My brain is going to explode

Wouldn't it be cool if I could just watch football? Like, the game plays, and the primary interest is the game. It would be neat if if I could just watch the Broncs and Packers play, without hearing from Mrs. Favre selling her new breast-cancer book. Or Vince Vaughn plugging his movie. And if they're going to let the Favre-ess into the booth, it would be sweet if they let her do the Brett ball-licking and actually ask her about the book.

Breaking News!!!

The YES Network just acquired ESPN.

There will be a Sportscenter special at 10:30 on the Yankees. In case you haven't been hearing too much about the Yankees lately, you can really catch up on what they've been up to. The Sox won the World Series yesterday, so watch the Yankees Sportscenter special this morning.

Well

Since none of these other douchebags are posting, MHR is sort of becoming a BH blog. I guess that's fair since I bailed for six months during my...ahem...marital issues. Anyway, my other blog is still out there if you're bored. It's not about anything in particular. Some sports, some politics, mostly an exploration of the deepest parts of my tortured and tattered post-divorce soul.

More drooling

Cal and Tennessee are both 5-3. Cal beat Tennessee in September. Cal's big wins have been the Vols and Oregon. Losses have been to ASU, the #4 team in the country, UCLA, and Oregon St; all 5-3 or better. Tennessee's losses have come to the Bears, a blowout against Alabama, and Florida; all 5-3 or better. Their signature win was against Georgia. So of course the AP has Tennessee ranked ahead of Cal in its latest poll. Brilliant. Cal beat Tennessee in September. Cal beat Tennessee. CAL BEAT TENNESSEE!!! Do AP voters even take into account what has happened on the field? Clueless group of fucktards.

Speaking of fucktards, why does Manny Ramirez get a free pass? He acts like a jackass on the field, and announcers laugh. Last night they had an in-game feature about Manny throwing his helmet off while running the bases. Ever insightful, Tim McCarver said he talked to Francona, who said it is "Manny being Manny." Manny being Manny. I've only heard this 8,000 times over the past ten years. Yay for Manny being Manny! Isn't it fun? Down by three, he hits a bomb, raises his hands, and walks to first base before starting his trot? Manny being Manny. Demands a trade before the season, then relents? What a guy. Can't remember the count? Aaaaaah, that's just Manny. Rips his goddamn helmet off when he's running the bases? Watch us celebrate! Isn't it fun when the Sox are winning? I guess we all know how the East-Coasters love their jackasses as long as they are helping their team win. Lastings Milledge/Jose Reyes/Shelley Duncan anyone?

And finally, there was a lack of play-by-play critique on MHR during this year's Series. If you've read over the past few years, the McCarver/Buck bashing is a tradition. This time, I had the sound down throughout almost every inning of every game. Beautiful. Buck is horrible. Sondog brought it up to me, unsolicited, on Friday. McCarver sports pseudo-insight. So this year's BH World Series Soundtrack consisted of itunes podcasts and playlists. Dude, and it was the most enjoyable play-by-play I've ever heard. Seriously, it was perfect. And I don't have to wait until next year. The Buckster will be back on Sunday morning next week, sporting his BS Call. Yay for the Joe Buck boycott.

Please Research

DeMarco Farr of FSN just said "LSU is the best team in the SEC, until somebody beats them."

Sweet.

Superstition/jinx update

Uh, this guy actually did have an impact on the game...

(10-25) 21:56 PDT Fremont -- A die-hard San Francisco Giants fan who desperately wanted his team to beat the Atlanta Braves has pleaded guilty to calling the Atlanta ballpark where the two teams played and making false bomb threats.

Dante Suguitan, 39, pleaded guilty to five counts of making false bomb threats over the phone during the 2005 season, court records show.

Suguitan's lawyers said in court papers that the Bay Area resident has a psychiatric disorder that manifested itself in an "obsessive interest in professional sports, particularly the San Francisco Giants baseball team."

Suguitan, who entered his guilty pleas in U.S. District Court in Atlanta last week, admitted he wanted to "jinx" or somehow intimidate Atlanta Braves players so that the Giants would win, authorities said. He is scheduled to be sentenced in Atlanta on Jan. 11.

Defense experts said Suguitan believed Giants sportscasters were actually speaking to him and that he felt he could "manipulate the outcome of games by listening to them on the radio or watching them on television." (emphasis BH's) But a psychiatrist consulted by the government said she did not believe Suguitan suffered from a mental disorder.

On Aug. 10 and 11, 2005, employees at Turner Field, the home of the Atlanta Braves, received a series of bomb threats from a man on the phone. The caller said there were bombs placed inside the park that were set to explode at different times while the Braves were playing the Giants.

