A Dude's Guide to Christmas Shopping for His Chick

by SonDog

With the advent of what is commonly known as "the internet" (primarily a computer-based portal where guys can look at porn all day long), the need to Christmas shop by doing something other than clicking "Ship Now!" has almost disappeared. In fact, some view going to a mall as an archaic act reserved for those who are stuck in the hair-band days of the 80's. Which is to say, Def Leopard kicks ass.

I decided this year that I would do my Christmas shopping for my wife at the Cherry Creek mall in Denver. The mall itself is not unlike any other mall. For guys, shopping in a mall can be an altogether intimidating experience. You have your high-end department stores like Nordstrom's, Foley's, and Sach's Fifth Avenue. You have your Restoration Hardwares, your Williams-Sonomas, and your Sunglasses Huts of the world. And, of course, you have your holiday-time-only-crap stores like Ornaments Central, Everything for the Stocking, and my personal favorite, No Way In Hell She Ever Uses This.

Before I provide a brief tutorial on what a dude needs to know when shopping at a mall for his chick, let me explain why I decided to go to said mall this year: I fully realize that my wife has to put up with a lot of my crap for 12-months every year. Well, I guess she doesn't have to, but she does, and I'm eternally grateful for that fact. I know I'm not the easiest guy to live with (gross understatement), and that there are too many aspects of my marriage that I take for granted. We've been together now for four years, and when pressed, I don't have an answer for why she hasn't decided at at any point to A) Pack up and leave; B) Punch me in the face; or C) Act out some combination of A & B. In short, this is my primary opportunity to spoil my wife as much is possible by spending roughly the Gross National Product of a small-African country on her Christmas gifts. (Surely, you're saying to yourself, "So, you're buying her off, you prick." Fortunately for me, my wife doesn't read my columns, thinking they are only about sports, so I don't have to worry about her pocketing a trump card of, "Why can't you say this to ME, but you can say it to everybody on the internet?!" Again, I have no answer. The lesson, as always, is that I'm an idiot. If you will excuse me, I will now go back to completing my registration form to be a guest on Dr. Phil.)
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Fact No. 1: Never, ever, ever, ever enter a jewelry store without having some semblance of an idea of A) what you plan on buying and B) (most importantly) what you plan on spending. These jewelers are good. If the jeweler knows you don't know exactly what you want, you are bound to get the, "Well, that would be a good purchase if you never plan on getting laid... ever again," look. It works for them every time. Also, if you don't know your budget, you are going to walk out of the store feeling like you've been mugged, raped and assaulted in a back alley in the south-side of Chicago (scary, scary place, especially if you are white and have a shaved head. Again, trust me on this. Just ask my buddy, Cole, who also has a shaved head. At a time more appropriate, I will discuss the time our Dodge Durango broke down in the middle of the Chicago GHE-tow.)

Fact No. 2: It's a scientific fact that when you walk into Victoria's Secret, you will instantly pick up on two distinctly different vibes from Vicki's employees. There is the, "Oh, what a sweet guy shopping in here for his wife/girlfriend. He must be embarrassed. Let's make him feel comfortable," vibe from women who are in happy relationships. And, of course, there is the, "You fuc**** perverted a$$! Go to hell you sick bastard! I bet you're shopping for your mistress, aren't you?! Huh?! ANSWER ME, YOU LOWLY F***!!" vibe from those who are not so happily involved. There is absolutely no middle-ground here, so don't expect one.

The most critical rule in this store is that under no circumstances should you say to an employee, "My wife is about your size. Do you mind holding this up for me in front of you?" For, if you say that to the wrong associate, there is a 99.2% chance that you will be walking out of the store missing your penis and right testicle. It happens every year to innocent men across the country.

Under no circumstances should you ask an employee at Victoria's Secret to model this. See how the look in her eyes suggests, "I should kill you right now."

