Jeremy Shockey talks to the media about keeping talks in-house

Yeah, I guess it's what we've come to expect, right?  It's not only Shockey that does the 'I'm going to talk through the media to tell you I'm not going to talk through the media,' thing.  It seems to happen a lot.  I dated this girl for a while who, upon becoming angry with me, would say something mean, leave or hang-up the phone, hoping I'd call back in some grovely fashion.  Jeremy Shockey is that girlfriend.

The statement I would like to make about the Giants and the speculation in the offseason is that whatever happens between the upper management, lower management, the owners, any management, is going to (stay) between ourselves," the six-year veteran said yesterday at a promotional appearance at Flushing Meadows Corona Park. "Unlike the Giants, I am going to be quiet. They have released multiple things about myself, and if you look back into the media (reports), there is always a source. Well, I would like to know who the source is.

"I haven't said one negative thing towards the Giants in the newspapers," he added. "I have never expressed the feelings of the things that you guys (the media) made up. You guys will be able to talk to me (more) if I make it to minicamp."

Haysus H. Christo, fuckinga douchebag.  Seriously, there must be a thousand metaphors for the rampant douchebaggery here.  "I'm the big man, and I'm not gonna complain, but man they've mistreated me."  You know how in almost every major sports fight, one guy makes a tough show when approaching the other combatant, yet can be pulled away and restrained by the smallest guy on the court/field? 

That's Jeremy Shockey.  

I love this

After Cedric Benson's second alcohol-related arrest in just over a month, Bears coach Lovie Smith, 

said he was inclined to give Benson the benefit of the doubt "like everyone else in society gets."

I think even Lovie knows he's full of shit on this one, what with playing the woe-is-the-professional-athlete-in-the-limelight schtick and the fact that the offender was one Cedric Benson.    

Mixed bag of schadenfreude

Is it wrong to root against seeing Big Brown win today's Belmont Stakes and thus the Triple Crown, solely because of the captain of the Battledouche Dickknuckle, Rick Dutrow?  No, I say, no it is not for two immediate reasons.  

1) It's hard to root for the loudmouth, yet easy to root against one.  The loudmouth seemingly devoid of any humility is worse, but the loudmouth devoid of humility despite every reason in the world to actually at least have an inkling of an iota of an idea about the concept is the worst of the worst.  And that's Rick Dutrow, who has a knack for juicing his horses, Big Brown included, and, on occasion, himself.  But Dutrow is clean, as are his horses to a lesser extent, supposedly having only been given steroids that have not been banned.  There's something about the recovering addict, cheater, philander, convict, etc., who acts like he or she never was that pisses most of us off.  It's as though despite normal society, that is, those who accept and play by a collection of social norms, having let him back in, there has been no reflection.  No, "shit I'm lucky they still let me do this."  When that happens, you get Rick Dutrow.  "This is about Big Brown, not what I did 15 years ago," Dutrow says.  Bullshit, I say.  It is about what he did 15 years ago because he has made it about what he did 15 years ago.  Because he still acts like a brash, who-gives-a-fuck-what-you-think trash clown, and that's not okay.  I'd rather hear something like, "You know, this is a good horse and he's run all his races well.  I'm lucky to be in a position to train such an amazing and gifted horse," as opposed to, in referring to Casino Drive, who is now out of the race, "He's got no chance of beating our horse.  I'll be in the winner's circle when they get to the quarter pole. That's how I feel. I don't see that this horse can beat him."  Really?  You really had to go the extra nut-shot mile and throw in that say the "quarter pole" thing?  That's why you're hateable.  You're a fat slimy douche.  That's how I feel.  I'll be standing in the non-douche winner's circle while you're still in the non-douche starting gate trying to get on your horse.  

2) NBC insists on putting a camera in Dutrow's red, sweaty face after each win.             

Kookoo for Coco Crap

Awesome night for Boston douchebaggery.

Rule #1 after you've gotten your ass kicked in a fight: Say the other guy fought unfair.  Like, he "pulled my hair," "bum-rushed me," or the ultimate douchebag sucker-punch nut shot, "fought like a girl."  There is something overwhelming lame about a guy who stands before the media, the way Coco Crisp did after the Rays-Sox brawl,  trying to sell his story to the unbelievers.  "Ooh, you didn't see what really happened...it happened under the pile and they were diiirty...that's the real story here...not that I couldn't actually handle myself and left shitstains all over the infield."  It all feels very, I don't know, Wal-Mart lunchroom trashy.  Tony LaRussa slimy.  Too much effort to shape opinion.

