Wednesday, December 26, 2007

No More Christmas

I'm still recovering from the Christmas haze. I played with the kid's toys when he went back to his mom's (he's got Lincoln Logs. Lincoln Logs!!), ate a goose, which is crazy, and drank so festive egg nog and hot buttered rum. Blogged? No. I didn't even have a tinge of desire. I didn't get online or look at the paper. But today we arrive at Christmas Post, and I guess I missed some crazy shit, notably a tiger at the San Francisco Zoo killed a guy and injured two others. Holy shit. Hooooooooooolyyyyyyyy shit. Who thinks the zoo is dangerous? For humans, I mean. I figured I'd cruise the site for their take, but instead I found this little bit about Eva Mendes posing nude. No tiger fur here. But the guy who died at the zoo. Shit. No, I mean, that totally sucks. Evidently, some outlets were initially reporting that the killing happened after-hours and foul play was suspected of the three men hurt or killed by the tiger. Not so much, it turns out. This is sad stuff, media fucktards, not an excuse.

-The NBA on ABC is tradition, the way Ralphie's aunt makes him crazy shit to wear every Christmas. Just because you call it tradition doesn't mean a) it is, or b) it's good.

-Guh, this isn't helping Clemens at all. He looks like he's grasping at straws, and having his lawyer or agent do all the talking is not helping. It's like a guy in an interrogation room knowing he's caught but trying to stay one step ahead of the detective.

That's it, I guess. Functioning on Christmas Post is like going for a run after two weeks off.

Friday, December 21, 2007

But...but, he's gritty...and white!

Deadspin was on this earlier, but it's an underutilized point of view. Brett Favre is not not liked by all?

Apparently we're watching Mars, which could be hit be an asteroid soon. Can I put money on this? (

I think it's everywhere by now, but it's fun to hear Jay Bilas squirt on the announcer's table. (Awful Announcing)

Barry Bonds' surgeon is likely to testify for the prosecution. I don't know what it means, but I really want it to be interesting. (San Francisco Chronicle)

I know there's a serious issue here, but is Andy Reid married to the girl from Law and Order?

Notes from the high-horse. (Denver Post)

Keep your Cy's, Roger (New York Times)

Thursday, December 20, 2007

The War on Christmas

I'm headed to Sacramento with the kid to see my sister and finish up my Christmas shopping, so no blogging for bh today. I will be visiting my favorite restaurant, Sandra Dee's. It will be the kid's first time, so God I hope that goes well.

It's beginning to look a lot like Russell

-I can't stand the Raiders, but I'm looking forward to seeing some extended JaMarcus Russell playing time. Fuck, if I'm going to have to watch the silver and hack, at least it can be exciting.

-The Tuna tells Mort he's headed to Miami. ESPN readies breaking news alert that Parcells is in talks with the Roughriders. Mort reports on the Tuna's new experiment. (Kissing Suzy Kolber)

-Another exciting chapter of The Bush Oligarchy and The Constitution.

-Maureen Dowd defends Hillary's aging from Rush for some reason, and shit that isn't news is in the "news."

-Oh no. Oh fucking no. Seriously?
-It's old, and FJM got it from Deadspin, but Woody Paige is a boob. I mean, that's not news if you've ever seen him on "Around the Horn," read his column in the Denver Post or seen him waiting for the free train at Union Station, but this is new boobery. This guy's only real purpose is providing fodder to bloggers.
-Bowl season starts tonight with the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, with Utah playing Navy. I don't know if the thing has three sponsors (San Diego County, a credit union, and collection of Christmas plant growers) or if there is just a San Diego County Credit Union. I'm not really going to look.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

It's about time

We haven't really heard anything profound or loud from Blowhardy Blowhardigan for a long time, but he's finallybroken the trend with his analysis of the Mitchell Report. This is my favorite part:

To Andy Pettite, Brian Roberts, Gary Bennett, thank you (for your loaded, semi-accurate, slippery, excuse-laden apologies). All three of these guys I know, Andy not very much, but the other two I know very well. I played a few years with Gary, worked out at API and competed with Brian. Gary Bennett is a guy who I always respected because I never figured him as a guy that would be able to play as long as he has (steroids and HGH). He was always a hard worker (steroids and HGH) and a nice guy (not steroids or HGH) and I always enjoyed throwing to him because he cared about his game calling skills. He’s made a nice career for himself (steroids and HGH) and my hope is that it was more through his hard work (steroids) and effort (HGH) than through cheating, either way he’s a friend of mine and always will be. Brian Roberts worked as hard as anyone I’ve ever been around (steroids and HGH). Not to mention he’s about as kind and giving as anyone you’ll ever meet. I know how regretful he is and I know that this mistake is not indicative of his choice making in life (yes it is).

Later on, Blowhardy comments on Roger the Dodger, who he also knows:

Roger had a profound effect on my career from a very early point. His ‘undressing’ of me and lecture were a major turning point. I’ve always respected his career accomplishments and regarded him as the greatest pitcher to ever play the game. Now I, like every other Yankee, Clemens fan am faced with a dilemma.

So as a fan my thought is that Roger will find a way in short order to organize a legal team to guarantee a retraction of the allegations made, a public apology is made, and his name is completely cleared. If he doesn’t do that then there aren’t many options as a fan for me other than to believe his career 192 wins and 3 Cy Youngs he won prior to 1997 were the end. From that point on the numbers were attained through using PED’s...if that is the case with Roger, the 4 Cy Youngs should go to the rightful winners and the numbers should go away if he cannot refute the accusations.

But why stop there? Why not strike Brian Roberts name from the 2005 All-Star roster and instead insert the #2 vote getter as the rightful starter? Why not take away every hit? What about Pettite's wins after 2002? Oh, you like those guys. Roger lectured you and gave you an undressing? Shit, let's take those wins and Cy Young's away.

The funny thing about Blowhardy is that he has always targeted those against whom he has a personal agenda. Blowhardy later does his tangential Barry Bonds riff, expressing his dislike. If you don't do anything to piss off Blowhardy, you will not bear the wrath of the bloody sock.

Hey, J.A. Huh?

The "J.A." in J.A. Adande is short for "Jiant Assclown." Pondering the Celtics new blackness:

Let's just say it: To fans who came of age during the NBA's glory days of the 1980s, the Celtics have long been considered a "white team." They were Larry Bird's team when Magic Johnson and the Lakers were the other choice. The Celtics were the squad that had Danny Ainge, Kevin McHale, Jerry Sichting, Greg Kite, Bill Walton, Scott Wedman and Rick Carlisle on the roster long after the league had taken on a darker complexion.

Somewhere Robert Parish is shedding a tear. As are Dennis Johnson (though he died in February), Sam Vincent, Quinn Buckner, M.L. Carr, Cedric Maxwell, Nate Archibald and Gerald Henderson, among others. Generally, the Celts teams of the 80's were always competitive. I would buy the complaint a little more if they had sucked just so they could have a white roster, but that's not really the deal. They were a good team, or collection of teams. I hated the Celtics in favor of the Lakers, regardless of the team's colors. I hated Danny fucking clayface Ainge. I hated Larry Bird.

I'm not blind and deaf, and I know there have always been Boston sports issues regarding racism. But let's not assign some form of criminality to those 80's teams, some form of deliverance to the current Celtic incarnation, or pretend that this team, fronted by Paul Pierce, KG, and Ray Allen, presents some moral connundrum. Adande says fans are emailing him about their qualms. Dude, no they're not.

Larry Bird's not walking through that door, folks. Kevin McHale ain't walking through that door. Leave it to some hacky douche to bring something up no one is actually talking about.


From the "We Keep Fucking Up" file, just this morning Chris Mortenson reported that Bill Parcells was likely to take the Falcons VP job. Now, not as much. In what ESPN has called "Breaking News," there is no deal between Parcells and the Falcons, though he's now considering a job with the Dolphins. Three things: 1) Mortenson needs to shut the hell up from here on out. He's wrong a lot. 2) Has ESPN learned nothing over the past couple of months? How about the novel concept that we don't report stuff until it happens. Crazy. 3) Breaking News? In other words, it is breaking news that there was actually no news on which to report?

Wednesday on the links

-It's a whole family of stupid whores! Way to go Mom. Jaime-Lynn was "shocked and scared." Shocked? That the act of procreation would result in procreation? So is Brittney's Mom's book about parenting on hold? Unless the book is titled, "How Not To Raise Stupid Whores: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING!" then I don't really see the benefit. MHR has obtained a copy of Chapter 1, titled, "Please Wear A Condom."

