Return of SaoTSARBoE

by SonDog

Last December I wrote a story titled, "New Statistic - SaoTSARBoE - A Fan's Guide to Efficiency." In it, I basically morphed into a balder version of John Hollinger - a man capable of creating his own basketball statistics that seemingly reasonable people use as a guide to player efficiency.

Let me emphasize one thing here with the help of ctrl + b, ctrl + i and !: The man is creating his own statistics - even naming them after himself!! Does anybody else find this a little, I dunno... retarded? Not only that, but for the second year in a row, Allen Iverson is leading NBA point guards in Hollinger's efficiency rating. Allen Iverson?! Right here, right now, I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me that this is not the most ridiculous thing you've heard that does not involve Isiah Thomas swinging a trade.

Seriously.

With a straight face.

After not much thought, I've determined that Hollinger is the coach of the There are lies, there are damned lies, and there are statistics team. In fact, coming into this season, Hollinger filled every roster spot on that squad.

Don't look now, Johnny, but you have a possible competitor who is slowly making a name for himself. So much so that we don't even know his name. Yes, that's right, there is a new, anonymous version of John Hollinger out there lurking in the dark under-belly of www.nba.com. Indeed, some anonymous mad scientist has created his own revolutionary stat while undoubtedly praying at the alter of John Hollinger's Stats Page.

Ladies and Gentleman, I introduce to you THE LENOVO STAT!

(Wait for it...)

(Wait...)

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

To quote NBA.com, "The Lenovo Stat shows the power of teamwork. It's a way of showing the best-engineered/best combination of players on the court. The Lenovo Stat is a plus/minus statistic that looks at the point differential when players are both in and out of the game, to see how the team performs with various combinations. The Lenovo Stat can look at a variety of combinations – including the best two-player, three-player and even five-player combinations for each game." In fact, the Lenovo Stat even works for single players. Which, of course, tells us nothing about the power of teamwork. From what I can tell, the Lenovo Stat was created by a Dave McMenamin, which makes about as much sense as the stat itself.

True, the Lenovo Stat doesn't factor in the many variables that come along with players sharing time on the court, rather it just keeps track of the scoreboard, but at least it makes guys like Chuck Hayes seem important. True, Chuck Hayes spends an awful lot of time alongside the best center in the NBA (Yao Ming) and one of the best off-guards in the NBA (Tracy McGrady), but why split hairs.

The new statistic hasn't exactly captivated the minds of NBA front-office types. In fact, it's so un-revolutionary that the head coach of the Seattle Supersonics, Bob Hill was quoted as saying, "I don't even know what it is." I can't make that up.

So with this in mind, I've decided to bring back SaoTSARBoE. It's truly the best player-efficiency measure for a fan. (For those of you who don't remember, the SaoTSARBoE acronym stands for, "Swear at or Throw Shit Across the Room Because of Efficiency." To calculate, all you do is calculate the average total per 48 minutes a die-hard fan both A) Swears at a player for any reason (SaP x 48minutes/player's minute per game average), and B) Throws any type of object through the living room in disgust (be it a tv remote, couch pillow or even a plush dog toy) due to a mistake by said player (TSARBo x 48minutes/player's minute per game average). A + B = SaoTSARBo Efficiency. It is imperative that the die-hard fan is watching his or her beloved team in the comfort of his or her own living room, with full concentration on the game.

New for 2007 - Baby rattles, used diapers and binkies are multiplied by two when calculating the amount of shit thrown across the room.

The beauty of this stat is that it is not limited to basketball. It's a chamelion. The Bo Jackson of statistics, if you will. You can use it in baseball, football, soccer, whatever. Before its premature death, you could have used it for hockey efficiency as well. I can't wait for BH to try it during the Olympics.

This weekend will provide a perfect opportunity to measure the current SaoTSARBo Efficiency levels of the 2006/2007 Sacramento Kings. Sac travels to San Antonio on Friday night and Dallas on Saturday. An SaoTSARBo recap will soon follow. If all goes well, I'll present my statistic to FoxSports.com (since ESPN and NBA.com are both taken) late next week and I'll be joining the Hollinger-Lenovo fraternity in no time.

Cold Potato, Cold Potato

posted by BH

There is news this morning out of Australia that the Wiggles are going to announce the departure of lead singer Greg Page.

These are sad, sad times for little boys and girls.

Seriously though, they sang the least obnoxious, most clever, enjoyable kids songs I can remember from a kids' group.

Sorry. No pantless Greg pics.

