Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Wow, He Really Was Broke

by SonDog

Last week I commented on Scottie Pippen's "comeback." In that post, I made up a quote for Scottie that went something along the lines of, "I'm broke, biatch, I'm broke!!"

According to the Chicago Sun-Times:
  • Barely one week after Scottie Pippen announced he was hoping to end his three-year retirement from the NBA and make a comeback at 41, a major creditor lined up to collect on any big bucks the former Bulls star might earn.
  • It was reported Thursday that the Missouri Court of Appeals has upheld a ruling from last year in St. Louis County in which a judge agreed that Pippen owed U.S. Bank about $5.021 million in principal, interest and attorney fees from a dispute over a private jet and company Pippen once owned.
  • ''That's all part of some litigation that has been on the table for some time,'' Pippen told the Sun-Times on Thursday from his home in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. ''I really don't have any more comment on it. My lawyer and I are still working to resolve it.''
  • Pippen said the charter-plane issue is one of many poor business decisions that were made primarily by a former agent, whom he blames for causing him to lose about $27 million in bad investments and questionable accounting. Pippen sued his former law firm in 2005, claiming he had been swindled, but he lost the case.

Um, can I at least sign a 10-day contract?

Wonderlic This.

by the butler

I don't use my little B.S. in PSYCHOlogy degree for all kinds of great reasons. All the psyhco-babble kept perpetuating. Downright ridiculous, really.

My measly non-post-grad (not remotely close to) expert opinion would suggest that this here Wonderlic test:

A) Has a gay name to begin with.

B) Is neither valid nor reliable.

C) Does not indicate which QB's will be any good.

Let's just take a look at how past players have done. Oh yeah, the very first thing stated is that we can't even be sure that these numbers are right. No one really cares anyway so let's just pretend they are for a second.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you:

The "I Scored High on the Wonderlic" Hall of Fame:
Steve Young (33), Troy Aikman (29), Matt Hasselbeck (29), Tom Brady (33)

The "I Scored Low on the Wonderlic" Hall of Fame:
Dan Marino (14), Randall Cunningham (15), Brett Favre (22), Donovan McNabb (12, 16), Steve McNair (15)

The "I Scored High on the Wonderlic" and Still Suck(ed):
Brian Griese (39), Rex Grossman (29), Quincy Carter (30), Jason Maas (43), Rick Mirer (31)

The "I Scored Low on the Wonderlic" and am now playing in Canada or Yugoslavia (0r maybe running for a Congressional seat) if I'm lucky:
Oscar Davenport (6), Heath Shuler (16), Jeff George (10), Tee Martin (11)

Cool. So everyone remembers last year's Vince Young Wonderlic fuss, right? Well, here we go again. I don't know why a National Championship ring can't speak louder than a damn geometry quiz. Hell, Chris Leak ought to be excited to mirror any sort of performance by Vince Young. He should proudly point to his 8 (which supposedly denotes illiteracy) while hinting that maybe his on-the-field play will also follow Vince Young's shining example. Uhhhhh, right. That would only work if the NFL scouts were scoring 8's themselves.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

So Easy A Caveman Could Do It

by SonDog

Vlad Radmanovic. You Dumb Bastard.

This week's YDB Award goes to the Serbian Snowboarding Soooooooonotaliar. Snowboarding is a pretty enjoyable activity. It's not terribly difficult to learn, unless you are 6'10", 235 pounds of Serbian manhood who doubles as the guy in the Geico commercials. Oh, and you're in the middle of the first season of a 2many-year, $2many- million contract for the Los Angeles Lakers.

I'll take the roast duck, with the mango salsa.

You see, it turns out Vlad didn't separate his shoulder over the all-star break by slipping on ice while on vacation in Park City, Utah (as he originally told the Lakers).


He separated his shoulder by falling on it while snowboarding. And now, his conscience is getting the best of him. Poor guy. If you read his press release, you could quickly decipher one thing: Tim Hardaway wouldn't want to share a locker room with Vadimir Radmanovic.