-Patrick Willis is a stud...and something about (cough) punters. (

-Send the Snow Globe. I really like the Colonel Sanders one because it's so current. (from Ballhype)

-The Tuna is reportedly joining the Falcons, which sucks because he's the only reason these days Sunday NFL Countdown in tolerable. (

-Obama has cut Hillary's lead in half in California, thanks to nothing more than stories about Obama cutting into Hillary's lead. (San Francisco Chronicle)

-The debut of Sabes and Bear. Wrongfully implies Larry Baer has a clue. (

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Ladies and Gentlemen...

Here he is...the only man wrongfully included in The Mitchell Report. Well, his lawyer and agent anyway.

Oh thank God for those of us who actually read the report.

When is the appropriate time? Why would McNamee concoct(sp?) such an elaborate lie? Why didn't Clemens talk to Mitchell when offered the chance? Why did he wait five days to respond?

Really? You're trying again?

The first two headlines on's "News" section are specualtion from sources. Seems like, seeing that the "experts" at "The Worldwide Leader" are wrong as often as they are "right," I wouldn't really want to lead with a source's info. Could be right, but fuck. Haven't we learned anything?

"Hey, Kirk. This is your source at Michigan. Miles just accepted the offer. Yeah, it's definite. Oh, for sure, go on the air with it."

Stuff to Read

Holy shit last night's game was awful. Like, Family Guy awful. Like "The Mummy Returns" awful. Peterson's two scores masked an otherwise shitty night against a weak box. Big-time players show up for Monday night, don't you know? Guh.

KSK Vikes-Bears commentary (Kissing Suzy Kolber)
Awful Announcing Vikes-Bears commentary (Awful Announcing)
Eckstein Grittiness (firejoemorgan)
Kyle Orton rolling out (Deadspin)
Vina admits to limited cheating (The Big Lead)

"I didn't do it to get an edge. Just to get back on the field." - Fernando Vina.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Are they clean?

I'm trying to watch football, not a AP soapy ball-washing. I admit I turned on the pregame a little late, but since about twenty minutes prior to the start of the Vikings/Bears matchup until a few minutes left in the first quarter, Adrian Peterson's 14 carry, 3 yard performance against the Niners last weekend hasn't come up. There has been plenty of discussion about Peterson possibly being the best RB in the NFL and Son of God. 14 carries, 3 yards. 14 carries, 3 yards. Jesus.

Thank you, ESPN

Not news, not news, not news, not news, not news, not news, not news, not news, not news, not news.

Who, honestly, really, gives half a shit about the relationship between A-Rod and his dickwad agent? The Steinbrenners? Joe Torre? Joe Girardi? Me?

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Reasons for a Hyperbole Eradication Program

Disaster Strikes Dallas!!!

Tornado update? Earthquake? Godzilla?

No. Headline on the Dallas Morning News site following Dallas' loss to Philadelphia.


Romo legend update

214 yards, 0 TD's, 3 INT's.

Where are you now, Joe?

Saturday, December 15, 2007

From the desk of the Not Real Apologies General

Andy Pettite, admitting to HGH use:

If what I did was an error in judgment on my part, I apologize. I accept responsibility for those two days.

Well was it an error in judgement, or not? If you have a problem, then I apologize that you have a problem?

If I have let down people that care about me, I am sorry, but I hope that you will listen to me carefully and understand that two days of perhaps bad judgment should not ruin a lifetime of hard work and dedication. I have tried to do things the right way my entire life, and, again, ask that you put those two days in the proper context. People that know me will know that what I say is true.

If you have a problem with what I did, then I'm sorry.

Remember Derek Lowe air-humping the A's in the dugout after the final out 2003 playoffs?

It's a situation where if you did anything where you offended anyone, I'm sorry.


From the Eckstein Files

Rowand said being known as a gritty player is the utmost of compliments.

Guh. Why does every white baseball player who seems to perform above his ability get the "gritty" label?

I Really Don't Want to Talk About It

The Mitchell Report...sigh.

Everybody has an opinion. All I really want to say is:

-Naming names was a mistake, insomuch as the list is not exhasutive, therefore only a few of the guilty have to answer while several of the guilty do not. Mitchell wrote that the list was not complete and more research would reveal more names, but that doesn't help Clemens or Bonds. They are, in essence, fucked, while other users who were not listed benefit. Naming names was a mistake.

-There is way more questioning of the Mitchell Report than there ever was Game of Shadows. Raciscm, anyone? Undeniably. All one had to do was watch ESPN the day the report was released to understand so. It was made clear that Clemens' inclusion made things different because, like McGwire, he was Mr. American Baseball; a big strong guy from Texas with a hard fastball. Demonstrating the true racist nature of sports fans in the U.S., poll after poll on and other sites have revealed that fans think Clemens is still HOF-worthy, while Bonds lags far behind.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Douche Alert!

Bobby Petrino has left the Falcons with three games left in the season. I know there's no loyalty in sports today, but this guy is the worst violator. Wait until the end of the year, at least. Demonstrate that you understand the word 'commitment.' Your words don't mean anything. You are inconsequential. You are a good college x's and o's guy, but nothing more. What will you teach your players? Responsibility? Sticking through the fight? Honesty? Integrity? If it gets too hard, bail?
You say you didn't think about or contact Arkansas people until Tuesday, after resigning? In other words, you just up and left with three games left in the season, without any sort of inkling from anyone or anywhere that you were thinking of quitting? And after the decision was made, Arkansas called you, or you called them, and in the span of a few hours a multi-million dolar contract was hammered out, examined by your representatives, approved by all those involved at Arkansas, and accpeted? That can't really be true, now can it? You are a dishonest liar. In your press conference last night, you said the timing was the hardest part of your decision-making process. Aren't you stating that the Arkansas job reqiured you to quit when you did? Are fans meant to believe that you quit, hoping that you could orchestrate your way into the Razorbacks job? What if they hadn't wanted to hire you? What if you simply became the guy who quit his job before it was finished, then sat at home for at least a season?
No, I don't buy that. Both you and Arkansas had this figured out before you quit the Falcons job. Your 4 year-old level of deceipt is going to be uncovered, and there will be penalties.

Monday, December 10, 2007


The NFL and ESPN are really working the PR tip hard tonight. Michelle Tafoya just got done talking about how good a guy Warrick Dunn is, since he didn't jump across a table and kick the shit out of the guy who killed his mom.

See. They're not all criminals. Ahhh.

You're retarded, Part III

This thing writes itself. The greatest trilogy since Back to the Future.

Some Falcons players are wearing items demonstrating their allegiance to Michael Vick. Allegiance might be the wrong word, but it's clear their actions are some sort of ill-conceived way to memorialize their old teammate's involvement in the NFL and with the Falcons. Okay DeAngelo and Roddy - White is wearing a "Free Michael Vick" undershirt - I know what you're doing. I know you had a relationship and friendship with him, but it's dumb. This isn't a guy who died senselessly. He didn't find himself in a situation by accident. He wasn't incriminated by corrupt cops blaming a black guy despite a lack of evidence. He killed dogs. He trained dogs to kill other dogs. He tortured them. He brutalized them. He lied about it. A lot. To a lot of different people. He lied about a lot of things. Michael Vick is a bad guy. Do no memorialize this guy, please. Do not treat him like he is a victim. It minimizes real victims and what he did.

You're retarded, Part II

Did the Monday NFL Countdown crew just have a discussion about whether Reggie Bush was drafted too high in the 2006 draft? They compared his rushing yards to those of other backs drafted that same year, without mentioning his receptions. Bush finished last season with 88 receptions for almost 800 yards. This year he had been on pace for almost 100 balls. I'm really having a hard time understanding the nature of the discussion at all. Why would you ask a question like that, seemingly suggesting Bush is a bust at this point, without providing all the ammo for discussion? It's disingenuous and dishonest, and kind of demonstrates the extent of knowledge possessed at the worldwide leader.

Sunday, December 09, 2007


Seriously. Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha!


Did I just hear Joe Buck, referring to Tony Romo, say "The legend continues to grow for Tony Romo," after Romo's game-winning pass to Jason Witten?

His hold in his first ever playoff game last year was legendary.

Joe Buck is a fucking moron.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

You're retarded

The Steelers' Anthony Smith has guaranteed that his team will beat the Patriots this weekend. WHO THE FUCK IS ANTHONY SMITH?!! The only times it's ever appropriate to guarantee anything are as follows:

-when your name is Joe Namath
-when you've actually got something with which to guarantee, like tires or brakes

What good is your guarantee, Mr. Smith? You get to look like the paragon of profundity if your Steelers win. If you lose, well no one really is going to remember you anyway. I just want to know what I get if you lose? You've got to make things right when your guarantee goes bad, so how will you make it right?