A Vast Expanse (or two)

by SonDog

May I be the first (on this site) to welcome Britney Spears back to Slutville. Brit, we missed you.

Since dumping K-Fed, she's not only hanging out with Paris Hilton, but she's also taking her pants off in public... with Paris Hilton. Somehow, this makes all the sense in the world. Everything is right again with all that is holy... and unholy... and big-holey. How long is it going to be before they have an official "Whore-off" competition (thank you South Park) on the dance floor at Ghost Bar in Vegas. I'm putting the over/under at 7 days. Bets?

The co-mayors of Slutville

At some point in the last two weeks, Spears reached the proverbial, "Fuck it. I'm going to slut myself out like the good old days" stage. Not only that, but Spears and Hilton are suddenly inseperable (On second thought, I guess that makes perfect sense). In fact, they are so close that Hilton even provides a helping hand with Spears's kids.

Personally, I wouldn't let Hilton within 25 feet of my son. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase, "I wouldn't touch her with your peeder." What you may not know is that the aforementioned phrase originated during a conversation about Paris Hilton between two dudes drinking beer. At any rate, there is a strong chance that Sean Preston Spears now has crabs.

Run child! Ruuuuun!

Really?

posted by BH

This afternoon on NFL Rewind on Sirius NFL Radio, Jack Arute said

The New York Giants literally came apart in the fourth quater.

Sweet. I've never seen a football team literally come together, so I'm looking forward to seeing highlights.

NFL Uniform Rankings

posted by BH

Well, the title says it all. I'm bored this morning, so I thought I'd rank NFL uniforms from worst to best, in that order. My main limitation or guideline was that I ranked 1st through 4th in each division, then arranged each division rank in order. For example, I ranked all the 1's as 1-8, all the 2's as 9-16, and so on. This means a team might have the second best uniform, but can only rise as high as #9 because it has the second best uni in its division. The other thing is, I can take road, home, or alternate jerseys into account. Also, this is totally subjective. So...

32. Green Bay Packers- Boring. Not only that, they're ugly. I know there's a lot of tradition there, but come on. You could make the stripes on the arm a little smaller, or you could use a little less obnoxious shade of yellow on the pants. Anything. Seriously, rub it with dog crap and it will look better. The worst is the white-top concoction. Hideous.

31. Tennesee Titans- Again, boring. I don't know. I don't really have too much against this jersey, except that it happens to be in the #2 division on the BH Division Jersey Ranking Index (BDJRI) and they've got some powder blue. Tough break. No. What am I saying? It's not a tough break. The thing is ugly as hell.

30. Carolina Panthers- Lots of that yucky powder blue. Some teams can pull off the blue, like Jacksonville and San Diego, but not Carolina. The white pants don't do anyone any favors here either. I'm not against the white pants on principle or anything. They just don't work here. The whole getup makes the players look like pussies, which, I should have mentioned in the beginning, figures into these rankings and will from here on be called the Toughness Quotient (TQ).

29. Miami Dolphins- Another team suffering from the mild blue monster. To make matters worse, they thought the best idea was to augment that blue with orange. Good call. Is there a rule that states teams in a warm-weather climate have to employ jerseys with soft colors to play football?

28. Cincinnati Bengals- Too busy. I get it. You've got stripes. They come miraculously close to making this work, especially in the all black jerseys. The whites are terrible though.

27. Philadelphia Eagles- Sort of in the same boat as Green Bay here. Out-dated, boring, ugly jersey that makes the players look fat and slow, weakening their TQ (-13). Again, the white pants don't help at all.

26. Kansas City- Tough break here. I'd have probably put KC's uni at 16, or at least somewhere higher, but they are in the #1 BDJRI division, the AFC West. The red tops look good, even with the white bottoms. The all-white look severely pussifies this team, a fact not helped by Trent Green, which knocks it to 4th in the division.

25. St. Louis Rams- The early-00's upgrade of this jersey helped it up the list a little. The gold all over the uniform is a huge improvement over the standard yellow they used to use. This jersey could have been higher, but the Rams are last in the #5 BDJRI division.

24. Minnesota Vikings- I would have made them #31, but that violates the rules here. Stupid, ugly, crap-fest. This season, the team took steps to dewimpify their look, to no avail.

23. Washington Redskins- They've got the tradition thing going on, which is nice, but ugly traditon only gets you so far.

22. Arizona- With the red tops, they look presentable. I probably could have switched the Rams and Cards, but whatever. I'm doing this on a a whim on Sunday morning, and recognizing this was a serious undertaking. The uni's not really offensive to my retinas in any way, so there you go.

