HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

by SonDog

From ESPN.com: Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte and Miguel Tejada were among the players that a former major league pitcher accused of using performance-enhancing drugs, according to a federal agent's affidavit, the Los Angeles Times reported Saturday on its Web site.

Really, did people not suspect that Clemens (built like a left tackle) and Pettitte (built like a strong safety) were on something? What's shocking to me is the relative shock. Undoubtedly, the same baseball brainiacs that want to crucify Barry Bonds will be the same ones that say, "Let's wait for all the details to emerge," with regards to Clemens in particular. What a joke.

Here's how the lead paragraph would read if I wrote the story, "In news about as shocking as the 'accidental leak' of a Paris Hilton sex tape, a report today claims that 78-year-old Roger Clemens took performance-enhancing drugs." In other words, Clemens is to performance-enhancers what Hilton is to dick: They both need a lot of it at this point in their careers to compete at a high-level.

I am Common Sense's complete lack of surprise.

Arena details from the Maloofs

http://www.nba.com/kings/news/arena_facts.html

Let the Jokes Begin

by SonDog

So, TO tries to kill himself, then says he didn't try to kill himself, then blames his publicist for over-reacting, then says he was "pretty out of it." Hmmm, what to do.

I know... Let's crack jokes...

So, is TO going to intentionally try to get hit by a middle linebacker over the middle now?

Is he going to accidentally fall into Bill Parcells man-boobs, thereby suffocating himself?

Remember that scene in the Last Boy Scout where Billy Cole pulls a gun from his pants and starts firing rounds at other players, then turns the gun on himself and says, "Aint life a bitch?" Is he going to do that? And did you know that Billy Cole is Billy Blanks, the Tai Bo guy?

I can't wait to watch T.O play next. Somewhere in Philly, Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb are high-fiving each other and fed-exing their unused percocets to TO's house.

Hairy Weasel

posted by BH

From a story in Reuters: http://reuters.myway.com/article/20060920/2006-09-20T220724Z_01_N20237903_RTRIDST_0_NEWS-IRAQ-USA-CONGRESS-DC.html

"Three years into war, the American people still don't have a clear picture of what's gone wrong in Iraq -- or how to set it right," said Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada.

Hey. Douchebag. I don't have to have a clear picture of what's going wrong in Iraq. Have you heard of representative democracy? It's this crazy thing where you, or presumably someone a little more interested in the betterment of my country rather than the welfare of the party, make decisions in my place so that I can try to make a living, because it's hard for me to get to Washington each day in order to debate decisions of national importance. Also, the picture may not be clear, but it's not as though there's a lack of information. I mean, aren't we constantly hearing about those things that have gone wrong in Iraq? I would also suggest we still don't have a clear picture of what's gone right. Finally, are you really interested in clearing things up? If that's your intention, then I have greatly misjudged you, Mr. Reid. I don't think I have though. I think maybe you've noticed that Bush's numbers have started climbing and you're in shit-yourself mode, having recognized that you might be in charge when the Democrats don't make the Senate and House strides that have been all but guaranteed.

Fantasy or Reality?

by SonDog

I've always considered myself a serious NFL fan. While I enjoy baseball and basketball to a greater extent than football, I've always appreciated and enjoyed the tingling sensation in the loins that comes on Sunday morning during that period between sleep and the first cup of coffee. You know, during that time when all you can think about is football.

When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to turn on the CBS or NBC pregame shows. I vividly remember Brent Musberger and Jimmy "The Furman!" Snyder chatting away about the day's slate and the important names you needed to know. The music, the corny computer-generated graphics (like the GIGANTIC graphic that would say BRENT MUSBERGER, CBS SPORTS), O.J. reporting from the Buffalo sidelines in frigid conditions (I still love his Naked Gun character, by the way)... I loved it all.

Ah yes, a time of innocence, when all men were created equal and race rarely entered into the conversation... er, wait.

It was a simpler time when 150 players compiled a complete set of Topps football cards. You pretty much knew the lead running back, starting QB, number 1 receiver, and maybe the tight end for each team. For your team of choice (the 49ers for me), you knew most of the players. You would know your team's obscure names like Wendell Tyler or Russ Francis or Jeff Stover or Bubba Paris. But for the other teams? There was no need.

