Worst. Intro. Ever.

posted by BH

I just saw the intro for Monday Night Football for the first time this season. Holy shit. I can't beleive how horrible the thing is. Worse than the ill-conceived idea that normal existence is miraculously turned into a football game is that the whole thing is a GMC commercial. You know what would make an awesome intro? One helmet dropping onto the screen, with Frank Gifford narrating something about one of the teams. That would be neat.

Mike Nolan Would be Great in the White House

by SonDog

Niner coach Mike Nolan is starting to scare me a bit. His team is coming off its third blowout loss of this young season and doesn't appear to be heading in any discernable direction. I'm fine with that, because it's about what I expected. However, what I'm not fine with are the quotes attributed to Nolan and Eric Johnson after yesterdays humiliating loss to the Chicago Bears. Here's what I'm referring to (courtesy San Francisco Chronicle):

Nolan: "I'm going to stay the course and work to get it done. I know the issues we have. I'm not going to quit on anybody. They're not going to lose me. They don't have a choice."

Johnson: "As he says, 'Stay the course,' " tight end Eric Johnson said. "That can get kind of old. But we have to. We have no other choice."

As was said in the article, "'Stay the course' could be perceived as a chilling statement for the 49ers in light of the futility shown by the club of late."

The whole "Stay the Course" nonsense is bothering me this morning. It's not only that we've heard that same saying for years regarding Iraq (although President Bushie did make a point recently to say he will stop saying the useless cliche with regards to the war), but now I have to hear Coach Hitler talk about Staying the Course with regards to a team that is 6-17 under his helm? C'mon. That's just stupid. Why stay the course on something that is failing miserably?

Nolan, if you're going to borrow buzz-phrases, make sure they are not from our current presidential administration. If I hear him refer to his defense as a group of left-wing liberals, I just may be forced to cut my ears off with a dull butter knife.

Football Quote of the Week

If you can't read that, it reads:
Virginia's Marquis Weeks caps off his 100-yard kickoff return for the touchdown. "That was just instinct. Kind of like running from the cops," said the senior tailback.

McCarver update

posted by BH

A half inning after Ivan Rodriguez had tagged up on a fly hit to Jim Edmonds, advancing from first to second, Tim McCarver used a close-up of Edmonds to show him telling tonight's right fielder, Chris Duncan, to let him know when a guy is tagging from first. McCarver described the play as being caused by Duncan's inexperience. Now, there are three things wrong here. 1) McCarver doesn't know what the hell Edmonds said to Duncan. 2) If Edmonds was really telling Duncan to let him know that Pudge was tagging, he's a bigger buttfuck, buck-passing douchebag than I thought he was. 3) Inexperience, Tim? Duncan is 25 years old. My guess is he started playing ball when he was 6. 25-6=19. Your answer is that Duncan hasn't had enough experience to know what to do on an extremely routine play? YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON!!!

The Insanity of an Insane Man

by SonDog

This article is a few days old, but if you have any interest in horror stories... er, I mean, what Ron Artest brings to the Kings, it's a must read.

Here's my favorite part of the article:
"You can learn a lot about a fella by the way he deals with stress.

Me? I suck down a smoke -- and then cut and run. Not Ron Artest. No, when Ron's number is called, the Sacramento Kings forward goes to the hole. Literally.

"It happens whenever I get nervous," Artest admits.

This is a peculiar yet telling statement."

This, my friends, is a peculiar, yet telling statement.

Peculiar indeed. In fact, it's so peculiar that I don't have a fucking clue on what it is supposed to mean. What literal hole is this numbnuts talking about?

Mind of Kings Fans

by SonDog

The following is the first 2006/2007 NBA season email exchange between OZ and I, two die-hard Sacramento Kings fans. Some of you may remember the Mind of Kings Fans series from last season, which was turbulent to say the least. As the 2006/2007 season begins, the Sacramento situation is not exactly as calm as a Hindu cow. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

SonDog: So, multiple choice:

Eric Mussleman: 1) Silly drunkard? 2) Very bad luck? 3) As insane as Ron Artest?

OZ: He's a long way away from #3. Here's some things said during the exchange between Muss and the officer:

- "Adleman was the old coach. I'm the new coach, I swear!"

- "Yes I'm over 21."

- Ring....ring..."Uh, Geoff, can you come bail me out?"

- "I know my license says Oakland. I'm renting here."

- "I know some guys that get you a deal on a room in Vegas if you let me off."

SonDog: You forgot a couple:

- "Yes, that is my booster seat."

- "Don't let this effect your opinion on the arena vote, okay?"

- "Wait, you mean you were going to vote NO before this incident?"

- (Slurring) "Dude, you totally look like somebody I knew in high school. I love you man."

I thought it was interesting that the entire team stood on the podium with him. They all stand at least a foot higher than he, so it was not only interesting, but also comical.

OZ: The guy must be impressive in person because he had the same type of loyalty from his players in GS, just not from the front office.

Speaking of GS and drunks, what's the irony factor of a former Mullin employee picking up a DUI?

SonDog: I think Mullin's final interview question is, "So, how fast can you take down three beers in a beer bong?... Really?... Prove it."

Back to Sac, I like what I see from John Salmons. Granted, I think they waaaay overpaid for him, but he provides a nice spark off the bench with quality defense. Plus I think he's excited because he can actually shoot the basketball now that he's out of Philly.