21. Atlanta Falcons- Jerry Glanville was a jackass, but introducing the black unis was the best decision he ever made for this team. They have a high TQ(+11), which helps a lot.

20. Buffalo Bills- The all-blues look cool, and even with the white pants this uniform doesn't make me want to wretch. The red/blue color scheme works somehow. This is another team that should be higher, but they are in the #3 BDJRI division in football.

19. Oakland Raiders- Silver and black looks stupid. The Raiders are stupid. Pirates were after gold you fucking idiots. What do they find in chests during every pirate movie ever made? I'll give you a hint, it's not silver. Come to think of it, this team should have been #31 (nothing should ever be ranked worse off than Green Bay). Your whole uniform is based on a bad history report or something.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers- There's some tradition to this look, but not enough to put it higher. The black tops with yellow bottoms is a good look, but I'm just not feeling it here. There's a reason teams sort of tweak their look every few years. It's called the Pittsburgh Steelers.

17. Jacksonville Jaguars- Dude, I can't explain why I like this uniform. The black bottoms and the blue top shouldn't work, but it does, probably because the players wearing it look terrifying in it (+17 TQ).

16. New England Patriots- The all-blues look pretty good, and the white tops don't look horrid. Seriously, a team with dark pants can do a lot to overcome a weak top, and the Patriots' white tops aren't that weak.

15. Seattle Seahaks- They've looked way better with the dark blues. They are sort of in the same boat as the Patriots. Dark blue is a scary color when it's running at you in the form of 6-5, 275 pounds.

Scary, huh?

14. Houston Texans- Again, the blues. The red socks could hit the laundry machine, but there's probably some meaning there I don't get. Like maybe the red is meant to signify the blood spilled at the Alamo, or astronauts who have died, or...maybe they think red looks good with blue. I don't.

13. Detroit Lions- Somehow, they overcome the curse of tradition and manage to look good. The silver pants help the light blue tops. I don't know how the hell they got silver and blue from a lion, but they did. Shouldn't the uniform be the color of blood and gazelle fur?

12. Dallas Cowboys- You're from Texas. I get it. Thanks for the huge star. This uni should be #30. What's wrong with me?

The thing they wore on Thanksgiving is way better than the thing they usually wear. In a crazy twist of creation, the dark blue tops actually look worse than the white tops.

11. New Orleans- The gold pants with the black tops is a good look. Yes, gold in the jersey. I like it. Pay attention to the foreshadowing.

10. Baltimore Ravens- As I've pointed out, looking tough is important, so my love of the Ravens' uniform might be scewed by Ray Lewis playing for this team. The all-whites are tough to handle, but they still look tough in them.

Scary, huh?

(note to Mr. Lewis: if for some crazy reason you ever see this, I'm scared as hell to use your mugshot as a joke. I'm a little pussy schoolteacher in a little hick town in, uh, North Dakota. Yes, that's it. I really mean you no harm, and I think you're a great player. In fact, I tried to get you as my defensive player on my fantasy team, but I ended up wasting my time with Bart Scott. Anyway, it would be really easy for you to beat me up, and you wouldn't feel a sense of accomplishment, so you probably shouldn't.)

(note to Mr. Scott: I don't really think you wasted my time. You had some good games for me. I was just trying to make Mr. Lewis feel better.)

9. San Diego Chargers- The dark blue is cool. The light blue throwbacks are cool. They've got a lightning bolt on their uniform, as if to say, "Don't fuck with us, we've got a lightning bolt on our uniform." TQ of +13.

8. Denver Broncos- So now we're in the top 8, which means these are the best of each division. The late-90's redesign totally helped this team's look. They would probably be higher if not for the Nike connection. Even in the all-whites this team looks good.

Still better than Oakland's

7. New York Giants- I just like the gray pants/blue tops look, okay! Shut up! I hate you!

Okay, I'm sorry. I was feeling defensive. This looks like an old-school uniform, which of course, is a look I like. I like the lower-case letters on the helmet too. It's just a nice look.

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- At least these pirates were finding pewter, which is closer to gold than silver. The dark tops with the dark pants is a menacing look, kind of like seeing a pirate ship emerge from the fog with it's cannons pointed at your simple, unarmed, immigrant-carrying ship. This uniform might do the most for any team as far as making players look scary (+23 TQ).

5. New York Jets- Like the Giants, the Jets went for the extra-mile seeking traditional look. And I like it. The green-heavy jersey with black shoes makes this team look like they should be playing on old, scratchy film.

