We're not bloggers. We're lazy douchebags.

Even though the two aren't mutually exclusive.  No, we're just busy.  I don't work in an office, thus the down parts of my day can't be filled with the paragon in profundity that are the Roscoe Galt rants about nothing and everything.  Instead, my posting is reserved, er, confined to the wee hours of the morning or the end of a day of which I've spent God knows how many hours wrangling cats.  Suddenly, bitching about Derek Fischer's foul feels trite, as it would to blast one ESPN.com primary photo after another of KG screaming or chest-thumping.  So to you, lone, solitary, singular, basement-dwelling MHR frequenter (?), I hope to...we, hope to again offer reason to be frequented, providing the kind of clear-headed, above-the-fray analysis and opinion consistent with someone who has been to the future, returned, and now blogs with the clarity and perception only 20-20 hindsight can afford.  Confused at all?    

On that note, what the fuck is up with the Giants losing the first two games of the Pads series after sweeping Arizona?  I mean, what the fucking fuck?  Suddenly, after looking promising, Pat Misch looks like a two-armed pickle throwing sauerkraut at a wall made of a mixture of pig and duck shit.  Dammit.

She didn't need to do that, even though she really didn't

After Hildog's comments about Robert F. Kennedy's June 1968 assassination, she issued this non-apology apology, 

"The Kennedys have been much on my mind the last days because of Senator [Ted] Kennedy and I regret that if my referencing that moment of trauma for our entire nation, and particularly for the Kennedy family, was in any way offensive. I certainly had no intention of that, whatsoever.  My view is that we have to look to the past and to our leaders who have inspired us and give us a lot to live up to, and I'm honored to hold Senator [Robert] Kennedy's seat in the United States Senate from the state of New York and have the highest regard for the entire Kennedy family," 

Not only was the apology not technically an apology, even the effort was unnecessary.  Hildog's point making the initial comments had to have been, "Hey, anything can happen.  This shitty thing happened forty years ago.  Some other things that have mattered have happened this late in the race in the past.  So let's all calm the fuck down."  If that's what she meant, why not make that statement rather than the apology?  Because it demonstrates that a) she is sorry the comments have damaged her campaign, b) she is not sorry for the intent behind the comments, and c) is willing to placate supporters and interested parties by throwing up political nonsense  she and her staff thinks will sell with the rabble.  Sigh.  The furor exhibited by some is a demonstration in absurdity.  They know what she meant, but the current political environment is one that demands blandness and the khakization of our leaders, with pundits and doucheclowns ready to pounce on any perceived misstep.  The New York Post runs to Al Sharpton for a comment, who expresses a sense of outrage and dismay at Clinton's statements.  Outrage on who's behalf?  Obama's or Kennedy's?  Is she hoping someone goes all Sirhan Sirhan on Obama?  Fucking duh no, you stupid assholes.  But, no one knows what is going to happen at any time over the course of the next minute, let alone the next month.  Do we need everything said with the grace of, well, Grace Kelley?  How can the entire country seemingly unite behind the witch trial of calling a candidate an "elitist," yet expect elitism? 

Might be funny to watch

New Giant Alex Hinshaw following his MLB debut against the White Sox and pitching well against the Rockies:

"When you first toe the rubber, it's always a jittery feeling because I only have a limited amount of...experience."

I couldn't help getting a visual of Hinshaw excitedly trying to roll a condom over his big toe.

It's a crime

I'll be the first to admit I don't watch a lot of NBA basketball.  I think the last time I really paid attention to an entire season was 1996.  I still watch from time to time.  I went to a Kings game last year, mostly because the tickets were free.  I write that to demonstrate that even a guy who barely watches knows the number of steps LeBron was taking throughout game seven was out of control.  I mean, fucking come on.  A joke.  And the chest-pounding KG does or screaming and hopping around Paul Pierce did?  Guh.  I know it's a big game on a large scale.  You're playing in front of a lot of people in the stands and at home, but I've always supported the idea that you adapt to your situation.  When you were a kid did you scream after a three in one of those games played at half-time of the high school basketball game?  Or when you reached high school?  No.  Because it would have been stupid.  Szcerblinenanek hits a three and hops in the air to pump his fist?  Are you kidding me with this shit?  When does the cheeziness douchebaggery become an accepted, expected part of the game?  A sighing "fuuuuuuck" to it all.