OZ: Bibby's first pass to him hit him on the back of the head because he assumed it was a shot. Poor guy.

Since I brought up Bibby, supposedly Muss got all over him about his defense and he's actually been staying in front of people during practice. KM said it was the best defense he's ever seen Bibby play by far. I guess we can't call him the Matador anymore. Ole!

SonDog: That, and when Salmons saw Kenny Thomas move - anywhere - he said, "Jesus, I thought power forwards just stood at the elbow and shot jumpers?"

Well, now Bibby is the Mini-Matador. He lost 15 pounds in the off-season and he looks much quicker. That being said, I watched the Phoenix/Sac pre-season game last week and Nash still made Bibby look like a fencepost.

Francisco Garcia looks good, although I heard that Garcia, Kevin Martin, Quincy Douby and Loren Woods formed the "People's United Front for Tall People with Anorexic-Looking Bodies." When Petrie told them to "hit the gym" in the off-season, he didn't mean "run on the treadmill everyday until your muscle tissue cannibalizes itself and all you have left is bone-on-organ."

OZ: If Martin was as slow as your wit, I would have a problem with his lack of substance. But since he's the quickest guy on the court 3 out of 4 nights, he can build up or slim down however he feels necessary.

Garcia's not quite as quick, but he's no Chris Webber either. or Peja. or Vlade. See a trend? You've been griping about lack of athleticism for 8 years and now you're going to gripe about build? They're just fine the way they are.

SonDog: They're fine if they were playing for the Zambian National Team. I'm not griping about it. I just think it's comical. It will be interesting to see if they can stay health though. Garcia and Martin both are prone to miss significant time. Douby won't get hurt, but that's because he won't play. Woods is as good as cut already.

So, from what I can tell, the rotation looks like this:

Bibby
Martin
93
KT
Miller

SAR
Salmons
Garcia
Price
Taylor

Douby
Fart

OZ: With Bibby missing the first two weeks, I think Price is going to get his shot at backup point. I like the bench though, and I won't be remotely surprised to see SAR start.

SonDog: What? Bibby?

WHAT???

OZ: Apparently the defense was more than he could bear.

SonDog: Are you serious? Is he out? Did he get a DUI or something?

-- The following takes place this morning --

OZ: If by DUI you mean he's Defensively Utterly Incapable, yes. Aha.

SonDog: Now that was just stupid. No other way to put it.

I read about it this morning. You know what sucks more than anything? I have to watch Jason Fart play for two weeks. That's more discouraging than anything else.

OZ: I'm hoping Muss will experiment with KM at the point and Garcia playing the 2. I liked the defensive effort they were able to put on the ball even before mid-court with that squad last year. Their speed allows them to pressure very early and still get back to double on the low post if needed.

SonDog: Are you insane? Do you even watch basketball? Garcia can play the backup point and Martin plays the 2. Martin handles the rock as comfortably as a nudist at a ski resort.

And with that, I'm officially out of analogies.

Baseball for Dummies

posted by BH

I don't know why, but Fox is clearly not interested in appealing to baseball fans when televising a game. They've decided that they are interested in attracting the little leaguer who's just learning about the game, and the little leaguer's 43 year-old dumbass SUV-mom. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT DAVID ECKSTEIN'S NICKNAME!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT KENNY ROGERS' FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW, AND I GET THAT HE HAS THE SAME NAME AS THE SINGER!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! When the hell did a Fox baseball broadcast turn in to Sports Illustrated for Kids? Do I really need a super slow motion shot of every single Rogers reaction to anything? Is Rogers the only guy playing for the Tigers as the game wears on, because that's all the Fox cameras were interested in showing. We know. He's pitching well. Do I really want to hear Tony LaRussa give non-answer after non-answer in the dugout between innings? What the hell do you think he wants to talk about, Joe Buck?! Pine tar on Rogers' hand?! Do I really need to be reminded 5, 438 times each game that Fox is involved in the broadcast and has lots of fun shows on after the series? Yeah, I get it. Prison Break is going to be back on soon. Woo! Thanks for showing me the obligatory star-in-the-stands shot. Oh...you say you've got the marine from "Fox's American Idol" singing "God Bless America," mister PA announcer? Really, each between-innings toilet flush is courtesy of Rupert Murdoch? Damn. Did Jesus come come to Earth, fill the body of Craig Monroe, and hit a home run in the first inning? You'd think so the way the camera's followed his every move throughout the rest of the inning. Hey Craig! You got pretty excited about that first inning, solo shot. Way to act like the game wasn't over yet. And the way you walked around the dugout acting as though you'd figured out Jeff Weaver was awesome. It was even more awesome when you struck out in your next at-bat. The douchebags calling the game were (cough) great, though it seems as though Tim McCarver has tuned down his act this year. Still, the duo of McCarver and Buck, with the fun inclusion of Ken Rosenthal, gives viewers some fun analysis.

Following a five pitch walk and a hit batter by Cards pitcher Josh Kinney, McCarver says,
Kinney is all over the place tonight.
Thanks. Way to pay attention.

After Ivan Rodriguez has grounded into a double play, McCarver says,
As a catcher, you don't mind that when you're catching a one-hitter.