4. Cleveland Browns- They're really hanging in there with the brown. I think it looks awesome. Well, with the brown tops that is. The white looks like shit.

3. Chicago Bears- You've probably noticed I'm a fan of tradition. Some uniforms need little upgrades (see Green Bay and Philadelphia). The Bears look pretty much the same as they did 50 years ago, and they're awesome. This is probably the jersey second most responsible for improving a player's studliness with a TQ of +22.

2. San Francisco 49ers- "By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work, but not before creating the 49ers uniform. And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested and watched the 49ers play in the beauty he had made (Gen 2:2-3. NIV)"

It's biblical, folks. My hands are tied.

Amen.

1. Indianapolis Colts- The most classy, clean, smart look in the NFL. Pretty anti-climactic, huh?

The Rise of the Hornets

by SonDog

As I said yesterday, NBA League Pass is the greatest invention since the automobile.

Despite the ridiculous yellow uniforms they often wear (which combines for a horrifying effect on your retinas when paired with Peja Stojakovic and his laser-hair removed skin), the Hornets have become one of the scariest teams in the Western Conference.

Wait... One more thing about the uniforms. In Phoenix the other night, New Orleans broke out the egg-yolk yellow jerseys against the Suns. I don't know if they were just trying to scare the fans, but the combination of the yellow, plus the Suns' orange, plus Steve Nash and Peja made for something out of a kindergartener's water-color painting. I've had binge-drinking purges that have had a better mix of colors. I have no factual evidence on this, but I believe that over 37 fans were struck down by seizures at US Airways arena. It was simply wrong, on so many levels.

Anyways, the most obvious reason for the Hornets' early-season success is the brilliance of point guard Chris Paul. As I've said before, I have never been so wrong about a player as I was about Paul. In other words, I was Billy King and the Atlanta Hawks. When Paul was at Wake Forest, I thought he was too much of a shoot-first point guard in the mold of Steve Francis or Stephon Marbury. In the NBA, Paul has rapidly become the undisputed floor leader and best player on one of the NBA's most exciting teams. Without question, Paul is one of my top-5 favorite NBA players to watch.

Chris Paul has been great. The uniforms... not so much.

Paul is the biggest reason for the Hornets' improvement this season. That being said, there are other factors that have contributed to the team's success as well. Primarily, NOK leads the NBA in offensive rebounding thanks to Tyson Chandler and his mutant-like wingspan. Chandler is fifth in the league in total rebounds per game (11.9 heading into Friday night), leads the league in rebounds per 48 minutes (18.8) and is second in offensive rebounds per game (4.3). Not to sound like John Hollinger here, but Chandler's efficiency when it comes to rebounding is fantastic. Surely, Hollinger has a statistic somewhere to show, mathematically, how important this is to the Hornets' winning ways.

As much as it pains me to say this, Peja has played a large role in the Hornets' success as well. He's playing with more energy than at any time since 2003. His shot looks confident and he's playing like the dead-eye marksman that he was just a couple of years ago. You can credit Paul here too as the two have formed a nice chemistry early this season. He's having a Vlade Divac-like effect on Peja's game. Basically, Peja looks like he's having fun again, and when Peja is on, he's deadly. Especially if it is the first quarter.

The Hornets' best pure scorer is probably David West. The Xavier product has been injured recently with a strained forearm, but he's deadly and clutch when he's on the floor. Desmond Mason (who shoots jumpers about as well as the fans who have the opportunity to win an SUV at halftime), Bobby Jackson, Jannero Pargo, rookie Cedric Simmons and Marc Jackson have all contributed as well.

It will be interesting to watch this team the rest of the year. If they can stay healthy (see: Stojakovic, Peja and Chandler, Tyson), they can be a force throughout the season.

More quality journalism from the worldwide leader

posted by BH

From ESPN.com (surprise!). It's about an incident that happened two months ago that no one outside of Norman thinks about. It is about nothing.

OKLAHOMA CITY -- The replay official for the Oklahoma-Oregon football game says he knew that Oklahoma recovered a pivotal onside kickoff late in the game.

Really? Then why didn't he make the right call?

But Gordon Riese told The Oklahoman that replay rules prevented him from correcting on-field officials who made the wrong call and awarded possession to Oregon, even though it was clear to Riese that Oklahoma's Allen Patrick had recovered the ball.

What? Isn't replay in place so that officals who make incorrect on-field calls can be corrected? This seems like sort of irresponsible reporting maybe. What rules, exactly?