Fact No. 3: I really wish somebody would have told me about this when I was single, so for you bachelor's, listen up because this one is important. Without question, the sweetest, cutest, most adorable, and altogether most flirtatious holiday-season employees work at Bath and Body Works. If you tell one of them you are shopping for your wife, they are on you like Democrats at an anti-war rally. That being said, as a married man, they are on you in the, "He's married, so he might as well be gay. I'll be overly-affectionate and touchy-feely with him because he is non-threatening" way (which, for a committed man, it's a cheap thrill that doesn't involve the need to spend $20 at some club called "Deuce's Wild.").

With this in mind, I came up with a theory for single guys. Go in there and tell an employee that you are shopping for "your secret crush." Within minutes, you will receive personal help from at least 5 beautiful women who will proceed to ask you 325 questions about said crush. After an hour of sampling aromatherapy body scrubs, lavender bath oils and peppermint pillow mists, I will guarantee that you will have a 7:00 PM dinner date with the tall brunette who talked you into buying 23 bottles of mandarin orange massage oil.

Fact No. 4: Don't let the crowds get to you. Old people will drive you crazy with how slow they move. It's like waiting in line behind a wax-mold. Other people rationalize that if they push you from behind, you can somehow move faster. Resist the temptation to scream at these people and just consider it a given, like how the sun rises each day and sets each night.

Ah yes, what a joy it is to holiday shop at a mall.

Fact No. 5: Forget about buying her clothes. Seriously, don't even think about it. There are currently 43 shirts in my wife's closet that still have the tags on them from previous Christmas Days. Oh sure, she may open it on Christmas morning and say things like, "This is cute. I know just the time I can wear this," but she's lying.

Fact No. 6: Unless you enjoy the sensation of the insides of your nostrils feeling like they've been hit by napalm, do not, under any circumstances, walk through the perfume department at Foley's. Employees will tell you that each perfume is designed so, "60% of the time, it works every time," but you have to realize that these people are in a perfume-induced state of retardation. Wouldn't you be if you worked this department? The fog is thicker than the Los Angeles pollution layer. Hell, I felt like I needed to take a bath in tomato soup when I got home, and I sprinted through that department while holding my breath faster than Tim Montgomery in the 4 x 400 relay.

Crossing the finish line at Foley's. Notice I'm still holding my breath while pointing to a group of guys cheering in the men's suit section.

Fact No. 7: Plan on spending an hour for yourself in a store like Sports Fever. You will feel so much better for it. There is one hazard, however. Every time you come to the conclusion that, "My life really wouldn't be complete without that $75 authentic Tim Duncan jersey," remember that your American Express card's magnetic strip is still registering 450 degrees from being swiped with the power of Zeus at a jewelry store.

Fact No. 8: Diamonds are forever, and Sierra Leone can kiss my rosy-red ass.

Fact No. 9: If you plan on buying her something for the kitchen, by no means say to the Williams-Sonoma employee, "She'll love this and I will make sure she uses it all the time. She loves to work in the kitchen." You will automatically be disqualified for the sale price on the 7-piece cutlery set, I promise you.

Fact No. 10: Wrap the presents in something other than your old Dilbert daily calendar comic strips. They tend not to appreciate that. Something about, "lack of effort."

Feel free to print out a copy of this tutorial for your holiday shopping experience. For more information, feel free to contact me at any time.

Top Ten Christmas Songs

by BH

Okay, so I've been a little into lists lately. I don't really have any ground rules here, except that I tried to have each artist appear only once. As you will see, I failed my own rule.

10. Paul McCartney- A Wonderful Christmas Time
-I don't know why I like this so much, and I'm sure to catch some flak from my "friend" Phil.
9. Ella Fitzgerald- We Three Kings of Orient Are/O Little Town of Bethelehem
-The only reason this song is at #9 is because she's already at #1.
8. Little Drummer Boy- Johnny Cash
7. Amy Grant- Breath of Heaven
6. The Beach Boys- Little Saint Nick
-Electric Mayhem does an amazing version of this in which Animal goes nuts, but I had to go with the orginal.
5. Vince Guaraldi- Christmastime is Here
-Does anyone hear this and not picture Charlie Brown and his friends skating?
4. John Denver and the Muppets- It's in Everyone of Us
-So, so, so, so good.
3. Dave Matthews- The Christmas Song
-For those not familiar, this is not the same as the more traditionally known The Christmas Song. The first time I heard it, I had to use the bathroom I thought it was so good.
2. Nat King Cole- Oh Holy Night
-Come on. I mean, come on.
1. Ella Fitzgerald- The Christmas Song
-This version is just really, really good. Like, breathtakingly good

