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Ilana Is Hot

Oh, hi. If you know what that headline means, you must watch LOST. Well then I'll get right to it.

Tuesday's episode was one of the best in a while. Locke episodes tend to be the best. I liked Jack episodes for the first two seasons, but unless the writers have something up their sleeves, the Jack and Kate episodes have lost relevance and stopped being compelling. The previous week's Kate-centric hour was awful. Awful. Evangeline Lilly is just so super hot but can't seem to act a lick. We've seen that occasionally the writers or producers or whoever will throw in a filler episode, but this is the final season and we do not have tolerance for such nonsenorystupidwasteness. Anyway, one of the worst episodes in a long time was followed by one of the best. I don't feel like trying to break down the meaning of who did what or appeared to whoever or was reading what book. If you're really into the show, you've checked those things out already. I'm mostly just here to bitch. I hate the clip show moments that emerge from time to time, and there were two such examples Tuesday night. First, when Locke pulled out Jack's crumpled business card, we were shown an up-close view of an uncrumpled version. I know who's card it was. Why show it? Shit, reward me for hanging in there with the show instead of wasting seconds showing me what I already know. The second example was the visual recap of everyone Jacob had visited before they came to the island. I know. I watched the show. Again, why remind me of what I already know? Were these two things an effort to get those late to the party a summary? One thing about people who watch this show is that they know it. Can the people who are just beginning to watch or those who have returned after a hiatus really be helped by a thirty-second face montage? Of course not. So stop wasting my time with this bullshit. My guess actually is that the show simply came up short and the director needed a few extra seconds of filler. I really have no problem with that.

Aside from the Kate episode, I am not disappointed in the least in this season. It used to take half a season to get as much information as we got Tuesday night, so I'm happy.

We're Tryng To Get Back At It

After a year-long hiatus, we'll see if the MHR outlet lasts more than a few days. Welcome back to us, I say.

The Super Bowl of Sunday Posts

It's stupid that the Daytona 500 is referred to as "The Super Bowl of stock car racing." It takes place at the beginning of the season and requires no playoff to get in, really - okay, maybe qualifying counts, but that's a stretch. And don't you know youre competition has a long way to go when you have to make it analogous to a much more mainstream event in order that people recognize it's a big deal. No one says "It's the Daytona 500 of curling." The 500 should be more appropriately called "The Opening Weekend 49ers/Cardinals game of stock car racing." I'd buy that and could at least respect the honesty.

I'll admit I love stock car racing though. It started in the 80's when my dad pointed out that Bill Elliot was beating the shit out of everyone, so I checked it out and was hooked. I've found myself becoming more and more interested come each February and this year I have been paying attention to Daytona talk since November. I watched the 24-hour race two weeks ago, qualifying, several practice sessions and the Nationwide race on Saturday. As the season progresses my attention wanes a bit, but I'll usually try to make sure I'm available to catch most of each weekend's race. The point is, I like to think I'm slightly better than the fan who watches one football (Super Bowl) or baseball (All-Star) game each year then talks as though he knows what's going on. Having said all that, there are still some things I don't get:

- I can't explain what the fuck wedge is.

-Where did the Darrell Waltrip boogity thing come from? It's getting to Chris Berman canned crap level. How does this signature call nonsense keep happening in sports? Whether is Dick Enberg or Marv Albert or Berman, guh. It's akin to seeing adds for new John Travolta movies, at least in that I scream "How does this keep happening?!" at the television.

- There seem to be way more cautions than when I was younger. Obviously safety is a major concern, but does the race really need to stop because a piece of tire is sitting on the apron a mile-and-a-half behind the pack?

For the most part coverage is great, and if there were ever a competition in which sideline, or pit, reporters were a benefit, it's stock car racing. But the lingo still gets a little overwhelming. It's like watching Firefly, in which most conversations sounded like a mixture of Cockney rhyming slang and something from "Deadwood." I doubt the average football fans recognizes a Tampa Two when a commentator refers to it, but football is not efforting for mainstream recogniztion the way NASCAR is.

Olympic things -

I love the Olympics, winter and summer. The opportunity to host the games is not about money, but instead it is a chance to show your country's stuff. Yep, I know the winter Olympics takes a hit because of the elitist nature of the events, but it still involves athletes who have trained harder at their events than I will ever train for anything and a host country putting a lot of hope and joy into sixteen days.

-The Opening Ceremony was amazing. Seeing Canada trot out the likes of Steve Nash and Wayne Gretsky and the national pride surrounding the whole production, as well as the visual boner I got from watching the whole spectacle left me stoked I was able to see it. I'm a sucker for that stuff. Sarah Mclachlan was great and you're a hard-hearted and cynical doucheclown if "Hallelujah" being sung the day an athlete died din't get to you.

