An Open Letter to Joe Buck

You are awful. Awful, awful, awful, awful, awful. Terrible. I'm watching the Redskins/Giants. You and Troy Aikman are calling the game. Troy, meh. Tollerable. Moderately insightful. You are awful. The Buck Standard Call, or BS Call, goes something like:

"(Insert QB name)...(insert RB/WR/TE name)...what a hit by (insert LB/FS name)."

The real test of a tele commentator is, if I've got my back to the television, can I still tell what's happening if I just listen. With you, no way.

"(QB) steps up...to (WR)...4th down."

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!! You add nothing. Your whole football modus operandi seems to consist of saying names. And adding unqualified color!

"What a throw by (QB)!"

Guh. Please get better. I know you're on FOX, and I know you guys think we are retarded, but please just get better. Don't think you can fool us by just talking.

Thanks, Joe. Now get back to baseball so I can mute you for the playoffs.

BH

You don't really have a point, so shut the...

I love the numbers in football. I don't really like watching games, mostly due to the after-play shenanigans. I'd rather watch the rotating scoreboard on NFL Network than a live game. Only a few teams play good football. While parity gives most teams a shot at the beginning of the year and shortens the shittiness cycle, it makes for some pretty crappy football. Among other reasons, guys are not with teams long enough to form real cohesiveness on offense, which makes for some boring shit more often than not. The Colts, Saints, Chargers, and Bengals are the obvious exceptions to this. The Niner-Cards game on Monday night was excruciating. The Bears-Bolts game was so bad, I left to go for a ride even though I had LT on my fantasy roster. The Cowboy-Giant game was the Jesus of the weekend, but even that game wasn't played particularly well.

Football is boring these days. I never used to listen to announcers. I used to watch the game. Madden and Summerall on Niner/Cowboy games were like some ambient glow rather than an intrusion. Michaels and Gifford were amazing, so much so that Dan Dierdorf's buffoonery was nothing more than a mosquito buzzing around your ear. Today, every tit with a microphone tries to be John Madden. Announcers tell you what to think about plays rather than describing them. The nice thing about Michaels and Summerall was that they'd let the viewer decide what they thought about a play. They left the color to the color guys, and even the color guys told you what happened, not what to think. Is it that football is so tough to watch that I can't help hearing crummy commentary? Or is it that crummy commentary is so bad that it's making football tough to watch. I don't know. I do know the experience that is football on television is almost unbearable. Thank God Madden and Michaels are together on Sunday night.

I was driving home on Monday from Vail to NorCal, listening to the Bengals-Ravens game. Boomer Esiason was doing the color alongside some douche I'd never heard of. Over and over Boomer talked about momentum. The Bengals had the momentum, then it turned and the Ravens did, then the Bengals got it back after a fumble recovery, then the Ravens had the momentum. He kept talking about it. Boomer, I know you're a frequent MHR reader, so if you're reading this, let me tell you something everyone else already knows. Momentum in sports is not real. If momentum switches seemingly from play to play, there is none. Please stop talking about it. And if the point you're trying to make isn't really panning out, don't try to make it work. You just look, or sound, silly.

So the whole experience has become very ho-hum. DMo, Sondog, the Butler and myself were at Sondog's house Sunday morning, excited as all hell to watch the opening Sunday of football season. We were all pretty hung-over so it wasn't the most reliable case-study, but Sondog ended up asleep on the floor and the rest of us left before the second game was at the quarter. Elam's kick at the gun was nice, especially since it got me four points in our fantasy league, but the day was a tough watch.

So, Meh...

I started a blog called, 'stopthefistpump' some time ago, and realized there was nothing to write about other than the title's suggestion. I haven't written anything there for a few months. I've decided to get it going again, but it won't be limited to fisting pumps. I've got the same address but a different name, so check it out. I don't know what I'll write about, or why the hell you'll care to read it.

The Secret of My Success

Fuck, I know. Every self-righteous douche that watches an NFL game, blogs (a little), and believes in an East-Coast bias is writing about Bill Belichick this morning.

So it turns out Belichick is a cheater. And we're not talking, "The camera was pointed at the coaching staff all game, so...maybe" cheating. Belichick was caught walking out of the bathroom with a 16-inch syringe sticking out of his ass. It took Roger Goodell four days to administer punishment. Evidently it was so blatant, that IT ONLY TOOK FOUR DAYS!! There are no former congressmen heading farcical task forces. There is evidence and punishment. There are no questions.

