Please insert liquor

Oh, the joys afforded one by this fabled internet thing. I finally, (finally!) have access at the new house. Amen, to that I say. I've just got so many people to thank for getting me through the down time somewhat unscathed, not the least of which are the teeny people inside my iphone who worked overtime, all hours of the day and night, running on teeny hamster wheels, working newfangled contraptions and exercizing any strange magic available to get me connected at a speed reminiscent of 1996 dial-up.

Kevin Hench at foxsports.com deserves all the ridicule message board contributors can muster. Read this, especially this:

Rocco Baldelli is a five-tool player: and those tools are scalpel, knee brace, cane, sling and Ace bandage.

Baldelli has appeared in 127 of a possible 486 games the last three seasons. And — surprise! — he will begin this season on the disabled list. His latest DL-inducing "injury" is exhaustion. Who does he think he is, Mariah Carey? And what is he exhausted from, the off-season?

Baldelli's career mirrors the sad history of the Rays. Just one downer after another. He may be only 26, but after four seasons he has proven two things definitely: he can't stay healthy and he doesn't know the strike zone. He has a career .324 OBP and strikes out four times as much as he walks. In 1,656 career at bats he has drawn only 83 walks. He's exhausted, and he's exhausted the patience of Rays fans, tired of watching him strike out on balls in the dirt.

Ahahaha. You're a giant douche, Mr. Douchy Douche Hench Douchyson. Turns out Baldelli suffers from a combination of metabolic and mitochrondrial abnormalities, which prevent the muscle in his legs from working and recovering properly. That's not just pussy talk for tired.