Madden Curse: You Are Going DOWN!

Mr. Curse, you done picked the wrong man. Need I remind you of the last time you tried to jinx a Tennessee Titan with that voo-doo witch magik? And don't even try to say you got him. The "WWL" had a wee chat with last season's Rookie of the Year just a few hours ago. Too bad you have to pay to read it, all the while clicking the "X" button to get rid of all those damn pop-ups.

Vince Young is going to absolutely crush that curse with his pimpness. After giving due props to his favorite QB to watch as a child, Steve McNair, a guy named Zach (probably Schrutebag in disguise) brings up the curse.

Zach (now that I think of it, it could be this guy...): "Vince, sorry to bring this up, but if you do make the cover are you nervous about the cover curse?"

Mr. Big Pimp Daddy Vince Young: "No not at all, because I am on the cover, and I am not worried about the curse! I am not nervous at all."


BOO YAA! Let me translate that for ya, Zachary:

"You see, son, when you're a big huge pimp daddy, you ain't gotsta be worried about some little punk as voo-doo demon witch magik bull shit."

Quite a bit has been written over the past couple of days about this cover. A campaign to rescue precious nickname-stealing LT (not the original), along with this guy who thinks Peyton should be put on there to break it. As if Peyton could possibly go two straight seasons without choking. Right.

All y'all just sit back and relax. Don't worry your pretty little heads. Bring on the Madden cover. DO YOUR WORST, FAT MAN! Just don't put Pacman in the background anywhere.

86 Won't Cut It

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha! Aaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Jason Schmidt's velocity is down.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha!

Greg Oden's father doesn't care about his son's education

In what comes as the least shocking news in the history of Western Civilization, Greg Oden's father is about to cash in his retirement plan.

From the Indianapolis Star:

"Why not, as long as he finishes school in the offseason?" the elder Oden said.
"He's the kind of kid that, even though he'll have a lot of money, he needs to do more than just basketball.They had an exciting season, but why take the chance on him getting hurt?"

Oden coming out was a no-brainer. Had I been in his size 37 shoes, I would enter the draft too. But it's pretty tacky for his father to steal the show by leaking the news . He should of just finished that last sentence with, "... getting hurt, before he can make me rich beyond my wildest dreams?"

And by the way, the whole "as long as he finishes school in the offseason" crap is tough to swallow. There isn't an "off-season" in the NBA, especially if you are about to be the face of a franchise. We've all heard that Oden is a scholar of sorts, and he may genuinely want to get his degree. I'd just rather hear it from Oden (or Chad Ford), not his pops. Can you imagine how that conversation went between Oden and his dad?

Oden Jr.: "But, I kind of want to be a teacher eventually, dad. I'm thinking about staying in school."

Oden Sr.: "No you're not, boy. You go declare for the draft right now! This is the moment I've been working all my life for!"

Oden Jr.: "Wait... what?"

Greg Oden, celebrating the fact that he's about to be one insanely rich man

Oh, and I will not care about this one bit if the Kings win the lottery and Oden is in Sacramento next year. If Stern can rig one for Sac (rather than The Butler's choice of Memphis), I guarantee the fans will approve a new arena. Do it, Sterny!

Biggest Draft Since Vietnam

June 28, 2007. I'm a little more exited about that date than most folks, 'cause my team is even worse than the Celtics this year. And the Celtics are bad. Barring a horrible slip of a ping-pong ball (PLEASE, GOD!) the woeful Memphis Grizzlies should be at the top of the board when we arrive at Madison Square Garden.

Come on Stern...rig one for the Logo.

When browsing through a few early projections and mock drafts, most will see that this year could very well come to be known as "The Year of the Big Man". Of course the Madness just ended, so most players have not declared their intent at this time. Assuming everyone declares who's expected to- potentially one third of the 60 players selected could be listed at 6'10" or taller. As we all know, just because a man is tall does not mean he will ball. Yeah, Luke Schenscher, I'm talking about you.

