Saturday, May 31, 2008

We're not bloggers. We're lazy douchebags.

Even though the two aren't mutually exclusive.  No, we're just busy.  I don't work in an office, thus the down parts of my day can't be filled with the paragon in profundity that are the Roscoe Galt rants about nothing and everything.  Instead, my posting is reserved, er, confined to the wee hours of the morning or the end of a day of which I've spent God knows how many hours wrangling cats.  Suddenly, bitching about Derek Fischer's foul feels trite, as it would to blast one primary photo after another of KG screaming or chest-thumping.  So to you, lone, solitary, singular, basement-dwelling MHR frequenter (?), I hope to...we, hope to again offer reason to be frequented, providing the kind of clear-headed, above-the-fray analysis and opinion consistent with someone who has been to the future, returned, and now blogs with the clarity and perception only 20-20 hindsight can afford.  Confused at all?    

On that note, what the fuck is up with the Giants losing the first two games of the Pads series after sweeping Arizona?  I mean, what the fucking fuck?  Suddenly, after looking promising, Pat Misch looks like a two-armed pickle throwing sauerkraut at a wall made of a mixture of pig and duck shit.  Dammit.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

She didn't need to do that, even though she really didn't

After Hildog's comments about Robert F. Kennedy's June 1968 assassination, she issued this non-apology apology, 

"The Kennedys have been much on my mind the last days because of Senator [Ted] Kennedy and I regret that if my referencing that moment of trauma for our entire nation, and particularly for the Kennedy family, was in any way offensive. I certainly had no intention of that, whatsoever.  My view is that we have to look to the past and to our leaders who have inspired us and give us a lot to live up to, and I'm honored to hold Senator [Robert] Kennedy's seat in the United States Senate from the state of New York and have the highest regard for the entire Kennedy family," 

Not only was the apology not technically an apology, even the effort was unnecessary.  Hildog's point making the initial comments had to have been, "Hey, anything can happen.  This shitty thing happened forty years ago.  Some other things that have mattered have happened this late in the race in the past.  So let's all calm the fuck down."  If that's what she meant, why not make that statement rather than the apology?  Because it demonstrates that a) she is sorry the comments have damaged her campaign, b) she is not sorry for the intent behind the comments, and c) is willing to placate supporters and interested parties by throwing up political nonsense  she and her staff thinks will sell with the rabble.  Sigh.  The furor exhibited by some is a demonstration in absurdity.  They know what she meant, but the current political environment is one that demands blandness and the khakization of our leaders, with pundits and doucheclowns ready to pounce on any perceived misstep.  The New York Post runs to Al Sharpton for a comment, who expresses a sense of outrage and dismay at Clinton's statements.  Outrage on who's behalf?  Obama's or Kennedy's?  Is she hoping someone goes all Sirhan Sirhan on Obama?  Fucking duh no, you stupid assholes.  But, no one knows what is going to happen at any time over the course of the next minute, let alone the next month.  Do we need everything said with the grace of, well, Grace Kelley?  How can the entire country seemingly unite behind the witch trial of calling a candidate an "elitist," yet expect elitism? 

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Might be funny to watch

New Giant Alex Hinshaw following his MLB debut against the White Sox and pitching well against the Rockies:

"When you first toe the rubber, it's always a jittery feeling because I only have a limited amount of...experience."

I couldn't help getting a visual of Hinshaw excitedly trying to roll a condom over his big toe.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

It's a crime

I'll be the first to admit I don't watch a lot of NBA basketball.  I think the last time I really paid attention to an entire season was 1996.  I still watch from time to time.  I went to a Kings game last year, mostly because the tickets were free.  I write that to demonstrate that even a guy who barely watches knows the number of steps LeBron was taking throughout game seven was out of control.  I mean, fucking come on.  A joke.  And the chest-pounding KG does or screaming and hopping around Paul Pierce did?  Guh.  I know it's a big game on a large scale.  You're playing in front of a lot of people in the stands and at home, but I've always supported the idea that you adapt to your situation.  When you were a kid did you scream after a three in one of those games played at half-time of the high school basketball game?  Or when you reached high school?  No.  Because it would have been stupid.  Szcerblinenanek hits a three and hops in the air to pump his fist?  Are you kidding me with this shit?  When does the cheeziness douchebaggery become an accepted, expected part of the game?  A sighing "fuuuuuuck" to it all.

This has to have been written by a high-schooler...

...because John Donovan's MLB Power Rankings at is awwwwwwful.  I can't tell if the whole thing is one guy's from-the-hip opinion, if there's any rhyme or reason to this picks, or if he just watches Sportscenter for his information.  Sightastic.  

Tampa Bay Rays - Are the Rays really the third-best team in baseball, you ask? Well, this week they are, I answer. After sweeping the Angels and beating the Yankees three out of four, everyone has to be impressed. Plus they're in first place in the most difficult division for a small-revenue team in baseball to win in, the American League East. Will they stay on top, you ask? Well, these aren't the All-Seeing PRs, I answer.

Wonderful, I sarcastically answer.  Jesus, talk about your qualifiers.  "Plus, they're in first place in the most difficult division for a small-revenue team in baseball to win in, the American League East."  

I'm not sure the Astros can stay here with that starting pitching -- in fact, I'm pretty sure they can't -- but give them credit for spunkiness. They've won six times when behind after eight innings. That?s spunky-riffic. Meanwhile, Lance Berkman continues to swing the bat like an MVP (his .391, 15 homers, 43 RBIs are only a few points on the batting average short of Triple Crown stuff), pushing the Astros to 11 wins in their last 13 games.