Undoubtedly, you feel that I've missed good songs and included some that are questionable. I'd like to hear about it. So you all know, if anyone sends any comments suggesting that Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! should be on the list, it will be immediately erased. Got it? And Kenny Rogers/Dolly Parton songs cannot make the list due to the fact that they would bring up painful childhood memories. Said memories include listening to Kenny Rogers/Dolly Parton Christmas songs. They can be on the list by themselves, just not together. Please.

The Weekend I Missed

by BH

I've been out of town without access to a television since Friday. On Saturday, I was relegated to checking my phone for updates about the Heisman Trophy presentation. As anyone who has ever tried to get any sort of information through a wireless phone can attest, it was a pain. There I was, hunched over a 2x2 inch screen when, at around 6:45 p.m. PST, a headline popped up that said USC's Reggie Bush had won the Heisman in a landslide. I was happy to read the news, not because I liked Bush more than Vince Young or Matt Leinart, but because he is quite simply the best college football player I've ever seen.

If he catches some breaks, this kid might go somewhere

On Friday night, my friend Phil and I were sitting in a bar talking about the upcoming Heisman presentation, when I told him that if Bush were to not win the Heisman, it would be the greatest tragedy in western civilization. This got me thinking, so I made a list.

10. The Trail of Tears
9. The Spanish Inquisition
8. The Firebombing of Dresden- I really didn't know too much about this but Phil, a history teacher, says it was pretty bad.
7. The death of Socrates
6. The assassination of Ghandi
5. The assassination of Martin Luther King
4. The bombing of Hiroshima
3. The holocaust
2. The crucifixion of Jesus
1. Reggie Bush not winning the Heisman

Of course, Bush won the Heisman which saved us all from utter destruction. Evidently, the vote was so lopsided that the only person in the country surprised by the award was Texas' Vince Young who said, "I'm just disappointed for my fans, definitely for my teammates, my family back home, for not representing them in the right way. I just felt like I didn't represent my team and my family when I didn't come up with the trophy." This, of course, was sad to hear. Rather than saying something like, "Hey, I thought it would be a little closer, but Bush had a great year," or I don't know, anything that didn't sound like Young feeling sorry for himself, he sulked. Young had too good a year to think it was anything he didn't do that won Bush the Heisman.

Now it's on to the Rose Bowl game between Texas and USC. At this point, I'm leaning towards Texas. However, there's still a few weeks for me to change my mind and there will be tons of coverage about everything from Leinart's hairstylist to Mack Brown's favorite restaurant.

Random West Coast Thoughts

by SonDog

In San Francisco, the Giants' signing of free-agent Mark Sweeney (2 years, $1.8 million) generated a pretty good buzz, in part because it signaled the end of the J.T. Snow era at first base. Here's my question though: In an era when inconsistent middle relievers like Kyle Farnsworth, Bobby Howry and Scott Eyre are averaging over $4 million per season; how bad do you have to be to average less than $1 million a year? Sweeney is going to average $900k per season to be a backup at first base and the corner outfield positions. By no means should his signing have the words "significant" or "upgrade" attached to anything.

So, head case Ron Artest wants out of Indiana, huh? The Kings seem inclined to deal Peja Stojakovic, huh? OH, C'MON!!! This trade has made too much sense over the last three years for it not to happen. It's been talked about in the national sports pages as a possibility more than any other Kings trade in recent history. Rumors in the past were that Larry Bird was unwilling to part with Artest for Peja. And that was even AFTER Artest went Mortal Kombat-style on an innocent fan in Detroit. Now, with Artest asking to be traded, I'm betting that Kings GM Geoff Petrie is on the phone with Bird as I'm typing this. One thought though: How crazy do you think the team party in Vegas will be with Artest on the roster? I mean, seriously, do not take your loved ones anywhere near Sin City when that thing goes down. I can just see Artest leaping from the blackjack table to attack an innocent 7-year-old who accidentally kicked the back of his chair during a losing streak. The Maloof's may have to wheel that guy out of the Palms in a straight-jacket. I'm telling you, he is one scary dude.