Rosenthal broke into coverage in the 7th or 8th to tell viewers about Rogers' taking infield before the game, long before the rest of his teammates were on the field. Good job, Ken. That's what players do to get better. You are now the Jimmy Roberts of Fox baseball coverage, providing meaningless "insight." All you need now is a set with a fireplace and the soundtrack to "Chariots of Fire." I get it. Rogers is God and his penis shoots out angels. Grrrrrrrrr.

Hey, McCarver, the 18th century called...

posted by BH

I had planned on posting throughout game 1 of the WS, but it seems as though Blogger was down for a while last night.

I just wanted to point out that Tim McCarver referred to "electric stuff" as a "relatively new term used to describe a pitcher's movement."

Little Hitler and Coach Musslehead

by SonDog

--Thanks to Kevan Barlow for that title. His famous quote regarding 49ers coach Mike Nolan will stick for years. For a fantastic breakdown of Nolan's influence over the Niner organization, check out this story in the SF Chronicle. Of particular note is the player movement chart at the end of the article. The funny thing about the article is that it makes you understand why Barlow made his comment. It sounds like people have to report to Nolan before they can be allowed to take a piss. How Nolan was able to talk John York into giving the rookie coach so much power is beyond all comprehension. One thing is for sure... when Nolan's first book comes out (and you know its coming), I'm going to pick up a copy and use his techniques when negotiating my next job. The title of the book must be, Little Hitler.

--Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I think Coach Musslehead got his DUI on purpose, just so he could relate to Ron Artest to a greater degree. Or maybe Muss is just an idiot. Remarkably, the Sacramento Bee was tame in its take on the Mussleman DUI. Essentially, the columnists are advocates for a second chance. While I agree with that, it surprises me that the Bee, in all it's glory, is not laying down the thunder on Mussleman. If this were Rick Adelman? Ailene Voison would be advocating the electric chair. Chris Webber? Death by firing squad. I'm interested in reading what Marty McNeal has to say tomorrow. Surely the race card will be played.

Hilarious

posted by BH

Yesterday, following Tiki Barber's disclosure that he may retire at the end of the season, ESPN, having run the story for at least 60% of the half-hour ESPN news broadcast, posed the question on their website, "Who is the most underrated active running back in the NFL?" Now remember, they had just finished going nuts over a story about how Barber was thinking about retirement. I can't remember one of the three choices, but the other two were Curtis Martin, who last year had a shitball season, but the year before was being talked about as an MVP candidate after rushing for almost 1700 yards. The other guy was Barber...the player ESPN had just focused on for 60% of their broadcast and who's story tops ESPN.com's headlines...the player who was being talked about as an MVP candidate last year. Stoo. Pid. You can't pretend there isn't an east coast bias when by pretending you don't talk about New York sports.

A BH and Phil Blog

posted by BH

Okay, it's not really a blog as much as it is a place where my buddy Phil and I put down a script of some sort. I don't know what blog qualifications are anymore.

We decided a while ago that we had been having some pretty funny conversations, and thought it would be interesting to set our sights on putting a movie script together. Nothing big. No expectations. Mostly we liked the idea of the challenge surrounding shaping our funny dialogues into a larger, coherent story. At this point it's just some random stuff that really has no place in a timeline. Just things that are happening to two guys (Brian and Paul), that seem to closely resemble things that occur between Phil and I. Anyway, check it out. The site is http://tacosgirlsspaceshipfight.com

More Steve Lyons Stuff

posted by BH

Breaking News!!! Steve Lyons has issued an apology!!!

"If I offended anybody, I'm truly sorry," Lyons said in a phone interview. "But my comment about Lou taking my wallet was a joke and in no way racially motivated."

Oh. Wait. No, he didn't issue an apology. This thing he said, which started with an "if," then continued with a "but," is pretty ridiculous. Let's rewrite this, saying what Lyons really means with this statement:

Hey. I said this thing the other day about Lou stealing my wallet and maybe you got mad because you thought I was saying Mexicans are thieves. You know what though? It's really your problem. I'm truly sorry that it's your problem. The thing is, issuing this meaningless apology riddled with qualifications will work for some people.

Lyons doesn't get that he was fired for that whole "Hablaing Espanol" thing? He doesn't get that it demonstrated a clear lack of appreciation/sensitivity for another culture's language, and showed his hang-ups about any culture in which Spanish is the primary language by saying, "I don't understand him, and I don't want to sit to close to him now?"

While I'm not too worried about the racial motivation of what he said, I'm pretty sure he should have been fired for thinking what he said in any way qualified as a joke. Now, had he said something like, "I can't understand what he's saying, so I'm going to pretend I'm standing next to Steven Hawking," well, then...um...it still wouldn't have been funny, but at least I could have given him a C for the effort.

1/4 of the Way There

posted by BH

Steve Lyons was fired by FOX following game 3 of the ALCS.

In the second inning of Friday's game between Detroit and Oakland, Piniella talked about the success light-hitting A's infielder Marco Scutaro had in the first round of the playoffs. Piniella said that slugger Frank Thomas and Eric Chavez needed to contribute, comparing Scutaro's production to finding a "wallet on Friday" and hoping it happened again the next week.

Later, Piniella said the A's needed Thomas to get "en fuego" - hot in Spanish - because he was currently "frio" - or cold. After Brennaman praised Piniella for being bilingual, Lyons spoke up.

