Woody Paige dictates to a monkey using half his brain

The crazy ramblings of a crazy person aspiring to achieve incoherence. Do the editors at the Denver Post cringe every time they have to print a Paige column?

What happened to the game? Performance-enhancing drugs happened.

And the federal government investigates.

Wait. Let me collect the brain dripping out the side of my ear and see if I can stuff back inside my head. Okay, I'm ready. What?

What happened to the game? Performance-enhancing drugs happened.

And knee surgery, and creatine, and better workout methods, and better science, and hitters watching video after every at-bat, and Tommy John, and no more astro-turf, and maple bats, and expansion and lots of other neat stuff that has made it hard to single out PEDs as the lone offending issue when trying to compare eras. Please continue.

And the federal government investigates.

Oh, new paragraph? Rad.

Roger Clemens, winner of 354 games and seven Cy Young Awards, claims he did not take steroids or human growth hormone.

Barry Bonds, hitter of 762 home runs and recipient of seven MVP awards, claims he did not take steroids or human growth hormone.

Rule #3 on the board when you sign up for journalism during your freshman year in high school: Don't use "claim." And Bonds actually said he hadn't knowingly taken steroids or HGH, sort of acknowledging that they had gained entrance into his body.

Strikingly familiar, except for one significant difference. Clemens' former friend and trainer said he injected Clemens with the PEDs. Bonds' former friend and trainer went to jail instead of saying anything.

In. con. se. quen. tial. Ir. rel. e. vant. What. the. fuck?

Today Brian McNamee, Clemens' ex-personal trainer, will assert that he stuck needles containing steroids and HGH into Clemens.

Or he will admit he lied.

Clemens will counter that he took only B-12 and lidocaine shots.

Or he will admit he lied.

Don't expect any confessions.

But you just...I mean...guh. I'm confused. I'm very confused. He will deny, or confess. He will deny, or confess. Don't expect them to confess. I mean, maybe Woody is trying to build the suspense, only to snatch it away.

In a new paragraph.

But I think he's just confused.

Clemens says this is not his first trip to D.C. It's not his first rodeo, either.

???

Meanwhile, pitchers and catchers report, and spring training will commence. And there will be a new season, and we'll wonder about the Rockies and the Red Sox.

So you're interested in baseball? But what happened to the game? Performance-enhancing drugs happened.

And the federal government investigates.

That's why you've written, I mean, you have dictated this to your monkey.

I don't really care about Clemens and Bonds and even less about Greg Anderson, Bonds' trainer, and McNamee, a pair of hangers-on who hitched themselves to baseballers.

Anderson and McNamee helped Clemens and Bonds reconstruct their bodies, using whatever methods, and Clemens and Bonds entertained and set records.

It sounds like Bonds and Clemens hitched themselves to trainers, actually. And it's evident you do care about Bonds, Clemens, McNamee and Anderson because you've dictated to a monkey an entire column about them. You've got to keep the monkey fed. Take it to the vet. Spend money on the thing. Give it a name. I mean, it's not like your going to waste the monkey's energy on a subject about which you don't care.

Who I really do care about are the kids. At the Super Bowl a hostess whose husband is a bright minor-league prospect provided more insight than the House Oversight Committee will get from Clemens and McNamee.

"My husband considered using steroids. He saw how much money there is to be made and how famous major-league players can become. There are lots of players around him who did the drugs. But when it came down to it, he wanted to do it on his terms, naturally, and he will."

The only way those three pseudoparagraphs make sense is is by, "Who I really care about are the kids," Woody means the grown up minor leaguers with spouses.

The player will make it to The Show this season.

As Tampa Bay's fourth outfielder.