Thursday, May 31, 2007

Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory of the Coming of LeBron

He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword.
His truth is marching on, bitches.

Let the Hero, born of woman, crush the serpent with His heel,
Since Bron is marching on.

(slow down to half-time...cue inspiring snare drum and piccalo)

He has sounded forth the trumpet that shall never call retreat;
He is sifting out the hearts of men before His judgment seat;
Oh, be swift, my soul, to answer Him! be jubilant, my feet;


GLOOOOOOOORY....(you know the rest)

Crown that man with many crowns.

Classic performance. On the road in Detroit. Just awesome. The whole damn world was already talking about the Spurs/Pistons Final.

I wonder whom Detroit will pick up this summer to (try to) guard His Highness next year? Or will they be to proud?

(Yeah, yeah, yeah...he still needs to win a ring (and this series), yada, yada, yada...)

And was I tripping or did Damon friggin' Jones try to pull the whole "talk smack to the guy about to shoot a free throw" (to Webber in the 2nd OT) a la LeBron and Rip Hamilton?

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Grizzlies Hire Iavaroni

Sweet. Most Memphis fans (including myself) were hoping for this. After firing Mike Fratello last season following a 6-24 start, the Grizzlies employed a similar style of "run and gun" basketball under assistant-turned-head coach Barone. And we still lost a lot. But hey, it was more fun to lose 113-107 than 88-76, right?

Many thought Iavaroni would re-unite with Toronto Raptors GM Bryan Colangelo, as they worked together in Phoenix. But Toronto's Sam Mitchell earned Coach of the Year honors, so it would be weird to fire him.

In a week where our draft hopes shifted from Greg Oden/Kevin Durant to Brandan Wright/Al Horford/Yi Jianlian...we needed some good news.

Iavaroni is also 6'8", so he could definitely play the four.

Ramblings of Note

The second edition of "Ramblings of Note"...

Kissing Suzy Kolber says "Hello". (KSK)

Clever marketing has Vitamin Water (see: Kool-Aid + shot of B12) investors a little giddy. (Larry Brown Sports)

The NFL Players Association wrote a letter to Mr. Goodell in support of Pacman Jones. (...and the whole league might be suspended.) (Titans Online)

An early prediction concerning Brady Quinn. (Loser With Socks)

Are the Pistons playing up to their standard? (Need 4 Sheed)

Predators might stay in Nashville after all. (Signal to Noise)

Go leave a comment on Roger Goodell's Myspace. (Joe Sports Fan)

How are the Hawks going to screw up their draft? (The Big Lead)

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Now, Wait Just a Second...

Ummmm, okay. Since Roger Goodell suspended Pacman Jones for the season, I've had quite a few debates with various folks. Being a Titans fan, I'm undoubtedly biased in favor of Mr. Jones. It's plain and simple: he's a great player and we will miss him on the field.

My only point of debate is this: Pacman should not have received TWICE AS HARSH a suspension as Chris Henry. Period. Had Goodell given Pacman 8 games like he gave Henry, fine. Satisfied. Fair and balanced judgement. No arguments. See ya in week 10, Pacman.

Debating this issue has been somewhat of a "case study in media manipulation"...if you will. (and if you won't, then SCREW YOU BUDDY!)

We all know that "the evil media" will slant/exaggerate any story in order to make it appealing to us, their "believe everything you hear on TV" audience. As a direct result of this evil slanting, each of these scholarly debates I've had has begun with "clearing up the facts". For example, many believe that Pacman Jones has been arrested 10 times in the past year and a half. Why? Because every news story you hear says, "Pacman has been arrested and/or questioned by police 10 times in the past year and a half...", which is true. But most people only hear, "Pacman has been arrested 10 times in the past year and a half". And that's exactly what they want you to hear.

So last night I'm having another Pacman debate. This time with my good friend Trey in Georgia. Now, Trey is tough to win a debate with. He's very firm in his original stance, and would rather argue points he doesn't even believe before admitting defeat.

I'm making my usual points with Trey, namely that I don't understand how Goodell came up with his formula for suspensions. Then Trey argues, "I don't think Goodell is going to suspend Tank Johnson for as long (if at all) because he's already served his debt to society (meaning his jail sentence)".


Lot's of rebuttals come to mind...didn't even really know where to begin. All I know is Pacman would gladly serve 45 days in prison if it meant he could play this year. Only problem is...he hasn't been convicted of any crimes yet.