-Apolo Ohno's soul patch matters. Sorry, I meant to put a ? instead of a . Apolo Ohno's soul patch matters? I had a girlfriend once suggest I grow one and things were never the same. Jay Marriotti's take is funny when he writes, "a night when he fought off two South Koreans who knocked each other out." That's actually the opposite of fighting someone off. That's sitting ringside, watching two guys beat the hell out of each other, then climbing in the ring and raising the belt for yourself while they're still on the floor with blood all over their faces. Yes, truly magical.

-I'm dreading the period of time in which figure skating is taking up my television space in place of something not obnoxious. Obviously the debate between sport/not sport will always happen, but I'd like to think a sport requires that the unkowledgeable fan knows the winner without a judge telling him who it is. I know figure skating is hard and I can't figure skate as well as they do and figure skaters are better at figure skating than I will ever be at anything, but replace figure skate (ing) with jackhammer (ing) and figure skaters with jackhammerers (?) and you understand my issue.

New Post?

Yeah, it's been awhile. I'm the only one who's going to read this. I've got a year's worth of vitriol stored up, buuuuuuut I think I'll just stick with a gripe at a time.

What the fuck is this "NFL Nation Live" bullshit on ESPN.com? Stupid.

Did you hear when douches started asking, "What if Michael Phelps were black?"

If you think people would be acting differently toward Michael Phelps after his recent dope smoking incident if he were black, you're a fucking retard.

What's with the yelling?

It's worse than the fist pump. In yesterday's Australian Open semifinal, Spaniard Fernando Verdasco, was a screaming, self-congratulatory douche, making Rafael Nadal's post-point antics look tame. I think this is from Wimbledon, but it looked the same.


It's the post-TD choreographed dance and arm up after a home run trot and soccer goal celebration all rolled into on. Stop yelling. Stop looking at your box after each point. Stop giving hand signals to your family in the stands. Shut the fuck up and play tennis.

MHR Super Predictions

Really, don't we all hate predictions? Yes. You might not know it, but you hate them. If I'm way off on a prediction, I won't bring it up again. If I'm close, you're darn right you're going to hear about it. There's the Matthew Berry approach to predictions, in which a person guesses on about 1,ooo outcomes each week, then touts the three he got right when next week's column comes along. But we aren't that douchy here at Mile High Ramblings. Predictions only arise three or four times each year; maybe for the Super Bowl and World Series and maybe the College Football National Championship. My best guess ever came for the 2006 USC/Texas game, when I'd predicted a 42-40 Texas win. The outcome? 41-38 Texas, forever cementing me as the clown who brings up the 2006 Rose Bowl game as evidence of is prognosticating awesomeness. So...

Steelers 23- Cardinals 17

News Flash: David Wells Is A Fat, Loudmouth, Turd

Totally. He is the latest to chime in on the Joe Torre quotey looking things that aren't necessarily really things Torre said. You've probably read what Blowhardy McFatterson has said, so I'm not going to rehash it here. The point is this: David Wells is a nobody. Worse, a nobody who is somebody because he's loud. He was a good MLB pitcher, who got by on talent and the notoriety that accompanies saying or writing stupid, stupid shit once a fortnight. The truth is, Wells has no idea what was actually written or the context in which these "quotes" are presented. Such is the case when a man makes a career and life based on putting forth the littlest amount of effort possible.

Suck At Your Job?

Well, hell then, join ESPN.

The WWL hired former Jets and Chiefs Head Coach Herm Edwards as a talking head this week after the coach was fired by Kansas City. On the day the news was released, the "story" was in ESPN's "HEADLINES" section. Now it can be found in the same section on the network's NFL page.

Herm Edwards was well-known for his sound bites while coaching the Kansas City Chiefs and New York Jets. Now he'll be taking his talking talents to ESPN. Edwards, recently fired as head coach of the Chiefs, is joining ESPN as an NFL studio analyst and will start in mid-February."I'm excited about the opportunity to join the ESPN team and offer my insight as a former player and head coach. I'm going to be truthful with my opinions on all the issues that take place on and off the field of play," Edwards said in a statement.

Edwards had been an NFL head coach for the past eight seasons, leading the Jets and Chiefs to four playoff appearances. His overall coaching record was 56-77. In addition, he is one of only four NFL coaches to lead two teams to playoff berths in his first season with a new team.

(continues digging)...but then oversaw teams that got worse almost every year. Not counting those first two years in which Edwards was coaching teams he'd inherited, his record was 35-61. That's Millen-esque!

"Herm is well-liked and highly respected throughout the league, and his insights and opinions as a former coach will make a tremendous addition to our year-round NFL coverage," Norby Williamson, ESPN executive vice president, production said in a statement.