The Giants lost to the Braves on Aug. 10 but won on Aug. 11.

During one call, a man told a security officer that a bomb was going to explode in the Braves dugout and that "the bomb was atomic and looked like a Coke can," FBI Special Agent John Cronier wrote in an affidavit. In another call, the man said a bomb would explode during the "tomahawk chop"- a popular gesture made by Braves fans during games.

Authorities identified the phone number of the caller and learned that it was a cell phone in the name of "SF Giants Fan," Cronier wrote.

Suguitan was identified as the suspect with the help of a Fremont police detective who recognized his voice from one of the recorded threats. The detective recognized the voice as he was helping Suguitan register as a sex offender, according to court and public records.

The Fremont police detective heard Suguitan's voice during 12 meetings - and in two dozen voice-mail messages, the affidavit said. The cell-phone number from the threats also matched the phone number he gave Fremont police, authorities said.

Suguitan must register as a sex offender because of a conviction for annoying or molesting children, according to the state's Megan's Law Web site. Federal prosecutors in Atlanta said Suguitan lives in San Jose, but the sex-offender registry said he lives in Newark.

Jinxy Jinx Jinx

ESPN.com is running a story today that says one out of five fans do things to avoid jinxing players. Not shocking, except I would think it's higher than that, especially in baseball. My guess would be around four out of five or nine of ten fans do things to help there team win games. The idea that I try not to "jinx" my team isn't exactly accurate. It's more dependent on the situation. If my team is leading, then yes, I try not to jinx them. If the team is down though, I will try to help pull them out however I can. My big thing when watching a game on television is changing channels to chenge or keep momentum. Now, I've posted before that momentum is not real. Well, neither are the chances that my actions affect the game on the field, so sense is out the window with this whole conversation. Anyway, If the Giants are up a couple runs or playing well and I want to see what else is on, I'll change the channel, then go back to them game, then change and go back once more. If they are down or playing like shit, I'll just change it and go back once. That's my standard interference for all sports really, though it's most pronounced in baseball. I've had that one since I was probably twelve. And it's not just when I'm watching. In essence, doing anything once will switch or turn off the momentum. If I spit once, I need to spit again to get things right. I have to kick dirt twice, take two bites, two drinks and so on.

So it's not only about jinxing. It's about helping in any way. It's got to be higher than 20%.

What developed this sense of self-importance in all of us? Maybe just us wanting to be a part of the action. Maybe we're all just kind of stupid. Or narcisism explains it all.

More Stuff I Now Know About Baseball

Joe Buck didn't watch any of the League Division Series. He said the Indians hadn't seen many lefties in the playoffs, since they'd played the Red Sox and Angels. Hmm.

Manny Ramirez is a fucking idiot. Clueless. Fucking. Idiot.

Frank TV is still literally going to change the face of late night television. And I still don't know what that means.

Kenny Lofton has played for 11 teams?

Just having played professional baseball doesn't make you good at talking about baseball. Tony, I'm looking at you.

Crowds in Denver and Cleveland are electric. That's what Joe and Chip tell me.

Joe still tells me what I should think about baseball, rather than calling the play. "There's a good piece of hitting by..."

Ken Rosenthal is worthless. Seriously, give a fifth-grader a mike and camera, and he/she will share more insight.

This is our country. Xenophobic?

I really like watching games with the sound off. I can do other stuff, and still be entertained by the game! I finished I Am America (And So Can You!) in two nights, and didn't really have to listen to Joe...until I finished it in the fifth inning of game 4 tonight. So now I know, FOX could be making money showing the game while a book is being read on air. That would be awesome.

There is a dirty ball epidemic in baseball. I thought it was a couple isolated cases. Epi. dem. ic. And Joe Buck must be a ballologist, because he is verbally washing nuts like crazy.

Drooling

Why is Cal ranked behind Oregon in any poll?

Why is Cal ranked behind Oregon?

WHY THE FUCK IS CAL RANKED BEHIND OREGON!!? YOU'RE FUCKING STUPID IF YOU THINK CAL, WHO HAS BEATEN OREGON, SHOULD BE RANKED BEHIND THE DUCKS!!!

edit: I spelled Cal with two 'l''s before. If you read the comment section, you'll get it.

Oh. no. dude.

Rockies' outfielder Ryan Spilborghs' intro song is 'The Sweet Escape.'

Start the Campaign, Part II

HEY!! BASEBALL FANS!! QUIT WAVING THE FUCKING TOWELS!!!

Seriously though. Stop. Send the towels the way of the Thundersticks (Thunderstix?). It was neat in 2002. Not now. Stop. Please.