Riese also said that if he had seen the correct angle of the replay, it would have been easy to reverse the result of the call and give possession to Oklahoma, which could have run out the clock. But that didn't happen, he said, and Oregon took advantage of the officiating blunder, scoring a last-minute touchdown to win 34-33.

That's weird, because I was watching the game, and saw replay after replay that showed conclusively that an Oregon player had touched the ball before it had reached the 45 yard line. Don't officals in the replay booth use replays provided by networks?

"This was the easiest call to make, if I'd gotten the [correct] replay," Riese said. "It would have been the right call. It would have been the correct call. The Oregon kid touched the ball at the 44-yard line."

If it was so easy, why didn't you make the right call? You did have the correct replay, by the way. It was the network replay the rest of us saw. I just told you that.

Riese said the only replay angle he saw on the play came from Oklahoma's end zone, which he said prevented him from making the correct call. But he did see something else.

Lie. The only camera in the stadium you had access to was in the Oklahoma endzone?

"I saw the ball laying on the ground, the Oklahoma kid picks up the ball with his knee on the ground," he said. "I knew it was Oklahoma ball."

Then give the ball to Oklahoma. I'm pretty sure you wanted to make sure you did the right thing.

But, Riese said, he chose to follow the rules of the replay system, which meant he couldn't tell the on-field Pacific-10 Conference officials of their error -- even though the referee asked him which team had recovered.

So rules state that a replay official is not allowed to correct errors on the field? I'm confused.

"I can't let it go," he said. "It's something we officials have just been schooled with -- to get the call right -- and I didn't do it that day."

Yeah, you're either a chicken shit or stupid. Either way, you blew it that day.

"I worry about the screwup we did in the Oklahoma game," he said. "It's inexcusable."

Except you're making excuses.

This piece is a combination of poor journalism and a crappy person trying to save his ass. What were the rules that completely contradicted replay rules the rest of us have heard of? He didn't have the guts to do the right thing at the time, but now he's blaming others for it. Did I mention this happened two months ago? It doesn't matter.

The Best Team in the West

by SonDog

Not to sound like Charles Barkley, but first of all, NBA League Pass is the best thing in the history of satellite television. It really is.

And first of all, it's taken a couple of weeks, but the Western Conference is starting to take shape.

But first of all, it's early, but Utah has a legitimate chance to make it to the Western Conference Finals this year.

Okay, enough Chuckster first of all's. Let's discuss the Utah Jazz. First of all, the Jazz roster reminds me of the Sacramento Kings in their heyday. This was reinforced by watching a few Jazz games this year (including a "wow, that a great blow job" win over a Phoenix team that choked and swallowed a couple of nights ago) and watching game 3 of the 2003 first-round playoff matchup (Malone vs. Webber/Stockton vs. Bibby) that I TiVo'd the other night (Hardwood Classics on NBATV).

The parallels are undeniable:
- Crafty outside shooting Center (Vlade Divac and Memo Okur)
- Injury-prone Power Forward that can take over a game (Chris Webber and Carlos Boozer)
- Injury-prone Small Forward that can change a game with his defense (Peja Stojakovic and AK47) (just kidding... but they are both European)
- Young, clutch Point Guard with big-time college experience who is trying to make a name for himself in the Association (Mike Bibby and Deron Williams)
- Do-it-all 2/3 shooter off the bench (Hedo Turkoglu and Gordon Giricek)
- Shoot-first backup point guard who can score in bunches (Bobby Jackson and Derek Fisher)
- Backup big man that does the dirty work (Scott Pollard and Paul Milsap)
- Bruising veteran reserve Small Forward who brings 6 fouls a night, along with a strong mid-range game (Jimmy Jackson and Matt Harpring)

As of now, they are the number 1 team in the league in scoring and rebounding differential. Deron Williams looks light-years ahead of where he was at this time last year, and Carlos Boozer looks healthy and energized after basically taking last year off. Couple Utah's young, impressionable, talented roster with the legend that is Jerry Sloan, and this team has an opportunity to make some noise in the playoffs.

Oh no

posted by BH

Worst. Halftime. Show. Ever.

Bad sound. Piped-in audience noise. John Fogerty singing old songs. United Way flags unfurling. The most anti-climactic fireworks usage ever. Guh. I like that they get fourteen people to stand right in front of the stage to act like it's a great show. It's even better when they show the fans in the stands, there to watch the game, doing nothing. CBS cameras found one lady rocking out in the stands, surrounded by nothing but bored people sitting on their hands.