Trey also was wrong in thinking Tank had been forced to miss the Super Bowl because of all his troubles. I tried to tell him this, but no..."I bet on the game... I should know!" he says.

Last but not least...and no doubt my favorite of Trey's irrational points: "Somebody died because of Pacman's crimes...they just found some guns at Tank's house...he didn't shoot anyone or anything...that's a victimless crime".

Well, except for his bodyguard. Pretty sure he's considered a victim.

Let's just compare the big three (Pacman, Chris Henry, Tank Johnson)

Chris Henry:

Dec '05- pulled over for speeding, ganja found in his shoe, driving w/out a liscence or insurance.
Jan '06- arrested for multiple gun charges including concealment and assault with a firearm. May '06- investigated by police in connection with a sex crime (no charges filed)
Jun '06- DUI
Oct '06- suspended for two games for violating NFL substance abuse policy
Jan '07- pleaded guilty to charges of providing alcohol to minors

Summary: Four arrests, plead guilty the first three times to avoid jail time, his fourth resulted in him only serving 2 days of his 90-day jail term (many thought he'd have to serve the rest after the whole drug test false alarm the other day).

Pacman Jones:
Jul '05- arrested after punching a nightclub owner (acquitted)
Feb '06- arrested for possession of some Dank Buds. (still in court)
Mar '06- searched by police for suspicion of sticky-icky smoking. (no charges)
Aug '06- arrested for disorderly conduct and public intoxication after claiming a woman stole his wallet. Then he spit a big wad of snot on her face. (6 months probation)
Oct '06- arrested for misdemeanor assault for spitting in yet another woman's face at yet another nightclub. (acquitted)

*So there are the five arrests...two for smokin' chron, two for spittin' on a ho, and one for punching a night club owner who was probably hatin'.

Feb '07- Vegas thing that we have all heard about millions of times, yet no one knows what really happened. (no charges or arrests)

Summary: Five arrests, plea bargained the night club owner one, ZERO jail time. Oh, and the cops talked to him a couple other times, too.

Tank Johnson:
Nov '05- arrested at a nightclub for having a gun in his car (probation)
Feb '06- charged with aggravated assault and resisting arrest after verbally threatening a cop.
Dec '06- charged with weapons possession after police find six firearms, including two assault rifles, in Tank's crib. Tank wasn't there, so his bodyguard took the fall for the 2 ounces of "one-hitta-quitta" they found.
Dec '06- (two days later) Tank's scapegoat bodyguard shot and killed at a bar (similar to Pacman's Vegas situation in that Tank has never been charged with anything connected to this incident)

Summary: Three arrests, 45 days in jail.


Anyone else think Pacman deserves the same punishment as the other two?

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

NBA All Man-Child Team

While watching the sorry excuse for a Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals last night, my buddy Chris appropriately referred to Mr. LeBron James, right after a transition rim-rocker, as a "Man-Child". Such a fitting nickname...not only to LeBron, but a few other young beasts in the League as well. We were sitting there pounding some delicious Crown & Cokes when we began to wonder...which players would make up the current NBA All Man-Child Team. Not ever, but right now. 'Cause it's too hard to try and think back and remember who was a Man-Child a decade ago. I can remember Shawn Kemp and Shaq. They would no doubt make an All-Time All Man-Child Team if someone ever decided to crown one.

The criteria are somewhat self-explanatory. Bonus points were "awarded" to those who not only play like a Man Beast, but also possess facial features suggestive of at least four decades of life wear.

But today, these five men, all 24 years young or less, combine to form today's ALL MAN-CHILD TEAM (cue creepy organ music).

Amare Stoudemire
Born: November 1982

Other nicknames: STAT (Standing tall and talented), "Hellboy"(a Chuck Barkley original, I think), "Black Jesus"

Best finisher in the League? Many would say yes.

LeBron James
Born: December 1984

Other nicknames: King James, The Chosen One

Looked like a grown man entering the League at 19.
Played like one, too.

Dwight Howard
Born: December 1985

Other Nicknames: "Thunder", D-12"

Just. A. Specimen.

Chris Bosh
Born: March 1984
Other Nicknames: "CB4"
Emerged as one of the League elite this season.

Greg Oden
Born: January 1988 (allegedly)

Hasn't had a chance to prove his Man-Child status as an NBA player yet, but the guy looks like Robert Parrish ALREADY!

