Thursday, January 31, 2008


I'm a single dad. I tend to hit the sack pretty early since my son, who is 3, can't go to bed alone. It's a remnant of his younger days that, if I had to do over again, I would try to change. It is, as Todd Bertuzzi once said, what it is. So I am used to going to bed not just early, but fucking early.

So it was, on the night of January 31, 2008, that bh laid down in bed to watch the season premier of Lost. I don't have the kid tonight, but I knew my body would begin its decompression around 8:15. "That's alright," I naively thought, knowing I'd be into the show and thus, able to power through my body's clock. Having not looked into it, I believed ABC's "2 Hour Event" meant I would be watching a two-hour season premier. Instead, I'm watching a goddamn recap of the first three seasons?! Fucking dammit! I know what happened during the first three seasons! I've watched! Fuck the fucking clip show, please. The reason Lost is rad is because you have to pay attention to everything. If you don't, your lost (pun fucking intended, goddammit). So who needs the recap? Newcomers? Newfuckingcomers? They can rent the DVD's. Fucking ABC and their 2-Hour Event misleading bullshit. Clip shows are cheap. I get it. Sons of bitches.

So now I'm trying to sit through The Good German until 9. I don't know what George Clonney's supposed to be doing in this fucking thing. Cate Blanchett just plugged a Russian guy in the head while he was raping her, so that was kind of cool.

It might have been time

So this dead whale that has been rotting on a beach outside San Francisco for seven months was buried today. It took seven months to notice something needed to be done. People have been complaining and all that, but evidently the smell reached the necessary seven month stink threshold. I like the part where it took seven months to do something. Now the public works director from Pacifica acts like it's no big deal, saying "We've been getting calls, and the smell is bad and it's affecting our residents, so we figured we might as well deal with it."

I may have noticed

MHR is undergoing a few minor changes. Obviously, the layout looks a little different. You'll also notice we are beginning to run Google ads, which as we all know attempt to tailor ads to content, and should add a little flavor when we write something like "farmer run turd crop," or "two-end eruption after appletini beer bong." There may be a few more changes over the next week as we, tinker with things.

Busted Kneecap

Found this* at LWS. Perdy durn tootin' gud.

Found this** at Deadspin.

*Yeah, I'm still a fucking moron because I don't have the patience to wait for a video to load onto the MHR page.

**That, and I don't really know how to embed a video anyway.

Am I in an alternate universe?

Seriously. Run by 14 year-old girls. The second headline on this morning is "Brady calls out Burress." A story from two days ago. In which Brady jokingly had fun with Burress's 23-17 prediction. Called out? Isn't the Super Bowl a) big enough that we don't need to attempt to stretch to inject fake drama, and b) already so significantly less about football than a normal matchup that we might want to actually focus on actual football, not the soap opera bullshit?

Despite having just kind of acquired Johan Santana, the Mets have to prove themselves on the field. Insightful, hmmm, yes. George Vecsey knows it's his responsibility to remind everyone that whatever hope Mets fans feel right now, they lost last year and might lose this year. Well done sir. (New York Times)

More nauseating fluffy bunny crap from Plaschke, meant to be read while listening to the music from the end of We Are Marshall. Some of it is about football. (Los Angeles Times)

Barry Bonds' locker at Pac Bell might be taken over by the Giants' equipment guy. Apparently there is some significant meaning here, but I don't know what it is. (San Francisco Chronicle)

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

There is no, nor should there be, any debate...right now

Joe Montana kicks the shit out of Tom Brady regarding the subject of best Super Bowl Quarterback, which is the topic of the moment for the "WWL." Brady's SB MVP awards, which are often cited as evidence that Brady belongs in the discussion, are irrelevant, as are Montana's.

It's reasonable to expect that Brady is going to have a good game this weekend. Probably better than his 2001 performance in which he had a 59.3 completion percentage, 145 yards, 1 TD, and an 86.2 rating. Montana's worst game wouldn't take out the trash for an 86 QB rating. Like Brady, Joe's worst game also got him an MVP award in '81, when he had a 63.6 completion percentage, 157 yards, 1 TD and a 100.0 rating. Not counting Montana's best TD game (5 in '89), he threw 6 TD's to 0 INT's. Brady stands at 6/1.


Not counting his best yardage game (357 in '88), Montana threw for 785 yards. Brady has thrown for 735 yards. Montana played three games with a better QB rating than Brady's best (110.2), and Montana's worst (100) is closer to Brady's best than his worst. When Brady's Super Bowl stats are compared to Montana's, omitting Montana's best performance, the two are similar. But Montana did have a better game. For Brady to be allowed to be mentioned in the same breath as the farts that come from Montana's beautiful, glorious golden asshole though, he will need to have somewhere near the game Montana had in the '89 Super Bowl, when he completed 75.9% of his passes for 297 yards, 5 TD's, and a QB rating of 147.6. If he plays the way he did against Jacksonville in the divisional round, maybe. If he plays the way he did against San Diego in the AFC Championship, no way. Brady's a stud, but Montana was the Stud Club's president.

ESPN's Stable of Douchebaggery

Found this at The Big Lead. My favorite quote from the piece refers to Captain Douche, Sean Salisbury:

A squinty, flat-topped Biff Tannen clone, Sean Salisbury is a walking reminder of why you quit the football team before the junior year of high school.

Who are these Mannings who play football?

More Manning ball-washing, this time out of the Denver Post. Oh god this is so much of the same nauseating horseshit, it makes me want to throw up horse shit, which I'm going to find and eat after having read piece. The clowns who write this crap must believe that, a)no one has ever covered the Manning family angle before, b)no one has ever tried to explain that Eli is not Peyton or Archie, or c)they've always known Eli was going to be great, because he's just a regular kid trying to fill some big shoes and has never received any special treatment because he's Archie's kid or Peyton's brother and that probably means that his road to the NFL and Super Bowl has been even tougher than most guys and now it's just great that the "aw shucks" kid who loves his mom and put up with all those thoughtless doubters could now be laughing in their faces but since he's just such a great kid it would never even occur to him to do such a thing. I get it. I totally do. It's pretty cool, in fact historical, that Peyon played in the Super Bowl last season and Eli is in it this year, but fuck. Can we please stop with the deification of the Mannings, or at least the off the field version. The Mannings who play football are great at football. Why would I spend my time giving a teeny shit about how awesome they have always been off the field? Sports coverage, it seems, should be reserved for sports.

What is the definition of 'took'?

Lost season premier tomorrow night. Yeefuckingha.

Apparently Andy Pettite will tell Congress he and Roger Clemens discussed Clemens' house...with Brian McNamee present. (

Clemens showed up at Astros camp today, but wouldn't answer questions regarding steroids, HGH, or his Senate trip next week. (San Francisco Chronicle)

John Edwards has, or at least intends to drop out of the Democratic Presidential race. No surprise really, since he's been, at best, infrequently mentioned and frequently disregarded in polls. If Edwards is going to endorse anyone, I hope he doesn't do the standard chicken-shit politician thing in which he waits until someone's gotten the nomination to endorse the candidate. (New York Times)

It seems Plaxico Burress is pissing off Tom Coughlin. My favorite quote from the story comes from Mike Vrabel though. On Burress's prediction: “We do things differently. I’m from the school of do more and say less.” Classic sucker-punch Patriots bullshit. "We don't talk through the media, but here's a little dig I'm going to give through the media." It reminds me of Vrabel doing some faux-Eagle chicken dance thing after scoring a touchdown against Philadelphia three years ago. (New York Times)

Geez, Plaschke, Give me a break. Fuck, this story has been written all season. Randy Moss was a punk, but now he's not. Whoooooooooaaaaaaaaaaa. I didn't fucking get it until clown hacks started dramatizing it. Moss has been resurgent, not only on the field, but in life. Flowers and smiley faces! Fluffy bullshit! Yaaaaaaaaayyy...what's that? Restraining order? Oh that doesn't matter. It doesn't really fit in the story. (Los Angeles Times)

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Mitt Romney: Racist Ass

Forgive the political talk.