I would get excited to see highlights of stars like the Dolphins trio of Dan Marino, Mark Duper and Mark Clayton; or Eric Dickerson running like a gazelle in a Rams or a Colts uni; or Mike Singeltary and The Fridge dominating defensively in Chicago; or Jim "Don't Call me Chris" Everett tossing passes to Henry Ellard, or just going ballistic on the Jim Rome show.

I consider those days a time of innocence. They were beautiful and uncomplicated.

Then came fantasy football.

If you would have told me five years ago that I would be solicitous in studying the New Orleans Saints wide receiver depth chart, I would have told you that to do so I would have to be living in New Orleans. Otherwise, there would be no need.

Like I said, then came fantasy football.

Suddenly, the injury report is critical to my sanity. I mean, I probably know more about the extent of T.J. Houshomozoode's heel injury than any sane man not related to him should. I know more about Michael Vick's playing weight than I know about my own son's birth weight. If for some reason I play in injured player, Mondays might as well be reserved for a funeral.

The dynamic between quarterback and third-down running back has more importance than my retirement fund. I spend countless hours scouring the waiver wire looking for bargains that could put my teams over the top. The words "sleeper" and "upside" are more commonly used in my vernacular than words like "I should" and "pay my bills."

It's more complex watching football than ever before. I swear they should be teaching a class on this stuff in college. And by "they" I mean the geniuses who invented this game.

Today, I'll be reading up on all the injury reports. My NFL Ticket is set and ready to go with all of the days games. (By the way, there are a couple of channels on NFL Ticket that were delivered straight to the network by Jesus himself. Take, for example, the NFL Game Mix channels, where you can watch 8 games at the same time. It's one of the sexiest things I've seen in my life.)

My wife thinks I'm insane, but I can live with that. If it means she is too scared to talk to me on Sundays, then all the better. In fact, she's decided to take Jackson with her to Oktoberfest in Vail Village today just to get away from me. I think she's looking out for Jackson's sanity as well. That is, unless she wants his first word to be "sleeper."

Random NFL Thoughts

by SonDog

-- The Raiders looked like a horrific football team. Aaron Brooks might as well have been a tackling dummy for the Chargers defense. Lamont Jordan coudn't get anything going behind an offensive line that was stuck in cement. I'm having serious second and third-thoughts about selecting Randy Moss in the third round of one of my Yahoo! fantasy teams. He and Jordan are the only two players resembling talent on that offense.

-- The reason I picked LT over Larry Johnson in my ESPN fantasy leagues is because of Kansas City's offensive line. The loss of Willie Roaf is going to hurt that team (particularly Johnson) more than some people think. Plus, from what I've read, Johnson is an egomaniac and I can't stand him.

-- I can't wait until T.O. goes T.O. all over Bledsoe after Drew pulls one of his famous Bledsoe maneuvers. Great idea pairing these two together, Jerry Jones. Real men of Genius: Mr. Really Bad Toupe Wearer.

Since I'm discussing the Cowboys, I would like to personally thank the Dallas defense for screwing me over last week.

-- Is it just me, or as a 49er fan does Antonio Bryant scare you a little bit? If you haven't done so, read some of his quotes this week regarding the first half of the Cardinal game on Sunday. In short, he suggests... no, blatantly states that he wanted to challenge Alex Smith to a fight by halftime because he didn't have any catches in the first half. Um, Antonio? You know you have never been that good, right? You know that the Browns... the FUCKING BROWNS didn't feel compelled to re-sign you, right? Just checking.

-- On that same subject, while I love their talent, I would not let Vernon Davis and Bryant hang out with one another without adult supervision.

-- Baltimore: Offensive powerhouse or one-week wonder? I choose the later.

-- I am in too many fantasy leagues. It's taking over my life and my wife is starting to get scared.

-- Speaking of which, I somehow wound up with Randy McMichael in all three leagues. I would like to thank him for hauling in 1 catch for 10 yards. That was so awesome.

My Son

by SonDog

Here is Jackson, for those who want to know what he looks like...

Known as, The Balls

by SonDog

If you are an Anchorman fan, and a college football fan, this, quite possibly, is the funniest thing you will ever read... in your life.

Speaking of college football, I'll be watching the Cal Golden Bears dismantle Tennessee tomorrow with my buddies Ryan and Reed. Why will I be with Ryan and Reed? Because Ryan and Reed are both from Tennessee and I thoroughly look forward to the shit-talking while Lynch and Forssett run roughshod over the Volunteers (Editor's Note: Of equal importance is the fact that Reed has a pretty sweet HD system... and Ryan and Reed live in the same condo complex as I do... meaning they are within stumbling distance of my house... and it's about the farthest my leash extends from my wife and infant at the current time).