And please, fucking please stop mentioning Willis Reed and Paul Pierce in the same breath.  Here's why:

"Reed's most famous performance took place on May 8, 1970, during Game 7 of the NBA Finals against the Los Angeles Lakers in Madison Square Garden. Despite a severe thigh injury - a torn muscle - he started the game in front of a thrilled audience and scored the Knicks' first two field goals on his first two shot attempts."  

Torn fucking muscle.  Not "right knee sprain."  That Pierce came back so hoppy and bouncy give some real indication about that nature of his exit and return?  Like "right knee sprain" could be trainer/PR guy code for "Shit, uh, nothing really happened here."  He didn't play through anything.  He didn't overcome anything.  He was off the court for 1:45.  Come on would-be drama clowns.  Legendary?  Shut the fuck up.  

2008 MHR MLB Draft Coverage

Remember when you watched CBS's presentation of EliteXC and thought, "This looks like WWE shit compared to UFC"?  Welcome to MLB's coverage of the 2008 draft.  

I made the mistake of turning on coverage at 10 to find some clown douche trying to rile up the Disney World crowd.  Fuck, dude.  

Mock Negro League draft.  Prolooooooonged.  

Clowndouche again attempting to rile the crowd.  Clowndouche is introducing each team's draft representative(s).  Fuuuuuuuuuck.  Get to the draft.  I like that J.T. Snow and Felipe Alou are there for the Giants.  Didn't JT hate Felipe when he played for him?  I could be wrong about that.  Harold Reynolds representing Seattle is priceless.  There's a Zim sighting for Tampa Bay.

Okay, on to the draft.  No analysis from me.    

I think Peter Gammons just called Josh Hamilton an "All-American guy," though I don't know if he meant he was an All-American as an amateur, or like Captain America/David Eckstein.  He may have said "All-American story," but I'm watching this online without the ability to rewind.  How come black guys never get that designation?  I guess black players get to be "instinctive" while white players are "gamers" and "All-American."  Obviously, the idea that Hamilton has succeeded despite some hardship is fucking crazy batshit absurd, but oh well.  

Karl Ravech says Gordon Beckham has "literally" been moving up the charts.  Sweet.

Bud Selig says the "Los Angel-eez Dodgers" are on the clock.  You are a boob, Bud.  Boob Bud?  

I've sort of lost interest.  Giants don't pick again until #37, I think.  Meh.  I'm thrilled that Posey was there for them at #5. 

  

We're not bloggers. We're lazy douchebags.

Even though the two aren't mutually exclusive.  No, we're just busy.  I don't work in an office, thus the down parts of my day can't be filled with the paragon in profundity that are the Roscoe Galt rants about nothing and everything.  Instead, my posting is reserved, er, confined to the wee hours of the morning or the end of a day of which I've spent God knows how many hours wrangling cats.  Suddenly, bitching about Derek Fischer's foul feels trite, as it would to blast one ESPN.com primary photo after another of KG screaming or chest-thumping.  So to you, lone, solitary, singular, basement-dwelling MHR frequenter (?), I hope to...we, hope to again offer reason to be frequented, providing the kind of clear-headed, above-the-fray analysis and opinion consistent with someone who has been to the future, returned, and now blogs with the clarity and perception only 20-20 hindsight can afford.  Confused at all?    

On that note, what the fuck is up with the Giants losing the first two games of the Pads series after sweeping Arizona?  I mean, what the fucking fuck?  Suddenly, after looking promising, Pat Misch looks like a two-armed pickle throwing sauerkraut at a wall made of a mixture of pig and duck shit.  Dammit.

She didn't need to do that, even though she really didn't

After Hildog's comments about Robert F. Kennedy's June 1968 assassination, she issued this non-apology apology, 

"The Kennedys have been much on my mind the last days because of Senator [Ted] Kennedy and I regret that if my referencing that moment of trauma for our entire nation, and particularly for the Kennedy family, was in any way offensive. I certainly had no intention of that, whatsoever.  My view is that we have to look to the past and to our leaders who have inspired us and give us a lot to live up to, and I'm honored to hold Senator [Robert] Kennedy's seat in the United States Senate from the state of New York and have the highest regard for the entire Kennedy family," 

