Thursday, December 01, 2005

Skip Bayless and the Flying Spaghetti Monster

by BH

The following bolded sections come from Skip Bayless' latest offering on's Page 2.

When Tony Dungy awakens these mornings, his first flash of consciousness must be: Is this really happening?

No, it's probably, “Did my alarm really just go off?” Or, “Can’t I get ten more minutes?” Or, “I wonder if we’ve got any Grape Nuts left.”

Is the team he coaches really (eyes blinking awake) 11-0? Did it just bully the bullies from Pittsburgh, where he once learned the game from a coach who won four Super Bowls, Chuck Noll?

Wait. You said "his first flash of conciousness." So he's asking himself, "Is the team he really coaches really 11-0?" You're losing me already Skip. Anyway, Dungy's probably thinking something more like “My back hurts this morning,” or “Why did I sleep with the window open?” or, “I wonder if I can convince the dog to get the paper out of the rain.”

Hi! I'm crazy.

Has he finally (cobwebs clearing) built a defense in Indianapolis that is quick and rabid enough to give his team a chance to win … every game? All 16 in the regular season? All 19, including the Super Bowl?

Really Skip. That’s a lot of stuff for a guy to think of before he’s even cleared his cobwebs. Do you really think he’s wondering about Chuck Noll?

Did his quarterback, Peyton Manning -- really his co-head coach -- actually agree on Monday night to (rubbing eyes) run the ball on third-and-18 from the Steelers' 18 and take a field goal instead of trying to throw another touchdown pass? Has Peyton finally matured and humbled himself enough to realize that running the ball more than throwing it -- that giving the defense time to rest -- is the way you win championships?

Oh, I get it Skip. You're saying what you want to say, but you're assigning it to Tony Dungy. Very funny. I guess you're asking if Peyton Manning has matured enough to not want to score touchdowns. Hmm. So in your mind, Peyton's choice was either score and kick a PAT (2 plays), or run the ball and kick a field goal (2 plays). Seems like telling us that running the same number of plays that take up the same amount of real time is a good way to prove your point that Peyton is maturing.

Seriously. Do you read my stuff? Is it even possible that I'm not crazy?

Did (swinging feet over the side of the bed) division rival Jacksonville just lose its quarterback and leader, Byron Leftwich, to a broken ankle, making the game at Jacksonville on Dec. 11 so much more winnable? Is an undefeated season somehow meant to be?

How long has Tony been in bed? If he first woke up at 5:00 am, it’s probably 10:30 am by now.

Should he risk injury to make regular-season history? Or should he follow conventional coaching wisdom -- as Noll surely would advise -- and rest and protect his players for a Super Bowl run?

Is it really conventional coaching wisdom? How many coaches have actually had to face the same scenario Dungy is about to encounter? So really, you probably mean “conventional coaching wisdom” in regards to a team that’s maybe 9-2 and has already clinched its division.

If his Colts have clinched their division and home-field advantage by Christmas Eve, should he play his starters sparingly at Seattle in Game No. 15? Should he not play them at all the final Sunday against Arizona at home?

I guess that’s what you’re here to tell us. Man you've got a lot of questions.

After all, no black coach has ever won a Super Bowl.

Oh no. Why’d you have to go and do that? Is Dungy going to be thinking about being the first black head coach to win the Super Bowl during games in Seattle or Arizona? Jeez Skip. Is his moment going to be any more significant because he’s black? Or is he simply going to be a happy man who has reached the pinnacle of his profession?

Flurben! Stoober! Pernaddle!! Dog Fart! I'm crazy!!

In fact, in his heart of hearts, Dungy surely has hoped for the last month or so that his Colts would lose a close game. At Cincinnati? Pittsburgh? Just one, just to take the growing "undefeated" burden off their shoulder pads going into the playoffs.

The idea that Dungy wants the Colts to lose a game to somehow lift the magical veil of burden off his team is moronic and absurd. When the Lakers were going through an undefeated playoff streak a few years ago, did anyone ask if they needed to lose in order to win the title? Once they finally lost to the Sixers in the finals, did anyone suggest that a burden had been lifted?

You have an extremely rare opportunity to make history in the regular season and the postseason -- to achieve stature that no black football coach has ever had.

Skip, I don’t know if you really are a racist, but it sure seems like it. Don’t try to do anything to Dungy’s accomplishment by attaching race to it. Dungy has the chance to achieve stature that no football coach has ever had, black or white.

You had the guts to speak out when Terrell Owens did the "Monday Night Football" skit with the naked babe in the locker room, calling it racially insensitive. Now have the guts to close this deal.

Skip Bayless everyone. Insane human.

Skip was my understudy, and let me tell you, that boy is nuts. He pooped on my lawn one night.

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