9-year-old kid recruited by Man Utd; Parents everywhere dream of early retirement

I just had a seizure upon learning the news that a 9-year-old from Australia was recruited by Manchester United. Man U went after the little tike after seeing his video on youtube. No contract has been offered at this time, but groupies throughout London are putting on their best push-up bras, shortest skirts, and lining up to... tell him that the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist?

And we thought Freddy Adu was young.

"Manchester United is proud of its history of developing talented young players, and invests considerable time and resources into trying to find the best young players of the future," the club said in a statement.

The club went on to say, "Sure, he's light years away from puberty, emotional maturity, acne, thinking girls have something other than cooties, enjoying a pint at a pub, understanding what the term "work ethic" means, understanding that monopoly money can't buy stuff in the real world, understanding that he can't really be Batman when he grows up, being able to say the word 'bollocks,' understanding the teamwork concept, or even wiping his own ass... but we think this kid has a chance to be something special."