No More Christmas

I'm still recovering from the Christmas haze. I played with the kid's toys when he went back to his mom's (he's got Lincoln Logs. Lincoln Logs!!), ate a goose, which is crazy, and drank so festive egg nog and hot buttered rum. Blogged? No. I didn't even have a tinge of desire. I didn't get online or look at the paper. But today we arrive at Christmas Post, and I guess I missed some crazy shit, notably a tiger at the San Francisco Zoo killed a guy and injured two others. Holy shit. Hooooooooooolyyyyyyyy shit. Who thinks the zoo is dangerous? For humans, I mean. I figured I'd cruise the PETA.org site for their take, but instead I found this little bit about Eva Mendes posing nude. No tiger fur here. But the guy who died at the zoo. Shit. No, I mean, that totally sucks. Evidently, some outlets were initially reporting that the killing happened after-hours and foul play was suspected of the three men hurt or killed by the tiger. Not so much, it turns out. This is sad stuff, media fucktards, not an excuse.

-The NBA on ABC is tradition, the way Ralphie's aunt makes him crazy shit to wear every Christmas. Just because you call it tradition doesn't mean a) it is, or b) it's good.

-Guh, this isn't helping Clemens at all. He looks like he's grasping at straws, and having his lawyer or agent do all the talking is not helping. It's like a guy in an interrogation room knowing he's caught but trying to stay one step ahead of the detective.

That's it, I guess. Functioning on Christmas Post is like going for a run after two weeks off.

But...but, he's gritty...and white!

Deadspin was on this earlier, but it's an underutilized point of view. Brett Favre is not not liked by all?

Apparently we're watching Mars, which could be hit be an asteroid soon. Can I put money on this? (SFGate.com)

I think it's everywhere by now, but it's fun to hear Jay Bilas squirt on the announcer's table. (Awful Announcing)

Barry Bonds' surgeon is likely to testify for the prosecution. I don't know what it means, but I really want it to be interesting. (San Francisco Chronicle)

I know there's a serious issue here, but is Andy Reid married to the girl from Law and Order?

Notes from the high-horse. (Denver Post)

Keep your Cy's, Roger (New York Times)

The War on Christmas

I'm headed to Sacramento with the kid to see my sister and finish up my Christmas shopping, so no blogging for bh today. I will be visiting my favorite restaurant, Sandra Dee's. It will be the kid's first time, so God I hope that goes well.

It's beginning to look a lot like Russell

-I can't stand the Raiders, but I'm looking forward to seeing some extended JaMarcus Russell playing time. Fuck, if I'm going to have to watch the silver and hack, at least it can be exciting.

-The Tuna tells Mort he's headed to Miami. ESPN readies breaking news alert that Parcells is in talks with the Roughriders. Mort reports on the Tuna's new experiment. (Kissing Suzy Kolber)

-T.O. doesn't understand neither he nor media members understand humor.

-Another exciting chapter of The Bush Oligarchy and The Constitution.

-Maureen Dowd defends Hillary's aging from Rush for some reason, and shit that isn't news is in the "news."

-Oh no. Oh fucking no. Seriously?

-It's old, and FJM got it from Deadspin, but Woody Paige is a boob. I mean, that's not news if you've ever seen him on "Around the Horn," read his column in the Denver Post or seen him waiting for the free train at Union Station, but this is new boobery. This guy's only real purpose is providing fodder to bloggers.

-Bowl season starts tonight with the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, with Utah playing Navy. I don't know if the thing has three sponsors (San Diego County, a credit union, and collection of Christmas plant growers) or if there is just a San Diego County Credit Union. I'm not really going to look.

It's about time

We haven't really heard anything profound or loud from Blowhardy Blowhardigan for a long time, but he's finallybroken the trend with his analysis of the Mitchell Report. This is my favorite part:

To Andy Pettite, Brian Roberts, Gary Bennett, thank you (for your loaded, semi-accurate, slippery, excuse-laden apologies). All three of these guys I know, Andy not very much, but the other two I know very well. I played a few years with Gary, worked out at API and competed with Brian. Gary Bennett is a guy who I always respected because I never figured him as a guy that would be able to play as long as he has (steroids and HGH). He was always a hard worker (steroids and HGH) and a nice guy (not steroids or HGH) and I always enjoyed throwing to him because he cared about his game calling skills. He’s made a nice career for himself (steroids and HGH) and my hope is that it was more through his hard work (steroids) and effort (HGH) than through cheating, either way he’s a friend of mine and always will be. Brian Roberts worked as hard as anyone I’ve ever been around (steroids and HGH). Not to mention he’s about as kind and giving as anyone you’ll ever meet. I know how regretful he is and I know that this mistake is not indicative of his choice making in life (yes it is).

