Spencer Hawes and the two-day hangover

Just to refresh your memory, here's what I wrote on Thursday morning: "And for God's sake, Geoff Petrie, please don't draft Spencer Hawes. I mean, it would be an absolute tragedy if this team wakes up tomorrow morning with more than one white 7-footer with a crippling lack of athleticism."

And for those of you not watching the draft with me on Thursday night, here's what I said immediately following David Stern saying, "With the tenth pick in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Sacramento Kings select, Big Unathletic White Dude.": "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Here's a few centers that fit the "Big Unathletic White Dude" mold, drafted in the top 20 in the last few years: Rafael Araju, Robert Swift, Nick Collison, Chris Kaman, Curtis Borchardt, Michael Bradley, Chris Mihm, Joel Przybilla, Jason Collier, Kria Humphries, Michael Doleac, and the immortal Todd Fuller.

To say Spencer Hawes has an "uphill battle" is to say that George Bush's approval ratings are "okay." But I wouldn't want to say that too close to Hawes, because as we found out from Mike Tirico, Hawes loves political debate, is a staunch Republican, and has a bumper sticker that says, "I Love George Bush."

Um, Spencer, I hate you.

It will be my life's mission to engage Brad Miller... er, I mean, Spencer Hawes in a political debate over the merits of the Bush administration.

Spencer and the love of his life in a pickup game last year

Politics aside, the primary reason this is a stupid pick is because Hawes' weaknesses are in two areas: Defense and Rebounding. Sure, he has a strong skill set when it comes to footwork, passing and post moves, but if your new center can't rebound or play D and your front court now consists of three guys who play below the rim (Miller, Hawes, Abdur-Rahim), you are going to get killed in the Western Conference. At this point, the Sacramento Monarchs have a more imposing front court.

Hey, maybe Hawes can be the new Vlade Divac (who he has patterned his game after). Maybe he and Miller can combine to form the best 4-5 passing duo since Webber and Divac. And maybe President Bush is a smart man.

In other words, it's going to be a long season.

Mike Conley, Jr. and the Morning After

With the number four pick in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Memphis Grizzlies select....

Mike Conley, Jr. PG - THE Ohio State University...and his 40 and 1/2 inch vertical leapers.

Thank God. For a second there, I was balancing on the ledge of my buddy's balcony, fully prepared to plummet to my grave if the name, "Joakim Noah" came out of Stern's mouth. Yesterday I wrote about wanting the sexy pick, either Brandan Wright or Yi Jianlian. Kyle Lowry, the Grizzlies pick at #24 last year, was the question mark. While many made the observation that point guard was a need for Memphis, some wondered if the Grizzlies staff believed Lowry (who broke his hand after 17 games last year) could be a viable option.

So Memphis escapes with no Gators. I would like to personally thank everyone that hyped up Al Horford(next Karl Malone...HA!). Atlanta, even though they were able to snag Acie Law with their second lottery pick, passed on the #1 PG prospect yet again. And now we can take a look at the starting five for the 2007-2008 Memphis Grizzlies:

PG- Mike Conley, Jr. SG- Mike Miller SF- Rudy Gay PF- Hakim Warrick C- Pau Gasol

With a bench consisting of: Damon Stoudamire, Tarence Kinsey, Kyle Lowry, Lawrence Roberts, Chucky Atkins, etc. Trades and/or free agent dealings could dramatically alter the above before the dawn of the season.

Enough about the Grizzlies. Who cares about them anyway? Some monster trades went down last night! What a night for Blazers fans. I'm jealous. Here's what their starting roster looks like as of now: (Francis won't start, right?)

PG- Jarrett Jack SG- Brandon Roy SF- Anybody PF- LaMarcus Aldridge C- Greg Oden

...and how 'bout Boston and Seattle!?!?!?