Speaking of jackass fuckfaces, apparently some Cowboys DB's have been looking forward to facing Jon Kitna this season, after last year he beat them on the team's last weekend, then talked shit. Terence Newman has said

Basically what it boils down to is you've got to watch what you say. Your mouth can't write checks that your [expletive] can't cash. That's what it comes down to. Everybody's going to see those quotes. He better just hope I don't blitz off the edge, because I've got 15, 25, 30 [thousand dollars], however much it would be for a fine. I've got that much for one fine. Revenge will be sweet definitely.

First of all, you're a moron for pulling out a line from Top Gun. Christ. Secondly, he did cash those checks when he threw four TD's against you. Third, why weren't you trying to hit him the way you want to during last year's game? Fourth, yeah, you do have to watch what you say. As an example, you've received a letter from the NFL warning you for what you said. Smart.

Dallas linebacker Bradie James said

It has been circled on my calendar the whole year, and here we are and I'm looking forward to it. Y'all can ask me about Jon Kitna every day from here on out the rest of my life and I will get fired up. ... He talked like we weren't ever going to play them again. We're going to be ready.

Dude, you're supposed to be fired up for every game, every player, every snap. Why weren't you fired up last time? Why weren't you ready last time? Doesn't everyone know that if you need extra motivation - i.e., bulletin board material - to play well, you're kind of a giant douche? Did Kitna have to talk for you to stop him from throwing four TD's? Hey, Jon Kitna's a moron. Der. Can't you just shut your mouth and still shut him up?

Friday, November 30, 2007

Christmas songs?

As I feel inclined, I'm going to modernize some Christmas songs. Why? Ahunnuh. But I'm telling you now. One will be unable to sing to my version.

Hark the Herald Angels Sing (traditional)
Hark the herald angels sing
"Glory to the newborn King!
Peace on earth and mercy mild
God and sinners reconciled"
Joyful, all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
With the angelic host proclaim:
"Christ is born in Bethlehem"
Hark! The herald angels sing
"Glory to the newborn King!"
Christ by highest heav'n adored
Christ the everlasting Lord!
Late in time behold Him come
Offspring of a Virgin's womb
Veiled in flesh the Godhead see
Hail the incarnate Deity
Pleased as man with man to dwell
Jesus, our Emmanuel
Hark! The herald angels sing
"Glory to the newborn King!"
Hail the heav'n-born Prince of Peace!
Hail the Son of Righteousness!
Light and life to all He bringsRis'n with healing in His wings
Mild He lays His glory by
Born that man no more may die
Born to raise the sons of earth
Born to give them second birth
Hark! The herald angels sing
"Glory to the newborn King!"
Hark the Herald Angels Sing (BH version)
Listen up, people! The angels with good sources are telling us something!
"Give some praise to the Son of God
because not only is He going to help us here
but God's not going to make you sacrifice animals anymore!"
Everyone should be happy
and join the party that's going on in Heaven right now
Didn't you hear that angel? Sing with it!
"Jesus was totally just born in Bethelhem!"
Listen up people! The angels with good sources are telling us something!
"Give some priase to the Son of God!"
God really likes Jesus
So much so, that Jesus is actually God!
It's been awhile that you've been on Earth
But Jesus finally came from a woman who hadn't had sex
He's really God in a man's body
And he's here on Earth, so make sure you worship him
He's really happy to be a man
His name even means "God with us!"
Listen up people! The angels with good sources are telling us something!
"Give some praise to the Son of God!"
Jesus comes from Heaven, since He's God!
This guy is as good as you can get; no sinning here
He's sharing the story of Heaven, so listen!
He's come with the purpose of delivering you
Given up being God in Heaven to be here as a man
He's come here so you can be with Him in Heaven
He's come here so you don't just lay in the ground forever
He's come here so you can live again in eternity
Listen up people! The angels with good sources are telling us something!
"Give some praise to the Son of God!"

Monday, November 26, 2007

Patrck Willis

Holy shit is this guy fast. Running down Sean Morey in overtime made for one of the most exciting plays of the year, and helped save the game for the Niners. 17 tackles, 1 sack. He's already one of the best linebackers in the game.

I don't have a video of the hit, but here's a sample. And here.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Stupid shit people say

Torii Hunter has signed with the Angels for $90 million over 5 years. Too bad for us Giants fans hoping for an impact player not associated with HGH or steroids in this year's free agent crop. Evidently, Hunter thought it was a bigger deal than the rest of us, saying "They shocked me. I didn't think they needed a center fielder. They shocked the world."

Yeah. That guy in India who can't feed his kid gives a shit.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

I'm thankful...

That Thanksgiving football only comes once a year. That's a mistake. I love the football. I don't love the bullshit that accompanies the games. The Goo Goo Dolls playing some mellow horseshit while some United Way Banner is unfurled? Carrie Underwood and the Salvation Army? Or was it Kelly Clarkson? Who gives a shit.

Can we please just do away with the halftime show in football? The lights stay on. The sound is inevitably horrible. The acts are inevitably shitty. And if the performer happens to be the slightest bit acceptable, the whole clusterfuck of it being a halftime show makes them appear lame. I mean really, what is the organizer of these events trying to pull off? Does he or she think to themselves, "This is going to be the year when the halftime show really works." "I know, this year we're going to put 500 people in front of the stage so it looks more concertish." I bet. And it never works. Well, not never. I think Disney did a Super Bowl halftime show a few years ago that was pretty good, and U2 after September 11th was, even to the most hardened Bono hater, great. That said, who thought up the Goo Goo Dolls for Thanksgiving? Who thought up Prince last year? Guh. Prince Goo? Somebody call Toto! David fucking Cassidy wasn't available? The halftime show lameifies the whole football experience. I guess that's the point really. As MHR has professed on occasion, holiday and playoff sports are not about sports. The are not presented for the sports fan. They are produced and marketed for moms making turkey in the kitchen. They are directed at people who don't usually tune in. Don't take an extra fifteen minutes so Goo can goo all over the stage! Get back to playing the fucking game!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

And back to sports...

The Niners stink. I only really watched the first half of last night's game against Seattle, partly because I had to put the kid to bed and partly because I couldn't watch the horseshit happening on the field. Some observations:

-Jeff Hostler is really having a tough time. After inheriting an improving group from Norv Turner, Hostler has the Niners' offense looking worse than if Dennis Erickson were running the show. Hopefully, if he keeps his job, another season in the same system will help Alex Smith, Frank Gore, and the suddenly crappy o-line.

-The defense was supposed to be San Fran's strength, yet again and again Seattle, and really any receivers the Niners face, are open on 15-yard out-routes. Seriously, if Niner defenders were to simply stay in one spot after each snap, the opponent offensive players would be less open.

-There is nothing more obnoxious in the NFL than the first-down point. What's next? What the fuck is next?! What is next to be celebrated in the NFL? Getting off the bench? DJ Hackett had me ready to blow my brains out last night. Get up, hand the ball to the nearest official, and head back to the huddle. YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT!!!

-In the first half the officials did the Niners no favors. The first play of the game should have resulted in a pass interference penalty against Seattle. The reversal of an incomplete pass to a Seattle receiver should never had happened. There was nothing worthy of a reversal. Fuck. If the guys in the booth as well as everyone at home can't tell, what the fuck are you seeing captain white hat shithead that gives you reason to overturn a play? Nate Clements was called for illegal conact when the contact was intitiated by the Seattle receiver. Hey officials! Watch the fucking game!!! Matt Hasselbeck was not called for grounding after, while in the pocket, throwing a ball at the feet of his linemen. And on and on. Guh. The Niners didn't lose because of the officiating, but come on. It was bad.

-God, Stuart Scott is awful. I feel so bad for anyone he interviews. Like last night it was Jeff Gordon and Jimmy Johnson at halftime. Every Scott interview I've ever seen ends up feeling like nothing more than some orchestrated glorification. Whether it's pounding the fist with Shaq or exhuberantly sharing the love of teammates Gordon and Johnson, it's just lovey-dovey softball after softball. If I didn't hate the guy so much, I'd be embarrassed for him. I can't take ESPN seriously. I used to think it was a news organization, but that's wrong.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

$25,000 dessert?

Edible gold?

Chron posting

For a good laugh, read some of the posts about the Bay oil spill.


and here.

People are really smart, smart, not smart, dumb, or fucking retarded.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Sweeps Week

I heard a good question asked of a guest on Fresh Air this morning. Terry Gross asked Percy Carey something along the lines of, if you were a television program director, and you could put on the air any show from any time period, what would your lineup look like? The question was asked because of Carey's confession that he's always wanted to be a program director. His answer consisted of documentaries, The Weather Channel and others.

My own list does not necessarily consist of the best or most popular shows in history. I think I will look at it as though each series were new, or currently on the air. Not in rerun form, but as though the show was in it's prime. And it's not in any order. So, you know...

Seinfeld- fucking duh. The last great, relevant situational comedy.

South Park- it's funny. Really funny.