Later on, Blowhardy comments on Roger the Dodger, who he also knows:

Roger had a profound effect on my career from a very early point. His ‘undressing’ of me and lecture were a major turning point. I’ve always respected his career accomplishments and regarded him as the greatest pitcher to ever play the game. Now I, like every other Yankee, Clemens fan am faced with a dilemma.

So as a fan my thought is that Roger will find a way in short order to organize a legal team to guarantee a retraction of the allegations made, a public apology is made, and his name is completely cleared. If he doesn’t do that then there aren’t many options as a fan for me other than to believe his career 192 wins and 3 Cy Youngs he won prior to 1997 were the end. From that point on the numbers were attained through using PED’s...if that is the case with Roger, the 4 Cy Youngs should go to the rightful winners and the numbers should go away if he cannot refute the accusations.

But why stop there? Why not strike Brian Roberts name from the 2005 All-Star roster and instead insert the #2 vote getter as the rightful starter? Why not take away every hit? What about Pettite's wins after 2002? Oh, you like those guys. Roger lectured you and gave you an undressing? Shit, let's take those wins and Cy Young's away.

The funny thing about Blowhardy is that he has always targeted those against whom he has a personal agenda. Blowhardy later does his tangential Barry Bonds riff, expressing his dislike. If you don't do anything to piss off Blowhardy, you will not bear the wrath of the bloody sock.

Hey, J.A. Huh?

The "J.A." in J.A. Adande is short for "Jiant Assclown." Pondering the Celtics new blackness:

Let's just say it: To fans who came of age during the NBA's glory days of the 1980s, the Celtics have long been considered a "white team." They were Larry Bird's team when Magic Johnson and the Lakers were the other choice. The Celtics were the squad that had Danny Ainge, Kevin McHale, Jerry Sichting, Greg Kite, Bill Walton, Scott Wedman and Rick Carlisle on the roster long after the league had taken on a darker complexion.

Somewhere Robert Parish is shedding a tear. As are Dennis Johnson (though he died in February), Sam Vincent, Quinn Buckner, M.L. Carr, Cedric Maxwell, Nate Archibald and Gerald Henderson, among others. Generally, the Celts teams of the 80's were always competitive. I would buy the complaint a little more if they had sucked just so they could have a white roster, but that's not really the deal. They were a good team, or collection of teams. I hated the Celtics in favor of the Lakers, regardless of the team's colors. I hated Danny fucking clayface Ainge. I hated Larry Bird.

I'm not blind and deaf, and I know there have always been Boston sports issues regarding racism. But let's not assign some form of criminality to those 80's teams, some form of deliverance to the current Celtic incarnation, or pretend that this team, fronted by Paul Pierce, KG, and Ray Allen, presents some moral connundrum. Adande says fans are emailing him about their qualms. Dude, no they're not.

Larry Bird's not walking through that door, folks. Kevin McHale ain't walking through that door. Leave it to some hacky douche to bring something up no one is actually talking about.

Oops

From the "We Keep Fucking Up" file, just this morning Chris Mortenson reported that Bill Parcells was likely to take the Falcons VP job. Now, not as much. In what ESPN has called "Breaking News," there is no deal between Parcells and the Falcons, though he's now considering a job with the Dolphins. Three things: 1) Mortenson needs to shut the hell up from here on out. He's wrong a lot. 2) Has ESPN learned nothing over the past couple of months? How about the novel concept that we don't report stuff until it happens. Crazy. 3) Breaking News? In other words, it is breaking news that there was actually no news on which to report?

Wednesday on the links

-It's a whole family of stupid whores! Way to go Mom. Jaime-Lynn was "shocked and scared." Shocked? That the act of procreation would result in procreation? So is Brittney's Mom's book about parenting on hold? Unless the book is titled, "How Not To Raise Stupid Whores: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING!" then I don't really see the benefit. MHR has obtained a copy of Chapter 1, titled, "Please Wear A Condom."

-Patrick Willis is a stud...and something about (cough) punters. (sfgate.com)

-Send the PETA.org Snow Globe. I really like the Colonel Sanders one because it's so current. (from Ballhype)

-The Tuna is reportedly joining the Falcons, which sucks because he's the only reason these days Sunday NFL Countdown in tolerable. (ESPN.com)

-Obama has cut Hillary's lead in half in California, thanks to nothing more than stories about Obama cutting into Hillary's lead. (San Francisco Chronicle)

-The debut of Sabes and Bear. Wrongfully implies Larry Baer has a clue. (mccoveychronicles.com)

-The U.S. is becoming the new China. (NYtimes)

Ladies and Gentlemen...

Here he is...the only man wrongfully included in The Mitchell Report. Well, his lawyer and agent anyway.

Oh thank God for those of us who actually read the report.