At any rate, I'm not what one would call a huge college football fan, but I am a front-runner and a fan of the bandwagon. Since Cal is currently ranked #9 in the country, I'll cheer them on like a glorious Berkeley alum. If they fall out of the top 25, I will say that I wasn't really a fan. This is the extent of my college football "passion." I will also steadfastly deny ever writing this.

Wait...what?

posted by BH

Tonight on Gamenight on ESPN Radio, Freddie Coleman had this little piece of prognosticative insight:

"If any team competing for the NL wild card wins 11 of 14 games at this point, they are going to be in first place, because no other team is going to be able to match that"

Uh, where to begin? The Giants have won 11 of their last 14 games, and sit two games out of first in the NL wild card. Now, I know what Coleman is trying to say in the last part of the quote. He's saying that at this point in the season, there are no big surprises out there, which means these teams should all play about .500 ball. I guess then, he means no team is capable of an 11 out of 14 run? Or something? If he thinks one team could surprise us all and put an 11 of 14 together, why can't another team do the same? I have an idea. I think Coleman has been focusing his attention on a couple teams in the northeast.

Um... What?

by SonDog

I jumped on the Fresno Grizzlies website tonight to see how the Giants' top minor league team was faring against Sacramento. That was my first mistake.

The main story was this celebrated piece: "Saturday is K-Fed Night at Grizzlies Stadium!"

I can't make this up.

As a matter of fact, the first 2,000 fans receive temporary tatoos.

Sweet Jesus.

Apparantly, K-Fed is a Fresno native. And if you know anything about Fresno, you understand that this explains so much on so many levels.

If it's okay with you, I'm going to go try to forget I ever saw this press release on a website that is affiliated with the San Francisco Giants.

Like an Inmate at Alcatraz

by SonDog

While trying to keep my very loud son entertained until 1 in the morning last night, I decided to throw in one of my all-time favorite DVD's, The Rock. I figured, what better way to entertain him than to play a movie where guys are swearing and blowing stuff up? True, since he's only been outside of the womb for a month, he cannot truly comprehend anything around him other than boobs, poop and pee, however I somehow rationalized that Connery's voice may be soothing on his nerves.

With this in mind, I thought I would take some of the movie's most memorable quotes and dedicate them to many of the participants of the San Francisco Giants 2006 season.

(Editors Note: Seriously, this team still has a chance to win the NL West? Seriously? To use one of my favorite BH lines, I don't think I've ever been more uninspired by a team that's had a chance to win a division. With the exception of last year maybe. This is getting old. No pun intended.)

General Hummell: "Ladies and gentlemen, you're being detained against your will, and for that I apologize. It is not our intention in any way to harm you, you will not be detained one minute longer than is necessary for us to complete our mission."

To the Giants public relations staff. This is what they should have said to the Giants beat writers before the season started, shortly after two San Francisco Chronicle writers lambaste the franchise and the franchise player in a tell-all book. So, combine the book, the daily task of trying to decipher exactly what the hell Felipe Alou is trying to say and trying to come up with creative ways to use the words "failure" and "Armando Benitez" in the same sentence, this must be a hellacious season for the guys who cover the team. Inmates, all of them.

"What do you know about V.X. gas?"
Dr. Stanley Goodspeed: "Liquid; failed pesticide; discovered by mistake in 1952. Uhh, actually, it's kind of like champagne that way. The Franciscan monks thought they were making white wine. Somehow the bottle carbonated. Voila, champagne, and uhh, then the whole thing..."
FBI Director Womack: "The gas, Dr. Goodspeed."
Dr. Stanley Goodspeed: "It's very, very horrible sir. It's one of those things we wish we could disinvent. This isn't a training exercise, is it?"

To the Jamey Wright-experience. Wright started the season great. In fact, he was the team's second best starter for the first six weeks or so. It was happy-go-lucky-joke time. Folks around the team were talking about how Wright was the next great Sabean gem, almost found by accident. Well, turns out, once Wright figured out that the team actually needed to count on him, he crapped the bed. Brad Hennessey should have been the fifth starter all along.