It seems the Democrats have lost Florida in the general election. I can't come close to understanding why, in trying to win the White House, the party would willfully ignore an entire state's primary vote. Clinton wins in Florida, by a lot, but because the DNC decided to punish the state for moving its primary, no delgates will be awarded to the Clinton camp. Conceivably, Obama could receive the Democratic nomination, leaving Florida residents without having had any input and Republicans really, really happy.

And this video of Mitt Romney has surfaced. Seriously. Moron. Racist fucking moron. Clueless, jackass, fuckface, douchewad, clownfart, dickwad moron.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Cooper Manning sits at the kid table

New York Times, why do you do the ESPN thing? A story about Eli's closeness to a family member? It seems the Mannings are not just Eli, Peyton, Archie, and a cast of supporting characters. Well, they are, but those supporting characters, as we have learned from shows like Celebrity Apprentice and Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, really any celebrity show with the likes of some guy who did the lighting for Jay-Z one Saturday night in Los Angeles when his regular light guy was sick, they kind of have lives too. Turns out, the Manning duo was not immaculately conceived, miraculously born from Archie's womb. There is a mom who, apparently had more to do with raising Eli than Archie. No, this isn't made up. She actually exists, and has even been seen outside the Manning compound once or twice. I mean, it's Archie's arm and other physical gifts that make Eli an NFL quarterback. What else is there to raising a Manning, you ask? Yeah, I ask that too. But it was mom there when Peyton and Cooper went to college. What's that? Didn't know there was a Cooper Manning? Cooper played high school football, well, but was diagnosed with spinal stenosis after high school and never played in college. No, no. He probably doesn't cry himself to sleep every night. Yeah, most people don't know he exists, because really, he might as well not. ESPN left him out of that Sportscenter commercial and everything.

Need anyone else for the family picture? No?

So really, the joke of it all is that the media has been running with the Manning family thing for, well, forever. No, Cooper Manning doesn't play NFL football, nor does Olivia Manning, which makes them no different from the rest of the brothers, sisters and mothers who casual fans don't know exist. But when media tits embrace the nonsense that the Mannings are all just a corn-fed, football-playing dynasty, not only taking an interest in the family element, but amplifying and inflating it while simultaneously pretending the non-football elements don't exist, or worse, don't matter, it is hypocrisy. To expect anyone would, in most circumstances, pay any attention to an athlete's family is unreasonable. But when outlets like ESPN promote the Manning name, The Manning Family (Archie, Peyton, Eli), on a semi-nightly basis, seemingly relishing every single Manning achievement as though it were accomplished by an ESPN family member, it is reasonable for them to acknowledge that other Mannings exist. If the family angle is going to be so wholeheartedly pursued, then the whole family angle needs to be pursued. Instead, Olivia and Cooper are footnotes to the Manning story, superfluous and parenthetical, meant for stories written by girls and printed on day 8 of the Super Bowl break (see above Times link).

Do I really give a shit about Cooper or Olivia Manning? No. Should any of us? Probably not, aside from their being fellow humans and all. But I don't give a shit about any of the Mannings any more than I give a shit about anyone else not an actual member of my family or friend. I don't want to see video of Cooper or Olivia in the booth at a football game, but I don't want to see Archie or Peyton in that same booth either. So I guess the moral of the rant then has to be...QUIT FEEDING US MANNING FAMILY BULLSHIT! I LIKE FOOTBALL!

Two funny jokes

Celebrity pick from Gilbert Gottfried on KSK. Having seen The Aristocrats is helpful. A South Park version can be seen here.

Roger Clemens' agents have released The Roger Clemens Report in an ill-conceived attempt to further convince the three people who believe Clemens has been steroid-free throughout his career. The first problem though, is that it's called "The Roger Clemens Report."

(bh gags)

Clemens appears no more sympathetic or innocent than he has at any point since the Mitchell Report was released. The authors of this report assert that Clemens has experienced "largely unpredictable ups and downs that all major league pitchers endure in their careers (Pg. 6)." What is most telling about Clemens career, as has been argued ad nauseum, is the abrupt change between 1996, when Clemens was with Boston, and 1997, his first year in Toronto and, allegedly, his first year using any kind of steroid. We all know ERA is not the best measure of a pitcher, but all stats cited come from the most recent report:

1996 - 3.63 ERA, 257K, 106BB = 2.42 K/BB
1997 - 2.05 ERA, 292K, 68BB = 4.29 K/BB

The report suggests that 1996-'99 represented Clemens' peak as a pitcher (3), though with even a very quick glance at the report one recognizes 1996 should not be included in that statement. The report also suggests that ERA is affected by a pitcher's switch between leagues, though that does not address Clemens' precipitous drop in ERA and large increase in K/BB upon a switch to Skydome in 1997. While the authors imply that the stadium switch was partially responsible by alluding to the "hitter-friendly" nature of Fenway Park, they fail to provide a breakdown of Clemens' statistics away from Fenway, in pitcher-favored parks, or why Clemens was able to pitch well in 2004 through 2006 in hitter-friendly Minute-Maid, despite a switch to the N.L. One would think, at best the benefits derived from switching leagues might be overcome or at least cancelled out due to pitching in such a small stadium. The authors cite Clemens' 2004 through 2006 Houston resurgence was due to his being an "extemely experienced and knowledgable pitcher," who was "pitching for his hometown team for the first time in his career" (7). His 2006 success is attributed to his late-season start and not having to travel. Clemens' experience, knowledge, and motivation was worth a run per game ERA improvement between 2003 and 2004, and another run between 2004 and 2005.

The authors cite ERA Margin as a "sound and reliable measure of the quality of a starting pitcher's performance" (4). Clemens has experienced significant improvement in his ERA margin over the previous seasons in '85, '86, '90, '94, '96, '97, '00, '04, and '05, with jumps over 1 point better in '90, '94, '97, and '05. Interestingly, his ERA margin jumped a remarkable 1.03 points between 2004 and 2005, which cannot be explained through the authors' assertion that a drastic improvement can be achieved by switching leagues. Clemens was however still in tiny Minute-Maid Park. The authors also document the ERA margin over the careers of Curt Schilling, Randy Johnson, and Nolan Ryan. While they are successful in demonstrating he indeed a pitcher's ERA margin fluctuates some degree from year to year, charts also show that, unlike Clemens, Schilling and Johnson have sustained generally the same levels of quality over an extended period of time with fluctuations nowhere near the same level as Clemens, aside from during injury-plagued years. Ryan, the pitcher to whom Clemens is most often compared, also remains relatively stable, though not to the extent of Shilling or Johnson. Ryan's ERA margin represents a pitcher who pitched at the same level over extended periods of time with a year here or there which doesn't fit. Clemens, meanwhile spent between 1999 and 2003 performing below his career ERA margin, then suddenly achieved the next three years above and well above his average.

The bulk of the report, following the initial Clemens/Ryan/Shilling/Johnson breakdown, is a collection of information regarding Clemens' run-support (irrelevant), DL stints, circle-jerk based on Clemens' late '96 season through the beginning of '99 (coincidentally, the first Brian McNamee-influenced years), his overall '99 crumminess, his rebound (again, coinciding with McNamee involvement), Houston studliness, and again, New York crumminess.

In the end, this feels like a whole bunch of nothing meant to blind the public with a whole bunch of nothing. What do the statistics cited by the Hendricks' and the rest of the report's authors mean? Nothing. Other than that we know some of Clemens' best years, as demonstrated by the Clemens camp, came in some of the years in which McNamee, as demonstrated in the Mitchell Report, was very involved with Clemens. Clemens and his group of con-men have showed us repeatedly that they expect simply supplying some form of information, regardless of relevance or importance, will sway public opinion in his favor. Whether it was the McNamee phone call, which was as useless as this report, the "60 Minutes" interview, which was more damaging than anything Clemens has done, or Clemens' lawsuit against McNamee, which was a transparent attempt to avoid public Senate testimony and influence opinion even though there is no way the Clemens team wins the suit, nothing has persuaded us to believe this guy.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

The A's Hater

Billy Beane answered fan questions at yesterday's A's Fanfest, including, "Why'd you trade Nick Swisher," and "Why the fuck did you trade Nick Swisher?" (San Francisco Chronicle)

David Stern wants to keep the Kings in Sacramento. (Sacramento Bee)

Bill Plaschke wants to fondle the balls of Jesus, I mean, Tom Brady, but doesn't want to call him the greatest. (Los Angeles Times)

In an 'Around the Horn' double, I can't make sense of the first part of Woody Paige's column.