Is there a special class in cameraman school in which students are taught to create the feeling chaos by zooming in and out real fast, shaking the camera, or tilting it at weird angles?

Wireless Kills!!

posted by BH

Uh-oh

It is the hi-tech tool that has revolutionised home and office alike - but a growing band of campaigners claim wi-fi is a major threat to health.

Crap.

Sufferers say the electro-magnetic waves emitted by wireless computer networks - wi-fi - leave them feeling exhausted, nauseous and sleepless.

Exercizing little and walking up stairs leave you feeling exhausted and nauseous. You're sleepless because you're paranoid.

Author Kate Figes, spent hundreds of pounds installing wireless internet in her Stoke Newington home, then found it made her so ill she had to scrap it.

She didn't find that it made her ill, she guessed, as you will discover later in the piece.

Ms Figes, 49, claims she is so sensitive to wi-fi's electro-magnetic waves she can instantly tell whether it is installed in a particular room.

She walks in to every room now, thinking people are going to have wi-fi or some kind of wireless device. If she says something and is right, there was probably already a 70% chance she was going to be right.

This comes days after campaigners called for parents to remove the system from their homes to prevent harming their children's health.

Campaigners? Like Ms. Figes?

Ms Figes said: "The day we installed wi-fi two years ago was the day I started to feel ill.

Really? That same day? You remember? Did you associate the two as being connected to each other right away?

At first I could not work out what the problem was.

Oh.

I had no idea why I felt so sick and run-down. But I knew that when I walked through the front door it felt like walking into a cloud of poison.

Real reason: you eat like shit and don't exercize. Also, your cat shits all over the house and you don't clean it up. That might account for the cloud of poison thing.

"Imagine being prodded all over your body by 1,000 fingers. That is what I felt when I walked into the house...

If it felt like 1,000 fingers were prodding me, I'd just lay on my couch all day getting stoned.

Then I started to think it might be the wi-fi, so we scrapped it - and I felt better."

You scrapped it? You started to think it was the wi-fi, so you looked back in time and realized that on the exact day that you had wi-fi installed at your house, you started feeling sick, thereby recognizing that there was direct causation?

She added: "Most people I've spoken [sic] are really dismissive...

because my idea is crazy?

but I don't think they've considered the long-term impact of this technology."

Dude. I'll totally trade not being sick for fast internet.

Long-term impact: nuts make loud noises for the long term.

The mother-of-two is just one of many people who contacted campaigning group ElectroSensitivityUK about their fears over the harmful effects of wi-fi.

One of many = seven

A spokesman for the group said: "We've been inundated by calls from people who know this is affecting them, but in many cases are wary of speaking out. The telecommunications companies pour scorn, but none of them has been able to prove wi-fi is safe."

None of you have been able to prove it's unsafe.

Inundated = one phone line + four calls per day

But Chris Guy, head of Reading University's School of Systems Engineering said: "The amount of power emitted by wi-fi devices is about a tenth of that given out by mobile phones. It is very, very unlikely that it is harmful because the power levels are so low. I just do not believe wi-fi is damaging people's health."

This Isn't News!!

posted by BH

The following comes from ESPN.com. Seriously, it does. And I didn't cut the story down or anything. This is the whole thing. I mean this is the full extent of the piece that popped up when I clicked on something that said "McNabb won't get a card from T.O." in the "ESPNEWS Headlines" section of the front page. Seriously. I'm not joking. Seriously. ESPN is now run by 14 year-old girls who like like to run across campus to tell one friend that the other friend was talking shit.

IRVING, Texas -- Terrell Owens has his own message for injured Donovan McNabb.

Don't expect one.

Owens was asked Tuesday whether he'd send a "get well" text message to McNabb, who tore his ACL on Sunday and is out for the season. McNabb claims to have sent similar sentiments to Owens after his reported suicide attempt/accidental overdose earlier this year.

Owens' answer: "Absolutely not."

Owens claims he never received the original message from McNabb, his former teammate in Philadelphia. The relationship between two [sic] dissolved when Owens was hurt and eventually left the Eagles after last season.

Holy shit. Holy. Shit. This has to be a joke. Who, in the name of God, is worried about whether or not T.O. got a text from McNabb? Who is the douchebag that asked the question?

Douchebag, in bed with his wife in the morning: "Honey, I'm going to go to work today, and I'm going to ask Terrell Owens if he's thinking about sending a text message to Donovan McNabb. Do you think I'm a man? Do you think I should be able to sleep tonight? Do you think our children are proud to say I'm there Dad?"