This gives you a pretty good indication of how Ron Artest plays defense.

Were the season to end today, the 49ers would have the third pick in the April NFL draft, which is two picks too low for the draft rights to a guy who I'm told is the reincarnation of Gayle Sayers. The New Year's Eve game against Houston (1-11) could very well determine who gets the number 1 pick, unless the Jets and Packers keep deciding to channel the Arizona Cardinals of the 1990s each week. My question for this crap-fest is: Will the NFL have security advisors on hand to make sure each team doesn't intentionally blow it? Can't you see Dom Capers on the sideline calling for nothing but running plays on third and long? David Carr dropping back to pass and looking off his receivers so he can intentionally throw to the Niners' defensive backs? And if you're Alex Smith, and you know you're surrounded by a bunch of guys who would struggle to make a CFL roster, wouldn't you "accidentally" fumble about 32 snaps and just chalk it up to not having Jeremy Newberry under center? I lay awake at night thinking about this stuff.

Remember hockey? That funny Canadian sport played on ice? Apparently, the San Jose Sharks robbed the Boston Bruins of Joe Thornton a couple of weeks ago, and now the team is on fire. I read a little capsule about this in the USA Today over the weekend, so I just wanted to remind people that they are indeed still playing this sport. And, there are still teams in cities like Nashville, Atlanta and Columbus. And, the defending Stanley Cup champions are the Tampa Bay Lightning. It all makes perfect sense.

The Mailbag

by SonDog

Not to sound like Giants' manager, Felipe Alou (who is the king of beginning every sentence with, "I believe..."), but I believe last night was officially "Rock Bottom" night for the Sacramento Kings. I believe that in losing their fourth consecutive home game (something that they haven't done since 1997/1998), the Kings looked like a team that has tuned out its coach. I believe they looked like a team that had Rocky's choke collar around its neck in the fourth quarter. I believe they looked slow and old and every other word you would reserve for describing bad basketball teams.

Last night's game against the Houston Rockets was a game the Kings ABSOLUTELY had to win. True, there are other games that they have had to win. But this one was absolute. No doubt, the team absolutely needed a win. After all five starters were benched against a home loss to Minnesota, and then coming back with a disinterested, listless effort in a home loss against the Cleveland Cavs, everyone (at least the fans) seemingly understood that if the Kings did not win against Houston, the Maloof brothers would surely unleash a nuclear holocaust on the team (or at least start with firing the coach, hence last night's game being described around Sacramento as, "Save-Your-Coach's-Job-Night!")

Basically, the Kings blew a 14-point, second half lead and choked away the game in the fourth quarter. After returning from a business trip to Denver, I came home to find all sorts of emails regarding the state of affairs in Sacramento. Here's the best of the bunch:

From Stapes in San Francisco: Man, I didn't think it could get this bad. They need a road trip bad as ARCO is killing them. They are pressing too much and now the schedule won't help having to play San Antonio and Detroit. What they need is one of those Atlanta, Charlotte, Washington trips. I finally got all pissed-off and started throwing shit last night. They are in serious need of a shake up, but the only two things you can do are fire Adelman or trade Peja. They need something to give them a spark. I don't see how any minor tweaks such as putting Skinner in the rotation can turn this around. Last night I was even thinking they could activate Sampson and send that rookie point guard to the d-league.

Here's why - Bibby and Bonzi are getting beat off the dribble. Bibby we know about, but I didn't expect that to happen to Bonzi. We always hear he's tough and fearless and blah blah. He's also slow. So when they get beat there is no one to protect the rim to challenge shots and commit fouls. It's a total lay-up drill right now. Guys taking it to the rim are hurting them more than athletic big guys and rebounding are right now. Although both of those are still problems. It's not an easy fix and it's basically a fucked up situation. On offense they are super reliant on Bibby, Miller and Peja making jumpers. They don't run so basically they need all three of them to shoot a high percentage.