Friday, January 25, 2008

This Isn't News- ESPN Entry #3,428

Under the "News" section of is the heading, "Eli will play in multiple Super Bowls, Peyton says."

Christ. Can the "Worldwide Leader" stop with the Manning circle-jerk. Please?

Big brother Peyton, the current Super Bowl MVP, believes the Giants' run this year is no fluke and Eli is going to lead New York to a number of NFL championship games, possibly even one next year that will have both of Archie Manning's sons playing for the Lombardi Trophy.

Peyton Manning, who led Indianapolis to a Super Bowl title last year, spoke of the pride he feels for his brother, the difficulty in watching Eli play and the influence of their father.

I wasn't sure Eli Manning and Peyton Manning were related, but I'd always wondered. Now we find out Archie is their dad? It all makes sense now.

Guess what? I don't give a flying fuck what the hell Peyton thinks about anything, let alone how he feels when he watches his brother play or how much he loves his dad. I don't know the Mannings. Who cares about this shit? Who really fucking cares? The Manning mom? Maybe. Why, oh. God. why do media wonks think this fluffy bullshit, in which they try to exist vicariously through athletes or celebrities, passes as useful to the world?

Al Davis is who we thought he was!

'Ello. You 'ear 'bout 'iss crazy o' bugga in Oakland. 'Ee's troyin' to wreck 'is footbowl team.

Seriously though. I mean, come on. Come fucking on. No wonder the organization and everything connected to it is such a fucking joke right now. Al Davis hasn't even been able to stand by the people he's hired lately, which might tell the rest of us something about whether or not he should be making decisions. Evidently, Davis is pissed about a number of Kiffin-inspired matters, most notably that Kiffin insisted the Raiders trade Randy Moss to the Patriots for a 4th-round pick. Why didn't Davis, as the boss, have the balls to say no to the trade at that time, and why has he kind of, in an underhanded way, discovered his balls now? Because Moss had a good year? Yeah, I bet Kiffin regrets the move now too, but there's no telling what Moss would have done in Oakland. He obviously had something to offer, but it wasn't going to be rediscovered in a Raiders situation lacking structure and accountability, ripe with a built-in culture of player control.

So what the hell. Let's force the guy with new ideas and a new approach out because he has new ideas and a new approach, for a guy who's old ideas and old approach lead to little success in his last stop, and the later years of his previous one.


Less than a week until the new Lost.

This morning 'First Take' interviewed some kid from Providence who made a half court shot to win a car. The video playing throughout the entirety of the interview - the only video - was the kid making the shot. At least 20 times. Speaking of 'First Take,' the headlines they ran this morning came from the Boston Herald, Boston Globe, New York Post, New York Newsday. Nothing else going on anywhere.

The San Francisco Chronicle is reporting that Chris Webber and Don Nelson have talked, and C-Webb might show up in Oakland this season. Relationship-wise, the two didn't get along so well last time Webber was with Golden State, but that was 14 years ago. Nelson has grown old and C-Webb has grown...up? Older? Creakier? Is Webber done with the pouting part of his life? Who knows. Jim O'Brien maybe.

This is my grace, and I like snowboard Jesus best

Evidently more X-Gamers are getting spiritual. That's cool. I like that there are no "Jesus helped me win," quotes. (Denver Post)

Controversy surrounding the women's Austrailian Open Final? Yeah, Sharapova's dad is a giant douche. (LA Times)

Brian Sabean and Peter Magowan are fucked. It's crazy to think the Giants were the only team to enable steroid use, but these guys are going to bear the brunt of punishment. Bud Selig seems to be ignoring George Mitchell's recommendation that those named in his report go unpunished. (San Francisco Chronicle)

Alex Smith is fucked. I can see Mike Martz making Smith first few days in camp pretty miserable. Fourth coordinator in four years. I keep thinking of that Urban Meyer quote after Smith was drafted:

Alex is an extremely quick learner. However, he's a guy that, until he understands it, he is nonfunctional. He is a guy that, I keep hearing how Brett Favre kind of makes something out of nothing and is a person that runs around to make a play. Alex Smith is not that kind of player. Alex Smith is a person that, once he is taught, has to learn it all. He might struggle early, but once he gets it, he gets it.

An ESPNish guy rips on Mike and Mike

Found this at The Big Lead. I disagree with Jason Whitlock as often as I agree with him, but he's pretty right-on about the Mike and Mike Roast.

ESPN desperately wants you to believe Greenberg and Golic are big stars. They're not. If they were, they wouldn't have an F-list celebrity/assclown like Jacobson roasting them.

Well yeehaw, Mr. Whitlock. Didn't you kind of work for...oh, no matter. You sir, get +1 for using assclown in a sentence, but I have to take away points for thinking Greenberg and Golic aren't stars. Come on man, haven't you heard them on those Dominos commercials? Stars, dude. Stars. The only way they make it bigger is if Little Caesers starts running national ads again, with each guy saying "Pizza."

What the fuck is this shit?

Fox's Super Bowl Pregame? Ryan Seacrest? Guh. Thank God I haven't watched a Super Bowl pregame show since the Niners beat the Chargers in 1995. We've often rambled about championship events not being for sports fans, especially when Fox has gotten ahold of it. How about another notch in the no shit belt. This isn't just a bad idea, it's a bad fucking idea. And probably super boring until some clown who got his luxury box tickets from his cousin who's dad's neighbor's boss works for the Scottsdale Pepsi bottler says, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaa! Fuck the Patriots! Woooooooooooooooooofuckingwhoooooooooooooooo! Fuckin' Eli man!" on live television.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

A little love

Page 99 of this month's National Geographic features a picture of a hiker crossing a frozen lake on Mt. Shasta. Just below the picture's cutoff point, is a reclined bh, reading Into the Wild. It was just me and the hiker - a Mt. Shasta ranger - on that side of the mountain that day, and an NG helicopter was circling us for about a half hour taking pictures. So close.

What is this about?

At first, when there were rumors and reports that Dana Jacobson had been a little out of control with vodka and language during the Mike and Mike roast, it was a little funny. I watched 'First Take' wondering what a slobbering drunk and cussing Jacobson looked and sounded like. Then there were the reports about her saying "Fuck Touchdown Jesus," and whatnot. Funny still. But while being allowed on the air for the week following her contribution to the roast, Jacobson has been suspended. This is now old news, but as more media outlets are discovering what bloggers have been talking about for a week and a half, it's becoming harder to understand why she was suspended. Was it the level of intoxication? The cussing? We know she made a fool of herself, was booed offstage, and she has sounded countrite regarding her behavior, having apologized to many of her coworkers personally. That should have been enough if those were the reasons she was suspended. I mean, what the fuck is worse than having to do some modified walk of shame throughout the office, forever, knowing everyone, even the high-school intern who comes in for 5th and 6th period, knows you blew it, and now looks down on you. Was it the Touchdown Jesus/Notre Dame barrage? Notre Dame spokespeople have been asked to comment, and don't really seem concerned. But that ND people have been asked to comment seems to represent the reason for the suspension. What the fuck, I say? What the fuck? So some drunken asshole says drunken asshole shit about Notre Dame. Notre Dame isn't an actual extention of God's right hand. Touchdown Jesus isn't actually Jesus. Would she have been suspended for saying, "Fuck the Cardinal and their stupid fucking tree mascot?" It's hard to argue hypotheticals, but no, probably not. Is Notre Dame untouchable? My guess is that she was suspended for the combination, but I can't fugure out why she actually received it.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Two dirtiest teams argue about who's dirtiest team

Richard Seymour, responding to comments made by Chargers lineman Nick Hardwick, from the Boston Globe:

We were into it the whole game. I just wasn't taking any stuff. All of it came between the whistles. Me, I'm not going to go to the media and talk bad about someone. I take pride in not crying to the media about what goes on in the line of play. If I want to say something about that, I'm going to handle it on the field (emphasis mine).