Lyons said that Piniella was "hablaing Espanol" - butchering the conjugation for the word "to speak" - and added, "I still can't find my wallet."

"I don't understand him, and I don't want to sit too close to him now," Lyons continued.

This was not a first-time offense for Lyons, nicknamed "Psycho" during his nine-year big league career as a utilityman that ended in 1993 with the Boston Red Sox.

Hired when Fox began broadcasting baseball in 1996, Lyons was suspended without pay in late September 2004 after his remarks about Shawn Green of the Los Angeles Dodgers. Green is Jewish and elected not to play one of the two games at San Francisco that took place during the Yom Kippur holiday.

The quote went something like: "He probably did it more for the heritage and not the religion. He's not a practicing Jew. He didn't marry a Jewish girl. And from what I understand, he never had a bar mitzvah, which is unfortunate because he didn't get the money," which isn't funny. I mean because it's stupid, not because it's insensitive.

Earlier in the playoffs, while working the Mets-Dodgers NLDS, Lyons unwittingly made fun of a nearly blind fan who was wearing special glasses to see the game.

"He's got a digital camera stuck to his face," Lyons said.

Seriously? They couldn't have fired him like five days in to his contract for knowing jack shit about baseball? The guy that always talked about Robb Nen's devastating splitter (even though Nen never threw a splitter)? Every time I heard this douchebag, I was amazed at how little actual baseball knowledge this guy had. The thing is, FOX tried to sell Lyons like he was a funny guy, but he was only funny in the way a 13 year-old would be to his friends. Well...whatever. I can't watch the playoffs because the the jumblefuck that is Brennemanellabuckarver (formerly Brennelyonellabuckcarver) anyway. To hear Brenneman and Lyons tell it during game 1 of the ALCS, the A's were the worst team to ever reach that point in the playoffs. They spent a good deal of time tearing the A's apart for attempting few stolen bases during the regular season, yet chalked up not running against Ivan Rodriguez to respect. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. By the 5th inning, Pinella sounds like he's two Lunesta's and three shots in, but at least he'll be done with this at the end of the year. On the other side, Joe Buck sounds like he's trying to talk with his chin touching his collar-bone, and Tim McCarver treats a postseason baseball game like it's a Mensa for retards word-play fest. Jesus, why isn't FOX interested in producing a baseball game as though baseball fans wanted to watch? We've only got three more to get rid of before true baseball fandom will rule the Earth.

Sports Gal is Back

by C-lo

First of all, let's all thank DELL for providing me with a new laptop that allows me to write ramblings from my biscuit (that's my bed for those not from the south). Yes, the only female contributor to Mile High Ramblings is back and ready for action.

Football season is really the only time where I can contribute because I could honestly care less about the NBA, NHL and MLB. For all intensive purposes, I'm a college fan through and through but enjoy the NFL enough to spend 1/2 of my work day on ESPN Page 2 reading and analyzing Bill Simmon's take on the league and the weekend's match-ups. Thanks for getting me hooked on that one Sondog.

So, as the Sports Guy's wife gets to chime in as the Sports Gal, as will I. Read it or don't, but here it is.

We'll start with college football...not too many match-ups that I care about this week but these are the ones I'll be keeping a close eye on.

OHIO ST/MICH ST: Oh, what do I really care? OSU isn't going to get beaten by the Spartans or anyone else on their remaining schedule so why even worry. OSU will go into the BCS #1...it is the #2 that will remain a toss-up for the remainder of the season.

FLORIDA/AUBURN: What I believe to be the most important game of the day...the only 2 ranked teams to compete against each other this weekend . After a whipping by the Arkansas Razorbacks, the Tigers must come back with a big win this weekend to have a chance to win the SEC West. On the other hand, the Florida Gators have had huge wins this year with this really being their last test. If they can hold off the Tigers this weekend, they can cruise to the SEC championship with only one possible battle coming against the Georgia Bulldogs (who have nothing to lose at this point). The problem with getting an SEC team into the BCS at this point is the strength of the league. Seems every team has the chance to upset a high-ranked opponent and the league continues to beat each other up. I still see Florida taking this one on the road at Auburn and cruising to the SEC Championship in Atlanta even though Auburn wants a win more than Rep. Foley wants young pages.

On to the NFL. I'll make this as easy as possible. I've tried not to get wrapped up in this season as it seems that there is so much parody it isn't worth my time, but here I sit. These are my picks for Week 6:

Buffalo over Detroit: No question. I don't care who you put at QB, the Lions just can't get it together.

Carolina over Baltimore: Difficult pick for me. Carolina receivers or Baltimore dbacks? I'm taking Carolina's receivers after Baltimore's dbacks got so much play time against Plummer.

Tampa Bay over Cincinatti: Chris Simms makes my stomach cramp every time he drops back, but I see some potential with this team (thanks to his supporting actors).

Dallas over Houston: No brainer. The prediction here should be how many interceptions Drew "The Curse" Bledsoe throws. I'm putting my money on only one in this game as he knows Tony Romo is as close to taking his job as Kate Moss is to taking her next line of coke.

Atlanta over NY Giants: No good reason.

Philly over NO: Though my heart is with NO this season, the Eagles, even without Westbrook, can't be taken down this week. Damn Eagles.

St. Louis over Seattle: Still think Seattle can't hang on without Alexander. St. Louis continues to be lucky as hell and takes a huge win this weekend.