Okay, okay, okay. So, I was going huge in the pipe, and then, BAM! Next thing I know I'm chatting up Chaz in the ER and getting a sling. Damn bro, it was sick. I mean... uh... I mean... I feel really bad about this, Coach Jackson. Really bad.

So, if you were too lazy to click the link, here is all you need to know about Vlad's statement:

"I lied about what happened, but I just couldn't keep it to myself. I did a silly thing by snowboarding -- and then I panicked about what was going to happen. I felt really bad about it. I let my teammates down and the whole organization down by not letting them know what really happened. So yesterday I decided to step forward and bring out the truth, no matter what the consequences, and I'm glad I did it. I don't want to be a liar. It's not something that I am. It's embarrassing. I hope people will have some understanding and some forgiveness for it."

Vlad, rest easily. You are not a liar. But you certainly are a Dumb Bastard. And snowboarding is not a "silly thing," you hairy caveman, you.

Vlade shaved just moments before this press conference. Moments later he tried snowboarding.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Battling TH Syndrome

by the butler

The NBA is politically friggin' correct, my friends. Oh yes, don't even think about accusing the league of anything to the contrary. No homophobes here, folks! No way. The NBA LOVES gay people, dammit! Don't pay attention to Tim Hardaway. He didn't even really mean HATE. That was really taken out of context, you know. And to prove it, we the citizens of the NBA will show as much man-love to each other as possible this weekend. After all, how in hell could the League survive if it lost all of its gay fans? We'll even feature this most-likely gay entertainer, and these for-sure gay magicians.

The gayest moment of the night may have been when Shaq dunked on T-Mac, then kissed him. One logically follows the other I guess.

Oh yeah, it was also gay to keep Dwight Howard out of the Dunk Contest Finals after his "sticker-dunk". That dunk was not gay at all. Waaayyy heterosexual (except maybe for the Bible verse written on it...not that there's anything wrong with that).

Friday, February 16, 2007


by SonDog

Tim Hardaway will only slap straight guy ass and he wants the world, and the United States, to know it.

I Would Like to be Friends With It

by SonDog

Forgot to mention yesterday that I came across the 2007 Sports Illustraded online Swimsuit issue. Once again, Marissa Miller was greatful enough to grace us with her presence. She is probably my favorite model ever. Like, of all-time. Anyways, here's a link to what I will be looking at for the next three days. And yes, LeseDog completely understands and in no way was our conversation about my dream about Marissa Miller in anyway awkward.

Yes, that's Sacramento Kings body paint. It's just her way of letting me know she cares.

Scottie, You're Kidding... Right?

by SonDog
The first thought that comes to mind is... Wait... what?

Let's say you're the Phoenix Suns and you are in need of another player, preferably a seasoned veteran, to come off the bench and provide depth. Maybe a solid 10-15 minutes a game... play within the up-tempo flow... some semblance of defense... basically fill a void until Marion or Diaw can come back into the game. Would you even for a moment consider bringing Scottie Pippen on board?

According to a report in the Chicago Tribune, Pippen would consider coming out of retirement for the right situation. He's quoted as saying, "Taking this break, it feels amazing. I'm looking at somewhere I could play maybe 15 minutes. I'm not trying to be a big-money guy or anything, [just trying to] get with a team I can help in the playoffs."

Pippen goes on to say, "I mean, don't get me wrong, the money would be nice. Seriously, what other motivation would I have? I mean, I've basically blown my load the last few years on gambling with Mike, so I'm kind of screwed. I'm broke bitch!!! Really, I'll play point-forward for food at this juncture. I was good once, you know?"

Pippen, with empty hands.

What, were B.J. Armstrong and Will Perdue not available? Pippen's last year in the NBA was an injury-plagued 2003-2004 campaign in which he looked incredibly old. Like, really man. Really, really oooooooold. I see a comeback ending badly. Like shattered kneecap or prostate surgery-bad.

The sure-fire Hall of Famer is 41 now and claims to be in the best shape of his life. Not sure it it is all thanks to Bowflex. But I know from the commercials that for just $29.99 a month and 30 minutes three times a week, you can get in the best shape of your life too, all from the #1 home-gym in America... Bowflex.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

YDB Award

by SonDog

I love athletes. And I love stupidity. And when the two combine? In the immortal words of Dane Cook, it's enough for me to... well, you get the point.