Could this be the best draft class in history? Probably not. Stern seems to think so. General consensus seems to suggest that three drafts (1984, 1996, and 2003) could all lay claim to that title.

So let's take a look, shall we? If we could form a starting five plus three bench players from each draft class since 1984...who would be the best team? Not who would win a game (way too speculative), but which set of five (C, F, F, G, G - unless it's just impossible NOT to put four guards in the top 5...like in 1996) plus three best players (still speculative as hell, but whatever). Oh yeah, undrafted players count as well. Because I want to use Ben Wallace for 1996. So there.

1984
C- Hakeem Olajuwon

F- Otis Thorpe

F- Charles Barkley

G- Michael Jordan
G- John Stockton

Bn- Kevin Willis
Bn- Alvin Robertson

Bn- Sam Perkins

1996

C- Ben Wallace

G- Ray Allen

G- Kobe Bryant

G- Allen Iverson

G- Steve Nash

Bn- Jermaine O'Neal

Bn- Marcus Camby

Bn- Stephon Marbury

2003

C- Chris Bosh

F- Lebron James

F- Carmelo Anthony

G- Josh Howard

G- Dwyane Wade

Bn- Leandro Barbosa

Bn- David West

Bn- Kurt Hinrich

That's some stacked classes right there. Looking past these 8 players in each

respective class, I would have to say '03 and '96 are stronger than '84. Also to be considered is the large amount of basketball yet to be played by many on this list...especially Kevin Willis.

Can any draft class since 1984 hang with the three above? Here's my next three...

1998

C- Dirk Nowitzki
F- Antawn Jamison
F- Rashard Lewis
G- Paul Pierce
G- Vince Carter
Bn- Mike Bibby
Bn- Ricky Davis
Bn- Earl Boykins

1999

C- Elton Brand

F- Lamar Odom

F- Shawn Marion

G- Rip Hamilton

G- Baron Davis

Bn- Ron Artest

Bn- Jason Terry

Bn- Manu Ginobli

2001

C- Pau Gasol

F- Gerald Wallace

F- Jason Richardson

G- Gilbert Arenas

G- Tony Parker

Bn- Joe Johnson

Bn- Mehmet Okur

Bn- Shane Battier

Past these players, I'd say '98 and '99 are deeper than '01.

2004 is making incredible amounts of noise this season...
C- Chukwuemeka (why in hell would you abbreviate that?) Okafor
F- Dwight Howard
F- Luol Deng
G- Andre Iguodala
G- Kevin Martin
Bn- Josh Smith
Bn- Ben Gordon
Bn- Andris Biedrins


The list this year looks damn good...(assuming everyone declares).

2007
C- Greg Oden
F- Kevin Durant
F- Brandan Wright
G- Corey Brewer
G- Arron Afflalo
Bn- Julian Wright
Bn- Jeff Green
Bn- Acie Law

*This isn't even taking foreign players into consideration.

With (hopefully) a top 2 pick and maybe some free agency dabbling (Rashard Lewis, please), the Grizzlies will not only return to the play-offs for the fourth season in five years, they'll manage to achieve their first post season victory!

People's United Front Against Roger Goodell

I do not like this man. If I saw him in person right now, I would most certainly back-hand him. I normally don't use a whole lot of profane language when I post (my demographic consists of nuns, Mormons, and 8-11 year olds), but today that's about all that's going through my inner dialogue.

"I won't lump all of these incidents into a bowl and deal with it," Goodell said Wednesday. "I'm not trying to send a signal here and make examples of people. We'll do what we need to protect the integrity of the NFL. That's our objective."

Who does this asshole think he is, Jerry fucking Falwell?

Roger Goodell, you are one hypocritical piece of schrute. All of a sudden we're supposed to buy your horse shit statement about "protecting integrity"? What are we, a bunch of ADD little fuck kids that can't remember the past decade?

The "integrity" was fine after Ray Lewis wiggled out of murder charges.

How many games did the entire Minnesota Vikings team miss after their little Love Boat incident?

If Pacman and Henry are suspended for that long, what will happen with the rest of the players who have been arrested in the past year?