The Invisible Heavy Hand

Today's race at Talladega will feature a ton of Toyotas at the front of the field, which wouldn't be as noticeable if the manufacturer hadn't sucked all season. 5 of the top 6 cars are Toyotas. At the April 29th race at Talladega, Toyota had three cars in the race, the first of which was David Reutimann in the 14th spot. Really, the manufacturer has averaged around three qualifiers per race this season, so it isn't just wierd that it has five of the top six, but that it has qualified six cars when it is so far from the norm. Restrictor-plate racing is a different animal, but not this different. Toyota was much faster than anyone else. Dale Jarrett, starting in the 43rd spot, had the 8th fastest time. So really, 6 of the top 8 times belonged to Toyota.

NASCAR has a history of changing its rules as it goes in order to suit its desires. When Matt Kenseth won the Cup a few years ago, NASCAR came up with the Chase for the Cup. When Ford debuted the Thunderbird in the '80s, then the Taurus in the '90's, and the cars dominated, NASCAR made changes to slow them down. Now it appears they have made changes to give Toyota an advantage. All manufacturers' speeds are down this time around at Talladega, except Toyota. Michael Waltrip, the maker's biggest-name driver, has had a hard time making it into races this year, but will sit on the pole - thank you Jean Girard - for the first time in two years. It's not some race in Pheonix no one's going to pay attention to. It's one of NASCAR's biggest races on its signature speedway in the midst of a chase in which everyone, even my mom, is watching. It didn't just happen. Toyota crews didn't just figure it out. We'll see how the race pans out, but Toyotas will be prominent throughout. Ah NASCAR, I can't take you seriously. You're like the WWE ref who turns around while someone gets whacked on the head with a chair.

Start the Campaign

Sept 6, 2008 is "Who Gives a Shit Saturday" in college football.

Today is "Gut Check Saturday," according to ESPN, ESPN News, ESPN Radio and ABC. When did this start happening? You know, the naming each weekend in college football thing? Last weekend it was "Trap Door Saturday." ??? I remember "Rivalry Weekend" being pretty much it until a few years ago. Now, it seems every weekend has a name. Come on. Seriously. Can't we just know that Oklahoma and Texas are going to play? LSU and Florida isn't appealing? Why the name? Gut Check? Can't the games be enough without the douchewads at the Worldwide Leader calling a brainstorming session to discuss what to name each weekend?

Douche 1: "How about 'Acid Reflux Saturday?' You know, since it's so stressful."

Head Douche: writing on the butcher paper draped over the easel
"...cid reflux...L-U-X...okay, but that seems a little technical for the Corso crowd."

Douche 2: "Yeah, we need something that says 'I'm going to deep fry some crawdads in the back of the truck, then tell the Gators to go to hell all day. Like 'Gut-Bomb' or 'Hip Check."

Douche 1: "I got it"
Miming an imaginary banner over his head
"Gut Check Saturday. You feel me?"

So September 6th of '08 needs to be,

BH: Miming an imaginary banner over his head
"Who Gives a Shit Saturday."

You know, when the games consist of out-of-conference teams facing each other. Virginia Tech against Ohio. Stanford vs. San Jose St. Baylor and Texas St. Those games in which only alumni really care. When the casual college fan doesn't...give...a...shit?

Ah, bugger!

Did you know the Yankees lost last night becasue of bugs? You probably haven't heard about it yet. And the really wierd part is that it was only the Yanks who were affected. Crazy. My favorite quote in an ESPN.com story is,

With bugs sticking to his muscular, sweaty neck, Chamberlain threw a wild pitch in the eighth that gave Cleveland the tying run. Three innings later, the Indians won it.

Muscular, sweaty neck? You sir, just won the 'Gayest Thing Written' award. And who thinks any part of Joba Chamberlain is muscular? He looks like a tub of, well, not muscles. At least he's sporting a sane outlook on the whole thing.

They were in front of my face, but I wasn't the only one who had to deal with it. They didn't show up just for me. You can look at it a million ways, but when you come down to it, we were in the loss column. And it's because I didn't do my job.

I thouroughly enjoyed watching the Yankees make a production of the whole thing. Jeter waving his hat in front of his face was delightful. 'The Captain' would have been smart to avoid adding fuel to the clearly rattled Chamberlain's fire, but instead acted like a ten year-old on a camping trip.

Thankfully, it's not really the Yankees who are making excuses. It's really been media types. Yes, it was bad. For both teams. Fausto Carmona threw nine innings of three hit ball, the last two innings being just as buggy as they were for New York. Not really mentioned in most articles though.

Chip Caray is a gold mine!