There's no battle of words, but you can't attack my character.

There is nothing to hide. Whatever I did, it was between the whistles. Of course there is some pushing and shoving; it's a physical game. That's the way I play the game. There was nothing after the whistle, but it's a violent game and I play the game violently.

My thing is that if you're going to speak, please speak the truth. The film, if you look at the copy of the game that teams get, you can see what they were doing to me - pushing me over the pile, and all that stuff in the trenches. You can see it yourself. So for me, the proof is in the pudding. You judge a tree by its fruit.

We should commend Richard Seymour for not crying to the media about what went on in the AFC Championship Game.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

You knew some douche would write it

Brady and Favre in the Super Bowl? Ahhhh. So close. And now we just have to watch a better matchup. Bernie Lincicome of the Rocky Mountain News sounds pissed that he has to come up with something to write about. And really, really in love with Brett Favre. Really. And kind of a dismissive little shit.

Eli made that face

From today's, I wonder if editors find the worst pictures of Eli Manning to use, or if this is the best he keeps giving them. He's not an ugly guy, but he's either making a, "Guhuh, awm froom Musseppee," face or a, "Holy shit, I just saw a mountain lion attack a fawn right in front of me and eat it while it called out for its Mom and now I'm traumatized for life" face.

Stop the fist-pump!

Yes, she's hot. But I can't sit through a Maria Sharpova match. Well, I can't really watch an entire tennis match anyway, but I can't even watch her highlights. She's fist-pumping after every point. Then the camera's on her Dad who's fist-pumping after every point, except he stands up and yells too. Then I can't get her and her Dad fist-pumping out of my head when I'm trying to fist-pump while thinking about her. It's a viscious cycle.

Try those salty Holiday balls

Matt Holiday needs to get paid. Don't want to click on the link? The Post's Troy E. Renck's story goes like this:

-Matt Holiday doesn't worship himself like he deserves to be worshipped.
-The Rocks wouldn't have made the playoffs without him.
-Holiday wants years and money to stay with the Rockies. He just thinks it's fair.
-He has a Jesus robe in the closet, but he never wears it.
-Fans came to Coors when the Rockies got good...real late in the four games before the end of the season, but it was nice when they showed up.

Ooh, thanks Troy. That was nice. What's that on your ear?

Aren't we going to do away with this tired-writer template?

1. Personal stuff that illustrates he's just like you and me - Ah, his wife doesn't put up with his shit, just like my wife doesn't put up with my shit! He's got kids? Me too! He's just like me!

2. Why he's really better than you and me, like what he did last season - See, he could and should think he's better than you and me, but he's a great guy with a great wife who doesn't put up with his shit.

3. The guy just wants a little respect, and respect means he should get a 15-year, $726.3 million contract - That's not wrong, because he's really good and his teammates like him and he's unassuming and he can handle having all that guaranteed money because he's never going to get hurt and he's always going to produce because he's a great guy and his wife doesn't put up with any shit and he's got kids and he's just like me except somehow he buys the Cinnamon Toast Crunch made out of flakes of edible gold and gets to park in the good lot at Coors Field and the tiles on the bottom of his pool lare arranged to look like the stat sheet from that game against the Giants when he went 5 for 5 with two home runs and 7 RBI's and the liscense plate on his Escalade reads HRS4ME and he doesn't really take shits very often but when he does he goes in an upside-down toilet so his turds go straight to Heaven so all the angels can eat and keep up their strength so the rest of us can experience miracles. So, the Rocks should respect Matt Holiday.

All joking aside, the Rocks need to give Matt Holiday whatever he wants. He is Bonds sans steroids. That is, a brilliant thinker at the plate who can translate that into results.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Now they're all Jesus?

Latest from seminal hack, Gene Wojciechowski. Can we please stop trying to suck giant Patriot cock? For two weeks, can the media try to pretend that someone else has talked ad nauseum about the "Patriot Way" or that they are a family or stay in line for the sake of the team or some stupid bullshit? I know, we all know, the fourth part of God that is the New England Patriots is accomplishing something timeless and transcendent, to be pondered by the great thinkers of the 21st century and beyond. But please, please can you stop writing bullshit pieces written like they are going to be read to the "Shawshank Redemption" soundtrack?

Hey, look at this jackass

I'm not sure how to get a video to post, which might make me a jackass too. Anyway, this guy cracks me up. My favorite part is, "I feel ahsome now. I feel like paht uh duh Patriuhts now."

After a day's worth of championship decompression, maybe I've got things figured out...
-Al Harris has to let Plaxico Burress name his next kid.
-Brett Favre didn't have the worst game ever, but he definitely didn't help the Packers. He looked lost throughout the second half.
-The Patriots are winning, but it's hard to watch them play. At least when they were running the score up, it was fun to watch Brady throw the ball all over the field. Now, meh. It's ugly, boring football. Parity at its best. Of course they'll make it into the "Best Team Ever" discussion if they win the Super Bowl, but I don't think they belong*.
-I didn't really notice, for the first time ever, Joe Buck trying to dramatize a sporting event. He didn't go nuts talking about the cold or trying to force imaginary subplots. He did talk about the cold, a lot, but didn't try to turn the game into the Ice Bowl II.
-Philip Rivers is a stud. A fucking hateable, shitclown, douchebag stud.
-Lawrence Tynes had less to do with putting his team in a shitty spot than Tom Coughlin, and Tynes bailed Coughlin out.
-There are sports teams in New England and New York. Who knew?

And then there were two weeks for douchebag hacks to find stuff we don't care about on which to report.

*Yep, that's a *

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Cold football - 2nd half

This game sucks. Super cold crappy football is not as fun to watch as semi-cold good snow football. Green Bay has the lead, but has played like shit offensively.

And what the shit is up with the Fox crew's hats tonight? Cripes.

Dammit, those Burger King commercials are awful.

Al Harris just had an INT called back because of illegal contact. Hee hee, again.

It's funny how Brett Favre is portrayed as Mr. Cold Weather NFL. Right now he's stuffing hand-warmers in his head thermal thing. Balaclavah? Belaclavah? What's that thing called?

Yeah, Harris looks like a joke tonight.

Touchdown Brandon Jacobs. I seriously just said, "Please don't throw it at the play clock," as he was running through the endzone. If I were Jacobs, I wouldn't fake the Lambeau Leap, spike the ball, or do anything other than hand the ball to the official. He was totally bailed out by Boss after that fumble on 3rd down. These guys have an amazing ability to forget what just happened.

Who's on the "Become Legendary" Nike commercial? T.O.? Richard Hamilton? Ray Allen? Legandary? Ahunnoh. They're all good. But come on.

Morency is tackled from behind on a screen. WHO YOU TALKING TO NOW, BITCH!

Can someone tell me how Morency can throw a punch against Sam Madison on a block, and Madison is called for a personal foul?

The catch by Toomer should not be reversed. There is nothing there that would seem to allow it. And why is Mike McCarthy on the field to throw the red flag? Is that allowed?

Can we please do something brutal to announcers each time they explain that a quarterback manages or has managed a game well? Saying a quarterback is managing a game has more to do with expectaion than actually what's happening.

Interception Giants, which is then fumbled and recovered by Packers lineman Mark Tauscher. Pack kicks a field goal to make it 20-20.

"Mark Tauscher. A big reason the Packers regain the ball and tie the game at 20." - Buck

No, dude. He is the reason. He actually regained the ball.

Is the paint cracking on some of the Giants' helmets? That's cold.

Is Coughlin yelling at Tynes after the missed FG? What do you say? "Kick it through the uprights next time! Come on man! Do it right more! Don't you want to win! Come on! Do it the right way!"

Favre looks pretty bad tonight. You know this guy is going to go 3 for his last 17, but one of the three will go for 80 yards to win the game.

McQuarters just tried to hand the game to the Packers.

Is it going to take someone losing this game for someone else to win?

Wouldn't it be awesome if a coach tried to ice a kicker by not calling a timeout to ice the kicker?

Fox puts up a graphic with the names of the snapper, holder, and kicker. Thanks.