Houston has the 11th best record in baseball but is fourth on this list.  Clearly, the team's +513 spunkiness factor bumped them up the list.  The Astros are like the baseball version of a sophomore cheerleader.  Yahoo!  And parenthetically, Berkman's doing something good to help.  

More importantly, what are Donovan's criteria?  Clearly, he does not think the Astros are going to bee this good all year.  Is it about right now?  Or a team's actual perceived goodness on the Donovan-abortion-nothing-new-rip-off-of-every-other-power-rankings-scale?  Cripes.

Ex-ace John Lackey is back, and he looked pretty good Wednesday against the White Sox. Not good enough for the Halos to win, unfortunately, but good enough to give Angels' fans plenty to hope for in the next few months. This weekend, the Big A hosts the cross-sprawl Dodgers in the opening of interleague play. It's great when these two sets of rowdy fans start throwing California rolls and guacamole at each other.

I have two problems with this.  1) what is this condescending bullshit and 2) when was John Lackey an ace?  Do a team's fan's ferocity and narcissism regarding their teams have anything to do with the Angels' spot on the list.  Fuck, dude.  A joke about Californians eating sushi and avocados.  I think 1989 just winked at you.  Well done, doucheclown.  Fuck, Phillie fans eat boxes of rusty nails at the game.  You should be there to see the fans when The Cards and Royals hook up.  Two of the seven grains in their cereal are tornado dust and Mississippi silt.  

How can you not absolutely love Manny Ramirez? So he hangs his teammates out to dry once in a while, and his defense is not something he really bothers with most nights, and he sometimes looks as if he'd rather be anywhere than where he is. Sometimes, in fact, he looks like he is someplace else. Still, that catch the other day, where he high-fived the fan and then completed a double play? Priceless.

Aside from these eight reasons, how could you not love Manny?  Oh yeah, Manny being Manny means the Red Sox are #6 on the list.  

The Phillies are a little worried about Brett Myers, who is 0-3 with a 7.62 ERA in his last five starts. "It's almost a little bit of the Adam Eaton syndrome, where any time the ball was anywhere near the hitting zone, they killed it," catcher Chris Coste said. I don't know what the Eaton Syndrome is, exactly, but it sounds awfully scary. Hope Myers and ace Cole Hamels are on opposite sides of the clubhouse.

Hahaha.  You don't know what Adam Eato...oh he for you.  

The Marlins had it going on with a seven-game winning streak until they ran into -- the Reds? With three losses in Cincinnati (and a rainout Thursday), the Fish showed again that they can flop around with the best, and the worst, of them. Love the imminent signing of Hanley Ramirez. Still don't think that makes this a playoff team.

So a contract extension for a guy already playing for the Marlins might now transform them into a playoff team?  Analysis complete, and check cashed.    

Are we all psyched up about another Subway Series this weekend? It'll be the last, you might have heard, in the old Yankee Stadium. Unless, of course, the Yanks and Mets meet in the World Series again. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. I crack myself up. I better stop laughing. Billy Wagner is liable to bite my head off.

Why the Wagner-bash?  He was pissed because his teammates weren't talking to reporters.  
Hank's barking about wanting to be more like the Rays. If the seat of Brian Cashman's pants get any hotter, he's gonna earn his own MTV show. The lineup just hit .197 against Tampa Bay. Another week in paradise.         

I'll admit, I don't get the MTV joke.  Is it about hot girls with hot-pants.  Is there a new show called "The Hot Seat" I've never seen.  I haven't watched MTV in like 10 years, so I'm lost.  Speaking of Lost, my guess is that Jin, Desmond and Micheal are about to die on the boat.  Micheal's story has petered out, Desmond has had his reconnection with Penny, and Sun told the reporters that Jin had not died on the island.  Desmond is my - a lot of peoples, really -favorite character, but the writers have been known to fuck us before.  Hello, Mr. Eko. 
Ken Griffey Jr. told new GM Walt Jocketty, according to the Enquirer, that he wants to play in Cincy and win a championship there. Jocketty has had no trade discussions with anyone about Junior. Did I mention Griffey is hitting .250 with four homers?

I mean, isn't ripping on Griffey Jr. just stupid at this point?  And wouldn't it be more appropriate to rip on him if he were demanding a trade despite his BA and bombs?  The guy's not having the greatest year, but he's on base a lot (.335).

GM Brian Sabean told the Chronicle the other day that, "we've got to be considered one of the most improved teams in baseball." This is prime material for a wisecrack. But I am speechless. How about you, Giants' fans?

I know they've floundered a bit lately, but I totally agree that this is one of the most improved teams in baseball.  Considering the team was universally chosen to win seven games all year, a lot of young players are getting a chance to play, Brian Wilson is one of the best closers in baseball, and Tim Lincecum is a stud, yeah, I'd say they're much improved and their situation has improved since the beginning of the year.  

Interesting story in the Times the other day asking if the diverse M's, who have players from 10 different countries and territories, are suffering from a communications gap. The M's say no. Which leads us to conclude that they just stink.

MLB players are a bunch of ethnocentric fags. 

Jeebus, man, isn't the whole snarky power rankings thing a little played by now?

Friday, May 09, 2008

Once and Again

Richie Sexson reproves the oldest of adages, "Richie Sexson is a clownfucker douche."  Way to charge the mound because of a pitch that was over the plate, fucknuts.  Bugs and Cranks has the video.