Washington over Tenn: Gibbs always seems to need a win like Samuel L Jackson always seems to need a good movie role. He'll get it this weekend over the disappointing Titans.

Pitt over KC: Big Ben looks more like Tiny Tim this season but looks to come back this week and prove himself as a big-time QB.

Jets over Miami: After being completely embarrassed by the Jaguars, the Jets will come out strong this week. Miami's quarterback situation is more messed up than a pile of coat hangers and don't look for it to get straightened out this week.

SD over SF: Sorry, Sondog. San Diego, San Diego, San Diego.

Denver over Oakland: Classic rivalry but no chance for Oakland this year. They're looking to start 1/2 of the "black hole" on the offensive line and all we can hope for are great sideline shots of Art Shell.

Chicago over Arizona: Again, no brainer. I see Urlacher knocking the pretty boy out of Leinart and with Fitzgerald out, any down-field options are gone. The ball will go to Edge, but to no avail. I'll take Chicago by 20 (at least).
************************************************************************************
Random Thoughts:
- Did the NBA already start? Didn't we just get rid of that?

- Is Kobe really the face of the NBA video game this year? How is he still a role model?

- Does Drew Bledsoe really suck that bad? Sure, TO's blowing up on the sidelines, but don't you think he's got a right this time? Time for Romo.

- I only watch baseball when it comes to the playoffs, but I can't even watch that this year. Could this season BE more boring?

Until next time...

"Stupid Ramblings of a Drunkard"

by SonDog

Thank you, Mr. Mel Gibson, for coining a phrase that is spot-on for Mile High Ramblings. It's real men of genius, like yourself, Mel, that make it fun to write about things like, well... you.

I just finished watching the last three innings of game 2 of the National League Championship Series (which, if you listen to the national media, might as well be a collection scabs playing in the Minor League Championship). In addition, thanks to the miracle that is east coast feed on DirecTV, I had the pleasure of watching the first 10 minutes of the New York FOX News at 10:00, immediately following the game.

You know why I loved watching these two events/programs? Because I love New York sports. And I love the New York media. And when the two come together? I can just blow a New Yorky load. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Mets.

Here are some random thoughts about this orgasmic experience:

-- Fuck Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. Seriously, Fuck... Those... Guys.

-- Everybody knows that if your team is in danger of falling down 0-2 in the biggest series of the year, there is only one man to turn to: So Taguchi.

-- My favorite part of the New York FOX News at 10:00 broadcast is the introduction, which goes like this, verbatim: "It's 10 PM. Do you know where YOUR children are?" I can't make something like that up. But in no way do I think the media tries to use scare tactics.

-- Oddest statistic that means a whole lot, but you would never guess as an answer in a game of Trivial Pursuit: St. Louis Cardinal utility player, Scott Spiezio, is 14 for 20 in his post-season career with runners in scoring position. 14 for 20. That's not only a .700 batting average... That's a .700 batting average in 20 at bats, with runners in scoring position... in the post season. The German word for that kind of success is Fyuchen Inchredyble.

-- It's 11 PM, and my child is asleep in his crib.

-- Pop-Quiz: Besides Tom Glavine and Billy Wagner, can you name five healthy Mets pitchers? If you can, I'll buy you a shot.

-- I am so thankful that Alex Rodriguez is okay after his not-really-a-near-miss-but-I-need-the-spotlight incident on Friday. I mean, the loss of Cory Lidle's life in a plane crash is one thing. But losing A-Rod? Wow, now that's important stuff. Just ask A-Rod himself.

In other news, I think that could have been the most worthless story I've ever heard in my life. I will never get those two minutes of my life back. Just one more reason to hate A-Rod.

-- Hey, did you know that the winner of the National League Championship Series gets to go to the World Series?! No, seriously, they do!

-- I don't know about you, but I really need more extreme close-ups of Mets' manager, Willie Randolph, and his painfully long nose hairs. Especially when the game is close in the last inning. In fact, if FOX could show him more than the current five times after each pitch, that would be great.

-- If the Cards end up beating the Mets, and the Tigers finish off the A's, how many FOX executives will kill themselves this week? I mean, besides the guys that get to cover the Terrell Owens situation?

-- Has Jeanie Zelasko had the same hair-do for more than one day in her life? Just a question.

Alan Schwarz is a Fucking Idiot

posted by BH

The bolded sections come from Alan Schwarz's latest thing on ESPN.com.

You read about these things, you watch some hair-netted nitwit peer into Geraldo's camera and declare, "By golly, I was gonna go in that car with him" ... and you roll your eyes, numb to the tale's banality. Someone was always gonna go in that car with him. Or eat that burger. Or take that plane flight.

And then it's you.

God I hate this type of bullshit. You will discover, as the piece progresses, that this is an absolutely misleading introductory paragragh. It would lead you to believe that Schwarz called Cory Lidle on the day of the fateful flight and said, "Sorry Cory, I can't make it." Turns out...not so.

About three weeks ago, I was talking with Cory Lidle about his newest hobby, flying. My tape recorder was off. Cory and I chatted about a lot of things over the years. Playing poker. Shooting pool. His newest cell phone. We even occasionally talked about baseball. But not that often. Similar ages, similar hobbies; whenever we ran into each other in Oakland or Philly or now in New York, we'd jabber about anything but work. On this afternoon, in the Yankees clubhouse, we started talking about his new Cirrus SR20.