Stanley Goodspeed: "Look, I'm just a biochemist. Most of the time, I work in a little glass jar and lead a very uneventful life. I drive a Volvo, a beige one. But what I'm dealing with here is one of the most deadly substances the earth has ever known, so what say you cut me some FRIGGIN' SLACK?"

To the baseball writers who have criticized Matt Cain for being inconsistent. HE'S 21 YEARS OLD! He kind of gets a pass for that. I can't wait to watch Cain as his career develops. I'll deal with his inconsistency this year because, you know, that's kind of what you get from young players. In fairness, the Giants haven't developed young players in a while (unless you count 31-year-old Pedro Feliz), so maybe the media just isn't used to it.

Stanley Goodspeed: "You've been around a lot of corpses. Is that normal?"
John Mason: "What, the feet thing?"
Stanley Goodspeed: "Yeah, the feet thing."
John Mason: "Yeah, it happens."
Stanley Goodspeed: "Yeah, well I'm having a hard time concentrating. Can you do something about it? "
John Mason: "Like what, kill him again?"

One of my favorite exchanges in the movie is dedicated to Moises Alou. His feet may still move from time to time, but for all intents and purposes, his career is dead. The words "healthy" and "Moises Alou" go together like the words "oil" and "water." While Alou can still rake when he's in the lineup, he can pull a calf just walking to the urinal.

John Mason: "This is more enjoyable than my average day... reading philosophy, avoiding gang rape in the washrooms... though, it's less of a problem these days... maybe I'm losing my sex appeal."

To Felipe Alou. When Alou was in Montreal, he was widely credited as being one of the best managers in baseball and a legend when it came to grooming young players. Then, Jeffrey "Hi, I'm an idiot" Loria fired him for something stupid, and he was off fishing and reading philosophy for a few years. Suddenly, the Giants bring him back to manage the team after Dusty Baker is dismissed, and as Giants fans, we rejoice. Four years later, by all accounts, Alou hasn't spoken to anybody on the roster since he was introduced at his initial press conference. He hasn't really groomed any young players aside from Cain and Noah Lowry. And now, most Giants fans believe it's a foregone conclusion that Alou will retire after the season as he seems more washed up than clothing at a thrift store. I don't have a terrible problem with Alou, but I don't think your manager should be older than the ball dudes.

Stanley Goodspeed: How, in the name of Zeus's butthole, did you get out of your cell?

To Eliezar Alfonzo. After spending 10 years in the minors, Alfonzo was called up when Mike Matheney went on the disabled list. He's been a life-saver for this team. Strangely, Alfonzo was demoted from AAA-Fresno to AA-Connecticut early this season. Next thing you know, he's getting game-winning hits three times a week. Mike Krukow's "Runaway beer truck" description of Alfonzo is priceless.

Cable car conductor: "Damn, this sucks. Where's that son of a bitch? I'm going to hunt him down. That motherfucker ain't safe nowhere."

To Giants fans. If I'm Armando Benitez, I don't show my face anywhere around San Francisco (or Baltimore, or New York, or Seattle). Just the sight of Benitez in the dugout causes most rational fans to spontaneously erupt into a chorus of boos. I can't remember another player in Giants history who was booed as much as Benitez while still wearing the San Francisco uniform. And I love every second of it.

John Mason: "Who's Carla? And why don't you want her to come to San Francisco?"

To Brian Sabean. "Carla" is any player older than 30. And we don't want them coming to San Francisco next year because we're tired of watching guys pull muscles while putting in their dentures. Sabean promised in an online chat on Friday that the team would get younger next season. That said, I don't think it would be possible not to get younger, considering this is the oldest team ever constructed. Sabes, you got one more chance in my book. Make it happen.

[reading Hummel's file] Chief of Staff Hayden Sinclair: "Three tours in Vietnam, Panama, Grenada, Desert Storm; three Purple Hearts, two Silver Stars and the Congressional Medal of - Jesus. This man is a hero."
General Al Kramer: "Well, I think "legend" might be a better description, Mr. Sinclair."
Chief of Staff Hayden Sinclair: "Well, now we can add kidnapping and extortion to his list of accolades."

Um. To Barry Bonds.

A little news

posted by BH

And I mean just a little.

I'm teaching some business classes at Red Bluff High School these days as well as coaching the swim team. Best. Job. Ever.

I saw Jason Ellison at that little ice cream place inside the K Street Mall in Sacramento this afternoon. I couldn't think of anything to say.