Whatever happened to "innocent until proven guilty", HUH? Pacman's trial for the Vegas thing HASN'T EVEN STARTED!

Mr. Goodell, I plead with you on behalf of every NFL fan, on behalf of our wonderful (non-dictatorship) nation, please stop concerning your piece-of-shit self with "the integrity of the league", and go jump off the nearest 10-story building.

The Return of the King

Well, it's not that big...I guess. I've been on the DL for three months with what doctors have been calling, "Wifekickedmeoutofthehouse-Henderson" disease, or WKOHH, and it laid me up pretty good. I'm happy to say though, I am back in the mood for writing.

One of the unfortunate side effects of WKOHH is that my old Boofy Award is still saved on my old computer's desktop. Crud. I had to find a new trophy, but it's not as good. It's actually what I'm most broken up about following my fight with WKOHH. Oh well. Here goes...

The New Boofy

So, the first recipient of the new Boofy has to be none other than LA Angels closer Francisco Rodriguez. If you've been with us for awhile you know I can't stand the exuberant celebrations that go on in football, and are now starting to show up on the baseball diamond. It's mostly been relegated to closers, with the chest thump and the yelling, and the occasional Yankee or Met batter that hits a walk-off shot and rounds first with his right arm raised in that classless New York way, but Rodriguez has been the worst.

Shit! A spider!!!

He blew a save on Thursday night and had the mope going big time. He rebounded to get the save Friday night, jumping and hollering like he'd been stung by a bee fresh from the jackass hives located in Eric Byrnes' back yard. Fuck dude, just once I'd like to see a guy blow a save and say, "My bad," just clearly enough so us at home could read his lips. Do Mariano Riviera, Trevor Hoffman, or Joe Nathan scream coming off the mound? Of course not. That's why, this week, you douchebag cheating fucktard K-Rod, you have earned the Boofy.

It's nice to be back.

Somebody please put LaTroy Hawkins out of his misery

Thoughts from the Opening Week that was in baseball:

1) San Francisco started the season with a whimper, at least offensively. Not that it's time to panic, ahem, Bruce Jenkins of the SF Chronicle, ahem. After the opening homestand (1-5) the Giants offense looks to be as explosive as a bag of corn. Through the first week, SF is last in the NL in runs, last in extra-base hits, last in homers and last in generating any sort of excitement sans Barry Bonds. OH MY GOD, THE SEASON IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!

Not really. As BH alluded to in his post yesterday, the starting rotation looks very strong and at this point is more promising than any in the last 15 years. It has more potential than any rotation since the Livan Hernandez, Woody Rueter, ShawnEstes, Russ Ortiz, Joe Nathan starting five earlier this decade. If the Giants can manage 4 runs a game, they can compete in the NL West.

2) Hey, have you heard about this Dice-K guy in Boston? Did you know he throws 41 different pitches? Did you see ESPN get down on its proverbial knees and salivate over his first start?

Funny thing is, the most dominating start of opening week didn't come from Dice-K. It came from King Felix Hernandez up in that little town called Seattle. Seattle is a city that rests about five billion miles away from the heart of the baseball universe -- New York, Boston, New York, Boston, New York, Boston, New York, Boston, New York, Boston -- so I understand if East Coast fans are surprised that there is a team up there.

The 21-year-old's opening day line against Oakland: 8 innings, 12 K's, 3 hits, 2 walks. He became only the third pitcher in baseball history to record as many as 12 strikeouts on opening day, and he was only 20 at the time (Hernandez turned 21 last Friday). Yes, that was a meaningless statistic.

Best. Young. Pitcher. In. Baseball.

King Felix: Nastiness, personified

3) Rich Harden of Oakland looked sharp too. No truth to the rumor that he tore his labrum making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich after the game though. The oft-injured A's righthander had the following line in his debut: 7 innings, 7 K's, 3 hits, 2 walks.

Best. Injury-prone. Young. Pitcher. In. Baseball.