I'm blown away that Coughlin and the Giants sat on the ball once they got to the 20. Why not take a couple shots to get a little closer?

Aaron Kampman raises his hands like the Packers are going to the Super Bowl after Green Bay wins the coin toss. Idiot.

Favre OT interception - legendary

Tynes makes this field goal. Thank God. He would not be a Giant tomorrow if he'd missed.

So Eli is on his way to the Super Bowl. I can already hear the "If I were to tell you there would be a Manning in the Super Bowl..." nonsense.

Have a good time with that

Every time a team signs Brett Tomko, we laugh. We Giants fans, that is. It's reported that Gas Can has signed with Kansas City. That seems about right. I can't imagine any team that really thinks it's got a shot at accomplishing anything would sign The Flaming Fireball. No, the Yankees probably don't want a guy on the mound during the stretch run who's going to pitch way better once they've been eliminated.

Cold football - 1st half

Somebody, please, explain what his team is trying to accomplish in this game to Atari Bigby. If the guy you're supposed to be covering catches a ball for a first down, but you put a big hit on him, he still got the first down. You don't celebrate. You just missed a three-inch punt for par, you dumbass.

The officials are missing some blatant shit.

What the hell is wrong with Vernand Morency? Dude, what the hell is wrong with that guy? What a fucking idiot. He just did, as far as I could tell, nothing on punt coverage, talked to R.W. McQuarters, then acted like R.W.'s little shove was going to knock him down.

It's hard watching Green Bay tonight. They're kind of acting like jackasses. Like they're the big kid on the block for the first time, but they don't know how to handle it.

I'm really in and out of this game. I love cold-weather football, but the combination of Giant Doucheclown and Mini Doucheclown, and the Packers acting like retards after every play is turning me off. I have completely changed my view of Green Bay. I can't root for these clowns. Hard to watch.

Fox just showed replays of Al Harris and some penalty-deserving antics against Plaxico Burress, but SuperTroy says Harris respects Burress. I don't know. I can't imagine I'd be such a dick to someone I respected. Then Burress goes for a big gain. Hee hee.

Why does Bigby get there just in time to lay a hit on a guy, but not in time to prevent a catch?

Does Eli have sex? I've wondered this several times.


Guh, I'm not really ready for this. It's like the perfect storm. Buck, Aikman, Favre. Sigh. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. I can't wait for the first time Buck says, "Favre...Jennings...third and two." Or the first time The Kid does a somersault over to a Packer cheerleader after a touchdown and dry humps her on the field while Buck explains, "You've got to love watching the fun Favre has out there." I don't know how long the sound is going to last, or if I'm actually going to turn up the volume at all. Okay...I think I'm ready.


My other choice is listening to my kid talk shit to me while he plays "Cars" on his Wii.

What is that thing on the Gillette Stadium field? It looks like an ancient Central American temple shooting flames or something. I notice it during every Pats' game, and it's ugly.

The Chargers have been stopping the Patriots so far, but can't do shit on offense.'s kind of boring, bad football. I can't really belive the Patriots are ever stopped by another team, so I'm not really sure if the Pats' offense is playing bad or Chargers are playing well on defense.

CBS just ran a graphic calling the Chargers' #1/2 receivers and Micheal Turner unexpected heroes. Sigh. Turner is averaging less than 4 ypc. Yes, he's filled in well, but hero?

Interception Quentin Jammer. ChristBrady's first 1st quarter posteseason int.

Rodney Harrison is so dirty. Always an extra shot. Rivers pass to the fullback goes incomplete, the FB falls down. Three steps later Harrison lands on top of him.

Rivers looks like Willis Reed walking around on the field. I'm glad he's at least giving it a shot.

"You said last week Phil you could see a look of fear in his (LT's) eyes not knowing (the extent of his injury." - Nantz

Seriously? Fear? Concern maybe. Fear? Simms does a lot of mind-reading during games.

Nantz says Norval told him Rivers is about the toughest kid he's ever been around. What Norval really said was, "He's as tough as anyone to be around."

Another San Diego FG. God the Pats are tough inside the 20.

Another New England punt. Man are they happy about punt coverage. No dude, the Super Bowl is next game.

Mike Vrabel just tripped Rivers, forcing an interception. Nice non-call. No mention from Simms or Nantz.

Rivers completes a perfect throw on a long out-route to Chambers, then throws a Romo-balloon for an interception. I can't figure this guy out. Norval can't figure this guy out.

3rd and 1 for San Diego with 16 seconds left. Rivers chucks it 15 yards out of bounds, and I think it's James Sanders who gives the incomplete signal like a) he's done something to cause the incompletion or b)it's unclear what's happened. Well done, sir.

Kaeding comes in for a FG. Nants says, "Belichick's going to ice him. Watch this," like it's coaching genius. Evidently Kaeding's got a suspect postseason kicking resume. "That's why Belichick called the time-out," says Simms. No, dude. Every coach has a brain fart as soon as a kicking runs onto the field and there is little time on the clock. Bill's a genius!!!

Okay, I'm so fucking sick of the "Can you hear me now" guy. I thought the first "Can you hear me now" commercial was pretty, um, I don't know, not very clever. But it stuck, unfortunately, and Verizon said, "Hey, this is our thing," and I hate them.

14-12 Patriots. The Chargers are going to need 8 more FG's to win this game. That might not happen.

BradyChrist thows an int in the endzone. Evidently it's his first in 215 redzone attempts, and it's his third interception on the day. Cromartie is drinking too much of the Cromartie Kool-Aid. He grabs the interception five yards deep and takes it the 4.

Richard Seymour knocks Rivers to the ground after a play, and should be flagged. Kind of. Rivers pulls a Vlade it seems, but you don't shove or lower a shoulder into the QB after a play. "Who knows what Rivers was saying to Seymour," says Simms. It doesn't matter. Rivers is a douche, but Phil Simms is a bigger douche.

Junior Seau became emotional when talking about what football means to him in the Simms/Nantz pregame meeting. I hate that shit. Fuck, I hate that shit. I don't give a shit about what these clowns think about anything. What's happening on the field?!!!

"The last two times [the Patriots have] had the football, Brady's known what to do with it." - Simms

What about the rest of the day, 'cause he kind of looked like Alex Smith.

Nantz says the Pats opening 91-yard drive of the year coincided with their tribute to the memory of a fallen teammate, thereby making their Super Bowl run foreordained? I hate this shit more than the other shit. Gaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!! There is no destiny or fate or anything like that in sports! There is no overarching meaning to any of this! It's all bullshit and entertainment and God is not writing new chapters of the Bible through the 2007-08 New England fucking Patriots.

Bad News

I've discovered this morning that my hair is receeding disproportionately.

So today is the real football fan's second best day of the year, after opening weekend. Yes, the Super Bowl is the Super Bowl, but we know it's not for football fans. It's for people who watch for the halftime show or commercials or food at parties or to sound like all of the sudden they know that this Hester guy is good or there is reason to demonstrate some newfound devotion to someone. The game is secondary. It used to mean something, but it's gotten too big. It's hollow, plastic, superficial. Run by people at networks who aren't interested in football.

The conference championships, yes, the conference championships, are the football fan's treat. It's really the last hope for cold-weather football; for a game uninterrupted by meaningless bullshit. The game isn't precedded by a week or two of overwhelming media annoyance. There is no Nickelodeon personality trying to get close to Tank Johnson to ask some obscure question about Timmy Turner's archenemy. There is no sideshow. There is mostly football. I mean, there's always the bullshit story like "Brett gives back to orphans," or "Tom feeds stray cats after games," or "Shawne isn't bad because of steroids because he came from a crummy situation and could have turned out a lot worse like some sort of killer so steroid use isn't really that bad," but we football fans don't really care about that stuff, and we don't pay attention because this is the last week of real football.

Today I have no allegiance. I really, really, really don't want to see a Brady/Favre matchup in the Super Bowl. Oh shit I don't want to see that. The legend vs. legend stories we'll see and hear. Guh. But I really don't want to see that Merriman sack abortion thing in the Super Bowl either. I don't ever want to see a team from New York do anything, but I would rather watch Eli shove something up the asses of all the guys who think he sucks than see Favre act like a 4 year-old on the field.