Not only was the apology not technically an apology, even the effort was unnecessary.  Hildog's point making the initial comments had to have been, "Hey, anything can happen.  This shitty thing happened forty years ago.  Some other things that have mattered have happened this late in the race in the past.  So let's all calm the fuck down."  If that's what she meant, why not make that statement rather than the apology?  Because it demonstrates that a) she is sorry the comments have damaged her campaign, b) she is not sorry for the intent behind the comments, and c) is willing to placate supporters and interested parties by throwing up political nonsense  she and her staff thinks will sell with the rabble.  Sigh.  The furor exhibited by some is a demonstration in absurdity.  They know what she meant, but the current political environment is one that demands blandness and the khakization of our leaders, with pundits and doucheclowns ready to pounce on any perceived misstep.  The New York Post runs to Al Sharpton for a comment, who expresses a sense of outrage and dismay at Clinton's statements.  Outrage on who's behalf?  Obama's or Kennedy's?  Is she hoping someone goes all Sirhan Sirhan on Obama?  Fucking duh no, you stupid assholes.  But, no one knows what is going to happen at any time over the course of the next minute, let alone the next month.  Do we need everything said with the grace of, well, Grace Kelley?  How can the entire country seemingly unite behind the witch trial of calling a candidate an "elitist," yet expect elitism? 

Might be funny to watch

New Giant Alex Hinshaw following his MLB debut against the White Sox and pitching well against the Rockies:

"When you first toe the rubber, it's always a jittery feeling because I only have a limited amount of...experience."

I couldn't help getting a visual of Hinshaw excitedly trying to roll a condom over his big toe.

It's a crime

I'll be the first to admit I don't watch a lot of NBA basketball.  I think the last time I really paid attention to an entire season was 1996.  I still watch from time to time.  I went to a Kings game last year, mostly because the tickets were free.  I write that to demonstrate that even a guy who barely watches knows the number of steps LeBron was taking throughout game seven was out of control.  I mean, fucking come on.  A joke.  And the chest-pounding KG does or screaming and hopping around Paul Pierce did?  Guh.  I know it's a big game on a large scale.  You're playing in front of a lot of people in the stands and at home, but I've always supported the idea that you adapt to your situation.  When you were a kid did you scream after a three in one of those games played at half-time of the high school basketball game?  Or when you reached high school?  No.  Because it would have been stupid.  Szcerblinenanek hits a three and hops in the air to pump his fist?  Are you kidding me with this shit?  When does the cheeziness douchebaggery become an accepted, expected part of the game?  A sighing "fuuuuuuck" to it all.

This has to have been written by a high-schooler...

...because John Donovan's MLB Power Rankings at SI.com is awwwwwwful.  I can't tell if the whole thing is one guy's from-the-hip opinion, if there's any rhyme or reason to this picks, or if he just watches Sportscenter for his information.  Sightastic.  

Tampa Bay Rays - Are the Rays really the third-best team in baseball, you ask? Well, this week they are, I answer. After sweeping the Angels and beating the Yankees three out of four, everyone has to be impressed. Plus they're in first place in the most difficult division for a small-revenue team in baseball to win in, the American League East. Will they stay on top, you ask? Well, these aren't the All-Seeing PRs, I answer.

Wonderful, I sarcastically answer.  Jesus, talk about your qualifiers.  "Plus, they're in first place in the most difficult division for a small-revenue team in baseball to win in, the American League East."  

Houston Astros

I'm not sure the Astros can stay here with that starting pitching -- in fact, I'm pretty sure they can't -- but give them credit for spunkiness. They've won six times when behind after eight innings. That?s spunky-riffic. Meanwhile, Lance Berkman continues to swing the bat like an MVP (his .391, 15 homers, 43 RBIs are only a few points on the batting average short of Triple Crown stuff), pushing the Astros to 11 wins in their last 13 games.

Houston has the 11th best record in baseball but is fourth on this list.  Clearly, the team's +513 spunkiness factor bumped them up the list.  The Astros are like the baseball version of a sophomore cheerleader.  Yahoo!  And parenthetically, Berkman's doing something good to help.  

More importantly, what are Donovan's criteria?  Clearly, he does not think the Astros are going to bee this good all year.  Is it about right now?  Or a team's actual perceived goodness on the Donovan-abortion-nothing-new-rip-off-of-every-other-power-rankings-scale?  Cripes.

Los Angeles Angels

Ex-ace John Lackey is back, and he looked pretty good Wednesday against the White Sox. Not good enough for the Halos to win, unfortunately, but good enough to give Angels' fans plenty to hope for in the next few months. This weekend, the Big A hosts the cross-sprawl Dodgers in the opening of interleague play. It's great when these two sets of rowdy fans start throwing California rolls and guacamole at each other.