Celtics: PG- Rondo/Telfair SG- Ray Allen SF- Paul Pierce PF- Al Jefferson C- Big Dude(s)

plus a healthy crop of youngsters: Tony Allen, Gerald Green, Ryan Gomes, Allen Ray, and a nice second round pick, Gabe Pruitt. Oh, and they got Baby Shaq, too.

Sonics: PG- Ridnour/Watson SG- Szczerbiak/West/Jeff Green? SF- Kevin Durant PF- Chris Wilcox C- 5-headed Monster (I'm assuming they won't be able to keep R. Lewis)

...and what about the Knicks? (loved the part where Spike Lee called NY's pick 2 minutes before it was announced..."the brotha from DePaul")

PG- Starbury SG- Crawford/Richardson SF- Spike Lee PF- Zach Randolph C- Eddy Curry

with a 6th man-of-the-year candidate to boot...Mr. David Lee. And brotha from DePaul.

Speaking of trades...what in the name of Jebush Christmas is Michael Jordan smoking? That trade pissed Steven A. off so badly I thought he might have a conniption.

Who else did well for themselves?

Detroit: Rodney Stuckey(#15) and Arron Afflalo(#27) - two solid guard prospects.

Golden State: Brandan Wright(#8) via aforementioned bonehead trade, Marco Belinelli(#18), and Stephane Lasme(#46)

T'Wolves: Corey Brewer(#7), and Chris Richard(#41)- two quality players, without reaching.

Philadelphia: Thaddeus Young(#12), Jason Smith(#20 - a guy Chad Ford thinks is pretty much the same player as Yi?!?!?) Derrick Byers(#42)

And in closing...I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who noticed this-

Christmas Day in the NBA

What will Santa have in store for the Sacramento Kings today?

The billionaire Maloof brothers haven't exactly been good boys over the last year and a half, so they are likely to get coal in their stocking.

Ron Artest has been a naughty boy too.

Mike Bibby? He's just been a little bitch.

Our new coach is straight out of PlayGirl magazine, so he will likely get a chest wax and some body lotion:

Reggie Theus in last month's issue of Bad Idea Jeans

From all accounts, Brad Miller died two years ago, so he won't be getting anything. (And for God's sake, Geoff Petrie, please don't draft Spencer Hawes. I mean, it would be an absolute tragedy if this team wakes up tomorrow morning with more than one white 7-footer with a crippling lack of athleticism.)

Kenny Thomas and Shareef Abdur-Rahim are the Western Conference's version of Brendan Haywood and Etan Thomas, so they're not getting jack squat.

So, with any luck, the Kings will purge their roster of all the aforementioned rotten fruit (with the exception of that sexy bitch, Reggie Theus), and bring in some new talent to surround Kevin Martin, Francisco Garcia and the ball boys. Here's my pseudo-spert opinion on what the Kings should do with pick #10:

1) Jeff Green

2) Julian Wright

3) Joakim Noah

4) Al Thornton

5) Um, anybody but Spencer Hawes

NBA Draft Eve

Last year's NBA Draft, along with it's plethora of trades, has left many wondering "what in the name of Zeus is going to happen tomorrow?".

Even picks 1 and 2 are still being debated, as speculation has taken center stage ever since that tragic day in Memphis Grizzlies history (oh, and I guess Boston wasn't happy either)...May 22, 2007. Maybe it was that sheepish grin on Brandon Roy's face...reminded me of when Shakespeare in Love beat out Saving Private Ryan for Best Picture. Just didn't seem right or fair or good. Everyone knew Spielberg's film should have won.

Whatever. With the number four pick in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Memphis Grizzlies select...

And you know what else? I don't really understand Boston's pain. Many have argued that a team with a History-leading 16 Championships has no room to whine about anything. But ok, they haven't won since '86 (awwww), so I guess that's a little bit of ill-feeling. However, would any Celtics fan like to exchange histories with a Grizzlies fan? Would they rather have grown up without a professional team (in any sport, for that matter) to cheer for at all?

No sympathy from me. Sorry. Don't wanna hear it. The Pats will probably win the Super Bowl...again...this year, so you won't be crying for too long.