4) The Rockies rewarded manager Clint Hurdle with a two-year contract extension right before the first pitch on opening day. Hurdle was in such a state of shock during the game, considering the Rockies have been one of the shitiest teams in baseball during his tenure as manager, that he actually called on LaTroy Hawkins to protect a one-run lead over the Diamondbacks in the eighth inning.

As any baseball fan knows, the words "LaTroy Hawkins" and "eighth inning lead" go together like a match and a can of gasoline. Yes, LaTroy Hawkins literally translates in Japanese to Texaco Conoco Exxon Phillips 66.

The result? Hawkins blew the game, naturally. Hawkins lost another game yesterday, this time in San Diego, by allowing a run in the tenth.

Please refrain from smoking while this guy is on the mound. Do the Rockies even watch baseball?

5) The Giants AAA team, the Fresno Tim Lincicums, got off to a great start. The guy they picked up in the Jason Ellison trade (Travis Blackley) had a great start as well. For the first time in what seems like ever, the crop of talent at Fresno actually excites me.

6) After watching Joe Buck and Tim McCarver talk for 30 seconds on the FOX game of the week, I had an epileptic seizure and my son shit himself. Horrible combination.

7) Is Roger Clemens going to pitch this year? Why isn't the baseball world talking about this? Wait...

8) Something I actually heard Keith Hernandez (a New York mets broadcaster) say during the Phillies/Mets broadcast this morning: In discussing Jimmy Rollins' proclamation in Spring Training that the Phills were the team to beat in the NL East, Hernandez said (and I paraphrase), "You know, it's just best if you shut your mouth. Do your talking on the field."

Um, Keith? Heed your own advice. As we all know, New Yorkers, especially Hernandez, ALWAYS know when to shut their mouth. The irony, which ran freely on so many levels, was clearly lost on Hernandez's colleague.

It's OmbudsMAN, not OmbudsLADY!

It's really getting messy now.

It appears that the outrage shown by bloggers worldwide found its way to the official ESPN ombudsman's email box. Yup, on Sunday night, ESPN's new ombudsman, Le Anne Schreiber ("The public's representative to ESPN,") posted a scathing critique of Schrutebag of ESPN Radio, making it crystal clear that... well, nothing really.

However, rumor has it that she really gave it to Schrutebag with the following exchange in a back hallway somewhere in Bristol, CT:

(Le Ann Schreiber): All right, Cowherd... you called down the
thunder, well now you've got it!

You see that? (Points to her business card) It says ESPN ombudsman!

(Schrutebag):[terrified, pleading] Le Ann, please, I...

(LeAnn Schreiber): [referring to Jason Whitlock, lying dead] Take a good look at him, Colin... 'cause that's how you're gonna end up! [shoves Schrutebag down roughly with her boot]

(LeAnn Schreiber):Your days of plagiarizing blogs and calling on your listeners to shut down random sites are finished, you understand?! I see an arrogant grin, I kill the man wearin' it! [lets Schrutebag up to run for his life]

(LeAnn Schreiber): So run, you cur... RUN! Tell all the other curs the law's comin'! [shouting]

You tell 'em I'M coming... and hell's coming with me, you hear?... [louder]

Hell's coming with me!!!!

LeAnn Schreiber... Bitch on wheels

Okay, so that was straight from one of the best movies on the planet (courtesy imdb.com.) But that's how I envisioned it goin' down.

Really, all Schreiber did was report that ESPN now has a 'no tolerance' policy regarding such matters, meaning Schrutebag isn't really going to be punished at all. Damn shame. I was hoping for a gunfight.

Stink?

Yes, I know. The Giants, as of Sunday morning, are 1-4. They haven't exactly been tearing up the NL West on their way to the first 150-win season in MLB history, instead filling the toilet of baseball in the Sondog wing of the anti-hall of fame.