Magnum, P.I.- light-hearted crime-drama about a Vietnam War vet who now lives rent-free on a romance author's beachfront Hawaiian estate, driving the author's Ferrari. This is every guy's dream. Except for the Vietnam flashbacks.

Ken Burns' Baseball- not really the best documentary, even in the Burns library, but it will change your life.

Bull Durham- right after the final installment of Baseball.

The Simpsons- fucking duh again. I wouldn't show anything after the eighth season though.

The Muppet Show

World News Tonight with Peter Jennings

Old Loony Toons- frying pan to the face. I can't find it anywhere these days, which makes me sad for my kid.

MTV Movie Awards- I wouldn't broadcast the actual award portions, just some of the movie parodies. My favorites are a "Seven" spoof with William Shatner and a "Lord of the Rings" with Jack Black. Speaking of William Shatner...

The 1978 Science-Fiction Film Awards- specifically, host Shatner's spoken-word rendition of "Rocket Man." This would be playing all the time. It's so bad, it's amazing. This might be the best moment in television history.

Freaks and Geeks- it didn't last long at all, but it was funny and didn't have a laugh track, which is probably why people weren't ready. Way ahead of it's time.

CSPAN Highlights- I mean, they'd have to run late, but some commitee hearings are awesome to watch. Especially House hearings, since there tends to be less grandstanding.

Sledgehammer- I don't think it's held up well, but that's not the point.

Sports games without play-by-play or color- my disdain for the Bucks and McCarvers of the world is well documented. Though I'd watch any game with Kruk and Kuip calling it.

SpongeBob Squarepants- especially the F.U.N. episode. That would be on a lot.

M.A.S.H.- yeah, that was a pretty good show.

The Wonder Years- Fuck yeah the Wonder Years! Dude, I thought I was Kevin Arnold. My brother probably thought I was more Wayne than Kevin. I even did that thing where as he was trying to get in the car one time, I would scoot the car forward a little. Then back up. Then scoot forward again. I guess I was more Wayne. What a dick.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Arrested Development- I almost went trick-or-treating with the kid this year as Tobias as a hopeful for the Blue Man Group.

Heat Vision and Jack- there is only one episode. You can find it on youtube. Owen Wilson as Jack Black's talking motorcycle ex-roommate trying to fight Ron Silver, who plays...Ron Silver. Goddammit it's funny.

Friday, November 02, 2007


Come on Sabes.

"I don't even know that they know what their expectations are," Sabean said of A-Rod and agent Scott Boras. "You have to do due diligence. I think that's the best way to put it: kick the tires on anything, including him. In baseball, almost anything is possible. How probable something like that would be would be a reach for me for the reasons you said. It can literally hamstring what you want to do for quite a while."

Dude, what the fuck does that mean? Of course I know what he's saying, but come on.

It can literally hamstring what you want to do for a while.

I can't get this visual out of my head in which A-Rod is tied to the back of Sabean's leg for an extended period of time.

Monday, October 29, 2007

My brain is going to explode

Wouldn't it be cool if I could just watch football? Like, the game plays, and the primary interest is the game. It would be neat if if I could just watch the Broncs and Packers play, without hearing from Mrs. Favre selling her new breast-cancer book. Or Vince Vaughn plugging his movie. And if they're going to let the Favre-ess into the booth, it would be sweet if they let her do the Brett ball-licking and actually ask her about the book.

Breaking News!!!

The YES Network just acquired ESPN.

There will be a Sportscenter special at 10:30 on the Yankees. In case you haven't been hearing too much about the Yankees lately, you can really catch up on what they've been up to. The Sox won the World Series yesterday, so watch the Yankees Sportscenter special this morning.


Since none of these other douchebags are posting, MHR is sort of becoming a BH blog. I guess that's fair since I bailed for six months during my...ahem...marital issues. Anyway, my other blog is still out there if you're bored. It's not about anything in particular. Some sports, some politics, mostly an exploration of the deepest parts of my tortured and tattered post-divorce soul.

More drooling

Cal and Tennessee are both 5-3. Cal beat Tennessee in September. Cal's big wins have been the Vols and Oregon. Losses have been to ASU, the #4 team in the country, UCLA, and Oregon St; all 5-3 or better. Tennessee's losses have come to the Bears, a blowout against Alabama, and Florida; all 5-3 or better. Their signature win was against Georgia. So of course the AP has Tennessee ranked ahead of Cal in its latest poll. Brilliant. Cal beat Tennessee in September. Cal beat Tennessee. CAL BEAT TENNESSEE!!! Do AP voters even take into account what has happened on the field? Clueless group of fucktards.

Speaking of fucktards, why does Manny Ramirez get a free pass? He acts like a jackass on the field, and announcers laugh. Last night they had an in-game feature about Manny throwing his helmet off while running the bases. Ever insightful, Tim McCarver said he talked to Francona, who said it is "Manny being Manny." Manny being Manny. I've only heard this 8,000 times over the past ten years. Yay for Manny being Manny! Isn't it fun? Down by three, he hits a bomb, raises his hands, and walks to first base before starting his trot? Manny being Manny. Demands a trade before the season, then relents? What a guy. Can't remember the count? Aaaaaah, that's just Manny. Rips his goddamn helmet off when he's running the bases? Watch us celebrate! Isn't it fun when the Sox are winning? I guess we all know how the East-Coasters love their jackasses as long as they are helping their team win. Lastings Milledge/Jose Reyes/Shelley Duncan anyone?

And finally, there was a lack of play-by-play critique on MHR during this year's Series. If you've read over the past few years, the McCarver/Buck bashing is a tradition. This time, I had the sound down throughout almost every inning of every game. Beautiful. Buck is horrible. Sondog brought it up to me, unsolicited, on Friday. McCarver sports pseudo-insight. So this year's BH World Series Soundtrack consisted of itunes podcasts and playlists. Dude, and it was the most enjoyable play-by-play I've ever heard. Seriously, it was perfect. And I don't have to wait until next year. The Buckster will be back on Sunday morning next week, sporting his BS Call. Yay for the Joe Buck boycott.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Please Research

DeMarco Farr of FSN just said "LSU is the best team in the SEC, until somebody beats them."


Friday, October 26, 2007

Superstition/jinx update

Uh, this guy actually did have an impact on the game...

(10-25) 21:56 PDT Fremont -- A die-hard San Francisco Giants fan who desperately wanted his team to beat the Atlanta Braves has pleaded guilty to calling the Atlanta ballpark where the two teams played and making false bomb threats.

Dante Suguitan, 39, pleaded guilty to five counts of making false bomb threats over the phone during the 2005 season, court records show.

Suguitan's lawyers said in court papers that the Bay Area resident has a psychiatric disorder that manifested itself in an "obsessive interest in professional sports, particularly the San Francisco Giants baseball team."

Suguitan, who entered his guilty pleas in U.S. District Court in Atlanta last week, admitted he wanted to "jinx" or somehow intimidate Atlanta Braves players so that the Giants would win, authorities said. He is scheduled to be sentenced in Atlanta on Jan. 11.

Defense experts said Suguitan believed Giants sportscasters were actually speaking to him and that he felt he could "manipulate the outcome of games by listening to them on the radio or watching them on television." (emphasis BH's) But a psychiatrist consulted by the government said she did not believe Suguitan suffered from a mental disorder.

On Aug. 10 and 11, 2005, employees at Turner Field, the home of the Atlanta Braves, received a series of bomb threats from a man on the phone. The caller said there were bombs placed inside the park that were set to explode at different times while the Braves were playing the Giants.

The Giants lost to the Braves on Aug. 10 but won on Aug. 11.

During one call, a man told a security officer that a bomb was going to explode in the Braves dugout and that "the bomb was atomic and looked like a Coke can," FBI Special Agent John Cronier wrote in an affidavit. In another call, the man said a bomb would explode during the "tomahawk chop"- a popular gesture made by Braves fans during games.

Authorities identified the phone number of the caller and learned that it was a cell phone in the name of "SF Giants Fan," Cronier wrote.

Suguitan was identified as the suspect with the help of a Fremont police detective who recognized his voice from one of the recorded threats. The detective recognized the voice as he was helping Suguitan register as a sex offender, according to court and public records.

The Fremont police detective heard Suguitan's voice during 12 meetings - and in two dozen voice-mail messages, the affidavit said. The cell-phone number from the threats also matched the phone number he gave Fremont police, authorities said.