With this in mind, I've decided to start a new award. The naming choices were down to my favorite line from Anchorman ("OK Champ, why don't you just stop talking for a while") and Tuesday's "That's what Carlos Zambrano thinks" classic. I thought about meshing the two and creating the "Carlos Zambrano thinks Carlos Zambrano should just stop talking for a while" award. We could even shorten it to the CZTCZSJSTFAW Award.

On second thought, that's pretty stupid. We need something shorter. What if we called it the Captain Douchebaggery Award? How about "Douchebag McJackass Award?" What about, "Shut Your Freakin' Pie-Hole Award?"

Today's winner is former NBA All-Star, Tim Hardaway. Tim Hardaway... You dumb bastard.

(THAT'S IT!! It's the "You Dumb Bastard Award.")

Hardaway used to be known primarily for his crippling killer cross-over. Now he's going to be best known for his crippling lack of comprehension with regards to when he should shut his pie-hole.

The former Golden State Warrior and Miami Heat player, in all his kind of like, you know, I mean, elloquent glory, said in response to a question about playing with a gay player, "I hate gay people."

Wait, it gets better.

He then went on to say, "I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."

It should be noted that the United States of America is indeed in the world, but that's besides the point. Look, I don't care if Tim Hardaway hates gay people. That's not the point of this award. We all say stuf that we immediately regret. Not often is it that ignorant and repulsive, but we all have been guilty of saying dumb stuff. I say stupid crap all the time, but usually I'm talking to my border collie after about 7 Jack n' Cokes. In other words, it's all about context. Maybe Hardaway was drunk and he thought Dan LeBetard (the reporter who asked the question) was a border collie named Rocky. Who knows.

I don't know, maybe Timmy just needs to watch a little more Will and Grace, or at the very least join the Republican Party (that was a joke -- take it easy there C-lo). But if I'm John Amechi (the reason for the question), I'm absolutely thrilled that Hardaway said this. It does two things: 1) Makes Hardaway look like a Dumb Bastard, and 2) Sells A LOT more books for John Amechi.

Regardless, from here on out Timmy can cozy up to a bar next to Michael Richards, Carlos Zambrano and Floyd "It was the whiskey I drank the night before" Landis in the You Dumb Bastard Hall of Fame.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

OK...Prince is our Running Back

by the butler

Whoa. I know many of you have been enthralled with Anna Nicole and other major news stories lately, but I felt I should make sure everyone understood the incredible goings on within the Houston Texans' camp.

As if the Texans needed another reason to throw themselves from a rediculously high cliff. Another event that would suggest even more strongly, if at all possible, that the Mario Williams pick was the worst move ever in recorded human history.
"But we have Domanick Davis..."

Or do you?

You thought you had Double D., but no. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the starting running back for the Houston Texans:

"I wasn't really a Davis, it's my oldest brother's dad's last name. And whatever happened, I ended up with Davis."

Right. So now you're Domanick Williams, and since you're about one bazillionth as famous as Prince, people everywhere will continue to have never heard of you. And thanks in advance for all the lame jokes that are sure to be cracked at Fantasy Football drafts across the nation. I can already see that one douchebag every league inevitibly has saying, "ha ha, you picked a guy who doesn't exist...ha ha you should have bought 19 magazines like me...ha ha". Eat a dick. The least you could do is change your name to something cool, like Machiavelli McNinja or something.

My favorite part of the article has to be the quote from teammate Dunta Robinson, (who by the way has no reason to comment on other people's names) saying, "He changed his hair, his clothes and his name. I hope he changes his knee, too."

So I guess Texans fans can throw this away...

"That's what Carlos Zambrano thinks"

by SonDog

Do you know what national holiday is this week? It's not Valentine's Day, I'll tell you that. Nope. It's the start of Spring Training! Just writing that sentence made me as giddy as a little school girl.

One of the great aspects of Spring Training is that the players are not quite in mid-season form. Why is this great? Because they give ridiculous sound bites without somebody in the next locker saying, "Okay Champ. Why don't you just stop talking for a while?"