I like the part at the end about, "The relationship between (the) two dissolved when Owens was hurt and eventually left the Eagles after last season." Well done, Mr. Intern in Bristol writing this. You have fulfilled your contractual duty, which is to give readers, um, I guess, a semi-accurate, somewhat vague and ambiguous backstory, probably. I mean, that the facts surrounding what you wrote being wrong is cool...and stuff. Anyway...

sport (spôrt, sprt) n.

1. 1. Physical activity that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often engaged in competitively.
   2. A particular form of this activity.
2. An activity involving physical exertion and skill that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often undertaken competitively.

news (nz, nyz) pl.n. (used with a sing. verb)

1. 1. Information about recent events or happenings, especially as reported by newspapers, periodicals, radio, or television.
   2. A presentation of such information, as in a newspaper or on a newscast.

Okay, so I guess it sort of technically qualifies, as sports news. Maybe. Sport? Well, I guess that it involves two guys that play a sport at a high level? Sports news? Tenuous justification at best.

Does anyone else out there recognize that ESPN is killing sports in America?

At Least you look cool

posted by BH

Future owner of the Niners, Jed York.

This guy should be the new picture of The Boofy.

OK Champ, Why Don't You Just Stop Talking Now

by SonDog

By now, you've probably seen this Michael Richards (Aka, "Kramer" from Seinfeld) profanity laced tirade directed at a couple of black heckelers. Indeed, it was the ultimate, "Okay Champ, why don't you just stop talking for a while?" moment.

Richards tried to apologize on the Late Show with David Letterman last night, but frankly the apology made about as much sense as his racist comments just nights before. I mean, what in the hell does your tirade have to do with Hurricane Katrina. In other words, we have Mel Gibson Part II, as in "I'm not really a racist. I apologize." By the way, if you didn't see Family Guy on Sunday, you have to watch this Mel Gibson clip. A Michael Richards piece is sure to follow soon.

At any rate, I don't think I can be a fan of Richards anymore. I mean that sincerely. What came out of this guy's mouth was just inexcusable. It's equal parts shocking and appalling. I only wish a few of those fellas he was speaking about kicked his ass after the show. He deserves all of the bad press he is sure to receive.

Ok, I Admit It

by C-lo
I swore on everything holy that I would NEVER watch "Dancing with the Stars", but I have caved. Not only did I watch the final competition on Tuesday evening, I also voted 3 times for Mr. Emmitt Smith and partner. I guess it paid off as last night the 3-time Super Bowl Champion and once Super Bowl MVP Emmitt Smith was crowned "Dancing with the Stars" champion, complete with hidiously tacky disco ball trophy after defeating AC Slater, I mean, Mario Lopez. It truly was an amazing transformation. While I made fun of Emmitt for the past 12 weeks about taking part in this show, I now must respect the man for showing that he can still be a champion.

GET YOURS PLAYER!

Peja: Mr. Big Shot (according to Chris Paul)

by SonDog

-- If you got a chance to watch Peja Stojakovic rain three's from all over the building last night, you know it was a thing of beauty. Kings fans remember the days of Peja going unconscious for spells (not often enough, mind you), but last night was just insane. He scored the first 20 points of the game for Oklahoma City, was the undisputed leader of the team (for one night, mind you), and I found out that he still has a smoking hot wife.

Anways, it was just one game, and any Kings fan will tell you that Peja made it clear through his career that he's not capable of doing this on a nightly basis. That being said, the interview Chris Paul gave to the Charlotte Bobcats' sideline reporter after the game was priceless. It went something like this (loose paraphrase, but generally accurate).

Reporter: "Chris, you didn't score tonight (he actually had 2 points), but Peja really picked up the slack. What did you see?"

CP3: "Well, he was just draining shots. You know. He was hitting from everywhere." (Thanks for the keen observation.)

Reporter: "What else does Peja bring to the team, like in the lockerroom? What do fans not see?"

CP3: "I think just his confidence and composure. You know, Peja has been through and seen it all in the NBA, and he is a calming presence every night for us. He's just so clutch that he can step up and hit the big shot like it's nothing. He's done it his whole career."

Um, Chris? You might want to check the video archive. When exactly did you start watching Peja? I'm pretty sure you were still in high school when Peja famously airballed the game 7 trey against the Lakers, but I'm sure it's on tape somewhere. Do you not remember him shrinking away from any and all big shots in his years as a King?