First the giants sucked all year and now this. 2005 was not our year.

From Kari in Sacramento: As seen on Highway 50 in Sacramento: I remember that on September 11, 2001, patriots hung American flags over this particular freeway overpass off of Highway 50. Today, though freeway patriotism has dwindled in the capital city, anger still reigns. As seen on the same freeway overpass scrawled on a bed-sheet:

FIRE Adelman.

From OZ in Sacramento: I was actually excited to get up this morning to check if Elston Turner was the new interim head coach. Oh well. Hopefully soon.

Last night was painful to watch. I think I may sue for sleep deprivation due to horrifying basketball.

New (?) Arrested Development

by BH

There's a story out today that Justine Bateman is going to play Michael's sister in an upcoming episode of the show. Every time I hear anything about Justine Bateman, I can't help but think of one of my friends. Over the course of about three or four months, my friend would repeatedly see this girl to whom he was attracted. My friend is pretty smooth, but she wouldn't give him the time of day. Despite our efforts, we never found out her name (nor did she ever show any interest in my friend) so, because of her resemblance to Justine Bateman, we resorted to calling her Mallory Keaton. Anyway...

The piece mentions that the show is being shopped around. That's what we've been hoping for. It doesn't matter what network it's on, so long as it's on. What bothers me the most about this whole thing is that FOX decision makers are going to point to the show's poor performance (#4 in its timeslot) on Monday night as a sign of, despite protests, weak interest in the show. This, of course, is total crap. It might have more to do with the fact that the show has been off and on intermittently over the past two and a half months. Maybe it has to do with the fact that when the show is scheduled, FOX plays very few commercials advertising it. Maybe had they put the show on against something other than the most consistent ratings grabber over the past thirty years. I'm sorry. I'm getting all riled up. I'm just going to sit back, watch new episodes, and hope that that the show gets picked up by another network.

I'll Miss J.T.

by BH

On Wednesday night, the San Francisco Giants declined to offer salary arbitration to J.T. Snow, their longtime first baseman. While the Giants move was not unexpected and was made easier by Snow's declining production over the past few seasons, it is still one of the saddest days I have felt as a Giants fan.

Snow first came to the Giants in a trade with the Angels in the winter of 1997. He was part of the new, refirbished infield that came as part of Brian Sabean's first year with the team. Not much was expected of that Giants team. They had traded away their most popular player in Matt Williams, in return receiving Jeff Kent and Jose Viscaino. Mark Lewis was going to be the new everyday third baseman, and Snow was going to be their first real first baseman since Will Clark had left following the 1993 season. The '97 Giants won 90 games and an NL West title. I will never forget a two-game series in late September against the Dodgers. The Giants had led the division almost the entire season, but found themselves entering this series trailing Los Angeles by two games. I was a sophomore at Shasta College, and my friend Rob and I decided we were going to drive to Candlestick and buy bleacher seats. Evidently, about 20,000 people had the same idea and when Rob and I got to the stadium, were forced to buy $40 scalped tickets instead. J.T. had quickly become my favorite player. He was amazing on defense, teamed with Barry Bonds and Kent to form a frightening 3-4-5, and played the game hard every night. Rob liked him too, so prior to the game we had decided that Rob would paint a "J" on his chest and I would sit next to him sporting a giant "T." Candlestick was packed and roaring 20 minutes before the first pitch. Long-time Giants fans know that a Candlestick crowd was a lot different than a Pac Bell crowd. More die-hard. They'd come to the park to actually watch the game. Anyway, in the top of the first, with Woody on the mound, J.T. dove for a hard liner and got the out, giving Rob and I sufficient reason to expose our chests. In the bottom of the first, Bonds hit a two-run shot off of Chan-Ho Park, did the pirouette we still see on highlights from time-to-time, and the Giants won the game 2-1. The Giants went on to pull off a miracle win the next day, taking the west a few days later.