Monday, May 21, 2007

Rick Adleman lands in Houston; China excited to see Yao play offense

Holy crap.

I have to say this before I read it anywhere else. Rick Adleman is the perfect coach for Yao Ming. There was a reason why I used to say that Yao would be perfect for the Kings (other than him being great and all). It was because he was perfect for Adelman's offense.

It may take a season or two, but Yao is going to average 5 assists a game in the same high post offense that was run to perfection by Vlade Divac and C-Webb in Sacramento. Yao can pass, and if not for Jeff Van Gundy's steadfast refusal to let his team play anything remotely close to offense, the rest of the NBA world would be aware of this.

In moving from Van Gundy to Adelman, the Rockets are taking a 180 degree turn in style and the rest of the Western Conference would be wise to take notice. Adelman never could get the Kings over the hump, but the man can coach offense and Houston has all the weapons necessary to become a juggernaut in the mold of the Kings of the early-2000 years.

Congratulations, Houston. You just threw the first strike of the off-season.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Playoff Preview: Conference Finals Edition

What do San Antonio, Salt Lake City, Detroit and Cleveland have in common? They make the short list for Cities I Would Only Consider Moving to if I Were on Hallucinogens. But, hey, Sacramento is on that list to (sorry OZ), so what the hell does my opinion mean? That's right: Nothing.

Just about the only thing I know about San Antonio. Word has it that Bruce Bowen played a big part in the massacre at this place.

Oh yeah, those four cities also make up the Conference Finals.

San Antonio vs. Utah -- I'll admit it, I am rooting for Tim Duncan to win his fourth title. Primarily because I hate Kobe Bryant and I want Duncan to have more titles than the guy who dares give himself a moniker. Seriously, I will never get over the fact that The Mamba is a nickname that Bryant gave himself and that it is based off of a female character from a Tarentino movie. Never.

But I'll also admit that I despise Manu Ginobili, despite his strong season for my fantasy team. I despise Bruce Bowen as well and consider him the dirtiest player in the history of Western Civilization, or at least since John Stockton. And speaking of Utah, everybody is on the "Utah shouldn't be taken for granted, they're underrated!" kick right now. Which, naturally, begs the question: If everybody considers a team underrated, will Isiah Thomas give the team a seven-year extension AND a first round draft pick? (If Thomas doesn't make a run at Vince Carter this off-season, it's only because Dolan has duct-taped him to the basement of Madison Square Garden.)

Cleveland vs. Detroit -- Bill Simmons nailed it the other day when he said, "I dare anyone to come up with a "Top 10 Moments from the 2007 Eastern Conference Playoffs list. Go ahead. I dare you.." Pretty much sums up my feelings about the East.

You know what stings, and stings bad? Watching C-Webb play a critical complimentary role on a team that can win a championship. And you know what? He's not only doing a tremendous job, but he's totally accepted the fact that he's a complimentary player and a complimentary player only. Seriously, he's probably the fifth most important player on Detroit. The same could have been said in 2004 when he was with Sacramento, only he still thought he was "the man," despite the fact that the Kings would have been better if he started at PF for the Sacramento Country wheelchair AAU team, seeing as how he was playing on one leg at the time. (And if that makes me a bad person for saying that, so be it.)

You hear that Webber? That's the sound of championship dreams gone by.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Ranking the NBA playoff matchups: Semifinal edition

1. Golden State vs. Utah -- Just an entertaining series all around. I mean, is there a better mascot in the NBA right now than Baron Davis' beard? I think not. The Beard's posterization of AK-47 last night is the signature moment of the 2007 tournament and Golden State's run has been nothing short of incredible. However, if TNT sends Dick Stockton to call another Warriors/Jazz game, I'm going to take a lesson from Mike Vick and punch my dog in the face. Stockton is hoooooorible. I would rather listen to my son cry for 48 minutes that listen to Stockton absolutely butcher players names in specific and the English language in general (I mean, c'mon, Stephen Davis plays football, Dick!). He's starting to sound like a 90-year-old dementia patient after four or five shots of codeine. Here's a sampling from Stockton, "Utah Warriors coach, Jerry Nelson, said that Monte Pietktkluskosis needs to step it up. He also pointed out said that Bendrijsis needs to have a big night against Mehmet Boozer if the Mavs are going to have a shot of taking this back to Milwaukee."