Friday, January 18, 2008

I laughed twice and almost puked once

The first laugh and almost puke came watching 2 girls 1 cup for the first time. Holy shit. Hole. E. Shit. that's just about the grossest thing I've ever seen. No, it is the grossest thing I've ever seen. I didn't think I could be shocked at this point in my life, but holy shit. Oooooooooooooohhhhh holy shit. I go from waxing peotic about Bobby fucking Fischer to watching that? America, you present such opportunities.

The second laugh was this from KSK. Very funny, and much more...less gross.

Searching for Bobby Fischer

So Bobby Fischer died. Justifiably included in Fischer bios today and the rest of the weekend will be his more recent crazy Jew-hate tangents. The "Chess-Playing Cartman (CPC)," we should call him. But really, he is being remembered for his chess accomplishments more than his later-in-life rants about a global Jewish conspiracy. I wasn't alive in 1972 when Fischer beat Boris Spassky in Reykjavik, but I know what it meant. Any time an American beat the Soviets at anything, we loved it. Soviets were cold and logical, while Americans were loud, flamboyant hip-shooters. The majority of Americans didn't care about chess. We just cared about beating the commies at something. Anything. Chess, basketball, luge, whatever. And Americans relished it because we knew, just knew, that every Soviet man, woman and child was glued to to some crummy, state-built television, pinning their sense of being on Igor Poltagnovik beating Joe Dinkleweiner in some obscure Olympic clash. Every Soviet athletic defeat suffered at the hands of an American was another blow, however small, to the communist psyche. To us, they worked and worked and worked to ensure that the Americans would not beat them. Yet Americans did win. Sometimes. And if an American lost to a Soviet, life went on for us. Because we were the capitalists with millions of other forms of entertainment. We'd be sad that the U.S. Hockey Team had been beaten, but life went on and we'd find something else to root for. But they died a little each time an American won. They trolled around wearing tattered Soviet rags, kicking cans on dirt streets in some world of grays. You just knew it. And you loved it.

Then there was Bobby Fischer. An American beating a Soviet at something so thoughtful and logical was the ultimate kick in the Premier's balls. The story goes that in their '72 meeting, Fischer acted like a turd. He only agreed to the match after making several demands regarding the setting's environment - not the Al Gore environment, but lighting and such - then freaked out when cameras televising the proceedings were in the wrong spot. Fischer ultimately took the match after losing the first two games. To the Soviets, it was a Pac-10 team throwing the ball all over the field to beat Wisconsin instead of lining up and playing smash-mouth the way it was supposed to be done. I've always been cynical about the role of sport in the real world. I don't think Jesse Owens winning in Berlin meant anything to the Nazis. I didn't think the NFL Network needed to show the Patriots' final regular season game because there was any historical significance. But Fischer beating Spassky was historical.

Of course, the rest of the public Fischer story is not very romantic. He was reclusive, only emerging occasionally as CPC to rail against the Jews or chess-playing computers or spicy mustard on hot dogs. Fischer was a loud, eccentric, paranoid, racist nut, at least toward the end of his life. But the vast majority of Americans gave him a free pass because he had changed the world. We've always forgiven the trespasses of those we see as great men, or at least looked the other way. Whether it was George Washington as slave owner, John F. Kennedy as womanizer, Hemingway as lunatic, Clinton as liar, or Brett Favre as 4 year-old. We want them to be hero, wholly, not only in one part of their lives. So we remember that Washington crossed the Potomac and freed his slaves when he died, and JFK was a good dad who came up with cute nicknames for his kids, and Papa is in Havanna puffing a cigar somewhere because The Old Man and the Sea was amazing, and the evil Republicans impeached Clinton because he'd had an affair, and Favre is just showing the boyish spirit we all love. And Bobby Fischer beat the Soviets at something they held dear. More than that, they knew they were the best at. And he was a hero to us. He inspired one of the great sports movies of all time, if you want to be liberal with your definition of sport. No one remembers who Fischer beat in '72, but they knew his name.

Thursday, January 17, 2008


Pats fans back Moss. Derrrrrrrrrrrrr. I'm a Giants fan. I've been hawking that innocent-until-proven-guilty-because-he-helps-the-team bullshit for...forever.

But seriously, I'm too tired to pretend worked up about it. I took the kid skiing for the first time today. Well, that's not true, but it was the first time he's actually skied at a ski area. I took him to Mt. Shasta a couple Thursday's ago, which was the day the West Coast Perfect Storm started. We did not make it to the park. I've got a two-wheel drive 4Runner, mostly for gas mileage, having traded my F-150 to my brother. When we got to Mt. Shasta City on that fateful Thursday, it was dumping. I rented the kid some skis, left the ski shop, and slid all over the road before stopping two miles later to put on chains. Getting the chains on sucked. I'd never put them on before, but there wasn't really an issue other than trying to do this shit in a cold fucking blizzard. Anyway, I got the chains on, started to pull away, and a hook on one of the chains broke, allowing the goddamn thing to wrap itself around my axle. I managed to pry the chain loose, get my shit together, drive back in to Mt. Shasta City, and purchase a hook so I could at least get home in the shitstorm. By the time I was ready to hit the road again, I was soaked, with no intention of making it to the park. We instead found a sloped parking lot at Mt. Shasta High School and skied that for a while.

Today though, we made it to the park. I don't think I actually rode a chairlift until I was 6, but my 3 year-old was all over it. Mostly, He pointed his skis downhill while between my legs, though not holding on to me. It was rad, but I'm fucking tired.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


I don't want "chewy" when I eat something from Taco Bell. Gum? Yes. Taffy? Yes. Taco? No. No. No. I don't want a chewy taco. You know what a chewy taco means? Too cooked. No. No, I can't do it. You know what else would be chewy? A dead rat in my taco. Or cat shit. And we've all got Taco Bells in our town who have suffered from the shit-in-the-beans or rat-in-the-beans or puke-in-the-beans stories. So I do not want something chewy from Taco Bell.

Like an oasis...

I thought Sondog and I were the only ones who really hated Roger Clemens, but read this from Deadspin, which liks to an Esquire article detailing the Rocket's douchebaggery.


Right now, right. now. on are the headlines, "Fins close to hiring Cowboys' Sparano as coach," and "Hawks receiver Branch to have surgery on ACL" (emphasis mine). Guh. Who writes these headlines? An 8th-grade intern? A nerdy 8th-grade intern? Every time I ever think about writing or saying "Hawks," or "Fins" in a blog or conversation, I want to punch myself in the nuts. And. AND! the sportsnation question is, "Which team gets your vote as Michigan's best team," with Michigan St., the Red Wings, the Pistons, and Tigers as choices.


Pluhmuduh. Ffffluglurn.


Aside from being a fucking retarded question, I think the main issue here is that it called the Sportsnation poll. Sports...nation. Nation. Nay. Shon. NAYFUCKINGSHON!! Pretend I like sports and don't give a flying fuck about this stupid-ass question.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Kind of funny

Found this video at Ballhype.

Can you imagine if T.O. had given the love he feels for Romo to Jeff Garcia or Donovan McNabb? His newfound expression of loyalty for ChristFavre is confusing.

Which game was that?

The Macworld Expo starts this week in San Francisco. I like my iPhone.