"You want to go up with me?" he asked.

I was a little flummoxed at the offer but intrigued enough to see if he was serious. He was.

"Where do you live?" he asked me, knowing I lived in Manhattan.

"Upper East Side," I said. "90th and Third."

"Dude" -- Cory was from Southern California -- "you should really come up with me. We can fly right past your apartment building. You've never seen Manhattan 'til you've flown right up the East River. It's beautiful. We can do it one day before a game."

He wasn't kidding. Sufficiently convinced -- and, frankly, flattered -- I mentioned how I've always longed for the guts to skydive. But I had a baby boy in May. I will barely roll craps dice, let alone those.

"My wife would kill me," I said with a wink. "Small planes, you know."

I'd said that a little too flippantly, I guess, because Cory got somewhat serious.

"Totally exaggerated," he said. "You only hear about the crashes."

Having made his point, he said more lightly, "The kind of plane I have will be safer than the cars on the FDR Drive below us."

God I hate Alan Schwarz. Starting today. This is the most ridiculous, retarded, backward, asshole way of bringing yourself into a story there is. Seriously, Lidle died in an airplane crash yesterday. The story is Cory Lidle. The story is not, "Oh, shit...that could have been me. Let me tell you why."

At this point in the piece, Schwarz rambles on about some nonsensical crap, then gets to when he heard about a crash, thought about Lidle...

I picked up the phone and called his cell, the same number he'd given me to get him in on our poker game someday. I heard his greeting -- "Hi, this is Cory ... " -- and after the beep left a clumsy message to the effect of, "Hey, I know I'm gonna be well down on your list of people to call, but if you could put me on there somewhere to tell me you're OK, I'd appreciate it. Talk with you soon."

I hung up with the increasingly ghastly feeling that I never would. And as the news was confirmed that Cory Lidle -- major-league pitcher, father, husband and, well down the list, my friend -- was dead and that building still was burning 20 blocks south of me, his final words to me about flying wafted by like the sickening smoke.

"Tell me if you change your mind," he said about that East River flight. "You can write about it. Would make a cool story."

Seriously, what the hell? What is up with people trying to make someone else's tragedy their own. No one. No. One. other than Alan Schwarz was wondering about how this affected Alan Schwarz. You have absolutley no importance in the story of Cory Lidle and this is an effort to put yourself in the story. I don't give a shit about the non-role you played in this whole thing. Basically, the vomit you spewed on to your keyboard amounted to nothing. "I wasn't about to get on a flight with Cory. Hell, I wasn't ever going to get on a flight with Cory. I just wanted to tell you why you should think about how close we weren't to losing Alan Schwarz."

One-Year Down, Many More to Go

by SonDog

They said it couldn't be done.

They said the concept would fail miserably.

They said nobody would care.

You know what? They were wrong.

All ten of you care. And what is that intoxicating smell you're wearing?

It is with great pleasure that I announce the 1-year anniversary of Mile High Ramblings. What started as a dream, lives on today as, well, a dream. At any rate, thank you for reading our sometimes coherent ramblings about everything from Skip Bayless and the Flying Spaghetti Monster to Self-help lessons to Mind of Kings Fans to The Boofy. We hope you continue reading for as long as your attention span allows.

Crash of the Titans

by the butler

The Sondog and I met an interesting character this weekend. We were just chillin' on my porch drinkin' a couple fingers of Jame-O and taggin' a butt, most likely talking about who we should start or sit this weekend, when a little red bicycle appears suddenly before us. Off jumps Mr. Random Shady Guy. Can't quite remember, but I think that might have actually been his name.

"Hey man, can I borrow a piece a paper man, and a pen man? I just need to leave my buddy a note..."

Sure. I go in to get pen and paper. No prob Bob.

Uh-oh....he wants to hang and chat.

Talking about the weather can only burn about thirty seconds. Not nearly enough time to quench Shady Red Bike's appetite for companionship. No, no. His mission is to rob us of at least ten entire minutes. Which, by the way, is way longer than it takes to smoke a cig. When an awkward situation calls for actual conversation with Mr. Shady Guy, one subject and one subject only will suffice. Yup. Pigskin baby.

It was Thursday, and the 'Ol Ball Coach was looking to upset Auburn. So naturally, that's what we start talking about with Shade. Our boy proceeds to deliver his life history as a football fan, which actually didn't waste much time. However, the mental picture that was burned into my head of "my buddy, who used to watch the NY Giants and the Rangers at the same time, in bed, in his underwear...with nothing but a bottle of Pepto...and that's why I had to become a Giants fan" was a little overboard. I'm pretty sure Son is still suffering with that as well. I will probably have to be hypnotized to forget it.

"Hey man, what about some tape?" the crazy bastard says as he is about to leave, having no idea that he just ruined our evening with all that crazy Pepto underwear nonsense.

I sit there for a second, wondering if this jack ass actually just asked me for scotch tape. Like crackhead Felisha on Friday, axin' Smokey and Craig to borrow the car....