Well, okay, I guess there is one. How long has Belichick been doing this? There has to be a huge shadow over every single Pats win since he's taken over. Hell, there have to be questions at all his stops. John Clayton wrote this morning, "Belichick means everything to this team. He's the best coach in football. He has the best schemes in the league." Uh, no John, we don't know that anymore. We sure as hell know he's not the best creator of spying techniques. Thank capial g God he's not running shit for us in South Korea. His poor camera man would look Brad Pitt in Spy Game fucked, rather than simply escorted to the gates at The Meadowlands. I don't know what kind of coach he is. I don't know what his schemes look like without the benefit of knowing what's coming. This raises questions about everything involved with this organization, since Belichick has his hands in everything. And let's not assume he is the only person who knows what is going on. He is simply the ring-leader, and I'm sure players know the deal. This is organizational corruption. We know teams worry about cheating and a few have been accused. But never has an offense been so cut and dry.

Everything the Pats have done in their run is tainted. Is Belichick a great coach? Hell, beats me. I'm not willing to simply say that he is, the way John Clayton does. I know he's a cheater. I don't know if the capital g Golden Boy is the great quarterback we all think he is. I don't know if anyone on that team will now actually be able to play the way we've seen in the past. And if they do? Are they cheating? Has the guy with the 'best schemes in football' come up with the newest, best scheme in cheatball? There will always be questions. Not suggestions and winks and 'fuck, it was like they knew what was coming out there''s. Real, validated questions. And to this point, real, validated answers. Is the Bradyfallocentric ESPN going to wonder? No. They will still compare him to Joe Montana, forever pretending this is a Belichick-only issue. Belichick will get litle more than a figurative slap-on-the-wrist from the talking heads at the worldwide leader. Will they ask questions about asterisks next to each Pats Super Bowl win? Of course not. This is their team, their chiseled All-American guy, their brilliant coach.

Cowboy Mouth!!!!!!

Me getting ready to meet fred (Thumbs up!)

this is the lead singer/drummer fred

Me (on the left) and my buddy Danny

My wife Helen and Fred (the drummer/singer)

Ok guys, sorry it's been so long since I last blogged but things have been crazy since the wedding. Anyway, I am blogging because about a week before the wedding we went to Charlottesville and got to see one of our favorite bands. It was fucking nuts! I am telling you right now that if they ever come to your area you HAVE to go see them. I promise that you will have a blast if you like live music. I don't really know how to add all the sweet link but I am going to try. I am also going to try and post a few pics.

PS> They are coming to Richmond on Sept. 13th and we will be there!!!

PS> Their newest album is VOODOO SHOPPE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XdTQ5BVoRY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hSfHGXNACA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QPrVZH7f30

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZBpKnL5N0w

VIVAAAAAAAAAA VIAGRA!

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please God, give us the Chevy "This is OOOOOOOUUUUUUR Country" back!!! We didn't mean it!

ANYTHING BUT THIS!!!

(I saw this first during the Chargers pre-season game the other night, and I fear it will be played one hundred billion times this football season)

Ramblings of Note

This edition of Ramblings of Note inspired by Awful Chief (Check Out My HEMI): The Lions Should Really Play in the Canadian Football League

Funniest. Fantasy. Football. Post. Ever (Kissing Suzy Kolber): AHHHHHH!!!! FRANK GORE BROKE HIS F--KING HAND!!!!

Bitterfans.com brings you The Top 10 QB's of the Last 25 Years

Some people are beginning to ponder: Does Tebow Suck? The Gators think he does (Loser With Socks)

Finally, the truth: the reason for the famous strip club visit by Pacman Jones on the eve of his meeting with Pastor Roger Goodell- the food, man. (Larry Brown Sports)

Fantasy Football Draft Recap: Tank Johnson Desert Classic on Yahoo! Fantasy Sports- The guys from KSK, Shanoff, Will Leitch, NOIS, With Leather, EDSBS, Mighty MJD...I'm callin' Unsilent Majority for the win.

Look out Sondog, Bibby's brother told this dude he might want to play in Cleveland... (Log's Blog)

Ray Ankiel (not the guy from Ace Ventura) made Tony LaRussa cry with his home run. (the Pig Pen)

Yes, someone has already thought of a Michael Vick Dog Chew Toy. Damn. (Music City Miracles)

755

A few random thoughts on last night's big event:

• You stay classy, San Diego -- Classy, classy fans in San Diego. No syringes tossed on to the field. No boos. No "this is the worst moment in sports history! Think of the kids! The KIDS!!!!!" lunatic reasoning. Just a standing ovation and cheers. Ron Burgandy was right.


• In the end, San Diego makes sense -- Bonds has hit more home runs in San Diego than in any other city in his career (other than San Francisco, of course). 756 will come at home where people will rejoice and dance and drink and all will be good. Nevertheless, San Diego was fitting for 755


• It feels like the very first time. Oh it feels, it feels like the first time. Yeah it feels like the first time -- You know, I just can't concentrate when I get a Foreigner song stuck in my head. The opposite field shot -- just like Bonds' first career homer -- felt like the first time (give or take 95 pounds and a bad case of bacne).