Moving on...with the number four pick in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Memphis Grizzlies select...

Let's break down the consensus opinion:

Pretty much everyone who is paying attention thinks Memphis should take Horford.

Personally, I would like to see my Grizzlies come away with either Brandan Wright or Yi Jianlian.

Let me paint a picture to illustrate my rationale here:

Imagine you're in Vegas. You have managed to set aside $5,000 that you can blow at the tables or wherever. Your buddy knows horses like the back of his hand, and lets you in on a SURE THING tip on a race coming up. You have almost 100% confidence that this horse is going to bring you a victory. So you throw down $4,000. And you lose. So tell me this, would you be safe with your remaining $1,000...(maybe spend the rest of your time nickel and dime-ing, really just trying to break even), or would you immediately risk the remainder of what you are left with in order to hopefully bring in the maximum return (maybe even win some of that $4,000 back)?

So we didn't win the big one. No Oden. No Durant. So what now? Picking Al Horford would be safe. Going with Yi or Wright would be letting the remaining $1,000 ride on one single number at the Roulette table.

Yi could be the next Darko. Or the next Dirk?

Wright could be the next Jonathan Bender. Or the next Bosh?

But Horford. Who's he the "next coming" of? Karl Malone? A great post by MKE Bucks Diary outlines a few of Horford's pros and cons:

"(Horford)...is pretty much everything the Bucks need. He's physical, he rebounds, and he defends..."

But the following quote jumped out:

"His offensive game is pretty rudimentary at this stage. Will he develop it, or will it just stagnate at the next level like his father's did? Also, when he was asked to defend bigger players (such as Greg Oden) he got dominated. Can he adequately match up against the NBA's awesome array of power forwards? Finally, while he appears to be a safe pick, he also doesn't have that much upside. What you see now is, I think, pretty much what you're going to get from this guy."

Damn. Even called out his daddy.

"He won't be a superstar, but he should be a solid contributor in areas of need for the Bucks."

There you have it. Al Horford = nickel slots. Not much risk, but about the best you're gonna do is break even.

Commercial

My brother-in-law has headed down to LA to start a career in acting. This is his first commercial:

http://www.driveenergysoda.com/Spot60.php

He's the guy in the backseat.

Side note: The passenger was in American Pie (The Shermanator).

Giant Tragedy

Former San Francisco Giants' closer, Rod "The Shooter" Beck, died today at the young age of 38. Beck is beloved by Giants fans for not only his talent in closing out games (something the San Francisco franchise has struggled with for years), but for his affable personality and 80's hair band demeanor on the diamond. I think I speak for all Giants fans when I say, Shooter, you will be missed.

Please Vote for Barry

No, I do not blog very often. Yes, I am using this site to campaign for Barry Bonds being selected to the All Star Game. His #'s should absolutely have him there but I'm not pulling a bunch of stats together for you. (Sondog, you can help with that) We all watched older players not worthy of being in the game be selected for the hometown crowd. Well, it's now SF's turn and we should all put Barry there as it wouldn't be worth watching if he wasn't. You know that's true regardless if you like the guy or not.

Question: Why do they always have aerial coverage of indoor sporting events? Do we need to see the outside of the Alamo Dome? Just curious.

DMo

Byron Houston, You Dumb Bastard

The You Dumb Bastard Award was shelved for a while with the reemergence of the Boofy. However, I felt compelled... na... mandated by God to give out a YDB award this week to former Oklahoma State Cowboy star (and one-time Sacramento King), Byron Houston.

It seems Houston was in his vehicle at an intersection in northwestern Oklahoma City, at about 5:45 in the afternoon, under the cover of broad daylight... masturbating.

Let that soak in for a moment.

Good Times!

From AP:

A woman called police around 5:45 p.m. Wednesday to report that a man was masturbating at an intersection in northwestern Oklahoma City, police Master Sgt. Gary Knight said. Officers found Houston in the driver's seat of a vehicle with his underwear on the floorboard, and the woman positively identified him, Knight said.