I have two problems with this.  1) what is this condescending bullshit and 2) when was John Lackey an ace?  Do a team's fan's ferocity and narcissism regarding their teams have anything to do with the Angels' spot on the list.  Fuck, dude.  A joke about Californians eating sushi and avocados.  I think 1989 just winked at you.  Well done, doucheclown.  Fuck, Phillie fans eat boxes of rusty nails at the game.  You should be there to see the fans when The Cards and Royals hook up.  Two of the seven grains in their cereal are tornado dust and Mississippi silt.  

Boston Red Sox

How can you not absolutely love Manny Ramirez? So he hangs his teammates out to dry once in a while, and his defense is not something he really bothers with most nights, and he sometimes looks as if he'd rather be anywhere than where he is. Sometimes, in fact, he looks like he is someplace else. Still, that catch the other day, where he high-fived the fan and then completed a double play? Priceless.

Aside from these eight reasons, how could you not love Manny?  Oh yeah, Manny being Manny means the Red Sox are #6 on the list.  

Philadelphia Phillies

The Phillies are a little worried about Brett Myers, who is 0-3 with a 7.62 ERA in his last five starts. "It's almost a little bit of the Adam Eaton syndrome, where any time the ball was anywhere near the hitting zone, they killed it," catcher Chris Coste said. I don't know what the Eaton Syndrome is, exactly, but it sounds awfully scary. Hope Myers and ace Cole Hamels are on opposite sides of the clubhouse.

Hahaha.  You don't know what Adam Eato...oh he just...described...it for you.  

Florida Marlins

The Marlins had it going on with a seven-game winning streak until they ran into -- the Reds? With three losses in Cincinnati (and a rainout Thursday), the Fish showed again that they can flop around with the best, and the worst, of them. Love the imminent signing of Hanley Ramirez. Still don't think that makes this a playoff team.

So a contract extension for a guy already playing for the Marlins might now transform them into a playoff team?  Analysis complete, and check cashed.    

New York Mets

Are we all psyched up about another Subway Series this weekend? It'll be the last, you might have heard, in the old Yankee Stadium. Unless, of course, the Yanks and Mets meet in the World Series again. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. I crack myself up. I better stop laughing. Billy Wagner is liable to bite my head off.

Why the Wagner-bash?  He was pissed because his teammates weren't talking to reporters.  

     

New York Yankees

Hank's barking about wanting to be more like the Rays. If the seat of Brian Cashman's pants get any hotter, he's gonna earn his own MTV show. The lineup just hit .197 against Tampa Bay. Another week in paradise.         

I'll admit, I don't get the MTV joke.  Is it about hot girls with hot-pants.  Is there a new show called "The Hot Seat" I've never seen.  I haven't watched MTV in like 10 years, so I'm lost.  Speaking of Lost, my guess is that Jin, Desmond and Micheal are about to die on the boat.  Micheal's story has petered out, Desmond has had his reconnection with Penny, and Sun told the reporters that Jin had not died on the island.  Desmond is my - a lot of peoples, really -favorite character, but the writers have been known to fuck us before.  Hello, Mr. Eko. 

    

Cincinnati Reds

Ken Griffey Jr. told new GM Walt Jocketty, according to the Enquirer, that he wants to play in Cincy and win a championship there. Jocketty has had no trade discussions with anyone about Junior. Did I mention Griffey is hitting .250 with four homers?

I mean, isn't ripping on Griffey Jr. just stupid at this point?  And wouldn't it be more appropriate to rip on him if he were demanding a trade despite his BA and bombs?  The guy's not having the greatest year, but he's on base a lot (.335).

San Francisco Giants

GM Brian Sabean told the Chronicle the other day that, "we've got to be considered one of the most improved teams in baseball." This is prime material for a wisecrack. But I am speechless. How about you, Giants' fans?

I know they've floundered a bit lately, but I totally agree that this is one of the most improved teams in baseball.  Considering the team was universally chosen to win seven games all year, a lot of young players are getting a chance to play, Brian Wilson is one of the best closers in baseball, and Tim Lincecum is a stud, yeah, I'd say they're much improved and their situation has improved since the beginning of the year.  

Seattle Mariners

Interesting story in the Times the other day asking if the diverse M's, who have players from 10 different countries and territories, are suffering from a communications gap. The M's say no. Which leads us to conclude that they just stink.

MLB players are a bunch of ethnocentric fags. 

Jeebus, man, isn't the whole snarky power rankings thing a little played by now?

Once and Again

Richie Sexson reproves the oldest of adages, "Richie Sexson is a clownfucker douche."  Way to charge the mound because of a pitch that was over the plate, fucknuts.  Bugs and Cranks has the video.  

The NFL doesn't have a drug problem

Or else they have employed the greatest P.R. staff ever assembled anywhere, anytime in the history of P.R.ing and covering things up.