I mean, he totally sucks, but God it's good listening if you like to blog about stupidity and overall crapiness. Caray really likes to dramatize things. He's like the annoying girlfriend who likes to stir things up even though she's really stupid and hasn't got a clue about anything but is sure she does of play-by-play guys. Last night, he wondered out loud if the Yankees had made a mistake by not having Jeter lay down a sac bunt. The Indians won 12-3. Tonight he reminded viewers that if Jorge Posada had handled a Reviera strikeout of Grady Sizemore, the Yanks would have been out of the inning. Not really though. That would have been the second out, and the rest is theoretical. And the Yankees escaped the inning. I think it's a technique hackish play-by-play guys employ so they can sound smarter later. Like some way to cover your bases. A whole outlook of 20-20 hindsight. If you raise the idea of whether a manager has made the right move or not, you get the kudos when the moves blows up. I wonder if Caray does that at home.

"Honey? One wonders if you shouldn't have fed the dog Pedigree, when there's a can of Iams in the pantry."

If the dog yarfs up the Pedigree, Caray looks brilliant. If not, no one's really going to remember since he says a lot of stupid shit anyway.

And Now, to Denver...

...and the worst baseball experience in the game.

After the Rocks twice whapped the Phillies in Philly, the series is headed to Coors. I was last there on September 5th. The Rockies were already in the midst of a pennant race and my Giants were in town. An hour before game time, my brother and I bought seats 10 rows up on the first base line. Sweet. The stadium, despite the race and baseball's home run king being in town, was 43% full. Bonds yoked a 1st inning bomb, and the Giants won 5-3. No one gave me shit about my SF hat. No one told me to sit down when I stood for every Bonds at-bat.

I've been going to games at Candlestick and Pac-Bell my whole life. The Candlestick crowd knew baseball. Like, really knew baseball. Pac-Bell fans, not as much. They are still knowledgeable, but no one could represent like fans in the days of the 'Stick. The ballpark was there to be a ballpark. I went to a night game in '97 against the Giants and Dodgers. San Fran was down 2 games and needed to sweep the series with LA to tie. Through the entire game, every single pitched drew a reaction from the crowd. No one sat. There was nothing like loud Candlestick. I went to game 4 of the 2002 NLCS between St. Louis and the Giants at Pac-Bell. It was dead compared to that '97 game. Oh, fans cheered but, it lacked the same passion. Pac Bell is more about the amusement park, as are most of the new fields in baseball. You get more people at games who know little about the game. Us veterans are the educators. Coors fans make Pac-Bell fans look like a collective group of baseball Einsteins. I've never seen so much random standing during play. Not like 'Matt Holiday is stud and I'm cheering' standing. Regular, 'I feel like standing even though fans behind me can't see' standing. Some fans stood the whole game. Peolpe were up and down during the inning, off to find food or take dumps or see how fast they could throw a ball. It sucked. I ordered a foot-long dog, and the fucking bun fell apart. By the time I was halfway done, I was holding a link in my hand and eating the bun, onions, relish and mustard with a fork. Clueless all the way around. And now that the Rocks are into the postseason, it's getting worse.

Yay! We started liking the Rockies last week!!

The bandwagon is overflowing, but accepting more riders. Denver was oblivious until the end of September. An LA series the Rockies swept from the 18th through the 20 - their next-to-last home series of the year - failed to draw 30,000 for any game. What a joke. I'm sorry, true Rockies fans out there. You are being innundated with goo that's taken the shape of people. I guess the good news is, playoff baseball will earn the otherwise clueless a little more baseball knowledge. Hopefully. Maybe fans in Denver will start asking for a decent dog.

Stuff I now know about baseball, thanks to TBS

Kenny Lofton still plays? For Cleveland?!

Postseason baseball is not for baseball fans. Well, kind of it is, but not. Color guys talk like they're teaching a third grade class. Play-by-play guys talk like they are intuitive. It's mute time. Wait...there are graphics? Oh God, there are graphics!! The leadoff stripe? Huh? Huh?! 9 feet? My coaches never told me about 9 feet.

I can win 2008 World Series tickets by being the sexiest fan in baseball. Sweet. Easy. I wonder what kind of sexy picture I can put together. Maybe I'll squeeze a ball between my cheeks. Yeah. Can someone find me a Speedo with baseball stitches?

There is a "typical Yankee at-bat," I guess. I mean, according to Chip Caray. It consists of seeing a lot of pitches. I don't know if there's a typical Indian at-bat, since Caray didn't mention it, but I know Chien-Ming Wang threw almost as many pitches as CC Sabathia in 1/3 fewer innings. Maybe his voice was tired from calling Cleveland home runs.