2. Phoenix vs. San Antonio -- It's official, Bruce Bowen is a Grade-A Ass. He clearly tried to take out Amare Stoudemire's achillis the other night, as broken down beautifully by some random dudes who posted the replay on YouTube. Which gets me to my next point: We've reached an era in technology where you can't fart in public without the free-world knowing about it. I mean, when a couple of random dudes can TiVo a game and instantly post on a website a super slo-mo replay of Bruce Bowen pulling a Kill Bill maneuver on Amare's achillis, leading to millions of bloggers picking it up and running with it, all before ESPN can even think about writing that it was an "overreaction" by Stoudemire, you know we're in the midst of world-changing revolution. Then again, maybe I'm just way too into the book, The World is Flat by Thomas L. Friedman. (Great, great book. Can't say enough about it.)

Anyways, thoroughly entertaining series. If this one doesn't go 7, it'll be a crime. In fact, I'm positive that David Stern will have a ref killed if it doesn't go 7.

3. New Jersey vs. Cleveland -- If there is any justice in the world, Vince Carter will break his foot before the end of this series, leading to a brutal staff infection, which will require an amputation at the knee by month's end. If this dude gets a max-contract from any GM in the league, said GM will need to be drug out to the street and shot. I'm not even close to joking. I'm surprised a crazed Raptor fan didn't take him out in the Toronto series. Carter is one of the worst human beings in the history of America. I'm not even trying to use hyperbole here.

4. Chicago vs. Detroit -- So, yeah, maybe Chicago should have made a harder run at Pau Gasol. I watched a few moments of this game the other night bla bla bla bla bla. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Ramblings of Note

Why not put up links to other great posts? Exactly. Why. The Hell. Not!

What Peyton Manning really did on Derby Day. (Kissing Suzy Kolber)

Are the Atlanta Braves a bunch of racisits? (Nation of Islam Sportsblog)

Sondog knows you're gonna watch... (Bitterfans)

Durant vs. Oden (Bitterfans)

Greg Oden really IS an old bastard (Deadspin)

Pacman Jones's lawyers have compiled a list of every NFL player arrested since the year 2000. And it's long as hell.

Vote for the Best Sports Movie of All-Time and Hottest Girlfriend/Wife in Sports (Our Book of Scrap)

Speaking of hot...I heart Pole Vaulting (With Leather)

Pau Gasol - Should he stay or should he go? (David's Memphis Grizzlies Blog)

Ramblings of an Angry Fan (The Angry Fan)

Curt Schilling admits he is a douchebag (38Douchypitches)

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

No, Really...We're Not Going to Miss Drew Bennett


One would think the Titans lost the best friggin' wide-out in history. Folks just will not shut up about how "the Titans need to replace Drew Bennett" or "they really didn't do enough in the draft to replace Drew Bennett" or "Vince Young will be forced to run it every play next year because he lost the greatest receiver ever in Drew Bennett".


Side note: I just noticed on his Wiki bio that he and his friends memorized the movie Ghost in college. Ummmmm...that's probably the gayest thing I've ever heard. By far. I mean, why in hell would any rational group of people ever decide to do such a thing?

I love you....ditto.

All through the off-season the "experts" have been calling out Tennessee. They should sign Stallworth, maybe Welker, McCardell, what about Kelley Washington...he could maybe be good? Oooohh, we should go after Joe Horn! He was good back in the day! Kevin Curtis! No way the Titans sit around and let a guy like Kevin Curtis slip through the cracks. What? He signed with Philly for $32 million? Shut up. Who else...ahhh - Darrell Jackson. He and David Givens could hang out in the hospital together! Damn, too late. The Niners already snatched him and Ashley Lelie. Eric Moulds? Nope. Ah, hell, guess Tennessee will be forced to make a trade for Detroit's Mike Williams.

Well damn. There's always the draft, though...right? At pick #19 there are sure to be some quality WR's on the board....maybe Teddy Ginn?

...the Tennessee Titans select, Michael Griffin, Safety, from the University of Texas.

Sweet. Guy's gonna be a stud. But who will replace our MVP, Drew Bennett?

The writing geniuses over at SI seem to think Tennessee is "eyeing" Me-shawn. To be honest, I really don't care if we sign him or not. Yes, he'd be our #1 WR right away. Yes, his wife is smoking hot. But he's 34 and probably won't care too much about the future of the team he signs with for too much money. In reality, signing him could set our current young group of WR's back by limiting playing time. Or he could be a great mentor. No telling.