• "Save Until I Delete" was made for this -- There's a lot of crap saved in my TiVo, but this game will be there forever. Only two other Bonds' homers have reached the Save Until I Delete designation in my personal television version of the Hall of Fame. One is a game in Denver where the crowd was booing before a Bonds at bat, yet the television cameras focused on two Giants fans joyously celebrating. Those fans were DMo and myself. Next pitch: Gone. The other homer was Bonds blast off of an Eric Gagne 100 mph heater. Power vs. Power. Juice vs. Juice. The epitome of baseball for the last 15 years.

His Nickname is "The Bomb"

And he's not the King of Spain, either. But he is yet another voyage into the international arena for the Memphis Grizzlies. Pau Gasol has his buddy, and no reason to whine this year. Beale Street is gearing up for some serious basketball this year.

Juan Carlos Navarro. "La Bomba". Should be interesting to hear that rattled off in downtown Memphis. The deal is reportedly in exchange for "a lottery protected first round pick."(BulletsForever.com)

Drafted by Washington in the second round of the 2002 NBA Draft, having played in Spain for FC Barcelona since 1997 (at age 17), Navarro will become a valuable asset right away.

Nice work.

Bonds needs to break the record so reporters can stop talking about it and start talking about how they couldn't stop talking about it

Or something like that. At least, that's according to Mark Kriegel of foxsports.com:

Mark Kriegel: "Hey, I don't like Barry Bonds. Thought you should know that I'm bored."

Waiting for Barry Bonds to hit a homer has quickly become the most dreadful ritual in sports. In keeping with my wise friend's metaphor, it lacks the requisite feeling. It lacks passion.

It lacks so much passion that Kriegel feels passionate enough to write about it.

You could feel it from the press box, the mass resignation, the lack of drama.
As it pertains to Bonds tying and breaking Hank Aaron's home run record, everybody knows the deal:
-It is inevitable.
-It is tainted.
-It is what it is.
So, please, let's get it over with.

Yes, let's get it over with so we can write about how it was insane that we are captivated by it and can't stop talking about it. Then we can talk about how we couldn't stop talking about why we couldn't stop... and I've gone cross-eyed.

The rest of us were kind of bored, though. The highlight of the evening was Bonds' six-pitch at-bat in the first. He actually got a couple of pitches to foul off.

As it ended — with another Bonds walk — my friend the learned baseball man let out a sigh of relief. The excitement was almost too much for him.
"Whew," he said. "I think I need a cigarette after that one."
This has to end.
C'mon Barry. I'm rooting for you.
Woo-woo.

Hilarious commentary from Kriegel's "learned baseball man" aside, I can't quite figure out why sportswriters keep writing about how they're tired of writing about Bonds. Take last night's game, for example. You know, the Dodgers/Giants rivalry, the fact that the Dodgers are a first place team, the great GAME that actually took place around the Bonds circus, et. al., all could have inspired this douchebag to write something meaningful. Alas, he just wanted to write about the man who he didn't want to write about.

I've got an idea for Mark Kriegel: STOP GOING TO THE FRIGGIN' GAMES!!! Unbelievable.

9-year-old kid recruited by Man Utd; Parents everywhere dream of early retirement

I just had a seizure upon learning the news that a 9-year-old from Australia was recruited by Manchester United. Man U went after the little tike after seeing his video on youtube. No contract has been offered at this time, but groupies throughout London are putting on their best push-up bras, shortest skirts, and lining up to... tell him that the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist?

And we thought Freddy Adu was young.

"Manchester United is proud of its history of developing talented young players, and invests considerable time and resources into trying to find the best young players of the future," the club said in a statement.

The club went on to say, "Sure, he's light years away from puberty, emotional maturity, acne, thinking girls have something other than cooties, enjoying a pint at a pub, understanding what the term "work ethic" means, understanding that monopoly money can't buy stuff in the real world, understanding that he can't really be Batman when he grows up, being able to say the word 'bollocks,' understanding the teamwork concept, or even wiping his own ass... but we think this kid has a chance to be something special."

Donnie Nickey, What the Hell is Wrong with You?

Damn, Donnie. You really need to chill out, my brother. I'm starting to worry about your health. Just about this time last year, you were picking a fight with LenDale White...and now this. Have you not seen the new Madden cover? I mean really. Be friggin' careful with the Franchise. You should probably be cut for this.

You're lucky Pacman wasn't there. They might have killed you, son.