Bob Brenley says A-Rod put up "video game numbers." Pssh. I don't know about that. .314, 54, 156, .422, .645? I once had myself hit 145 bombs with a .435 batting average in MLB '05. Eat that!

Ron Darling doesn't actually watch the game he's calling.

Some guy named "The Captain" plays for New York? Is that his first name? Who are they talking about?

Derek Jeter has dirty balls, and Caray wants to wash them on the air.

'Frank TV' will "literally change the face of television." Okay. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but it will be literal.

Shelley Duncan's body has four motors, each of which is connected to an appendage and moves at a different rate from the others. He runs like Goofy. Only wierder.

Jorge Posada was the steak to A-Rod's sizzle, or at least Caray says so. Cool. Cool. He was the real meat of the Yankees. I get it. Chip says Jorge's one of the Yankees most clutch hitters. Oooohhh. Except he just struck out with the bases loaded after being ahead 3-0, with less than two outs.

Caray says the Indians had a "coming out party tonight." Awesome. I watch Indians baseball for 162 games, and only now find out there all gay? Those bastards.

Chevy's motto is 110%. Right on, but why stop there? As long as your trying extra hard, why don't you try extra, extra hard? If I'm going to pay $35,000 for a car, I want one made by a bunch of people giving 111%, at least.

So here's what I know

The Niners' offense sucks butt. I was at my first game since 1991, ready for an Alex Smith aerial (cough) show, when he left after the game's third play. In comes the NFL's premier game manager, Trent Dilfer. "This isn't so bad," I thought. "Maybe this is what the team needs to get the offense really running well." Turns out Dilfer lead the Niners to the worst performance of the Mike Nolan era. They looked unorganized and confused, as though Dennis Erickson were still patrolling the sideline. The offensive line, a huge, if not the main, strength last season, was terrible. It was so bad, Niner fans started bragging to Hawk fans about their five Super Bowl rings in the middle of the third quarter. Guh. The nice thing was Patrick Willis and the defense. They were on the field so often that we were able to watch the best young linebacker in football do his thing, along with Nate Clements. Defense is not the problem. It's calling out-route after out-route when Dilfer can't get the ball there on time. Frank Gore is not the problem. Anyone at the game, Niner or Hawk fan, could tell why Gore is the best running back in the NFC. He is playing behind a shitty o-line, but finishes every play. Shaun Alexander prances out of bounds, while Gore knocks the crap out of defenders. The offensive play calling and blocking schemes are the real problems. Oh God! Where is Norv Turner?! Oh, right. Woops.

Despite the hyperbolic, 'THIS IS THE GREATEST COLLAPSE EVER!!' from national media wonks, the Mets' fall from 7 up with 17 to play is totally enjoyable. Even more exciting is that the anti-Mets, your Colorado Rockies are still alive. What? They still play in Denver? I thought baseball only existed in the east. There's an NL West now? Two NL West teams are going to be in? What?!

Aaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha! Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha!!

So, the Amazins are out, which means Jose Reyes is out. A-fucking-men. Thank God we are saved from the uber-hyper Reyes' antics throughout the postseason. The high-stepping, the fist-pumps, the pointing at the sky after every, single, anything...

I get it. You play in New York where they think it's charming to be obnoxious and flamboyant. Unless you lose. Don't you feel silly now for all the things you do that show up other players? Hopefully. That would be awesome. Thankfully we don't have to watch the cutaways of rehearsed handshakes from Pedro and some flavor-of-the-month. Thankfully, we get to watch a group of guys who play ball like it was meant to be played, like gentlemen. Either the Rocks or the Pads. See, out here we, fans and players - aside from one huge guy in SF, and one blue team in LA - recognize that the game is bigger than we are. We're embarassed when one of our pitchers does something silly after a save or a strikeout which, aside from sucking, is why we didn't really like Armando. We don't go for the fist-pumps. We go for handshakes.

Oh, and LSU jumping USC in the AP poll is a joke. Never has it been so evident that voters are boobs, mostly looking at scores rather than content. Les Miles, alluding to voters' dumbassity, said, "They kind of slept in and got kind of caught up on the score later in the day." Nope, Washington isn't ranked, and USC was supposed to blow out the Huskies in Seattle. But UW beat Boise State and hung tough with Ohio State, before losing to UCLA. They are a good team. LSU sleepwalked through the first half of the Tulane game, even though the final score looked good. LSU didn't do anything that warranted taking the number one spot, especially against a team who's only win came against SE Louisianna St., and who's schedule includes blowout losses to Houston and Mississippi St. At least the Coaches Poll still has USC #1, by quite a bit actually. At least Cal is up to #3.