"Some people wanna barrah sugar, maybe e'en ketchup...butchoo wanna borrow my car? Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllll Naaaaaaw!"
_____________________________________


Unlike our friend Shady, I am a Titans fan. I wasn't fortunate enough to have a Pepto-guzzling friend of mine inspire me to choose a certain team. I grew up lonely in Tennessee, admiring Walter Payton and Da Bears, Joe Montana and the 49ers, but never actually claiming a favorite team. And then the great year of 1997 came along, and with it came the Tennessee Titans baby! I guess that will work for now. I remember when they came at first, playing in Memphis as the Oilers(which was kind of dumb), finally moving to Nashvegas in 1999.

Even though I knew Bud Adams was an ass...

(after blowing an NFL record 35-3 lead in the playoffs to back-up QB Frank Reich's Bills, Adams gave the '93 Oilers an ultimatum - make the Super Bowl or Adams would break up the team. That year the Oilers went 12-4, but lost in the second round of the playoffs to the Chiefs. The following year Adams had Warren Moon traded to the Vikes and the Oilers went 2-14)

...I was thrilled to have a team I could call my own. And they were already GOOD! The first official season as the Titans brought more treasures than most fans could hope for in a decade; including a still-standing franchise best 13-3 record, followed by Frankie Wycheck's famous Music City Miracle against the Bills, capped off by a heartbreaking loss to the Greatest Show on Turf - with Kevin Dyson tackled with an outstretched football on the one. Wow.

Talk about being spoiled, I felt like I had stolen something. It was just like the Diamondbacks in baseball. The Red Sox and Cubs hadn't won a series in over five thousand years, and the Diamondbacks throw a championship squad together a few months. Surely the solar system will be thrown off track by all of this, stars will collide, black holes will form, and the world will end very soon, right?

The next few years, however, brought continued success for the Titans. When I lived in Nashville I couldn't even get tickets unless I knew someone with season tix that wasn't going to the game, which never happened.

Then came...(gasp)

SALARY CAP HELL!!!!

If I remember correctly, it all started with the signing of Randall "friggin" Godfrey, a hot middle linebacker, as a free agent from the Cowboys. We signed him to a five year deal, then had to realease him after the '03 season because of the damn cap. He wasn't the only one, either.

Wycheck retired in January of '04 because of continued concussion problems. Our cap woes claimed Jevon "the Freak" Kearse, Lorenzo Neal, John Thornton, Samari Rolle, Anchor tackle Fred Miller, Derrick Mason, Kevin Carter, Joe Nedney, Lance Shulters, Andre Dyson, Eddie George, and then this year's grand finale, Steve "Air" McNair. (But hey, we've got Volek...oh wait)

Before the 2005 season started, the Titans had only five players left from the 1999 Super Bowl Team. Offensive linemen Benji Olsen, Brad Hopkins(since retired), Zach Piller, Steve McNair(yup), and franchise punter Craig Hentrich.

Now we just have um, yeah, ummm Benji, Zach, and yes, the freakin' punter. Nice work front office.

Now you've got a couple of complete idiots starting a firecoachfisher.com site. I mean dumb people are in this world (I actually just took a break to leave a scathing comment on that site). You don't have to look far to find out how good of a coach Fisher is. Most of his peers would count him in the top five in the NFL.

And then there's this year. Shameful and pissed of, I am. Haynesworth basically tried to kill a guy on the field Sunday. It just makes me sick watching the highlight. Kerry Collins should have never been allowed to put on a Titans jersey. He looks gay as hell in it. Chris Brown was born injured. Of course Travis Henry is not going to turn around the running game. Did we really pick Tyrone Calico in the second round? Do you think Pac-Man will ever be able to defend a pass? But hey, if we were in the National Barfighting League we would kick ass. I'm not sure any team is even close to being as doomed as we are this year. Well maybe the Raiders.

I just miss those days when I could talk trash to my Colt fan buddies who are queer and like the Colts because Peyton went to the University of Tennessee. Wasn't too long ago we were smoking them every year. Usually twice. I hate Peyton with his laser, rocket arm.

Oh how the mighty have fallen...

Sister Site

by SonDog

For you fantasy lovers out there, you will be happy to learn that Mile High Ramblings recently had sex with itself and spawned a sister site, dedicated to fantasy sports. Fantasy Schmantasy will do its best to regularly update you on all the relevant news in fantasy football and basketball, with some life-lessons thrown in for good measure (you can find a link to the site to the right of this story). The Butler and myself will do everything we can to help you win your league, unless you are in one of our leagues. In that case, we may do everything we can to mislead you. For example: "No, seriously, I heard Ed McCafferey is coming back and Shannahan said they were going to throw to him on every down. You know your team needs a token white receiver."

In a related story, for those of you who hate fantasy sports, you will be happy to learn that Mile High Ramblings recently had sex with itself and spawned a sister site, dedicated to fantasy sports. Mile High Ramblings can get back to what it does best... bitch about stuff.

It's the End of the Season as We Know it

by SonDog

Consider this a preface: 1) I am a die-hard Giants fan. I support that team more than any other professional sports franchise. This three-part blog in April supports that claim. 2) I support them to the degree that I can tell you, off the top of my head, the statistics for low-A ball players who are years away from making an impact on the major league roster. In fact, I can honestly say that I TiVo'd more than one Fresno Grizzlies AAA games this year. I have a subscription to Baseball America's daily prospect update to see how the farm system is doing... yes, daily. 3) Giants' Spring Training in Scottsdale is an annual ritual for me. That's right, I drop loads of money each spring to essentially watch grown men in tight pants practice things like running and stretching. When I think about it, it's kind of creepy. But, as a wise man once said, "Good times, good times."