This has to have been written by a high-schooler...

...because John Donovan's MLB Power Rankings at SI.com is awwwwwwful.  I can't tell if the whole thing is one guy's from-the-hip opinion, if there's any rhyme or reason to this picks, or if he just watches Sportscenter for his information.  Sightastic.  

Tampa Bay Rays - Are the Rays really the third-best team in baseball, you ask? Well, this week they are, I answer. After sweeping the Angels and beating the Yankees three out of four, everyone has to be impressed. Plus they're in first place in the most difficult division for a small-revenue team in baseball to win in, the American League East. Will they stay on top, you ask? Well, these aren't the All-Seeing PRs, I answer.

Wonderful, I sarcastically answer.  Jesus, talk about your qualifiers.  "Plus, they're in first place in the most difficult division for a small-revenue team in baseball to win in, the American League East."  

Houston Astros

I'm not sure the Astros can stay here with that starting pitching -- in fact, I'm pretty sure they can't -- but give them credit for spunkiness. They've won six times when behind after eight innings. That?s spunky-riffic. Meanwhile, Lance Berkman continues to swing the bat like an MVP (his .391, 15 homers, 43 RBIs are only a few points on the batting average short of Triple Crown stuff), pushing the Astros to 11 wins in their last 13 games.

Houston has the 11th best record in baseball but is fourth on this list.  Clearly, the team's +513 spunkiness factor bumped them up the list.  The Astros are like the baseball version of a sophomore cheerleader.  Yahoo!  And parenthetically, Berkman's doing something good to help.  

More importantly, what are Donovan's criteria?  Clearly, he does not think the Astros are going to bee this good all year.  Is it about right now?  Or a team's actual perceived goodness on the Donovan-abortion-nothing-new-rip-off-of-every-other-power-rankings-scale?  Cripes.

Los Angeles Angels

Ex-ace John Lackey is back, and he looked pretty good Wednesday against the White Sox. Not good enough for the Halos to win, unfortunately, but good enough to give Angels' fans plenty to hope for in the next few months. This weekend, the Big A hosts the cross-sprawl Dodgers in the opening of interleague play. It's great when these two sets of rowdy fans start throwing California rolls and guacamole at each other.

I have two problems with this.  1) what is this condescending bullshit and 2) when was John Lackey an ace?  Do a team's fan's ferocity and narcissism regarding their teams have anything to do with the Angels' spot on the list.  Fuck, dude.  A joke about Californians eating sushi and avocados.  I think 1989 just winked at you.  Well done, doucheclown.  Fuck, Phillie fans eat boxes of rusty nails at the game.  You should be there to see the fans when The Cards and Royals hook up.  Two of the seven grains in their cereal are tornado dust and Mississippi silt.  

Boston Red Sox

How can you not absolutely love Manny Ramirez? So he hangs his teammates out to dry once in a while, and his defense is not something he really bothers with most nights, and he sometimes looks as if he'd rather be anywhere than where he is. Sometimes, in fact, he looks like he is someplace else. Still, that catch the other day, where he high-fived the fan and then completed a double play? Priceless.

Aside from these eight reasons, how could you not love Manny?  Oh yeah, Manny being Manny means the Red Sox are #6 on the list.  

Philadelphia Phillies

The Phillies are a little worried about Brett Myers, who is 0-3 with a 7.62 ERA in his last five starts. "It's almost a little bit of the Adam Eaton syndrome, where any time the ball was anywhere near the hitting zone, they killed it," catcher Chris Coste said. I don't know what the Eaton Syndrome is, exactly, but it sounds awfully scary. Hope Myers and ace Cole Hamels are on opposite sides of the clubhouse.

Hahaha.  You don't know what Adam Eato...oh he just...described...it for you.  

Florida Marlins

The Marlins had it going on with a seven-game winning streak until they ran into -- the Reds? With three losses in Cincinnati (and a rainout Thursday), the Fish showed again that they can flop around with the best, and the worst, of them. Love the imminent signing of Hanley Ramirez. Still don't think that makes this a playoff team.