Houston was arrested on counts of indecent exposure, engaging in a lewd act and driving with a canceled license. He was held at the Oklahoma County Jail on $4,000 bond. The district attorney's office had not filed charges Thursday.

Turns out this is not Houston's first time driving his joystick in the comfort of a public location.

He pleaded guilty to three counts of indecent exposure in 2003 and is a registered sex offender. He most recently updated his registry in March, according to the state Department of Corrections' Web site.

So as it turns out, Houston has the know-how to update his sex offender registry, primarily to inform people that he's still a sex offender and will keep enjoying his cowboy in public.

Byron Houston, You Dumb Bastard.

What Happened in the Pacman - Goodell Meeting?

Hmm. "he has decided to accept his punishment..." huh? (Nashville City Paper) Okay. So be it. Just seems strange that Pacman would drop the appeal. Why not just wait and see if maybe Goodell comes to his senses? After all, many agree that the year suspension was a little overboard.

Here's what I think might have gone down in Pacman's meeting with Goodell last week...(and yes, I realize Kissing Suzy Kolber pretty much has a monopoly on this kind of thing.)

Pacman walks in with a fresh three-button tailored suit and a clean shave, sits down on Goodell's rich mahogany finish sofa.

Goodell remarks, "Son, did I say you could sit down?"

Pacman (kind of wanting to grin, but remembers this crazy cracker is serious): Uhhhh....?

Goodell says something like, "You may have a seat over there." (points to kiddie table in corner, where some sort of child prodigy peruses through "The Art of War")

Pacman: "This yo son?"

Goodell: "Nah, don't worry about young Christoph...just one of my disciples."

Pacman: "A who?"

Goodell: "So let's get to the point here, son. By now the masses knoweth that my swift sword of justice came down slightly harder upon thee than it did upon thy peers."

Pacman: "I'm here to check on dat appeal mayne..."

Goodell: "However, after establishing myself as Supreme Deity of the Kingdom of Roger Goodell and His Gladiator Warriors..."

Pacman: "You talkin' 'bout dat mooovie mayne? Mayne I think I saw that shit two nights ago."

Goodell: (this look on his face)"...I cannot appear in any way or form, less than Omniscient."

Pacman: (sits there wondering what the hell dude's talkin' 'bout)

Goodell: "So what you must do is look into my eyes..."(hypnotizes the hell out of Pacman, convincing him to withdraw his appeal and pull the whole "repentant criminal routine")

Pacman: "Did I wear my sunglasses in here?"

Goodell: "I don't think you're future is that bright, son."

Pacman: "Do you even speak English mayne? I was talkin' 'bout my shades..."(walks out)

Christoph: (morphing back to his true form, the Devil) "Nice work, my son..."

Goodell: "Thanks, dad. "

Reason #297 I Don't Live in Arkansas Anymore

Proof that Arkansas Razorback fans really are certifiably insane! (Hogblogger)

People's United Front Against New ESPN Baseball Stats

Fresh off a season in which statistician John Hollinger created new NBA stat after new NBA stat at the alter of all things sports, some ESPN baseball guy named Jeff Bennett decided he would not be left out.

Bennett explains his rationale for A nother baseball stat this way:

At the start of 2006, I was challenged to come up with a formula that ranks all major league players. After bouncing ideas off the Elias Sports Bureau, MIT and others over the last year, I eventually wrote the formulas that produced the ESPN Player Ratings. What's unique about the ESPN Player Ratings is that they put all types of players' performances (batters, starting pitchers, relievers) into the context of where they rank in the major leagues. The ratings do not discriminate or favor a certain type of player. Sluggers, top-of-the-order hitters, starters, closers and set up men all earn points that contribute to their rating based on where they rank against their peers.

First, who are the "others" you mention after MIT and the Elias Sports Bureau? Your dog? Stu Scott? Linda Cohn? Your mom?