Is Wade Phillips safe in Dallas? If anyone can figure out the brain of Uncle Heavy Hand, please comment. Jean-Jacques Taylor of the DMN says Phillips' 0-4 playoff record needs no interpretation, and...AND, his Chargers' loss in last year's playoffs is his too (even though Phillips was hired largely based on what he did with the Chargers). It kind of does need interpretation though. Phillips didn't lose the game as much as Romo and Crayton did playing like shit against a third-string Giants secondary. Yes, Phillips is 0-4 in the playoffs and this team was supposed to be be better, but the playoffs are no joke, and actually compiling a good playoff record is proving difficult, especially if you take teams that aren't really good enough to be there anyway, like Phillips has aside from this season. The 1993 Broncos were 9-7 and faced a 10-6 Raiders team. The 1998 Bills lost to a Dolphins team with the same record, coached by Jimmy Johnson. No shame in that. The '99 Bills were 11-5 but lost that Music City Miracle game to a 13-3 Titans team who went to and almost won the Super Bowl that year. I guess if the argument is that Phillips is not going to lead a team that is supposed to lose to unexpected victory, well maybe you're right. The issue with the Cowboys is not Phillips. It's that Romo has been iffy for the past number of weeks. He is not ready to be this stud who has seemingly, and undeservingly, been annointed The FavreChrist. He wilted and panicked. There has been a huge effort that started during the game and continued throughout last night and this morning to blame anyone but Romo. The media can't slobber all over Romo's knob all season citing him as the reason for the Cowboys' success only to blame everyone else when Dallas loses. It's Jessica or Mexico or linemen or drops or...anything other than Romo floating balloons and missing open guys and throwing off his back foot and finishing 18-36 for 201 yards, as many TD's and sacks, and a rating of 64.7. Joe Montana isn't walking through that door fans. Brett Favre isn't walking through that door.

Scouts Inc's take on the Giants/Cowboys divisional game? Whuh? "A well-played game?" Huh? Did you watch Romo? Can I work for Scouts Inc? I hear you don't actually have to watch the game to do work there.

So this guy with no legs can't compete in the Olympics. It seems harsh, but I agree with the ruling, though maybe not all the reasons cited. The reality? Not everyone can do anything. It stinks that Pistorius was born without the ability to run on his own legs, and I'd like to think I have true, real respect for what he has done to this point. But if the Olympics has been clear on one thing throughout its history, it's that you are only allowed to bring what you've been given in the genetic lottery.


On First Take, Dana Jacobson just said 25 year-old Ryan Grant wasn't the only kid on the field for the Packers on Sunday. 38 year-old Brett Favre blah, blah, blah...*

Incidentally, Dana is sitting in a pool of drool.

Favre's little snowball throwing bullshit was stupid. He's always been a good-situation asshole on the field, but it's been turned up a notch this season. Pick up and run with Greg Jennings? High five the referee multiple fives? Snowballs? Guh. Favre doesn't look like a kid, unless that kid is about to get a lecture from his dad for acting like a showing-up-the-other-team douche. Seriously, if my kid did that on the field, he wouldn't see the rest of the game.

*Yeah, I watch First Take some mornings. I can take Dana and Sage and Jay waaaaaaaaaaaaaay easier than Stuart Scott or the other clown on the "WWL." And Skip Bayless is nuts - I've written posts documenting this indisputable fact - but I like him (and he was the journalist who cried "steroids" way before anyone else).

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Thank God for Goose

Tonight's AMC's premier is "Top Gun." It hasn't really held up like a few other 80's movies. When I say that, I mean it was awesome to an 8 year-old BH in 1986. I had the video game and everything. I think it was the first time I was aware of french kissing in a film. But now I recognize its shortcomings. Was the Navy accepting 4'7" pilots twenty years ago? I noticed tonight for the first time that it is a Bruckheimer film. Guh. No wonder. What a piece of crap. Man, Kelly McGillis lets Maverick have it in the bar, what with ripping on his singing ability. Ouch. The movie is so Bruckheimeresque I want to puke. Maverick has a reputation for buzzing the tower, disobeying orders, aggravating... wait. Oh. Is that why he's called Maverick? Shit. I like how there's no real military protocol. Perhaps I'm most pissed that I know Tom Cruise got Katie Holmes to make little Cruise babies due to this role.

I'll probably watch the whole thing.

4th quarter Cowboys/Giants game

Brandon Jacobs chucks the ball at the play clock? I know the whole throwing the ball at an opponent's banner or something is tired, but what's the significance? First of all, it really shows a lot of, I don't know, vigor. Like the throw was vigorous. Secondly, why risk the penalty for the play clock? Maybe it's starting late or something when the Cowboys have the ball.

Okay, I've listened to a little of the Buckman call, and it sucks. To hear the giant doucheclown and mini doucheclown, it's all about the receivers dropping balls, not anything Jessiromo is doing. I know there have been some drops, but hell man.

"Tony Romo is human too." - SuperTroy

Christ. I mean, Romo.

This is our country. Evidently. It's awesome how they have a bunch of white people doing white people things. I know Chevy is trying to sell pickups to my Grandpa, but come on. Chevy's still hanging in there though with Mellencamp. I think they want it to be the next "Like a Rock," but that sucked too. Only less so.

Patrick Crayton can't hold on to shit.

The Mac/PC commercials are heading downhill. Too bad. They were clever for a while, and I know they're still effective, but the good part about them originally was you kind of bought the idea that the PC guy was really a PC guy.

Romo was just sacked for a huge loss. WHO YOU SCREAMING AT NOW, BITCH!! After his last sack, a close-up showed him yell, "Let's go!" to someone. Excellent motivation, if I may say so.

Man, the Giants can't stop shit on 3rd down. Ope, penalty on Dallas. Wow, Romo complains like an Ainge. He might end up leading the Cowboys to a win, but he looks like he's unravelling. If this were a baseball game, Romo's whiny bitch-ass would have been tossed for showing up the officials throughout this series. He really looks like a weiner right now.

Romo just threw a hot air balloon up in the vicinity of Terrell Owens. Mini doucheclown says the issue was Romo not being given time in the pocket, even though he was set and able to throw unimpeded before being hit.

3-and-out for the Giants. Dammit Coughlin and your Norval approach to lead-holding conservativism. If Romo is able to lead the Cowboys to a win, it's going to be a shame for so many reasons. He's played like shit, yet the ball-slobberers will be all over the obvious. God, a Romo-led win would make ESPN's job easier.

Budweiser gives me super-farts, which isn't really an issue for me, but it also tastes like shit, regardless of whether thay call it a lager or have Colbert/Carrellneuveau tell me it's beechwood aged or cold-filtered or jizzed in by Joe Buck.

Romo flips the ball to Witten for a first, followed by a Romo-Favre back-to-back replay. Tony Romo is not Brett Favre. Tony Romo is not Brett Favre. Tony Romo is not Brett Favre. Tony Romo is not Brett Favre. Christ, er, Romo.

I'm going to cry tears of anti-joy if the Cowboys win this game.

Boy, Romo just missed Crayton open in the endzone.

Interception. Romo is 0-2 in the playoffs. To quote the immortal Joe Buck, "And the legend of Tony Romo continues to grow."

Pam Oliver post-game to Eli, "What's going through your mind right now."

Goosh. Oops. That was my brain escaping my head by way of my ear. Eli's response, predicably: "Cliche, cliche, cliche, 110%, gut-check, cliche, blah, blah, blah."

No. No way.

I'm not watching the Cowboys/Giants game with the sound on. I don't think Joe Buck likes football. I think he likes paychecks and blowjobs, both of which he receives more of being the face of Fox douchebaggery.

I freely admit I'm intrigued by Cloverfield, but my interest is tempered on two levels. 1) I know you're not going to be able to see whatever is terrifying the good citizens of Abramsville until some time late in the proceedings, and B) anyone who's seen the special features on Season 1 of Lost knows J.J. Abrams is a douche.

Ongoing awesomeness

Vincent Jackson just scored to make the Colts/Chargers game 7-7.

"Jackson looked like he was about 7 feet tall right there." - Dierdorf

Well, he starts at 6'5" and had to jump, so.... Excellent analysis.

The Burger King commercials are obnoxious. Are they working? They inspire me to avoid Burger King.

Took a shower, missed the Colts FG. Guh.

So, the Chargers are fucked if LT's out for any extended period (I just won the Dierdorf award for calling the obvious). The only reason Rivers looks tolerable is because of the threat of LT, although Micheal Turner's seeming capable. LT's on the bike now.

"LT's on the stationary trying to loosen up that knee." - Dierdorf

Fuck, is that what he's doing?

Wow, I can't believe pass-interference was called against the Indy DB covering Chris Chambers.

Why is Greg Gumbel laughing while replays of Bob Sanders taunting Nate Kaeding is showing?