When is the appropriate time? Why would McNamee concoct(sp?) such an elaborate lie? Why didn't Clemens talk to Mitchell when offered the chance? Why did he wait five days to respond?

Really? You're trying again?

The first two headlines on ESPN.com's "News" section are specualtion from sources. Seems like, seeing that the "experts" at "The Worldwide Leader" are wrong as often as they are "right," I wouldn't really want to lead with a source's info. Could be right, but fuck. Haven't we learned anything?

"Hey, Kirk. This is your source at Michigan. Miles just accepted the offer. Yeah, it's definite. Oh, for sure, go on the air with it."

Stuff to Read

Holy shit last night's game was awful. Like, Family Guy awful. Like "The Mummy Returns" awful. Peterson's two scores masked an otherwise shitty night against a weak box. Big-time players show up for Monday night, don't you know? Guh.

KSK Vikes-Bears commentary (Kissing Suzy Kolber)
Awful Announcing Vikes-Bears commentary (Awful Announcing)
Eckstein Grittiness (firejoemorgan)
Kyle Orton rolling out (Deadspin)
Vina admits to limited cheating (The Big Lead)

"I didn't do it to get an edge. Just to get back on the field." - Fernando Vina.

Are they clean?

I'm trying to watch football, not a AP soapy ball-washing. I admit I turned on the pregame a little late, but since about twenty minutes prior to the start of the Vikings/Bears matchup until a few minutes left in the first quarter, Adrian Peterson's 14 carry, 3 yard performance against the Niners last weekend hasn't come up. There has been plenty of discussion about Peterson possibly being the best RB in the NFL and Son of God. 14 carries, 3 yards. 14 carries, 3 yards. Jesus.

Thank you, ESPN

Not news, not news, not news, not news, not news, not news, not news, not news, not news, not news.

Who, honestly, really, gives half a shit about the relationship between A-Rod and his dickwad agent? The Steinbrenners? Joe Torre? Joe Girardi? Me?

Reasons for a Hyperbole Eradication Program

Disaster Strikes Dallas!!!

Tornado update? Earthquake? Godzilla?

No. Headline on the Dallas Morning News site following Dallas' loss to Philadelphia.

(sigh)

Romo legend update

214 yards, 0 TD's, 3 INT's.

Where are you now, Joe?

From the desk of the Not Real Apologies General

Andy Pettite, admitting to HGH use:

If what I did was an error in judgment on my part, I apologize. I accept responsibility for those two days.

Well was it an error in judgement, or not? If you have a problem, then I apologize that you have a problem?

If I have let down people that care about me, I am sorry, but I hope that you will listen to me carefully and understand that two days of perhaps bad judgment should not ruin a lifetime of hard work and dedication. I have tried to do things the right way my entire life, and, again, ask that you put those two days in the proper context. People that know me will know that what I say is true.

If you have a problem with what I did, then I'm sorry.

Remember Derek Lowe air-humping the A's in the dugout after the final out 2003 playoffs?

It's a situation where if you did anything where you offended anyone, I'm sorry.

Guh

From the Eckstein Files

Rowand said being known as a gritty player is the utmost of compliments.

Guh. Why does every white baseball player who seems to perform above his ability get the "gritty" label?

I Really Don't Want to Talk About It

The Mitchell Report...sigh.

Everybody has an opinion. All I really want to say is:

-Naming names was a mistake, insomuch as the list is not exhasutive, therefore only a few of the guilty have to answer while several of the guilty do not. Mitchell wrote that the list was not complete and more research would reveal more names, but that doesn't help Clemens or Bonds. They are, in essence, fucked, while other users who were not listed benefit. Naming names was a mistake.

-There is way more questioning of the Mitchell Report than there ever was Game of Shadows. Raciscm, anyone? Undeniably. All one had to do was watch ESPN the day the report was released to understand so. It was made clear that Clemens' inclusion made things different because, like McGwire, he was Mr. American Baseball; a big strong guy from Texas with a hard fastball. Demonstrating the true racist nature of sports fans in the U.S., poll after poll on ESPN.com and other sites have revealed that fans think Clemens is still HOF-worthy, while Bonds lags far behind.

Douche Alert!

Bobby Petrino has left the Falcons with three games left in the season. I know there's no loyalty in sports today, but this guy is the worst violator. Wait until the end of the year, at least. Demonstrate that you understand the word 'commitment.' Your words don't mean anything. You are inconsequential. You are a good college x's and o's guy, but nothing more. What will you teach your players? Responsibility? Sticking through the fight? Honesty? Integrity? If it gets too hard, bail?