So, let me get this straight. ESPN effectively said to Bennett, "Hey, J-Dog. We don't have a stat to tell us how effective Ramon Ortiz is vs. David Ortiz. I mean, we think we know, but we're not sure. You see, the problem is that Ramon is a pitcher... whilst David is a hitter! But who is better?! Here's the deal, we need you to make up a new stat so we can glorify ourselves some more. Sound good?"

My question to Mr. Bennett is... IT TOOK YOU 18 FRIGGIN' MONTHS TO PUT THIS TOGETHER?! This must be the most complex and wholly unnecessary logarithm ever created for a sport.

Because it is based on major league rankings in several categories, there could be significant movement in the ratings each day.

Super. So, not only are they unnecessary, but they are also unreliable? If there are significant changes each day, isn't that about as reliable of a predictor as, say, I dunno, watching the fucking players and deciding for yourself who's hot and who's not?

Here's my favorite part...

The ratings also function as an awards predictor about as well as any statistical formula created.

Bennett would go on to say, "I'm a better statistician than God. Seriously, these numbers will tell you when Vernon Wells needs to take a dump."

Ridunculous. If you are even the slightest bit curious about whom Bennett's stats cite as the top players in baseball (careful, there could be significant change tomorrow!), here's the link... Out of absolute protest and disdain for ESPN running the sports universe, I hereby call to order the first meeting of the People's United Front Against New Baseball Stats.

The 21st best player in the game... today... but maybe not tomorrow. Thank God ESPN provides us with such vital information.

Ramblings of Note

Giving props to our blogging buddies...

Did Portland turn down a chance to acquire Kobe Bryant? (You Been Blinded)

Ranking the top 20 white American NBA players... (Jones on the NBA)

A new home for Agent Zero? (Larry Brown Sports)

John Daly is lucky Roger Goodell isn't in charge of the PGA. (Bitterfans.com)

Jeff Samardzija chose the wrong sport. (Lion In Oil)

10 Commandments of NFL betting. (Check out my HEMI)

Kissing Suzy Kolber gets a hot new look (KSK)

Chad Johnson beat a horse, but it wasn't fair. (Deadspin)

Leo Messi is a ninja. (With Leather)

God Dammit I Hate the Fist Pump

...or whatever the hell it's called.

Is it some Nike ploy? It's everywhere. Did it start with this guy?

Yeah, probably. But at least Jordan saved it for big moments. Like, really big moments. Like hitting the winning shot in Game 6 of the Finals.

Then there was this guy, who kind of started doing it all the time...

Okay. An eagle on the 14th at Pebble is pretty sweet, but a bird on the 12th at Bob's Putt-Putt and Go-Carts is not, and you know Tiger's pumping his fist then.

Now, every douchebag does it. All the time.

After. Every. Win.

After every fucking escaped jam.

Yeah, I get it. You're a Nike guy. I seriously think it's a marketing idea.

Now, I'm not so pissed about Sharapova's fist pump, because of course she's really hot. I think she could take a crap on the court to celebrate a point and I'd be fine with it. But she does do the fist pump often. I guess tennis lends itself to fist pumps more than baseball or other sports, and my estimate with Maria is 2.3/game. That translates to roughly 90/final. Hell, dude. That's a tired arm.

This pisses me off...

I get it, dude. I seriously get it. You stumbled across CMT one night after a match at the U.S. Open and saw a Kenny Chesney video. Guh. I hate Kenny Chesney. I hate you. Wear some sleaves and celebrate like a gentleman.

We, as right-thinking bloggers, or something, have to stop this. We have to. You don't think it's a big deal?

It's a big deal. I'd like to stop the raised-arm-while-rounding-first-base-after-a-home-run thing that's becoming prevelant, but one dipshit issue at a time. It's my idee fixe.

stopthefistpump.blogspot.com

Come on, seriously?

Ed Grimley for president? What the hell happened to John Edwards' face since 2004?