That holding call on the interception return was rough. I got the feeling the guy falling had more to do with the call than an actual hold having occurred. Yeah, Norv, I think the officials are fucking with you too. Which is nice for some of us.

I'm still pissed it was Rodney Harrison who made that late pick against Garrard last night. I'd have rather seen Tom Brady come in on defense, make the pick, drop his pants, and get a blow on the field from Phil Simms while getting fingered in the ass by Jim Nantz. I hate Rodney Harrison.

Micheal Turner is a stud, and Rivers looks less and less like a turd trying sprout an arm and throw a knuckleball. Maybe I was wrong about the Chargers being screwed without LT part.

There's this sense of inevitability when Manning goes back to throw. You know he's going to find someone, whether it's his first option or just-signed from the practice squad Tinkle Flannigan reporting as an elligible tackle. This Manning guy might make it.

Holy shit that was the craziest interception I've ever seen a D-lineman make. It's going to be overturned, I think. But hell, that was an unbelievable catchish trap thing.

Whoa, they didn't even look at it. Oh, and I guess it was Weddell, not a d-lineman. Maybe that makes up for the holding call on the Cromartie return.

Reggie Wayne is a stud.

"What an amazing change of direction by Wayne." - Gumbel; okay, this is a paraphrase, but no shit. I watched it. What is your job?

Uh, why are Colts special teamers hopping around after tackling Darren Sproles at the 25? He started five yards deep and made it past the 20.

Goddammit, Rivers. Why now are you getting good?

And then you throw one at a lineman's back.

Sproles is fast. Holy shit did he look like Reggie Bush in his USC days. Damn. I don't think 1998 Randy Moss was that fast.

Did Rivers just pull a Gramatica? What an asshole.

Can't we announce the "Punt, Pass, and Kick" shit when I'm not trying to watch a football game? Fuck. Fuck. What the fuck is this shit?

So this morning I found out that the girl I've been trying to build a rapport with at my favorite coffee shop has a boyfriend. Dammit. God dammit.

If a ball is uncatchable, pass interference can still be called apparently.

San Diego's defense has turned into shit all of the sudden. This game has screeched to a boring halt. Pass interference, personal foul, holding. Guh. I like how Dierdorf said the personal foul was inadvertent because a lineman would never punch a guy in the head. Spoken like a true lineman.

So Billy Volek is in. San Diego could head to New England with a Turner/Sproles/Volek trio. Fack that should be a good game. At least Rivers just ran to the bench from the locker room. The San Diego D is going to have to come up huge if they want to win this game.

Chargers just went three-and-out. Screwed.

The guy on the Fred Flintstone Geico commercial who says, "Mr. Flint pays well..." played the robot, Sonny, in iRobot.

Can we please penalize receivers for looking for a penalty flag every time they don't catch a pass?

I just did some pushups while in the middle of working through a Guinness because Guinness gives you strength.

Does anyone expect the Gonzales review to go the other way? Gonzales (sp?) could have licked the boundary and the play would have stood. Anyone want to see a Brady/Manning matchup next weekend?

"San Diego really short-handed. No Tomlinson, no Rivers." - Dierdorf

No shit.

Is Rivers going to talk shit from the bench while his offense is on the field?

"What else can you say about this San Diego Charger football team?" - Dierdorf


Volek-led TD drive?

Aside from those three plays at the beginning of the 4th quarter, this is the best game I've seen this year.

4th and 5 for the Colts with 3+ minutes left. Even if they don't get the 1st down, I don't think this game is over. Dierdorf thinks the Colts are going for it rather than kicking the field goal because Dungy doesn't think the Colts D can stop the Chargers. Yes. That and and they are down by four and Vinatieri would be trying a 53 yards shot.

"What a throw and what a catch by Clark." - Gumbel

Pretty standard all the way around really, considering the Colts make that same play FIFTEEN TIMES A GAME!

Incomplete on 4th and goal for the Colts. 2:01 left, which is bad luck for the Chargers, since the clock will stop regardless of their next play. The Chargers' D was pretty happy they stopped the Colts on 4th, but this game is not over.

Thank God Norval runs the ball up the gut to milk the clock. Three runs for 7 yards. Brilliant. Brill fucking yant.

Dierdorf is right when he says these two teams have beat the crap out of each other and it will have an effect on next week's game, but I don't think New England is all that thrilled. It's not like there are noodly boobs filling in.

Is Phillip talking? What a jackass.

I'm a jackass for believing the Chargers were done when LT and Rivers went out.


I'm rooting for the Colts more than the Chargers, but fuck that non-reversal on the Rivers interception was a fucking joke. If the ball is slipping around in his hands, HE DOESN'T HAVE POSSESSION! This year more than any other seems to have included more fucked-up, blown reviews than any previous year. And what's really pissing me off is that the NFL seems to have instructed its officials to explain why or why not a reversal has been made, yet most of the referee's explanations turn out to be total bullshit. Don't placate me, Gerry Austin. Don't fucking tell me the DB had control when I can see that he did not.

I think Dan Dierdorf just said Peyton Manning's compettive juices are flowing because Tom Brady had a good game last night. Jesus. Jesus McFucking Thunderballs, Dierdorf. Are you serious?

I love the promos for tonight's "60 Minutes." "He looks like he just graduated high school, but he's the internet mogul who created Facebook." Dude, he's 23. I look like I just graduated high school and I'm almost 30. Big fucking deal. And "internet mogul?" Is this 1998? Criminey!

My Dad and I are brewing our second batch of beer this morning. It's a stout this go-round.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

We don't need no boundaries

I don't think Rodney Harrison is a dirty player. I mean, I know he's got a reputation, having been voted dirtiest player in the NFL several times, but I think he's just misunderstood. To Rodney, the white parts on the sidelines are actually in play and there are really two seconds after ever play in which a play is till going. That's Rodney's game. He should have been called for the second late-hit personal foul on the Pats, not Samuel, but whatever. You wouldn't know it had happened at all watching and listening to Santz and Nimms. It just turns out that "youth is overrated," or so we heard over and over that Harrison told Nantz and Simms. No, HGH is miraculous you cheating, dirty fuck who should have been flagged at least four times tonight for late hits or taunting. By the way, that thing that sounded like squishing soapy hands together all night was Douchey Simms and Nantz washing the Pats' balls.

I'm really having a problem watching the Patriots play. I feel like I should be totally enjoying what they are doing, and on offense that's generally the case, but their defense is brutal to watch. Every play comes with a little extra hit. It just kind of sucks to watch.

Anecdotally, the new McDonald's commercial is brutal. I guess the guy gets up to get some McDonald's because sitting there while the guy on tv eats makes him hungry? But what's he eating? I just don't get it. And the Danica Patrick PEAK antifreeze commercial is pretty funny. What does she say? "If I drive it, it better perform," or something to that effect? Really? Really?!! YOU'RE ANNA KOURNIKOVA!!

Monday, January 07, 2008

You're becoming a joke

With every passing legal/P.R. move that Roger Clemens and his legal/P.R. machine makes, Clemens looks more and more guilty. After last night's news that Clemens had filed a defamation suit against Brian McNamee, my initial reaction was sort of a, "Well, maybe he really thinks he's innocent." As Monday morning has worn on and the news had had a chance to run around my brain, a few things have become clear. a) Clemens and his collection of hacky douchewads have filed this suit in order to not have to testify in front of congress this month. b) Clemens states in his "60 Minutes" interview that he didn't know anything about McNamee mentioning his name in the Mitchell report, but the suit alleges that that McNamee only made his false accusations toward Clemens in order to avoid prosecution if he implicated Clemens. How does Clemens and his lawyers know this? Investigators were sent by the hacky douchewads to ask McNamee questions after news of Clemens' inclusion in the Mitchell report. The suit is totally ambiguous about how Clemens and his team have come about information regarding McNamee being pressured by federal authorities. c) The suit is a joke. I mean, a total joke. It looks like it's been written by fifth-graders. d) Why McNamee? If he was pressured, almost backed into a corner, according to Clemens' legal/P.R. team, why go after McNamee?

Thursday, January 03, 2008


Daryl Johnston, on KU QB Todd Reesing:

His intangibles are immeasureable.

Awesome. Fucking awesome.