What's crazy is that I am totally excited about this start. It is the least worried about a 1-4 start I have ever seen. When I watch the 2007 version of the San Francisco Giants, I am watching a team that, including Barry Bonds, is easy to root for. They are, excluding Bonds, generally good guys. They play the game, excluding Bonds, fast. Well, excluding Bonds, Molina, Feliz and Aurillia, but they are much faster than they've been in a while. Dave Roberts is as fun to watch now as he was annoying when he played for the Padres and Dodgers. I still think Omar is the best player I have ever seen. Bonds is a fucking stud and, by the way to all the size matters steroid patrollers, bigger than he was in 2001. Ray Durham has transformed himself into a, well not a cleanup guy, but an effective middle-of-the-order hitter. Aurillia being back is great, even if he is five years removed from being good. When they score a run on offense, it is because someone has been blowing around the bases. I love seeing bombs, but watching a triple develop from your seat is the most exciting thing in sports.

The starters are amazing. Matt Cain is in the top three young pitchers in the game, and Russ Ortiz is back throwing in the low to mid '90s. The bullpen stinks, and along with a powerless offense will be the downfall of this team.

They may go 12-150. Right now, I don't feel like this teeam has found its voice yet. When it does, well, who knows what they hell will happen. At least it's entertaining.

Who's a Coward?

Pretty much the entire blogging world has already written about this. I first saw it on Deadspin.

I hope dude ends up here.

Of course no one had ever heard of this guy before. But now he's getting body-slammed all over the internet. As he should. Because he's a Schrutebag.

After a Google Image Search, I am extremely confused....

When did the Half Baked Guy get his own ESPN radio show?

YDB Award: Premature Eja... Celebration

by SonDog

There were many nominees for this week's You Dumb Bastard award. There were so many, in fact, that I was actually up for the award. Why, you ask? Because I am supposed to be in Europe right now... but I'm not... because I lost my fucking passport.

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

That's right, I'm a dumb bastard.

That being said, this week's award goes to the Washington Wizards' Michael Ruffin. For those of you who don't know Michael Ruffin, he's a seldom-used big man who spends most of his time buried on the Wiz's bench, trying to avoid the collateral damage from the daily fights between Brendan Heywood and Etan Thomas. He also tries, unsuccessfully, to not look like a freak-show attraction.

Hi, I'm Michael Ruffin. I'm a relative of Willie McGee and Calvin Booth. And I'm a Dumb Bastard.

Ruffin wins this week's award because of his premature celebration attempt in last week's game against the Toronto Raptors. With the Wiz up by three with two seconds left, Ruffin... well, just watch this clip...

On a side note, I think that spastic announcer for Toronto said, "Onions! Baby, Onions!" at one point. Which begs the question, "Um, what?"

At any rate, that clip is one of the many reasons that Michael Ruffin spends most of his time buried on the Wizards' bench. It's worth noting that these two teams are battling for playoff position and that Toronto WON this game in overtime. I heard that Gilbert Arenas was quoted as saying, "I want Michael Ruffin dead. Seriously, somebody murder him. I'll pay you to do it." But maybe I just made that up. Why he was in the game in the closing minutes is a question that only Washington coach Eddie Jordan can answer.

So, cheers to you, scary-looking Michael Ruffin. Cheers, You Dumb Bastard.

Let! Them! Play!

Fans were robbed last night.

"Greatest Big-Man Battle Since Ewing vs. Hakeem..." No one will ever know. Impressive as it was to watch Ohio State play so well without him (Ewing/Oden Theory?), I couldn't help but feel a bit deflated. Like when Tyson knocked Spinks out in a minute and a half.

Those damn Zebras had been letting most teams duke it out in classic March Madness fashion up until this game...and when they called that completely obvious make-up foul on Hibbert to give him his second, I felt like ironing pants for the rest of the first half.

Could have been a GREAT game.

Then Afflalo...

COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!! Two fouls in the first two #$%!& *#$% minutes!!!!!

No way UCLA had a chance without their first team All-American. Josh Shipp played a hell of a game, but alas, not enough. I didn't even care who won, and I actually felt genuinely sorry for the Bruins. Afflalo comes in and scores all of his 17 points in the last 7 minutes of the game.

And we're all left wondering how great those two games might have been.