So a contract extension for a guy already playing for the Marlins might now transform them into a playoff team?  Analysis complete, and check cashed.    

New York Mets

Are we all psyched up about another Subway Series this weekend? It'll be the last, you might have heard, in the old Yankee Stadium. Unless, of course, the Yanks and Mets meet in the World Series again. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. I crack myself up. I better stop laughing. Billy Wagner is liable to bite my head off.

Why the Wagner-bash?  He was pissed because his teammates weren't talking to reporters.  

     

New York Yankees

Hank's barking about wanting to be more like the Rays. If the seat of Brian Cashman's pants get any hotter, he's gonna earn his own MTV show. The lineup just hit .197 against Tampa Bay. Another week in paradise.         

I'll admit, I don't get the MTV joke.  Is it about hot girls with hot-pants.  Is there a new show called "The Hot Seat" I've never seen.  I haven't watched MTV in like 10 years, so I'm lost.  Speaking of Lost, my guess is that Jin, Desmond and Micheal are about to die on the boat.  Micheal's story has petered out, Desmond has had his reconnection with Penny, and Sun told the reporters that Jin had not died on the island.  Desmond is my - a lot of peoples, really -favorite character, but the writers have been known to fuck us before.  Hello, Mr. Eko. 

    

Cincinnati Reds

Ken Griffey Jr. told new GM Walt Jocketty, according to the Enquirer, that he wants to play in Cincy and win a championship there. Jocketty has had no trade discussions with anyone about Junior. Did I mention Griffey is hitting .250 with four homers?

I mean, isn't ripping on Griffey Jr. just stupid at this point?  And wouldn't it be more appropriate to rip on him if he were demanding a trade despite his BA and bombs?  The guy's not having the greatest year, but he's on base a lot (.335).

San Francisco Giants

GM Brian Sabean told the Chronicle the other day that, "we've got to be considered one of the most improved teams in baseball." This is prime material for a wisecrack. But I am speechless. How about you, Giants' fans?

I know they've floundered a bit lately, but I totally agree that this is one of the most improved teams in baseball.  Considering the team was universally chosen to win seven games all year, a lot of young players are getting a chance to play, Brian Wilson is one of the best closers in baseball, and Tim Lincecum is a stud, yeah, I'd say they're much improved and their situation has improved since the beginning of the year.  

Seattle Mariners

Interesting story in the Times the other day asking if the diverse M's, who have players from 10 different countries and territories, are suffering from a communications gap. The M's say no. Which leads us to conclude that they just stink.

MLB players are a bunch of ethnocentric fags. 

Jeebus, man, isn't the whole snarky power rankings thing a little played by now?

Once and Again

Richie Sexson reproves the oldest of adages, "Richie Sexson is a clownfucker douche."  Way to charge the mound because of a pitch that was over the plate, fucknuts.  Bugs and Cranks has the video.  

The NFL doesn't have a drug problem

Or else they have employed the greatest P.R. staff ever assembled anywhere, anytime in the history of P.R.ing and covering things up. 

It's become a punchline

Two guys walk into a bar...one turns to the other and says, "I need a drink.  My mother just died."  "Shit," the other says.  "Barry Zito."

Hahahahahahahaha.  Hahahahahahahahahaha.  Oh, my sides.  

The joke is on us, Giants fans.  We've got how many more years of the Zito pyrotechnics experience?   Now the Giants are looking at sitting him for a start or maybe sending him to the bullpen.  Of course, what Zito offers won't work, nor will it help in the bullpen.  No speed.  Little control.  That seems like a bad combination.  

And now the Giants are faced with truly he worst contract in baseball.  I've been a Zito supporter, and was never on the ripping-the-Giants-for-his-contract bandwagon.  At the time, that's what the free agent market was producing and the Giants bit.  I was excited.  Sure they'd spent a lot of money, but this was Barry Zito; a Bay kid; never missed a start; innings eater; played the guitar.  Now, pluh.  Maybe he still plays the guitar.      