This is a fucking press release. Eat it, ESPN. And "well-known for his sound bites?" Really? I remember one that barely qualifies as memorable. I'm sure Edwards is "well-liked," and pooooossssibly "highly respected," but what the hell is a failure as an NFL coach doing on a national football telecast?

Sean Hannity is anti-American

I just watched five minutes of Sean Hannity's show in which it claimed:

** Global warming has been EXPOSED as a myth by 650 climatologists (false, by the way)

** The lingerie bowl should not have been cancelled because of sexism, because, you know, the men in the NFL wear tight pants

Plus, he seemed to support his argument against Al Gore with a personal insult about Gore's weight. I'm not quite sure where Gore's weight comes in to the global warming discussion (it is no longer a global warming debate. It's real.), but apparently Hannity believes that insults qualify as facts to substantiate a position.

I really hate that scumbag. His show is performs a disservice to the political discussion.

LOST Episode 3 Take

Desmond's son, Charlie is the Charlie. Put that in the bank - no refunds if I'm wrong though. My guess is the English cutie-pie holding a gun to Farraday is his mother, and perhaps, just maybe, Widmore is his father. That's a mind-fuck and a half - and is probably wronger than wrong -but might make sense seeing as how Widmore spent time financing Farrady's research into time travel. I like the Farraday character more each episode, but the relationship between he and Charlotte seems superfluous. And how about an episode without Kate or Jack or Ben? Just the island inhabitants. Excellent.

Grade: A

Go Speed Racer, Go Speed Racer, Go Speed Racer, Go-Go-Go

Interesting little stat from the back of Will Clark's baseball card:

In 1987, Clark had 5 stolen bases... but he was caught a mind-boggling 17 times!

Seriously, at what point did Roger Craig pull him aside and strangle him? And why hasn't Mike Krukow discussed this in a broadcast?

Sports News?

It's so, I don't know, passe to bash the WWL, but come on. Lately ESPN has been going a bit overboard with the gossip-posing-as-headlines schtick, and today is no exception. The "headlines":

• Justice, Gooden deny Radomski's allegations
• Torre defends book; A-Rod unfazed | Olney
• Chargers GM Smith clears air with Tomlinson
• Source: Brady plans to be back for Pats opener
• Report: Sampson appealing NCAA discipline
• Friars fan who rushed court jailed without bail
• Manuel says he'd like Manny in Mets' lineup
• Study: Late NFL player had brain condition
• Goodbye, LA? AC Milan wants to keep Beckham
• Man in dress lightens Super Bowl media day

Maybe, maaaaybe two of those represent actual news stories. But a guy in a dress at Super Bowl Media Day? Really? Some crazy fucktard hasn't done something douchy at every Media Day over the past fifteen years? A dress seems somewhat tame. Reports of assholes denying and defending and wishing and hoping? Fucking please. It's all become sitting around the popular girl's locker in high school, listening to her recite what she has heard from others about bitches and skanks. Is there any less credible "news" "source" in the sports world today?

What the F@*! is Going On In San Francisco, You Ask?

I get the feeling Mike Singletary is going to be a Bill Belichick style coach. I don't mean success-wise (I'll be thrilled if he has one-half the success Belichick has had in New England) but in that there are going to be guys who can't stand him and won't work for or with him, while there are going to be coaches and players who will walk through fire for him. Did you notice Scott Linehan is going to coordinate the Lions offense? According to the Chronicle,

Those close to Linehan say he was not comfortable with Singletary and did not like either of the quarterbacks on the roster, Shaun Hill and Alex Smith.

In the immortal words of Larry David, "Fuuck him!"

The Niners' offensive coordinator search looks bad at this point. At last count the team had brought in seven candidates, offering the job to one, Linehan. It looks like a bumbling jumblefuck of a search with Singletary interviewing anyone with anything close to resembling an offensive approach. But I find myself having faith in the John Galt-ness of Mike Singletary. You can come live is his objectivist utopia, but you sure as shit better get why you're there. If you don't want to be there, it's because you don't get it. Those who scoff and laugh may look good now, but time will find them wishing they'd been on board from the beginning.

Immediate Second Hour of LOST Thoughts

Holy shit! Ana-Lucia! Ana-Lufuckingcia. My mind is being fucked. I knew it as soon as you could tell it was a woman cop getting out of the car. Dammit that's exciting. I already feel like I need to watch these two episodes more than three times to get everything that's gone on.

There are seriously an unfollowable number of storylines going on. And who the fuck is this Neil character? Thank God he gets a flaming arrow in the chest. Ben has something going, as does Sayid and Jack and Hurley and Locke and Charlotte and Jim the boom mic operator. Cripes. Yet, I remain faithful to the Temple of Lindelof and recognize that at some point, I'm going to want to poop my pants in mindfuckiness happy joy.