If a Michael Turner deal is still a possibility, that should be the main focus of the Titans. If Keyshawn can be signed for a reasonable price...hell, go for it. As long as it's not a 5-year deal.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Are we at a point where the words "Arrest" and "Artest" are synonymous?

As you have certainly heard by now, Ron Arrest received his sentence this week in a Placer County courtroom. Arrest, who's favorite pastime is general acts of chaotic douchbaggery (like, say, getting in trouble for hating his dogs), pleaded no contest in a domestic violence charge stemming from an early-March "incident" at his Loomis mansion.

The following is the leaked sealed testimony of the Arrest courtroom drama, as reported by the experts when it comes to reporting such news: the guys who wrote Game of Shadow: The story of us screwing with Barry Bonds:. Here's an excerpt from the newest new Game of Shadows:

As Barry Bonds hit another home run in San Francisco, millions of children across the world die another slow death. My son, Nosteroids, asked me recently, "Daddy, is Barry Bonds going to hell?" I had to reply with a sad, exasperated, "Yes, son. Yes he is. And he's sending all of us there as well." With each upcoming homerun, I fear my son will lose much of his childish innocence.

This point was hammered home in a a Placer County courtroom in late April as Sacramento Kings' star, Ron Artest, was sentenced for taking steroids (cleverly disguised as "domestic violence"). The cross-examination by the prosecution was compelling, to say the least.

Placer County District Attorney: "Mr. Artest, it is widely known that fits of rage are a common side effect of steroids. It's pretty well established that this is why you beat your wife, er, excuse me, "allegedly" beat your wife. So, did you get your steroids from Mr. Barry Lamar Bonds?

Artest: No. I pretty much beat her. Guilty as charged. What the hell else are you sayin'?

DA: Please answer the question Mr. Artest.

Artest: What? Didn't I just admit to being guilty of what you're charging me with, holmes?

Did you get the steroids from Mr. Bonds, sir?!

Artest: I hit my wife. Bitch wouldn't feed my dog. I don't know what the hell else you're babbling about, man.

DA: (turning to the judge) Your honor, will you please direct the witness to answer the question.

Judge: Please answer the question, Mr. Artest.

Artest: What... Fucking... What? No, I didn't get no steroids from Bonds. I don't even know the dude.

DA: Mr. Artest, may I remind you that you're under oath.

Artest: Listen, dickweed. I aint snitchin' on nobody. I didn't get no steroids from Bonds.

DA: You know that's a double negative? So, you do admit to using steroids then with Bonds?

Artest: Wwwhat?

DA: Did you deliver steroids to Mr. Bonds, Mr. Artest?

Artest: Damn foo. And people says that I'm crazy?

DA: How do you explain the $700 you made in 2006 that was not part of your NBA contract?

Artest: I sold a few LP's. About 50 of 'em. Iz about to blow up big though, yo.

DA: Mr. Artest, do you really expect this courtroom to believe you can rap?

Artest: Man, I'm bout to kick yo ass.


Artest: I'm surous man.

DA: Mr. Artest. Did you or did you not supply illicit performance enhancing drugs to Mr. Bonds.

Artest: (sits in stunned silence)

DA: Your honor, I would like the court to hold this man in contempt for not answering the question.

Artest: I didn't give Bonds no drugs man.

DA: But you're admitting that somebody gave Bonds drugs then?

Artest: I ain't no snitch, bitch.

Da: Will you at least admit that you think Bonds probably maybe certainly used drugs?

Artest: I thought this was about me?

DA: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I think that answers your question. Barry should not be allowed to break the homerun record.

Artest: What the fuck just happened here?

In the days the followed, Barry Bonds would continue to crush homers, despite the controversy that surrounded him in the Ron Artest case. With each day, America wept for it's children and turned away from the pure evil that was sure to pass Hank Aaron in the record books.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Mel Kiper Grades Like a Kindergarten Teacher

What's wrong, Mel? You talk such a big game, reaming the Dolphins, Titans, and Eagles (among others)- raving about how bad their picks were. And what grades do you give out to express your rabid disagreement? C minus? Oooooohhhh, not a C MINUS!

How do you expect these draft committees to learn from your scathing if you let them slide by with respectable grades? No D's? No F's? What, you don't want these kids in your class again next year, is that it? You're just gonna let them slide their way through life with no accountability whatsoever?

Come on, Mel. Grow some stones. For the children.