Suguitan must register as a sex offender because of a conviction for annoying or molesting children, according to the state's Megan's Law Web site. Federal prosecutors in Atlanta said Suguitan lives in San Jose, but the sex-offender registry said he lives in Newark.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Jinxy Jinx Jinx is running a story today that says one out of five fans do things to avoid jinxing players. Not shocking, except I would think it's higher than that, especially in baseball. My guess would be around four out of five or nine of ten fans do things to help there team win games. The idea that I try not to "jinx" my team isn't exactly accurate. It's more dependent on the situation. If my team is leading, then yes, I try not to jinx them. If the team is down though, I will try to help pull them out however I can. My big thing when watching a game on television is changing channels to chenge or keep momentum. Now, I've posted before that momentum is not real. Well, neither are the chances that my actions affect the game on the field, so sense is out the window with this whole conversation. Anyway, If the Giants are up a couple runs or playing well and I want to see what else is on, I'll change the channel, then go back to them game, then change and go back once more. If they are down or playing like shit, I'll just change it and go back once. That's my standard interference for all sports really, though it's most pronounced in baseball. I've had that one since I was probably twelve. And it's not just when I'm watching. In essence, doing anything once will switch or turn off the momentum. If I spit once, I need to spit again to get things right. I have to kick dirt twice, take two bites, two drinks and so on.

So it's not only about jinxing. It's about helping in any way. It's got to be higher than 20%.

What developed this sense of self-importance in all of us? Maybe just us wanting to be a part of the action. Maybe we're all just kind of stupid. Or narcisism explains it all.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

More Stuff I Now Know About Baseball

Joe Buck didn't watch any of the League Division Series. He said the Indians hadn't seen many lefties in the playoffs, since they'd played the Red Sox and Angels. Hmm.

Manny Ramirez is a fucking idiot. Clueless. Fucking. Idiot.

Frank TV is still literally going to change the face of late night television. And I still don't know what that means.

Kenny Lofton has played for 11 teams?

Just having played professional baseball doesn't make you good at talking about baseball. Tony, I'm looking at you.

Crowds in Denver and Cleveland are electric. That's what Joe and Chip tell me.

Joe still tells me what I should think about baseball, rather than calling the play. "There's a good piece of hitting by..."

Ken Rosenthal is worthless. Seriously, give a fifth-grader a mike and camera, and he/she will share more insight.

This is our country. Xenophobic?

I really like watching games with the sound off. I can do other stuff, and still be entertained by the game! I finished I Am America (And So Can You!) in two nights, and didn't really have to listen to Joe...until I finished it in the fifth inning of game 4 tonight. So now I know, FOX could be making money showing the game while a book is being read on air. That would be awesome.

There is a dirty ball epidemic in baseball. I thought it was a couple isolated cases. Epi. dem. ic. And Joe Buck must be a ballologist, because he is verbally washing nuts like crazy.

Sunday, October 14, 2007


Why is Cal ranked behind Oregon in any poll?

Why is Cal ranked behind Oregon?


edit: I spelled Cal with two 'l''s before. If you read the comment section, you'll get it.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Oh. no. dude.

Rockies' outfielder Ryan Spilborghs' intro song is 'The Sweet Escape.'

Start the Campaign, Part II


Seriously though. Stop. Send the towels the way of the Thundersticks (Thunderstix?). It was neat in 2002. Not now. Stop. Please.

The Invisible Heavy Hand

Today's race at Talladega will feature a ton of Toyotas at the front of the field, which wouldn't be as noticeable if the manufacturer hadn't sucked all season. 5 of the top 6 cars are Toyotas. At the April 29th race at Talladega, Toyota had three cars in the race, the first of which was David Reutimann in the 14th spot. Really, the manufacturer has averaged around three qualifiers per race this season, so it isn't just wierd that it has five of the top six, but that it has qualified six cars when it is so far from the norm. Restrictor-plate racing is a different animal, but not this different. Toyota was much faster than anyone else. Dale Jarrett, starting in the 43rd spot, had the 8th fastest time. So really, 6 of the top 8 times belonged to Toyota.

NASCAR has a history of changing its rules as it goes in order to suit its desires. When Matt Kenseth won the Cup a few years ago, NASCAR came up with the Chase for the Cup. When Ford debuted the Thunderbird in the '80s, then the Taurus in the '90's, and the cars dominated, NASCAR made changes to slow them down. Now it appears they have made changes to give Toyota an advantage. All manufacturers' speeds are down this time around at Talladega, except Toyota. Michael Waltrip, the maker's biggest-name driver, has had a hard time making it into races this year, but will sit on the pole - thank you Jean Girard - for the first time in two years. It's not some race in Pheonix no one's going to pay attention to. It's one of NASCAR's biggest races on its signature speedway in the midst of a chase in which everyone, even my mom, is watching. It didn't just happen. Toyota crews didn't just figure it out. We'll see how the race pans out, but Toyotas will be prominent throughout. Ah NASCAR, I can't take you seriously. You're like the WWE ref who turns around while someone gets whacked on the head with a chair.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Start the Campaign

Sept 6, 2008 is "Who Gives a Shit Saturday" in college football.

Today is "Gut Check Saturday," according to ESPN, ESPN News, ESPN Radio and ABC. When did this start happening? You know, the naming each weekend in college football thing? Last weekend it was "Trap Door Saturday." ??? I remember "Rivalry Weekend" being pretty much it until a few years ago. Now, it seems every weekend has a name. Come on. Seriously. Can't we just know that Oklahoma and Texas are going to play? LSU and Florida isn't appealing? Why the name? Gut Check? Can't the games be enough without the douchewads at the Worldwide Leader calling a brainstorming session to discuss what to name each weekend?

Douche 1: "How about 'Acid Reflux Saturday?' You know, since it's so stressful."

Head Douche: writing on the butcher paper draped over the easel
"...cid reflux...L-U-X...okay, but that seems a little technical for the Corso crowd."

Douche 2: "Yeah, we need something that says 'I'm going to deep fry some crawdads in the back of the truck, then tell the Gators to go to hell all day. Like 'Gut-Bomb' or 'Hip Check."

Douche 1: "I got it"
Miming an imaginary banner over his head
"Gut Check Saturday. You feel me?"

So September 6th of '08 needs to be,

BH: Miming an imaginary banner over his head
"Who Gives a Shit Saturday."

You know, when the games consist of out-of-conference teams facing each other. Virginia Tech against Ohio. Stanford vs. San Jose St. Baylor and Texas St. Those games in which only alumni really care. When the casual college fan doesn't...give...a...shit?

Ah, bugger!

Did you know the Yankees lost last night becasue of bugs? You probably haven't heard about it yet. And the really wierd part is that it was only the Yanks who were affected. Crazy. My favorite quote in an story is,

With bugs sticking to his muscular, sweaty neck, Chamberlain threw a wild pitch in the eighth that gave Cleveland the tying run. Three innings later, the Indians won it.

Muscular, sweaty neck? You sir, just won the 'Gayest Thing Written' award. And who thinks any part of Joba Chamberlain is muscular? He looks like a tub of, well, not muscles. At least he's sporting a sane outlook on the whole thing.

They were in front of my face, but I wasn't the only one who had to deal with it. They didn't show up just for me. You can look at it a million ways, but when you come down to it, we were in the loss column. And it's because I didn't do my job.

I thouroughly enjoyed watching the Yankees make a production of the whole thing. Jeter waving his hat in front of his face was delightful. 'The Captain' would have been smart to avoid adding fuel to the clearly rattled Chamberlain's fire, but instead acted like a ten year-old on a camping trip.

Thankfully, it's not really the Yankees who are making excuses. It's really been media types. Yes, it was bad. For both teams. Fausto Carmona threw nine innings of three hit ball, the last two innings being just as buggy as they were for New York. Not really mentioned in most articles though.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Chip Caray is a gold mine!

I mean, he totally sucks, but God it's good listening if you like to blog about stupidity and overall crapiness. Caray really likes to dramatize things. He's like the annoying girlfriend who likes to stir things up even though she's really stupid and hasn't got a clue about anything but is sure she does of play-by-play guys. Last night, he wondered out loud if the Yankees had made a mistake by not having Jeter lay down a sac bunt. The Indians won 12-3. Tonight he reminded viewers that if Jorge Posada had handled a Reviera strikeout of Grady Sizemore, the Yanks would have been out of the inning. Not really though. That would have been the second out, and the rest is theoretical. And the Yankees escaped the inning. I think it's a technique hackish play-by-play guys employ so they can sound smarter later. Like some way to cover your bases. A whole outlook of 20-20 hindsight. If you raise the idea of whether a manager has made the right move or not, you get the kudos when the moves blows up. I wonder if Caray does that at home.

"Honey? One wonders if you shouldn't have fed the dog Pedigree, when there's a can of Iams in the pantry."

If the dog yarfs up the Pedigree, Caray looks brilliant. If not, no one's really going to remember since he says a lot of stupid shit anyway.

And Now, to Denver...

...and the worst baseball experience in the game.

