Sweeps Week

I heard a good question asked of a guest on Fresh Air this morning. Terry Gross asked Percy Carey something along the lines of, if you were a television program director, and you could put on the air any show from any time period, what would your lineup look like? The question was asked because of Carey's confession that he's always wanted to be a program director. His answer consisted of documentaries, The Weather Channel and others.

My own list does not necessarily consist of the best or most popular shows in history. I think I will look at it as though each series were new, or currently on the air. Not in rerun form, but as though the show was in it's prime. And it's not in any order. So, you know...

Seinfeld- fucking duh. The last great, relevant situational comedy.

South Park- it's funny. Really funny.

Magnum, P.I.- light-hearted crime-drama about a Vietnam War vet who now lives rent-free on a romance author's beachfront Hawaiian estate, driving the author's Ferrari. This is every guy's dream. Except for the Vietnam flashbacks.

Ken Burns' Baseball- not really the best documentary, even in the Burns library, but it will change your life.

Bull Durham- right after the final installment of Baseball.

The Simpsons- fucking duh again. I wouldn't show anything after the eighth season though.

The Muppet Show

World News Tonight with Peter Jennings

Old Loony Toons- frying pan to the face. I can't find it anywhere these days, which makes me sad for my kid.

MTV Movie Awards- I wouldn't broadcast the actual award portions, just some of the movie parodies. My favorites are a "Seven" spoof with William Shatner and a "Lord of the Rings" with Jack Black. Speaking of William Shatner...

The 1978 Science-Fiction Film Awards- specifically, host Shatner's spoken-word rendition of "Rocket Man." This would be playing all the time. It's so bad, it's amazing. This might be the best moment in television history.

Freaks and Geeks- it didn't last long at all, but it was funny and didn't have a laugh track, which is probably why people weren't ready. Way ahead of it's time.

CSPAN Highlights- I mean, they'd have to run late, but some commitee hearings are awesome to watch. Especially House hearings, since there tends to be less grandstanding.

Sledgehammer- I don't think it's held up well, but that's not the point.

Sports games without play-by-play or color- my disdain for the Bucks and McCarvers of the world is well documented. Though I'd watch any game with Kruk and Kuip calling it.

SpongeBob Squarepants- especially the F.U.N. episode. That would be on a lot.

M.A.S.H.- yeah, that was a pretty good show.

The Wonder Years- Fuck yeah the Wonder Years! Dude, I thought I was Kevin Arnold. My brother probably thought I was more Wayne than Kevin. I even did that thing where as he was trying to get in the car one time, I would scoot the car forward a little. Then back up. Then scoot forward again. I guess I was more Wayne. What a dick.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Arrested Development- I almost went trick-or-treating with the kid this year as Tobias as a hopeful for the Blue Man Group.

Heat Vision and Jack- there is only one episode. You can find it on youtube. Owen Wilson as Jack Black's talking motorcycle ex-roommate trying to fight Ron Silver, who plays...Ron Silver. Goddammit it's funny.