Chapter 1

The 2006 season was one of my worst experiences as a Giants fan. With the exception of a few young players like Matt Cain, Noah Lowry and Jonathan Sanchez, I disliked most of the players on the roster. The team was very old and very bad. The manager looked like he was bound to have a stroke at any moment. I accidentally received Steve Finley's AARP card in the mail. And, of course, the cloud of steroid suspicion (more like a tornado) was so dark around Barry Bonds and the Giants in general that it became increasingly hard to discuss much else.

(Note to reader -- What I'm about to say may surprise many of you.)

I'm a baseball junkie. In the past few of years I've been fortunate enough to visit Wrigley Field, U.S. Cellular, Minute Maid Park, The Ballpark at Arlington, Coors Field, Chase Field and numerous Spring Training parks.. Here's how most of my conversations have gone with other fans at those yards:

Me: "Hey, the (insert team here) are playing better this year. (Insert young player here) looks like a keeper."

Anonymous Fan: "Yeah, he looks good. The kid's got a howitzer for an arm. Hey, I see you're wearing an SF hat. Are you a Giants fan?"

Me: "Yup."

Anonymous Fan (with a condescending smirk on face): "So, what do you think about Barry Bonds?"

Me: "Nice talking to you."

Here's my point: I can't talk about Barry Bonds anymore. Nor can I support Barry Bonds anymore.

I have been an unconditional Bonds-lover for years. I will one day tell my son stories about Bonds and what a joy it was to watch him hit. There was a time when you had to stop whatever it was you were doing to watch Bonds swing a bat. I was fortunate enough to watch, in his prime, the greatest ballplayer of my generation. Sadly, those days are gone.

I am no longer an unapologetic Bonds fan. Look, I'm the first to admit that it's easier to say this now than it was when Bonds was hitting .370 or jacking homers at an alarming rate. The fact is that Bonds simply isn't that good of a player any longer. He's a liability in the field and, for most of this season, not much of a threat at the plate. To an equally important degree I have dishonestly justified his juice using with the "everybody was doing it" card. I don't buy into that logic any longer. It just seems too easy, weak and void of rational thought. (But that discussion is for another story.)

Bonds has been one of my favorite players for quite some time, but frankly I'm tired of defending myself for supporting a team that I live and die with. I want to get back to talking about baseball when I'm talking about the Giants. That will not happen as long as Bonds is in a Giants jersey. Maybe I'm selfish, but you wouldn't be the first to accuse me of that. As a Giants fan, it's hard to have a conversation about the team without it invariably coming back to Bonds and his relation to the steroid mess.

For the first time since Bonds became a Giant in 1993, I can honestly say that I would be happy if he was no longer on the team. I enjoyed the Bonds spectacle while it was alive and well but it's no longer alive nor well. And yes, I fully appreciate the irony of writing a story about not wanting to talk about Bonds.

(It was interesting to read Peter Magowan's words on Monday. I thought he would be the last person to admit that Bonds could no longer be the figurehead of the franchise.)

Coming soon: Chapter 2 - Title unknown

Return of the Boofy!!

posted by BH

I left town on Saturday, heading for Ashland and a performance of The Importance of Being Earnest. I was feeling pretty hungry, so I stopped at Taco Bell in Anderson and ordered a chicken cholupa supreme and a chicken soft taco. I drove up to the window, gave the guy working some money, and watched him put a couple of napkins in my bag. I hadn't seen him put any hot sauce in, so I asked him if he had done so, to which he replied, "No, what do you want?" "Fire sauce please," I said. Guy hands me the bag and says, "I can't read your mind buddy." The BH response was, "That's why I asked dipshit."

However, The Boofy goes the the douchebag who was tailing me between the Oregon border and Yreka on the way home Sunday. The spped limit is 65 through that stretch, and I was doing 74, passing two cars when a guy named Douchebag arrived on my ass. When I started to move over, Douchebag did that thing douchebags do when they've been following someone, starting to pass even though you're not out of the lane. About five miles after passing me, Douchebag was on the side of the road, having been pulled over by a CHP officer. Me, being magnanimous in victory, gave Douchebag a couple little taps on the horn, just to say "Hi." Poor Douchebag. A ticket and The Boofy.

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

by SonDog

From ESPN.com: Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte and Miguel Tejada were among the players that a former major league pitcher accused of using performance-enhancing drugs, according to a federal agent's affidavit, the Los Angeles Times reported Saturday on its Web site.

Really, did people not suspect that Clemens (built like a left tackle) and Pettitte (built like a strong safety) were on something? What's shocking to me is the relative shock. Undoubtedly, the same baseball brainiacs that want to crucify Barry Bonds will be the same ones that say, "Let's wait for all the details to emerge," with regards to Clemens in particular. What a joke.

Here's how the lead paragraph would read if I wrote the story, "In news about as shocking as the 'accidental leak' of a Paris Hilton sex tape, a report today claims that 78-year-old Roger Clemens took performance-enhancing drugs." In other words, Clemens is to performance-enhancers what Hilton is to dick: They both need a lot of it at this point in their careers to compete at a high-level.

I am Common Sense's complete lack of surprise.