Christmas songs?

As I feel inclined, I'm going to modernize some Christmas songs. Why? Ahunnuh. But I'm telling you now. One will be unable to sing to my version.

Hark the Herald Angels Sing (traditional)

Hark the herald angels sing

"Glory to the newborn King!

Peace on earth and mercy mild

God and sinners reconciled"

Joyful, all ye nations rise

Join the triumph of the skies

With the angelic host proclaim:

"Christ is born in Bethlehem"

Hark! The herald angels sing

"Glory to the newborn King!"

Christ by highest heav'n adored

Christ the everlasting Lord!

Late in time behold Him come

Offspring of a Virgin's womb

Veiled in flesh the Godhead see

Hail the incarnate Deity

Pleased as man with man to dwell

Jesus, our Emmanuel

Hark! The herald angels sing

"Glory to the newborn King!"

Hail the heav'n-born Prince of Peace!

Hail the Son of Righteousness!

Light and life to all He bringsRis'n with healing in His wings

Mild He lays His glory by

Born that man no more may die

Born to raise the sons of earth

Born to give them second birth

Hark! The herald angels sing

"Glory to the newborn King!"

Hark the Herald Angels Sing (BH version)

Listen up, people! The angels with good sources are telling us something!

"Give some praise to the Son of God

because not only is He going to help us here

but God's not going to make you sacrifice animals anymore!"

Everyone should be happy

and join the party that's going on in Heaven right now

Didn't you hear that angel? Sing with it!

"Jesus was totally just born in Bethelhem!"

Listen up people! The angels with good sources are telling us something!

"Give some priase to the Son of God!"

God really likes Jesus

So much so, that Jesus is actually God!

It's been awhile that you've been on Earth

But Jesus finally came from a woman who hadn't had sex

He's really God in a man's body

And he's here on Earth, so make sure you worship him

He's really happy to be a man

His name even means "God with us!"

Listen up people! The angels with good sources are telling us something!

"Give some praise to the Son of God!"

Jesus comes from Heaven, since He's God!

This guy is as good as you can get; no sinning here

He's sharing the story of Heaven, so listen!

He's come with the purpose of delivering you

Given up being God in Heaven to be here as a man

He's come here so you can be with Him in Heaven

He's come here so you don't just lay in the ground forever

He's come here so you can live again in eternity

Listen up people! The angels with good sources are telling us something!

"Give some praise to the Son of God!"

Patrck Willis

Holy shit is this guy fast. Running down Sean Morey in overtime made for one of the most exciting plays of the year, and helped save the game for the Niners. 17 tackles, 1 sack. He's already one of the best linebackers in the game.

I don't have a video of the hit, but here's a sample. And here.

Stupid shit people say

Torii Hunter has signed with the Angels for $90 million over 5 years. Too bad for us Giants fans hoping for an impact player not associated with HGH or steroids in this year's free agent crop. Evidently, Hunter thought it was a bigger deal than the rest of us, saying "They shocked me. I didn't think they needed a center fielder. They shocked the world."

Yeah. That guy in India who can't feed his kid gives a shit.

I'm thankful...

That Thanksgiving football only comes once a year. That's a mistake. I love the football. I don't love the bullshit that accompanies the games. The Goo Goo Dolls playing some mellow horseshit while some United Way Banner is unfurled? Carrie Underwood and the Salvation Army? Or was it Kelly Clarkson? Who gives a shit.

Can we please just do away with the halftime show in football? The lights stay on. The sound is inevitably horrible. The acts are inevitably shitty. And if the performer happens to be the slightest bit acceptable, the whole clusterfuck of it being a halftime show makes them appear lame. I mean really, what is the organizer of these events trying to pull off? Does he or she think to themselves, "This is going to be the year when the halftime show really works." "I know, this year we're going to put 500 people in front of the stage so it looks more concertish." I bet. And it never works. Well, not never. I think Disney did a Super Bowl halftime show a few years ago that was pretty good, and U2 after September 11th was, even to the most hardened Bono hater, great. That said, who thought up the Goo Goo Dolls for Thanksgiving? Who thought up Prince last year? Guh. Prince Goo? Somebody call Toto! David fucking Cassidy wasn't available? The halftime show lameifies the whole football experience. I guess that's the point really. As MHR has professed on occasion, holiday and playoff sports are not about sports. The are not presented for the sports fan. They are produced and marketed for moms making turkey in the kitchen. They are directed at people who don't usually tune in. Don't take an extra fifteen minutes so Goo can goo all over the stage! Get back to playing the fucking game!

And back to sports...

The Niners stink. I only really watched the first half of last night's game against Seattle, partly because I had to put the kid to bed and partly because I couldn't watch the horseshit happening on the field. Some observations:

-Jeff Hostler is really having a tough time. After inheriting an improving group from Norv Turner, Hostler has the Niners' offense looking worse than if Dennis Erickson were running the show. Hopefully, if he keeps his job, another season in the same system will help Alex Smith, Frank Gore, and the suddenly crappy o-line.

-The defense was supposed to be San Fran's strength, yet again and again Seattle, and really any receivers the Niners face, are open on 15-yard out-routes. Seriously, if Niner defenders were to simply stay in one spot after each snap, the opponent offensive players would be less open.