All joking aside, the guy's had some kind of surgery or shed 150 pounds he couldn't afford to lose.

Boof

Rick Majerus has done it, twice. Now UF Head Basketball Coach Billy Donovan has done it to the Orlando Magic. Does anything say "weiner" like quitting a job the day after getting it.

=

The Countdown has begun....

First off, let me apoligize for having not posted in a very long time. You guys do your duty and post often. And being a fan of this site (before I was a contributor) I have to say that I am extremly thankful for that. Hopefully I will be able to post more often after this Saturday. You see, this saturday is the day that my life changes forever. This Saturday I am getting married.

I have been to dozens and dozens of weddings in my lifetime. Seriously I have probably been to over 50 or 60 weddings. And so far I have been in 5. And I know how boring it is to hear about someone elses wedding. So please try and stay with me here.

I am not like most guys. Getting married has never been an event that I have been scared of or put off. I always thought of getting married as a great acomplishment (if you chose wisely). This woman, (lets call her Helen...well...since that is her name), is the 3 long term relationship I have had.

I had the girl in highschool for a year and a half that I was sure I was going to marry. You know, since she was the first one to give it up to me. There was no way I was going to let that slip away. Whatever. I was young and dumb.

Then I went to college.

After the first weekend of college we had to part ways. There was no way I was going to have a gf in college. No need to bring sand to the beach. I went through 3 years of college and fraternity life "single". And by "single" I mean that I was enjoying being in college and being in a fraternity.

My last few months in college I started dating this girl named Lisa. We dated for 5 years (on and off). Looking back I can say that was mostly a mistake. Jesus we fought a lot!! Anyway, the best thing about Lisa was that she keep me occupied until I met Helen. Lisa and I had lived together and when we decided to go our own ways I ended up with nothing. It was like getting a divorce. We had to live together for 6 months after we had decided to part ways. And the day she moved out I came home from work to find nothing but my clothes and TV. It was a year after Lisa that I met Helen.

It's a long and funny story but I really don't want to get into it. Basicly, I had gone up to her friends one night in a drunken stupor and told them that I had the D.O.D., (A.K.A. the Dick Of Death), and that I could lay pipe like no other. Somehow they thought this was cute and funny and I got to meet their friend a few weeks later. They called me D.O.D. for months after that. So damn embarrsing. (Sidebar: This past weekend Helen's friends through her a Shower. My mom came. And they re-told that story. In front of my Mom. Amazing).

Anyway, I am all over the place. But my point is that now that I am the one getting married I am starting to look at everything differently. And I mean everything! It feels like life is changing in front of my eyes. In a good way. Anyway, I look forward to spending the rest of my like with Helen. (PS> for those of you who do not know... My name is Troy. So yes, we are Helen and Troy. As in "Helen of Troy". We get that joke all of the time.) She is the smartest (she is a DR.), kindest, hottest (she was on our college's dance team), most loving person I have ever met and I am damn lucky that she feels the same way about me that I feel about her. I hope I can handle the job. I am going to give it all can.

Thanks for letting me talk and share my feelings.

Any advice from you married guys out there?

Whitey

One Shining Moment

After a week of having the University of Arkansas get bashed daily on espn.com in The Broyle-ing Point, I was looking for a bright spot in my sports week. Don't get me wrong, watching LeBron personally man handle the Pistons was enjoyable and put a smile on my face, but my Hogs have been crapping on my heart all spring and I needed a little pep in my step.

Enter Willie Warren, a 6'4" shooting guard that Arkansas coach John Pelphrey is hoping will be one of his top recruits for 2008 (and the jam in my jellyroll this week).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5a_wW6Zf0Qk

Dunk you very much!

Now, the chance of this guy...

Yes, this is my head coach

...signing this guy...

...is about as high as Sondog's vertical leap, but I'm just happy to have some good news posted about my Hogs. And while I'm at it, I might as well start the campaign now...

McFADDEN FOR HEISMAN!!!