J.T. Snow is not going to the Hall of Fame. He will not have his number retired by the Giants. He hit .268, with 1500 hits, 189 home runs, and 873 RBI's. If there were a defensive Hall, he'd be in. If he had continued playing in New York, he'd be talked about as the best defensive first baseman in history. Now he receives only passing mention in that category, and even that talk is fading away. He gave Giants fans some memorable moments though. I can remember his bomb off of Armando Benitez in game 2 of the 2000 NLDS. I can remember jumping around like a maniac in the lobby of the Vail Village Inn, giving my friend Kendrick hugs and high fives when it happened. I'll never forget his play in the 2002 playoffs when he fell while trying to catch a foul pop, only to recover and catch the ball. The torrid pace with which he hit over the second half of 2004 reminded all Giants fans what he had been for so long and why he was our favorite. People used his collision with Ivan Rodriguez in the 2003 playoffs as a metaphor for J.T.'s declining skills, but they got it wrong. It was a metaphor for how he played the game. What better a representation of Snow's character than going down fighting?

In the end, J.T. got old. He spent much of the past few season on the disabled list. Despite his defensive value, his lack of offensive production made him a subpar first baseman. I hope he retires and becomes a coach for the Giants. I don't want to see him in a Royals uniform. I kind of feel like I did when Joe Montana left for Kansas City. There are certain guys you know you'd hate if they played for another team. Bonds and Kent are those kinds of guys. Snow is not. Even if he plays for a team facing the Giants, I can't imagine wanting to see him fail the way I do when I watch Kent. For now, we will be looking for the next great Giant first baseman, the way we did when Clark left for Texas. Maybe Lance Niekro will be that guy. Maybe not. J.T. Snow was.

The Colbert Report

Stephen Colbert was on Fresh Air on NPR this morning. If you didn't catch it, you can find a little write-up at http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5040948, or the audio of the show at npr.org.

Breakin the Monotony

by SonDog

My perfect start to the week would involve Jessica Alba and Elisha Cuthbert, a winning lottery ticket, a 10 day contract with the Hawks, and maybe world peace or something. A close second would be watching this video. (And I totally just plagiarized that from ESPN.com's Page 2 and pawned it off as my own for a moment, but there are simply times in life where it is absolutely impossible to describe something better than what has already been said. This is one of those times. Jessica Alba... Mmmmmm.)

For any of you California natives, you should truly appreciate this video of Kaleeforneea (sent in by Caroline). For any Republicans that think I'm the unpatriotic version of the anti-Christ for posting this link, just remember, you still control every single branch of our government.

For those of you who are fans of Family Guy, you'll enjoy this. If you're not a fan, you'll still enjoy this. If you liked playing Mortal Kombat as a youngster AND you like Family Guy, then this could be the best video you will ever see.

MLB Speculation

by BH

ESPN.com's Rumor Central is reporting that Cardinal pitcher Matt Morris is close to a two-year, $16 million contract with San Francisco. It seems crazy to believe news coming from something with "Rumor" in the title, but I'm excited. What's a little disconcerting is that the Cards are balking at his price tag. Morris isn't coming off his best year, but one would think, after all he's done in St. Louis, the Cards would want to pay for him to remain a Cardinal. Reports from the San Francisco Chronicle have the Giants also looking at David Wells, Kris Benson, and Jarrod Washburn. Guh, guh, and guh. According to the Chronicle's John Shea , "Benson wants to stay in New York - at least according to his wife, Anna, who blasted the Mets for shopping the pitcher one year after they gave him a four-year contract." Anna Benson is miffed about the Mets interest in moving her husband because she suspects it has to do with her negotiations with Playboy to pose nude. Hey Anna, I have an idea. Don't pose nude in Playboy and you might get to stay in New York. If that is the problem. They might want to trade him due to his 4.25 career ERA or his sub .500 record. Some reports have the Benson's going to Kansas City. I wonder if she'll go with him.

People will still notice me in K.C. Won't they?