-There is nothing more obnoxious in the NFL than the first-down point. What's next? What the fuck is next?! What is next to be celebrated in the NFL? Getting off the bench? DJ Hackett had me ready to blow my brains out last night. Get up, hand the ball to the nearest official, and head back to the huddle. YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT!!!

-In the first half the officials did the Niners no favors. The first play of the game should have resulted in a pass interference penalty against Seattle. The reversal of an incomplete pass to a Seattle receiver should never had happened. There was nothing worthy of a reversal. Fuck. If the guys in the booth as well as everyone at home can't tell, what the fuck are you seeing captain white hat shithead that gives you reason to overturn a play? Nate Clements was called for illegal conact when the contact was intitiated by the Seattle receiver. Hey officials! Watch the fucking game!!! Matt Hasselbeck was not called for grounding after, while in the pocket, throwing a ball at the feet of his linemen. And on and on. Guh. The Niners didn't lose because of the officiating, but come on. It was bad.

-God, Stuart Scott is awful. I feel so bad for anyone he interviews. Like last night it was Jeff Gordon and Jimmy Johnson at halftime. Every Scott interview I've ever seen ends up feeling like nothing more than some orchestrated glorification. Whether it's pounding the fist with Shaq or exhuberantly sharing the love of teammates Gordon and Johnson, it's just lovey-dovey softball after softball. If I didn't hate the guy so much, I'd be embarrassed for him. I can't take ESPN seriously. I used to think it was a news organization, but that's wrong.

$25,000 dessert?

Edible gold?

Chron posting

For a good laugh, read some of the posts about the Bay oil spill.

Here...

and here.

People are really smart, smart, not smart, dumb, or fucking retarded.

Sweeps Week

I heard a good question asked of a guest on Fresh Air this morning. Terry Gross asked Percy Carey something along the lines of, if you were a television program director, and you could put on the air any show from any time period, what would your lineup look like? The question was asked because of Carey's confession that he's always wanted to be a program director. His answer consisted of documentaries, The Weather Channel and others.

My own list does not necessarily consist of the best or most popular shows in history. I think I will look at it as though each series were new, or currently on the air. Not in rerun form, but as though the show was in it's prime. And it's not in any order. So, you know...

Seinfeld- fucking duh. The last great, relevant situational comedy.

South Park- it's funny. Really funny.

Magnum, P.I.- light-hearted crime-drama about a Vietnam War vet who now lives rent-free on a romance author's beachfront Hawaiian estate, driving the author's Ferrari. This is every guy's dream. Except for the Vietnam flashbacks.

Ken Burns' Baseball- not really the best documentary, even in the Burns library, but it will change your life.

Bull Durham- right after the final installment of Baseball.

The Simpsons- fucking duh again. I wouldn't show anything after the eighth season though.

The Muppet Show

World News Tonight with Peter Jennings

Old Loony Toons- frying pan to the face. I can't find it anywhere these days, which makes me sad for my kid.

MTV Movie Awards- I wouldn't broadcast the actual award portions, just some of the movie parodies. My favorites are a "Seven" spoof with William Shatner and a "Lord of the Rings" with Jack Black. Speaking of William Shatner...

The 1978 Science-Fiction Film Awards- specifically, host Shatner's spoken-word rendition of "Rocket Man." This would be playing all the time. It's so bad, it's amazing. This might be the best moment in television history.

Freaks and Geeks- it didn't last long at all, but it was funny and didn't have a laugh track, which is probably why people weren't ready. Way ahead of it's time.

CSPAN Highlights- I mean, they'd have to run late, but some commitee hearings are awesome to watch. Especially House hearings, since there tends to be less grandstanding.

Sledgehammer- I don't think it's held up well, but that's not the point.

Sports games without play-by-play or color- my disdain for the Bucks and McCarvers of the world is well documented. Though I'd watch any game with Kruk and Kuip calling it.

SpongeBob Squarepants- especially the F.U.N. episode. That would be on a lot.

M.A.S.H.- yeah, that was a pretty good show.

The Wonder Years- Fuck yeah the Wonder Years! Dude, I thought I was Kevin Arnold. My brother probably thought I was more Wayne than Kevin. I even did that thing where as he was trying to get in the car one time, I would scoot the car forward a little. Then back up. Then scoot forward again. I guess I was more Wayne. What a dick.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Arrested Development- I almost went trick-or-treating with the kid this year as Tobias as a hopeful for the Blue Man Group.

Heat Vision and Jack- there is only one episode. You can find it on youtube. Owen Wilson as Jack Black's talking motorcycle ex-roommate trying to fight Ron Silver, who plays...Ron Silver. Goddammit it's funny.

Sigh

Come on Sabes.

"I don't even know that they know what their expectations are," Sabean said of A-Rod and agent Scott Boras. "You have to do due diligence. I think that's the best way to put it: kick the tires on anything, including him. In baseball, almost anything is possible. How probable something like that would be would be a reach for me for the reasons you said. It can literally hamstring what you want to do for quite a while."

Dude, what the fuck does that mean? Of course I know what he's saying, but come on.

It can literally hamstring what you want to do for a while.

I can't get this visual out of my head in which A-Rod is tied to the back of Sabean's leg for an extended period of time.