By the way, did Peja and his arms/chest have a bad accident with a bottle of Nair? Have you seen this? It's both horrifying and comical. Kind of like Peja's game.

"The Worldwide Leader"

posted by BH

The following is from ESPN.com's frontpage, under a picture of Bob Knight.

If you've seen "the slap," you've no doubt drawn your own conclusions. As for Bob Knight's feelings about his actions Monday night? He's clear about two things: He wasn't wrong ... and he'd do it again.

Seriously, is anyone calling this thing "the slap," um...especially when it wasn't a slap? The website ran a poll all day asking, "If it involved a coach other than Bob Knight, would last night's incident have been a big deal?" 79% of respondents said "no." Clearly, no one, including the player, his parents, Texas Tech and the school's AD, and Knight think the moment was an issue, yet ESPN can't stop talking about it. Is the goal of the network to report and reflect the nation's sports interests, or create and shape them?

Wow, you're a douchebag

From an AP story following the 49ers 19-13 victory over the Lions this afternoon.

The Lions (2-7) had a chance to win consecutive games for the first time in nearly 26 months and the third time since 2001, when Matt Millen took control of the franchise. Despite the lack of success, some players were bold enough to talk about winning four in a row after beating Atlanta by 16 points last week.

"Yes, it is a setback," said wide receiver Roy Williams, who has confidently talked about putting together an extended winning streak. "I think we came out a little flat. I don't think we were into this ballgame.

"I don't know if it's because it was San Francisco, and not an Atlanta Falcons team."

Oh god you're dumb for so many reasons, not the least of which is that you totally just made it clear that you are a poor sport and a bad loser. If I'm your coach, you're getting a talking to about what a jackass moron you are. You play football to win, regardless of the opponent. Even if winning doesn't hold enough merit on its own, you get paid big bucks by the Detroit Lions to make sure you don't come out flat, no matter who the opponent might be.

Hope and Faith

posted by BH

I'm sure everybody's seen Faith Hill's shit fit by now, but it's still funny.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Two things become clear after watching this thing. 1) Faith had obviously been told before the envelope was opened that she was going to be the winner. She was too happy before and too pissed after to not have known the name in that envelope. 2) Her reaction was not a joke, as people like her publicist have suggested. If it were a joke, it would be a totally tasteless, classless thing to do, what with purposely attempting to take attention away from the winner and all.

Knee-Jerk Reaction: First Week

by SonDog

-- The TNT studio crew of Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, Charles Barkley and Magic Johnson is quite simply the best four-man studio crew in all of professional sports. They don't laugh constantly like a bunch of idiots (i.e. NFL studio hosts), babble incoherently (i.e., Steven A. Smith in the ESPN studio), sound like drunk old men (i.e. Lou Holtz) or change their hair styles every week (i.e. Jeanie Zelasko and Kevin Kennedy in the FOX baseball studio).

You know what else is great about that crew? Based on no factual data whatsoever, it is the first and only fully bald crew. There is not one hair follicle on any of those domes. And I dig that. Why? Because I'm bald. And bald is beautiful.

Think about this too: Ernie Johnson is tremendous, all while battling cancer. Magic Johnson is tremendous, all while... well, you know. Why does this matter? Because it means that they can do a better job WHILE battling life-threatening illness than anybody else can do in full health. And I'm pretty sure that's my train-whistle blowing, ready to take me straight to hell.

-- Amare Stoudemire needs some confidence. He just doesn't look ready. He also needs a steak. That dude has lost way too much weight. Seriously, he's three more bullemic episodes away from joining Kevin Martin, Quincy Douby and Francisco Garcia on the Kenyan Marathon squad.

-- Chris Paul is about a year away from becoming the best point guard in the NBA. All he needs is more experience.

-- The Bulls are a trendy pick for the Eastern Conference Finals. But, where is Chicago's offense going to come from if they can't hit jumpers? Ben Wallace, PJ Brown and Tyrus Thomas make a formidible front-line, but they couldn't hit water if they were swimming in it. If that doesn't make sense, then it should make perfect sense to the point I'm trying to make.

-- Carmelo Anthony is primed for a huge year. He's going to come close to 30 points a night. He's not in the same all-around class as LeBron and DWade, but Melo is going to make The Leap this year to Superduperstar.

-- This "no arguing"nonsense is a little out of control. I hope the officials are just trying to make a point, because the leagues fans will not put up with having stars like Mike Bibby and Carmelo Anthony getting ejected on a nightly basis.