You say you didn't think about or contact Arkansas people until Tuesday, after resigning? In other words, you just up and left with three games left in the season, without any sort of inkling from anyone or anywhere that you were thinking of quitting? And after the decision was made, Arkansas called you, or you called them, and in the span of a few hours a multi-million dolar contract was hammered out, examined by your representatives, approved by all those involved at Arkansas, and accpeted? That can't really be true, now can it? You are a dishonest liar. In your press conference last night, you said the timing was the hardest part of your decision-making process. Aren't you stating that the Arkansas job reqiured you to quit when you did? Are fans meant to believe that you quit, hoping that you could orchestrate your way into the Razorbacks job? What if they hadn't wanted to hire you? What if you simply became the guy who quit his job before it was finished, then sat at home for at least a season?

No, I don't buy that. Both you and Arkansas had this figured out before you quit the Falcons job. Your 4 year-old level of deceipt is going to be uncovered, and there will be penalties.

Whoa

The NFL and ESPN are really working the PR tip hard tonight. Michelle Tafoya just got done talking about how good a guy Warrick Dunn is, since he didn't jump across a table and kick the shit out of the guy who killed his mom.

See. They're not all criminals. Ahhh.

You're retarded, Part III

This thing writes itself. The greatest trilogy since Back to the Future.

Some Falcons players are wearing items demonstrating their allegiance to Michael Vick. Allegiance might be the wrong word, but it's clear their actions are some sort of ill-conceived way to memorialize their old teammate's involvement in the NFL and with the Falcons. Okay DeAngelo and Roddy - White is wearing a "Free Michael Vick" undershirt - I know what you're doing. I know you had a relationship and friendship with him, but it's dumb. This isn't a guy who died senselessly. He didn't find himself in a situation by accident. He wasn't incriminated by corrupt cops blaming a black guy despite a lack of evidence. He killed dogs. He trained dogs to kill other dogs. He tortured them. He brutalized them. He lied about it. A lot. To a lot of different people. He lied about a lot of things. Michael Vick is a bad guy. Do no memorialize this guy, please. Do not treat him like he is a victim. It minimizes real victims and what he did.

You're retarded, Part II

Did the Monday NFL Countdown crew just have a discussion about whether Reggie Bush was drafted too high in the 2006 draft? They compared his rushing yards to those of other backs drafted that same year, without mentioning his receptions. Bush finished last season with 88 receptions for almost 800 yards. This year he had been on pace for almost 100 balls. I'm really having a hard time understanding the nature of the discussion at all. Why would you ask a question like that, seemingly suggesting Bush is a bust at this point, without providing all the ammo for discussion? It's disingenuous and dishonest, and kind of demonstrates the extent of knowledge possessed at the worldwide leader.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!

Seriously. Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Huh?

Did I just hear Joe Buck, referring to Tony Romo, say "The legend continues to grow for Tony Romo," after Romo's game-winning pass to Jason Witten?

His hold in his first ever playoff game last year was legendary.

Joe Buck is a fucking moron.

You're retarded

The Steelers' Anthony Smith has guaranteed that his team will beat the Patriots this weekend. WHO THE FUCK IS ANTHONY SMITH?!! The only times it's ever appropriate to guarantee anything are as follows:

-when your name is Joe Namath
-when you've actually got something with which to guarantee, like tires or brakes

What good is your guarantee, Mr. Smith? You get to look like the paragon of profundity if your Steelers win. If you lose, well no one really is going to remember you anyway. I just want to know what I get if you lose? You've got to make things right when your guarantee goes bad, so how will you make it right?

Speaking of jackass fuckfaces, apparently some Cowboys DB's have been looking forward to facing Jon Kitna this season, after last year he beat them on the team's last weekend, then talked shit. Terence Newman has said

Basically what it boils down to is you've got to watch what you say. Your mouth can't write checks that your [expletive] can't cash. That's what it comes down to. Everybody's going to see those quotes. He better just hope I don't blitz off the edge, because I've got 15, 25, 30 [thousand dollars], however much it would be for a fine. I've got that much for one fine. Revenge will be sweet definitely.

First of all, you're a moron for pulling out a line from Top Gun. Christ. Secondly, he did cash those checks when he threw four TD's against you. Third, why weren't you trying to hit him the way you want to during last year's game? Fourth, yeah, you do have to watch what you say. As an example, you've received a letter from the NFL warning you for what you said. Smart.

Dallas linebacker Bradie James said

It has been circled on my calendar the whole year, and here we are and I'm looking forward to it. Y'all can ask me about Jon Kitna every day from here on out the rest of my life and I will get fired up. ... He talked like we weren't ever going to play them again. We're going to be ready.

Dude, you're supposed to be fired up for every game, every player, every snap. Why weren't you fired up last time? Why weren't you ready last time? Doesn't everyone know that if you need extra motivation - i.e., bulletin board material - to play well, you're kind of a giant douche? Did Kitna have to talk for you to stop him from throwing four TD's? Hey, Jon Kitna's a moron. Der. Can't you just shut your mouth and still shut him up?