Rumor Central is also reporting that the Giants are one of four teams interested in Bill Mueller. Again. This would be his third go of it in San Francisco. He had a good 2000 as a Giant and won the AL batting title a few years ago, and it might be nice to see steady output at third base rather than what they get from Feliz or Alfonzo.

Apparently, there has been some interest in the Yankees organization about Nomar Garciaparra. Crazy interest.

The Children Are Our Future

by BH

At the school in which I work, we give kids a snack everyday around 2:00 in the afternoon. Which snacks the children receive is determined by either the school or the district, I don't know which. In the past, we have had to give them some crazy things like "Raz-apple" apple sauce in otter pop-ish tubes that contain no rasberries and very little apple sauce. On Monday though, it reached a new low when we had to give them chocolate mini donuts. It's insane what gets put into these kids. I made an effort to find something a little less, um I don't know, inappropriate, to no avail. Donuts? Does someone actually get paid to determine the snacks that these kids get? If so, is that person insane? I like a doughnut from time to time, but I would never send my kid to school with a six pack. It seems like over the past few years, a cultural switch has been made in which we have become far more aware of the nutritional content of items in schools. Many districts have eliminated soft drink machines and are no longer partnering with corporate sponsors, who for a little advertising, gives schools cheap, unhealthy food. And the kids at my school get donuts.

The Jays would overpay for Steve Phillips

by BH

On ESPN.com, former Mets GM Steve Phillips has listed his top 50 free agents, along with predictions about where each player will play next year. So far, on predictions, he's 2 for 15. In baseball terms, that's a .133 average. His evaluations of players are crazy. Thay usually say something along the lines of "He's a gamer," "He has a belly full of guts," "He takes the ball and gets the job done more often than not." Why isn't this guy a GM? Hmmm.

Below are excerpts from a story on sfgiants.com about the Giant's lack of communication with Brett Tomko.

"There are 10, 12 teams we know are interested," said Tomko, "I'd like to stay in San Francisco but they've made minimal efforts to contact us. That's surprising to me because I had a decent feeling when the season ended."
To pitch?! Seriously? 10 to 12 Major League Baseball teams? I can't believe there are 10 to 12 teams out there who think a head case might be just what that team needs. I had a decent feeling when you ended the season too. It consisted of "Thank God I don't have to watch Brett Tomko pitch anymore."

The 32-year-old veteran had an 8-15 record and 4.48 ERA last season, but he still led the team with three complete games, was second with 30 starts and 190 2/3 innings and third with 114 strikeouts.
I don't have anything to say about this except that it should tell us how bad the Giants were that he could lead them in anything other than home runs allowed, walks, and meltdowns.

At times he was a hard-luck hurler, often receiving little run support or watching the bullpen blow a lead.
That did happen a couple of times, but a guy doesn't have an 8-15 record because of the bullpen. When you go out there with a 4.48 ERA, your entire record basically is reliant on run support.

All Star on the "Coulda" team

"The two years I've had here have been great," said Tomko. "But we [he and agent Joe Longo] have heard little to nothing from the Giants. It's been surprising they didn't at least make more of an effort.
Let's tell you why it's not surprising Brett. In your next to last start, a game the Giants absolutely needed to stay in the race, you were bombed. The start after that, a start in which the Giants had been eliminated, you looked like Cy Young. If you were the Giants, would the guy who comes up small in big games be on your priority list?

"I feel I could have had 15, 16 wins last year," said the right-hander. "I'm a good quality guy who brings a lot to a team, including close to 200 innings."
Basically, Tomko's only real baseball claim to fame seems to be that he's an innings eater. Every year, that's what we hear when anyone discusses what he brings to the table. It's hard to imagine how this guy thinks a 4.48 ERA is going to get him 15 or 16 wins anywhere other than Colorado or St. Louis.

Tomko has awesome stuff. He can throw in the mid-90's with movement. His breaking stuff is sharp. At points he looks unbelieveable, yet can pitch like crap in the same inning. It's crazy that this guy seems to languish at or below .500 year after year, despite his talent. He's one of those guys who's perpetually on the verge of having a breakout year.