After the Rocks twice whapped the Phillies in Philly, the series is headed to Coors. I was last there on September 5th. The Rockies were already in the midst of a pennant race and my Giants were in town. An hour before game time, my brother and I bought seats 10 rows up on the first base line. Sweet. The stadium, despite the race and baseball's home run king being in town, was 43% full. Bonds yoked a 1st inning bomb, and the Giants won 5-3. No one gave me shit about my SF hat. No one told me to sit down when I stood for every Bonds at-bat.

I've been going to games at Candlestick and Pac-Bell my whole life. The Candlestick crowd knew baseball. Like, really knew baseball. Pac-Bell fans, not as much. They are still knowledgeable, but no one could represent like fans in the days of the 'Stick. The ballpark was there to be a ballpark. I went to a night game in '97 against the Giants and Dodgers. San Fran was down 2 games and needed to sweep the series with LA to tie. Through the entire game, every single pitched drew a reaction from the crowd. No one sat. There was nothing like loud Candlestick. I went to game 4 of the 2002 NLCS between St. Louis and the Giants at Pac-Bell. It was dead compared to that '97 game. Oh, fans cheered but, it lacked the same passion. Pac Bell is more about the amusement park, as are most of the new fields in baseball. You get more people at games who know little about the game. Us veterans are the educators. Coors fans make Pac-Bell fans look like a collective group of baseball Einsteins. I've never seen so much random standing during play. Not like 'Matt Holiday is stud and I'm cheering' standing. Regular, 'I feel like standing even though fans behind me can't see' standing. Some fans stood the whole game. Peolpe were up and down during the inning, off to find food or take dumps or see how fast they could throw a ball. It sucked. I ordered a foot-long dog, and the fucking bun fell apart. By the time I was halfway done, I was holding a link in my hand and eating the bun, onions, relish and mustard with a fork. Clueless all the way around. And now that the Rocks are into the postseason, it's getting worse.

Yay! We started liking the Rockies last week!!

The bandwagon is overflowing, but accepting more riders. Denver was oblivious until the end of September. An LA series the Rockies swept from the 18th through the 20 - their next-to-last home series of the year - failed to draw 30,000 for any game. What a joke. I'm sorry, true Rockies fans out there. You are being innundated with goo that's taken the shape of people. I guess the good news is, playoff baseball will earn the otherwise clueless a little more baseball knowledge. Hopefully. Maybe fans in Denver will start asking for a decent dog.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Stuff I now know about baseball, thanks to TBS

Kenny Lofton still plays? For Cleveland?!

Postseason baseball is not for baseball fans. Well, kind of it is, but not. Color guys talk like they're teaching a third grade class. Play-by-play guys talk like they are intuitive. It's mute time. Wait...there are graphics? Oh God, there are graphics!! The leadoff stripe? Huh? Huh?! 9 feet? My coaches never told me about 9 feet.

I can win 2008 World Series tickets by being the sexiest fan in baseball. Sweet. Easy. I wonder what kind of sexy picture I can put together. Maybe I'll squeeze a ball between my cheeks. Yeah. Can someone find me a Speedo with baseball stitches?

There is a "typical Yankee at-bat," I guess. I mean, according to Chip Caray. It consists of seeing a lot of pitches. I don't know if there's a typical Indian at-bat, since Caray didn't mention it, but I know Chien-Ming Wang threw almost as many pitches as CC Sabathia in 1/3 fewer innings. Maybe his voice was tired from calling Cleveland home runs.

Bob Brenley says A-Rod put up "video game numbers." Pssh. I don't know about that. .314, 54, 156, .422, .645? I once had myself hit 145 bombs with a .435 batting average in MLB '05. Eat that!

Ron Darling doesn't actually watch the game he's calling.

Some guy named "The Captain" plays for New York? Is that his first name? Who are they talking about?

Derek Jeter has dirty balls, and Caray wants to wash them on the air.

'Frank TV' will "literally change the face of television." Okay. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but it will be literal.

Shelley Duncan's body has four motors, each of which is connected to an appendage and moves at a different rate from the others. He runs like Goofy. Only wierder.

Jorge Posada was the steak to A-Rod's sizzle, or at least Caray says so. Cool. Cool. He was the real meat of the Yankees. I get it. Chip says Jorge's one of the Yankees most clutch hitters. Oooohhh. Except he just struck out with the bases loaded after being ahead 3-0, with less than two outs.

Caray says the Indians had a "coming out party tonight." Awesome. I watch Indians baseball for 162 games, and only now find out there all gay? Those bastards.

Chevy's motto is 110%. Right on, but why stop there? As long as your trying extra hard, why don't you try extra, extra hard? If I'm going to pay $35,000 for a car, I want one made by a bunch of people giving 111%, at least.

Monday, October 01, 2007

So here's what I know

The Niners' offense sucks butt. I was at my first game since 1991, ready for an Alex Smith aerial (cough) show, when he left after the game's third play. In comes the NFL's premier game manager, Trent Dilfer. "This isn't so bad," I thought. "Maybe this is what the team needs to get the offense really running well." Turns out Dilfer lead the Niners to the worst performance of the Mike Nolan era. They looked unorganized and confused, as though Dennis Erickson were still patrolling the sideline. The offensive line, a huge, if not the main, strength last season, was terrible. It was so bad, Niner fans started bragging to Hawk fans about their five Super Bowl rings in the middle of the third quarter. Guh. The nice thing was Patrick Willis and the defense. They were on the field so often that we were able to watch the best young linebacker in football do his thing, along with Nate Clements. Defense is not the problem. It's calling out-route after out-route when Dilfer can't get the ball there on time. Frank Gore is not the problem. Anyone at the game, Niner or Hawk fan, could tell why Gore is the best running back in the NFC. He is playing behind a shitty o-line, but finishes every play. Shaun Alexander prances out of bounds, while Gore knocks the crap out of defenders. The offensive play calling and blocking schemes are the real problems. Oh God! Where is Norv Turner?! Oh, right. Woops.

Despite the hyperbolic, 'THIS IS THE GREATEST COLLAPSE EVER!!' from national media wonks, the Mets' fall from 7 up with 17 to play is totally enjoyable. Even more exciting is that the anti-Mets, your Colorado Rockies are still alive. What? They still play in Denver? I thought baseball only existed in the east. There's an NL West now? Two NL West teams are going to be in? What?!

Aaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha! Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha!!

So, the Amazins are out, which means Jose Reyes is out. A-fucking-men. Thank God we are saved from the uber-hyper Reyes' antics throughout the postseason. The high-stepping, the fist-pumps, the pointing at the sky after every, single, anything...

I get it. You play in New York where they think it's charming to be obnoxious and flamboyant. Unless you lose. Don't you feel silly now for all the things you do that show up other players? Hopefully. That would be awesome. Thankfully we don't have to watch the cutaways of rehearsed handshakes from Pedro and some flavor-of-the-month. Thankfully, we get to watch a group of guys who play ball like it was meant to be played, like gentlemen. Either the Rocks or the Pads. See, out here we, fans and players - aside from one huge guy in SF, and one blue team in LA - recognize that the game is bigger than we are. We're embarassed when one of our pitchers does something silly after a save or a strikeout which, aside from sucking, is why we didn't really like Armando. We don't go for the fist-pumps. We go for handshakes.

Oh, and LSU jumping USC in the AP poll is a joke. Never has it been so evident that voters are boobs, mostly looking at scores rather than content. Les Miles, alluding to voters' dumbassity, said, "They kind of slept in and got kind of caught up on the score later in the day." Nope, Washington isn't ranked, and USC was supposed to blow out the Huskies in Seattle. But UW beat Boise State and hung tough with Ohio State, before losing to UCLA. They are a good team. LSU sleepwalked through the first half of the Tulane game, even though the final score looked good. LSU didn't do anything that warranted taking the number one spot, especially against a team who's only win came against SE Louisianna St., and who's schedule includes blowout losses to Houston and Mississippi St. At least the Coaches Poll still has USC #1, by quite a bit actually. At least Cal is up to #3.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Meesta Ecko

I'm struggling to find the energy. Marc Ecko, the douche who bought Barry Bonds' 756th home run ball for $752,467, is going to put an asterisk on the ball before sending it to Cooperstown. "This is obviously something that struck a chord with fans," Ecko said. How many fans? Who knows, but 34% felt like the ball should go to the Hall without a mark, and 47% voted pro-ASSterisk. 19% said the ball should just go away. What I love about this whole idea is that I didn't know about it ahead of time. How many people did? I didn't vote. How many others who aren't retarded didn't know and therefore didn't vote? How many of us who realize that anything any player has ever done to prolong a career changes the measurement? Knee surgery? Asterisk. Better weight-lifting techniques? Asterisk. Creatine? Asterisk. Closer fences? Asterisk. Watered-down quality of players due to expansion? Asterisk.