Case in point: Carlos Zambrano of the Chicago Cubs.

My favorite Zambrano quote, "If they don't sign me, sorry, but I must go. That's what Carlos Zambrano thinks."

Carlos Zambrano apparantly likes Carlos Zambrano. From here on out, be prepared to see this quote in many of my baseball posts. Why? Because that's what Carlos Zambrano thinks.

Baseball is back.

Mardi Gras and my Fiance'

First off, let me say that I am "sorry" for not posting a lot lately. I have been busy and sick and well, these are just excuses. Sorry. I will try to post more often. One reason I do not post a lot is because I am not really a good poster. IO don't know how to do the thing where some phrases are highlighted and are links. That is so COOL! I also have no idea how to post pictures. I need to get someone to so me these things......anyway, here is a topic for discussion.

Mardi Gras. Have you ever been? I have. Nine years ago. I was a kid. 19 at the time. I had heard all of the stories. Here is mine.

I drove down on a thursday afternoon, (5ish I think) with a fraternity brother of mine. He was from the great city of New Orleans. he was going to take me to my first Mardi Gras and show me the ropes. I was so damn excited. We drove non-stop for 14 hours. 1000 miles basicly. With his puppy in the back seat. Which meant that we had to stop every 2 hours to walk the dog. Anyway, it was a ton of fun. I never knew that there were so many parades. That is a bigger event than Burbon St. Basicly the whole town shuts down for a month. Here are a few things that happened to me when I was there. I had a girl piss on my foot within the first 5 minutes of being on Burbon St. I saw more boobies that I needed to. Really. After 2 days I was tired of seeing boobs. I never thought that would happen. I made out with many drunk ladies. I also had 2 girls write there name on my balls (yes, my balls) with a felt tip marker. I also saw girls getting grabbed and molested. Not cool at all. Anyway, here is my issue.

This friday me and my finace' are going to New Orleans for a wedding. She is in it. This weekend is the biggest weekend before Mardi Gras. Should I lay some ground rules? I would rather her not flash everyone (I don't think she will but should I ask anyway?). Am I out of place to ask this? I am pretty sure we will be too busy to go to Burbon St. But I am just trying to cover all my bases. What do you guys and girls think?


Sunday, February 11, 2007

Replacing Beckham?

by SonDog

I did not play soccer as a youngster. In fact, my entire soccer experience consists of the two days during my senior year that I participated in my high school's soccer tryout, at the behest of my buddy NaceDog. I use the term "participated" very loosly. It was more like, "run around and try not to make an ass out of myself."
At any rate, soccer has increased tenfold in popularity in the states since that time. Couple that with the fact that my son has English citizenship (I have plans to send him to "summer camp" in England when he is old enough -- G-Pop, be ready), I have no doubt that he will soon be calling "football" one of his favorite sports.

My English brother-in-law (Simon) loves soccer. His favorite team is the Bolton Wonderers. In addition to putting me on notice that we will watch a game in person when we are overseas in April, Simon thought it best to get J-Pup educated on "real football" at a young age. So, for Christmas, Simon bought Jackson his own Bolton uniform.

The arrival of Beckham to the states has piqued my curiosity about soccer. I may even take Jackson to a Colorado Rapids game this year, who knows (only if we can fit it in between Home Depot and Bed Bath and Beyond. I don't know if we'll have time!). I do know that I'm looking forward to watching my son play soccer one of these days, screaming around the pitch with the skill of a true Englishman. Or at least, that's how I envision it happening. Regardless, I just wanted to share with my loyal readers (all two of you) the most recent picture of my future soccer player... (insert "awwwwww" sound-track here):

Jackson K. Future English Premier League superstar

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Durant and Oden

by SonDog

-- Great article today in the San Francisco Chronicle on where Kevin Durant stacks up against the greatest freshman players in history. There are two Sacramento Kings listed in the top-10. Shareef Abdur-Rahim, who was a beast in his only season at Cal, and Waymon Tisdale, who is better known now for his skills with a guitar.