Grade: B-

Immediate First Hour of LOST Thoughts

Aaahhh, there's too much going on. Who's where and when and then Desmond makes an appearance? Shit, I was satisfied with the Desmond and Penny storyline's conclusion at the end of last season, and now their inclusion seems muddled. Sawyer's fatter than he used to be. Locke is the constant? Seriously, there are eighteen seperate stories happening within the hour! I need more time. I need time to decompress and sit on this for a night.

How 'Bout That NFC West?

Yeah, there will still be some out there groaning that the best team in the NFC is not going to be playing two Sundays from now. Geez, last Sunday after Philly beat New York to get into the NFC Championship Game, some were upset that two 9-win teams had made it, certain the game was going to be a bummer of a shitfest of a mistake-filled blah. These weren't the two best teams in the NFC and no playoff outcome - and all usually pertinent BCS arguments be damned - was going to change that. There was the usual snarky, groupthinky douchitude orbiting the blogosphere regarding the Cardinals and the NFC West and big losses to the Jets and Patriots, and the how, oh how, were we supposed to enjoy this NFC Championship tilt when these two obviously, painfully flawed teams were involved?

And then the game was great. Kurt Warner looked like the Hall of Famer that some are now certain he has become. The Cards tried to show they could win a game running nothing but trick plays and Philly made the last thirty minutes edge-of-your-seat worthy. And now the team no one took seriously is going to the Super Bowl where they will try to continue their aerial barrage. Yay, I say. If my team (Niners) can't get there, it might as well be the team they almost took care of on one Monday night not too long ago. My guess is that the Steelers defense will shut down Warner and the leap-ball offense. But for all of you who acted like the hot girl at the prom, dissmissing the nerdy-ish kid with the sweet dance moves who you'd maybe noticed once or twice but never took seriously, eat it.

Bonds Innocent...ish?

Well no, probably not. But at least it looks like the government's perjury case against him isn't as much of a slam dunk as we've been lead to believe.

On two fronts, Bonds is looking at developments that may help repair the tarnishing of his name, a little. According to a Yahoo! Sports report, at the time of Bonds' alleged ingestion (?) of the cream and the clear, neither were considered illegal by the Justice Department. Secondly, and somewhat more juicily, questions abound regarding the effectiveness of taking said drugs and achieving enhanced muscle growth.

So what does this mean? Who knows. According to the report,

"This case has been presented as Barry Bonds lying about steroids,” said Christopher Cannon, a San Francisco defense attorney with extensive experience in federal perjury cases. “The government’s theory is that he was taking the Clear. If the government knows the Clear wasn’t a steroid – then when Barry said he wasn’t taking a steroid, he was telling the truth.”

Saying that Bonds was "telling the truth" might be correct in a technical sense, kind of like when a kid tell you the floor broke a glass, not him. I'm not a lawyer, nor have I been involved in too many legal proceedings, but perjury has got to be hard to prove. Infinitely more so when your whole case revolves around saying a guy lied about something somewhat ambiguous. So maybe Bonds ends up off the legal hook and the Bonds armor remains free of a previously assumed chink. But despite the idea that the cream or the clear were not technically considered steroids at the time Bonds took them, they still represent performance enhancement drugs. Right?

Novitzky: “He said it was another matter when looking at federal criminal law and the problem that you run into there is there’s a certain amount of steroids that are listed under criminal law that say: Hey, these substances are definitely steroids. And then there’s a catchall phrase that says if it’s not one of these substances, then if you can say pharmacologically or chemically related to testosterone, which in this case THG is, and you also have to show that it enhances muscle growth in human beings.

“And that’s the problem that we’ve run into with THG and which Dr. Catlin testified to the grand jury, is that there’s never been any studies to show whether or not THG does, in fact, enhance muscle growth.”

So...what? What Bonds took may not have actually lead to muscle growth? I don't know. But what if it turns out to be true that THG does nothing? Where does the steadfastly Bonds-took-steroids-and-we-have-proof contingent go then? Probably, reasonably, believing that Bonds took steroids, just not the ones we assumed. The thing is, we're not talking about androstenedione. We're talking about a substance with far more questions regarding its effectiveness.

Thank God for Yahoo! Sports and the report/investigation. While ESPN has turned into the Headline News of the sports world, there is still legitimate discovery happening in sports journalism without throwing a parade each time some new angle is uncovered (see: E:60).

Well, if he gets warts on his fingers, I guess it's not a bad thing if he misses a start

From With Leather: "Barry Zito More Tainted Than Ever."

From TMZ.com: "After the terrible season he had, we can't really blame SF Giants pitcher Barry Zito for denying he was Barry Zito the other night."

Seems Barry Zito doesn't have much trouble with the strike zone when it comes to chicks. As for that off-season conditioning program? Apparantly it involvs group orgys and multiple STD tests.