So a collection of short-sided shitwads, the demographics of which we know little, have decided they know enough to pass ultimate judgement on a piece of history. They, including Ecko, fail to recognize that they are not important enough to decide it right now. They never will be. Legacies have to be determined over time by those who can remove themselves from an emotional reaction and the inluence of biases. We all know if Bonds played in New York, the ball would have sold for 14 billion dollars and there would have been a parade in Manhattan. But he doesn't play in New York, or Boston, or Philadelphia, where the fate of the ball, and Bonds' image could have been spared.

This is our problem, right Mr. Ecko? This belongs to those of us who rose to our feet each time Bonds stepped into the box. This is mine because I cheered when he hit a ball off Chuck Finley over my head and into the bay during game 4 of the 2002 NLCS. Shame on me for cheering for a cheater, right? Shame on me for wanting entertainment. It's easy when it's not your guy, I know. It's not just Bonds your fucking with. It's me. Like it or not, we put our hearts into our teams. It's silly, but we do. You're not putting an asterisk just on the Bonds ball. You're putting an asterisk on the buzz that went through the ballpark when Bonds came up with two on and the Giants down by two. You're putting an asterisk on an entire group of people, not one guy's accomplishment. It's easy, I know, to make a judgement from far away. When it's not your guy on your team, it's easy. You don't even have to think about it. There are good guys and there are bad guys. This is our bad guy, huh? You might profess an objective attitude, but it's not real. That you'd even conduct a vote shows it. You knew you wouldn't get a representative view. And you didn't. And you've got what you wanted. And the 34% of voters who recognize that the accomplishment is bigger than you, and us, are screwed.

You've watched from afar as Bonds has had the shit beat out of him by the media and you've never questioned it. You, like many others, forget to really examine the whole Bonds idea. It's easier that way. Bonds is bad. People tell us he is. The media rams it down our throat. But where are the questions, Mr. Ecko? Why don't you ask where the good guy stories are? Todd Benzinger wrote a letter to the editor to SI in 1993 in which he describes Bonds rolling and playing on the floor with Benzinger's two year-old daughter. That's not the Bonds you know? The point is, there is always more to the story than black and white, good or bad. We know the bad guy tales. He's a cheater, and a cheater, and a dick, and a bad teammate. But he's a nice guy, and a good dad, and a good teammate. If it's your guy, Mr. Ecko, are you going to simply take the easy road, suspending intellectual honesty? No, you won't. You're going to do what we all did with Mark McGwire. Or Roger Clemens. It's hard to ask questions, but if you're going to permanently, arbitrarily, decide history, don't you owe it to all of us, even the sheep, to ask the real questions? Don't you owe it to everyone in the baseball world to recognize that you are not big enough to pass final judgement?

Monday, September 24, 2007

Worst. Call. Ever?

Niners ball on the Steelers' 32. 3rd and 13 in the 3rd quarter. Alex Smith hits Vernon Davis at the 10, seemingly giving the Niners a first and goal. But the ball pops free from Davis's grip as he hits the ground and the play is ruled a fumble. Mike Nolan correctly challenges the play, since replays clearly showed that Davis makes the catch, with the ball jarring free after his elbow has hit the ground. Easy. Simple. Fucked up by referee Jerry Austin, who in some weird exhibition of bullshit and double-talk ruled that because Davis had only gotten one toe on his second foot down, it was not a catch.

Austin's was a horrible call, primarily because of the simple fact that Davis maintained posession all the way to the ground. If nothing else, his elbow constituted that second foot. And he raises a new dilemma that is certain to plague the NFL throughout the rest of history: to which part of the body is the toe connected? Mike Nolan had gone to the challenge because of the fumble. In my recollection, the officials are only allowed to look at that specific aspect of the challenge, not some larger picture. If they ruled Davis had not made the catch, why not go all the way an rule it an interception rather than an incompletion? The ball clearly never hit the ground, and was caught in mid-air by a Pittsburgh DB.

It wasn't the only play the Niners needed. They didn't lose this game because of the pseudo reversal. It was wrong though, and took the Niners out of excellent position on a play in which they did everything right. It wasn't the worst call ever, which goes to the tuck-rule crew, but it was bad.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

An Open Letter to Joe Buck

You are awful. Awful, awful, awful, awful, awful. Terrible. I'm watching the Redskins/Giants. You and Troy Aikman are calling the game. Troy, meh. Tollerable. Moderately insightful. You are awful. The Buck Standard Call, or BS Call, goes something like:

"(Insert QB name)...(insert RB/WR/TE name)...what a hit by (insert LB/FS name)."

The real test of a tele commentator is, if I've got my back to the television, can I still tell what's happening if I just listen. With you, no way.

"(QB) steps (WR)...4th down."

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!! You add nothing. Your whole football modus operandi seems to consist of saying names. And adding unqualified color!

"What a throw by (QB)!"

Guh. Please get better. I know you're on FOX, and I know you guys think we are retarded, but please just get better. Don't think you can fool us by just talking.

Thanks, Joe. Now get back to baseball so I can mute you for the playoffs.


Saturday, September 15, 2007

You don't really have a point, so shut the...

I love the numbers in football. I don't really like watching games, mostly due to the after-play shenanigans. I'd rather watch the rotating scoreboard on NFL Network than a live game. Only a few teams play good football. While parity gives most teams a shot at the beginning of the year and shortens the shittiness cycle, it makes for some pretty crappy football. Among other reasons, guys are not with teams long enough to form real cohesiveness on offense, which makes for some boring shit more often than not. The Colts, Saints, Chargers, and Bengals are the obvious exceptions to this. The Niner-Cards game on Monday night was excruciating. The Bears-Bolts game was so bad, I left to go for a ride even though I had LT on my fantasy roster. The Cowboy-Giant game was the Jesus of the weekend, but even that game wasn't played particularly well.

Football is boring these days. I never used to listen to announcers. I used to watch the game. Madden and Summerall on Niner/Cowboy games were like some ambient glow rather than an intrusion. Michaels and Gifford were amazing, so much so that Dan Dierdorf's buffoonery was nothing more than a mosquito buzzing around your ear. Today, every tit with a microphone tries to be John Madden. Announcers tell you what to think about plays rather than describing them. The nice thing about Michaels and Summerall was that they'd let the viewer decide what they thought about a play. They left the color to the color guys, and even the color guys told you what happened, not what to think. Is it that football is so tough to watch that I can't help hearing crummy commentary? Or is it that crummy commentary is so bad that it's making football tough to watch. I don't know. I do know the experience that is football on television is almost unbearable. Thank God Madden and Michaels are together on Sunday night.

I was driving home on Monday from Vail to NorCal, listening to the Bengals-Ravens game. Boomer Esiason was doing the color alongside some douche I'd never heard of. Over and over Boomer talked about momentum. The Bengals had the momentum, then it turned and the Ravens did, then the Bengals got it back after a fumble recovery, then the Ravens had the momentum. He kept talking about it. Boomer, I know you're a frequent MHR reader, so if you're reading this, let me tell you something everyone else already knows. Momentum in sports is not real. If momentum switches seemingly from play to play, there is none. Please stop talking about it. And if the point you're trying to make isn't really panning out, don't try to make it work. You just look, or sound, silly.

So the whole experience has become very ho-hum. DMo, Sondog, the Butler and myself were at Sondog's house Sunday morning, excited as all hell to watch the opening Sunday of football season. We were all pretty hung-over so it wasn't the most reliable case-study, but Sondog ended up asleep on the floor and the rest of us left before the second game was at the quarter. Elam's kick at the gun was nice, especially since it got me four points in our fantasy league, but the day was a tough watch.

Friday, September 14, 2007

So, Meh...

I started a blog called, 'stopthefistpump' some time ago, and realized there was nothing to write about other than the title's suggestion. I haven't written anything there for a few months. I've decided to get it going again, but it won't be limited to fisting pumps. I've got the same address but a different name, so check it out. I don't know what I'll write about, or why the hell you'll care to read it.

The Secret of My Success

Fuck, I know. Every self-righteous douche that watches an NFL game, blogs (a little), and believes in an East-Coast bias is writing about Bill Belichick this morning.

So it turns out Belichick is a cheater. And we're not talking, "The camera was pointed at the coaching staff all game, so...maybe" cheating. Belichick was caught walking out of the bathroom with a 16-inch syringe sticking out of his ass. It took Roger Goodell four days to administer punishment. Evidently it was so blatant, that IT ONLY TOOK FOUR DAYS!! There are no former congressmen heading farcical task forces. There is evidence and punishment. There are no questions.