-- As much as I've gushed over Durant, it should take nothing away from Greg Oden. Oden looks like a cross between Patrick Ewing and Deke Mutombo. Either way, somebody is going to get an All-Star center.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

XLI Diary

SonDog & the butler

Do you know what the Charlotte Bobcats and the Milwuakee Bucks have in common?: We don't care about either team.

Do you know what the Indianapolis Colts and Chicago Bears have in common?: Eeeeeeeexactly.

Therefore, since we don't have a rooting interest in either team, the butler and I decided to keep a running diary while we celebrated at our buddy Chip's palace.

4:17 PM -- And we have the first CBS technical difficulty of the night. The NFL on CBS: it's like 60 Minutes on morphine.

4:20 -- What the hell was with Tillman's eyes? Did you see that? Seriously, it looked like Puggy Tillman was on a combination of dangerous drugs, resulting in the biggest pupils television cameras have ever witnessed . Hopefully he doesn't kill somebody during the game. Or, hopefully he does.

4:25 -- Hey, did you know that both of these coaches are black? No, really, they are. I expect to hear this 47 times during the night.

4:27 -- The coin toss: Hey, Dan Marino lost 45 pounds using NutraSystem. Comment from the room: "He looks creepy."

4:30 -- Jim Nantz just said, "The Colts have had trouble with kick returns all year long." So, I say to nobody in particular, "They better not kick the ball to Devin Hester."

4:31 -- Devin Hester just returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown. Unbelievable. So predictable that I even predicted it.

4:42 -- (Manning pick on opening Colts drive) His wittle thumb huwts...awwwwww.

4:44 -- Shot time.

4:47 -- 53-yd bomb to Wayne, who had no Bear within a mile of him. "There's that cover-zero that worked so well against Steve Smith last year..."

4:51 -- Fumble by the Bears on the kickoff. Good things happen when you don't kick it to Devin Hester.

4:51.5 -- Fumble by Addai on the first play. Jesus, that Miami rain. Oh yeah, no need to block Alex Brown.

4:55 -- Touchdown to Mushin by Rexy. REXTACY!!!!!!!

4:56 -- MOST DISTURBING SNICKERS COMMERCIAL EVER!!! Everyone in the party just puked up a meatball / crab dip combination.

5:00 -- Quite possibly the worst Chevy commercial of all time. Wait... I forgot about "This is ouuuuuuur country."

5:03 -- Do... Not... Kick... The... Ball... To... Devin... Hester.

5:05 -- Fumble by Cedrik Benson. Two things here: 1) Why the hell are the Bears playing Benson? Are they saving Jones for next week? 2) These two teams are playing hot potato with the ball. Four first quarter turnovers. Jesus. HOLD ON TO THE FOOTBALL!!! On a related note, CBS just showed some guy in a Texas Longhorns hat get up to go to the bathroom. I'd buy another hat too.

5:31 -- Chevy needs to fire their entire marketing department. Seriously, they have essentially wasted around $100 million so far and it's not even halfway through the second quarter.

5:35 -- Aaaaaand we're drunk.

5:40 -- Touchdown by Rhodes. CBS manages to screw up the camera work for the tenth time tonight. Quote from Reed, "Who is the production manager on this fucking CBS fucking shit."


5:45 -- We're reminded again that Prince is the halftime "entertainment." What, was Fleetwood Mack not available? Did Simon and Garfunkel turn them down?

5:46 -- Chevy uses the movie Short Circuit as inspiration for a commercial. How dumb. Have we mentioned that they need to fire their marketing department?

5:50 -- And Sprint gives us a good commercial! Connectile Dysfunction. Clever. Thank you, Sprint. Thank You.

5:51 -- Fumble by Fletcher. He couldn't handle the mighty mighty pupils of Tillman

5:51.5 -- Rexy gives it right back. Is it too late to call Trent Dilfer?

5:54 -- So what was the over/under on # of commercials celebrating black history? And why wasn't Tony Dungy or Lovie Smith involved in that one? Did you know they're both black?

5:57 -- Mr. Clutch, no way he misses this one...DOH!