I don't hate Zito.  I would never boo a guy for playing like shit if he's truly efforting.  Fuck knows he's been working his ass off to tweak this or that in an effort to gain back an inch or two on his fastball; to hit his spots with consistency.  I'm not a psychologist or a pitching coach.  I made five appearances in college and ended up with an ERA over 7.  But, my suggestion, as I'm sure Dave Righetti's must be, is just stop thinking about everything and pitch.  Zito is a golfer who's lost his natural swing.  Who ever thought Barry Zito would have become a head-case?

If Tim Lincecum played in New York...

Maybe his win last night would have been noticed east of Denver.  As it is, Lincecum's outdueling Chris Young to improve to 4-0, taking over the strikeout lead with 36, and lowering his ERA to 1.23 gets no love on ESPN.com's headlines, nor even on its baseball page headlines.  I generally don't waste time looking at the site or worrying about the network's lackluster approach to legitimate news.  But fucking come on.  Joba's first loss?  The Orioles beating the Mariners?  It's a small sample size, but the dude has become one of the best pitchers in baseball.  Can you imagine the reaction if he were doing what he's doing in Boston?  New York?  Fucking Atlanta or Florida for that matter?  You'd think he'd have at least gotten a mention.  Fuck, I know it's not about newsworthiness anymore.  I know it's a high school paper.  Fuck, though.  I mean fucking fuck.  Yes, I know.  Ripping on ESPN for its overwhelmingly and generally accepted East-coast bias is a bit, I don't know, boring and played.  But to call the network simply biased toward the East is inaccurate.  ESPN's eyes are glued to the east coast, but it's odd the things on which the network seems to focus.  Wait, no it's not.  Ratings.  Hits.  Page views.  Yes, that's it.  I understand now.  So I guess we'll watch Lincecum toil in that American Sports Siberia that is Northern California, making baseball history along the way, while ESPN "reports" on the "news" that is the state of Joba Chamberlain's soul or David Ortiz's cankles or Carlos Delgado's spot in the order.          

Thursday Night TV

Last night's '30 Rock' was amazing.  I'd put the episode in my top 10 episodes of anything ever.

As for 'Lost?'  Ben is fucking rad.  Ahhh, the transition from being despised to loved.  How did that happen?  It's nice that the suspicions or questions we've all had about Ben's connection to the black smoke, Jacob's connection to the black smoke, the black smoke's connection to the island, and Widmore's connection to Ben, are becoming more clear.  It seems like things move fast in the world of 'Lost' these days.  The entire first season could have been included in last night's episode.  Now it's like a whole lot of shit happens every single episode.  Thank God. 

I've lost interest in 'My Name is Earl.'  A buddy was over last night and asked, "Is he still in a coma?"  I guess.  Really, I didn't get into it last night which I think says something about how compelling it all seemed.   

Kobe back in the Rockies; Female front desk clerks buy chastity belts

Great, great, great post on one of the greatest blogs going: With Leather discusses Kobe Bryant's LOOK AT MEEEE!! party last night against the Nuggets.

Sure, he may be the MVP of the league this year (although I would vote for Chris Paul, and not just because of spite), but he's also the undisputed Biggest Cocksmoke of Them All award winner. Read the post on With Leather, then watch the video. Or, watch the video, then read the post. The order doesn't really matter, I suppose.



Dickhead.

What can you buy with $66.85 million?

A whole lot of over-the-hill, injured, or over-the-hill AND injured baseball players. That is, if your name is Brian Sabean and you think statisticians are just a bunch of nerds that don't know anything about baseball. According to ESPN.com, here are the top-10 Giants salaries for 2008:

1. Barry Zito: $14.5 million
2. Aaron Rowand: $9.6 million
3. Randy Winn: $8.9 million
4. Ray Durham: $7.5 million
5. Dave Roberts: $6.5 million
6. Bengie Molina: $6.2 million
7. Omar Vizquel: $5.0 million
8. Rich Aurilia: $4.5 million
9. Noah Lowry: $2.5 million
10. Brad Hennessey: $1.6 million

In total, these fabulous 10 players, all with meager to below average VORP numbers, comprise $66.85 million of the Giants' $76.1 million payroll. Unreal.