Well, okay, I guess there is one. How long has Belichick been doing this? There has to be a huge shadow over every single Pats win since he's taken over. Hell, there have to be questions at all his stops. John Clayton wrote this morning, "Belichick means everything to this team. He's the best coach in football. He has the best schemes in the league." Uh, no John, we don't know that anymore. We sure as hell know he's not the best creator of spying techniques. Thank capial g God he's not running shit for us in South Korea. His poor camera man would look Brad Pitt in Spy Game fucked, rather than simply escorted to the gates at The Meadowlands. I don't know what kind of coach he is. I don't know what his schemes look like without the benefit of knowing what's coming. This raises questions about everything involved with this organization, since Belichick has his hands in everything. And let's not assume he is the only person who knows what is going on. He is simply the ring-leader, and I'm sure players know the deal. This is organizational corruption. We know teams worry about cheating and a few have been accused. But never has an offense been so cut and dry.

Everything the Pats have done in their run is tainted. Is Belichick a great coach? Hell, beats me. I'm not willing to simply say that he is, the way John Clayton does. I know he's a cheater. I don't know if the capital g Golden Boy is the great quarterback we all think he is. I don't know if anyone on that team will now actually be able to play the way we've seen in the past. And if they do? Are they cheating? Has the guy with the 'best schemes in football' come up with the newest, best scheme in cheatball? There will always be questions. Not suggestions and winks and 'fuck, it was like they knew what was coming out there''s. Real, validated questions. And to this point, real, validated answers. Is the Bradyfallocentric ESPN going to wonder? No. They will still compare him to Joe Montana, forever pretending this is a Belichick-only issue. Belichick will get litle more than a figurative slap-on-the-wrist from the talking heads at the worldwide leader. Will they ask questions about asterisks next to each Pats Super Bowl win? Of course not. This is their team, their chiseled All-American guy, their brilliant coach.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Cowboy Mouth!!!!!!

Me getting ready to meet fred (Thumbs up!)

this is the lead singer/drummer fred

Me (on the left) and my buddy Danny

My wife Helen and Fred (the drummer/singer)

Ok guys, sorry it's been so long since I last blogged but things have been crazy since the wedding. Anyway, I am blogging because about a week before the wedding we went to Charlottesville and got to see one of our favorite bands. It was fucking nuts! I am telling you right now that if they ever come to your area you HAVE to go see them. I promise that you will have a blast if you like live music. I don't really know how to add all the sweet link but I am going to try. I am also going to try and post a few pics.
PS> They are coming to Richmond on Sept. 13th and we will be there!!!
PS> Their newest album is VOODOO SHOPPE

Wednesday, August 15, 2007



Please God, give us the Chevy "This is OOOOOOOUUUUUUR Country" back!!! We didn't mean it!


(I saw this first during the Chargers pre-season game the other night, and I fear it will be played one hundred billion times this football season)

Friday, August 10, 2007

Ramblings of Note

This edition of Ramblings of Note inspired by Awful Chief (Check Out My HEMI): The Lions Should Really Play in the Canadian Football League

Funniest. Fantasy. Football. Post. Ever (Kissing Suzy Kolber): AHHHHHH!!!! FRANK GORE BROKE HIS F--KING HAND!!!! brings you The Top 10 QB's of the Last 25 Years

Some people are beginning to ponder: Does Tebow Suck? The Gators think he does (Loser With Socks)

Finally, the truth: the reason for the famous strip club visit by Pacman Jones on the eve of his meeting with Pastor Roger Goodell- the food, man. (Larry Brown Sports)

Fantasy Football Draft Recap: Tank Johnson Desert Classic on Yahoo! Fantasy Sports- The guys from KSK, Shanoff, Will Leitch, NOIS, With Leather, EDSBS, Mighty MJD...I'm callin' Unsilent Majority for the win.

Look out Sondog, Bibby's brother told this dude he might want to play in Cleveland... (Log's Blog)

Ray Ankiel (not the guy from Ace Ventura) made Tony LaRussa cry with his home run. (the Pig Pen)

Yes, someone has already thought of a Michael Vick Dog Chew Toy. Damn. (Music City Miracles)

Sunday, August 05, 2007


A few random thoughts on last night's big event:

  • You stay classy, San Diego -- Classy, classy fans in San Diego. No syringes tossed on to the field. No boos. No "this is the worst moment in sports history! Think of the kids! The KIDS!!!!!" lunatic reasoning. Just a standing ovation and cheers. Ron Burgandy was right.

  • In the end, San Diego makes sense -- Bonds has hit more home runs in San Diego than in any other city in his career (other than San Francisco, of course). 756 will come at home where people will rejoice and dance and drink and all will be good. Nevertheless, San Diego was fitting for 755

  • It feels like the very first time. Oh it feels, it feels like the first time. Yeah it feels like the first time -- You know, I just can't concentrate when I get a Foreigner song stuck in my head. The opposite field shot -- just like Bonds' first career homer -- felt like the first time (give or take 95 pounds and a bad case of bacne).

  • "Save Until I Delete" was made for this -- There's a lot of crap saved in my TiVo, but this game will be there forever. Only two other Bonds' homers have reached the Save Until I Delete designation in my personal television version of the Hall of Fame. One is a game in Denver where the crowd was booing before a Bonds at bat, yet the television cameras focused on two Giants fans joyously celebrating. Those fans were DMo and myself. Next pitch: Gone. The other homer was Bonds blast off of an Eric Gagne 100 mph heater. Power vs. Power. Juice vs. Juice. The epitome of baseball for the last 15 years.

Friday, August 03, 2007

His Nickname is "The Bomb"

And he's not the King of Spain, either. But he is yet another voyage into the international arena for the Memphis Grizzlies. Pau Gasol has his buddy, and no reason to whine this year. Beale Street is gearing up for some serious basketball this year.

Juan Carlos Navarro. "La Bomba". Should be interesting to hear that rattled off in downtown Memphis. The deal is reportedly in exchange for "a lottery protected first round pick."(

Drafted by Washington in the second round of the 2002 NBA Draft, having played in Spain for FC Barcelona since 1997 (at age 17), Navarro will become a valuable asset right away.

Nice work.

Bonds needs to break the record so reporters can stop talking about it and start talking about how they couldn't stop talking about it

Or something like that. At least, that's according to Mark Kriegel of

Mark Kriegel: "Hey, I don't like Barry Bonds. Thought you should know that I'm bored."
Waiting for Barry Bonds to hit a homer has quickly become the most dreadful ritual in sports. In keeping with my wise friend's metaphor, it lacks the requisite feeling. It lacks passion.

It lacks so much passion that Kriegel feels passionate enough to write about it.

You could feel it from the press box, the mass resignation, the lack of drama.
As it pertains to Bonds tying and breaking Hank Aaron's home run record, everybody knows the deal:
-It is inevitable.
-It is tainted.
-It is what it is.
So, please, let's get it over with.

Yes, let's get it over with so we can write about how it was insane that we are captivated by it and can't stop talking about it. Then we can talk about how we couldn't stop talking about why we couldn't stop... and I've gone cross-eyed.

The rest of us were kind of bored, though. The highlight of the evening was Bonds' six-pitch at-bat in the first. He actually got a couple of pitches to foul off.

As it ended — with another Bonds walk — my friend the learned baseball man let out a sigh of relief. The excitement was almost too much for him.
"Whew," he said. "I think I need a cigarette after that one."
This has to end.
C'mon Barry. I'm rooting for you.

Hilarious commentary from Kriegel's "learned baseball man" aside, I can't quite figure out why sportswriters keep writing about how they're tired of writing about Bonds. Take last night's game, for example. You know, the Dodgers/Giants rivalry, the fact that the Dodgers are a first place team, the great GAME that actually took place around the Bonds circus, et. al., all could have inspired this douchebag to write something meaningful. Alas, he just wanted to write about the man who he didn't want to write about.

I've got an idea for Mark Kriegel: STOP GOING TO THE FRIGGIN' GAMES!!! Unbelievable.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

9-year-old kid recruited by Man Utd; Parents everywhere dream of early retirement

I just had a seizure upon learning the news that a 9-year-old from Australia was recruited by Manchester United. Man U went after the little tike after seeing his video on youtube. No contract has been offered at this time, but groupies throughout London are putting on their best push-up bras, shortest skirts, and lining up to... tell him that the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist?

And we thought Freddy Adu was young.

"Manchester United is proud of its history of developing talented young players, and invests considerable time and resources into trying to find the best young players of the future," the club said in a statement.

The club went on to say, "Sure, he's light years away from puberty, emotional maturity, acne, thinking girls have something other than cooties, enjoying a pint at a pub, understanding what the term "work ethic" means, understanding that monopoly money can't buy stuff in the real world, understanding that he can't really be Batman when he grows up, being able to say the word 'bollocks,' understanding the teamwork concept, or even wiping his own ass... but we think this kid has a chance to be something special."