6:15 -- (SonDog) Prince. Awesome. and gay. And wierd. So, why Prince again?

6:20 -- (the butler) Whatever man...Prince is a bona-friggin-fide Legend.

6:26 -- Butler: "I bet the Colts score a TD on their first drive here to put the Bears on the ropes."

6:36 -- Colts called for a false start in the red zone, Simms says "you can't make any movements or sudden motions not related to the game of football" Um... what?

6:39 -- Damn, prediction wrong for the butler...Clutch McGee adds three more.

6:48 -- Bad things happen when Rex Grossman is asked to... do anything.

6:50 -- I'm out of analogies. These have been some piss-poor commercials tonight. Piss-poor.

6:52 -- Simms says, "I don't have the official numbers in front of me, but the Chicago Bears like to blitz." Um... what?

7:00 -- After another Vinatieri field goal, Indy commits a personal foul on the kickoff. Chicago has great field position. They also have Rex Grossman. So field position doesn't really mean much.

7:20 -- Grossman shoots a jump shot towards God. Calvin Hayden intercepts it instead. The officials are reviewing the play to see if Hayden was out of bounds after the pick. If Hayden is out, we still have a game. If he's in, this game is over (return for TD).

On this note, why don't the officials get to view the replay on a big-screen with HD? Instead they have to look at it through a ViewMaster straight from one of the ref's kids? Somebody get Best Buy on the phone for a sponsorship opportunity.

7:22 -- Hayden wasn't out of bounds. TD Indy. This game is oooooooooover.

7:25 -- SonDog just spilled his whiskey all over Chip's floor. Laughter ensues. The glass didn't break. Refill the glass. Pour more whiskey. Late to work tomorrow. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

7:31 -- Holy God. Grossman is pathetic. How much black-tar heroin is he gonna need to boot in the off-season to abolish this memory?

7:38 -- Can Grossman be the MVP of the game for Indy? Seriously, who else had more of an impact on Indy winning this game?

7:47 -- I can already see the bazillion commercials that are going to be on for the next year...I bet Peyton could win a House seat in Indy after this.

7:58 -- Here comes the Gatorade shower. Oh they whiffed on Dungy and just connected like a homing missle on the other guy, who I think is the offensive coordinator.

8:05 -- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, we're out.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Snub Fest

by SonDog

Melo and Josh Howard were snubbed. Both should be on that team, and unless David Stern plays the vengance card ("brawl" in NY, feud with Cuban), they are no-brainer injury selections for Carlos Boozer and Yao Ming.

Unless, that is, Kevin Durant can be named as an injury replacement. He deserves to go as well, just to get a jump on his NBA career.

If Melo is dissed as an injury replacement, the NBA's leading scorer will be the first player with a scoring average over 30 to not be selected. That would be a travesty. I know he was suspended 15 games, but isn't that the punishment for the brawl? Does he deserve more punishment on top of the suspension? The kid was just named USA basketball's Player of the Year, and Stern would leave him off the All-Star team over something that he already punished him for? Travesty. Sham. Mockery. Travishamockery.

Sexiness, personified. All-Stars, both of them. In theory.

And how does Dallas, the team with the NBA's best record, have only one player on the roster? I know the Western Conference is deep, but c'mon! Howard has to be selected.

Tony Parker? Tony Parker? We should at least get to see Eva Longoria naked for that selection. Somebody get Hugh Hefner in touch with David Stern, like right now.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Man Crush

by SonDog

I will freely admit that I have become an unabashed Kevin Durant stalker. If the Texas frosh was a woman, I would go up to her in a bar and say, "Hey, you're not by chance going to be walking to your car alone later, are you? Because I'll be over here in the corner watching you all night."

If he were a woman... nevermind

Durant dropped 37 points last night against a tough Texas Tech team. He chipped in 23 boards for good measure, AND he brought sexy back - in the basketball sense of the word. Just the prospect of the Kings landing this kid makes me... well, it makes me... ooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The debate at the moment is: Greg Oden or Kevin Durant as the #1 pick? We haven't seen the best of Oden to this point, but Durant reminds me more and more of a better version of T-Mac... and Oden looks like he's really 47.