Friday, September 30, 2005

The Games I Will be Watching on Sunday

San Diego @ New England (-5.5): A lot of the so-called "experts" have picked San Diego to come in and steal a game in Boston. True, New England lost its best tackle and secondary player for the season. But, knowing Bill Belichick, one can surmise that Tom Brady will fill the roll of Rodney Harrison admirably, while Kevin Faulk will seamlessly slide into the tackle position. In fact, I read somewhere that The Coach plans on using his dog, Cannibal, on third-down situations. I can see Boston's utter lack of concern from here. New England wins this game and easily covers the spread.

New England's new third-down back, Cannibal

Denver @ Jacksonville (-4): Classic, classic case of Monday Night hangover for Denver this week. Three things are going against them: 1) They dominated Kansas City in every aspect of the game on Monday, giving them an undeserved sense of accomplishment, 2) Their coach is still Mike Shannahan, which essentially is the equivalent of Denver spotting the Jags 10 points, 3) their quarterback is still Jake Plummer, who was THRILLED that he didn't turn the ball over on Monday. Hey, Jake, THAT'S YOUR JOB! In Jacksonville, Byron Leftwich is quickly gaining the reputation as the toughest QB in the game. Have you seen some of the hits this guy takes? It's been posted here before, but I can see him losing his arm in a game, and writing it off as a mere flesh-wound. Remember the scene at the end of Platoon where William DaFoe is running from the entire Viet Cong as his unit watches from a helicopter above? He continually gets riddled with bullets, but somehow he keeps running? I thought this scenario was pure fiction until I watched Leftwich in the Indianapolis game. I would not be surprised to see him lose his left foot on a wicked sack, yet somehow hop around on one leg like a pogo-stick for the remainder of the game, refusing to let his team lose. Anything can happen with this guy. Jacksonville takes this one.

Still photo of Byron Leftwich against Indianapolis

Indianapolis (-7) @ Tennessee: One question: What the hell happened to Indy's offense? What used to be the fastest show no turf has been slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Yet, they are undefeated because of their defense. Wait, on second thought, another question: Indy has a defense? When did this happen? Indy will bust out offensively like Anna Nicole Smith in a push-up bra this weekend, coinciding with the rotation of the earth returning to normal. It's the only reason I can think for their early offensive deficiencies. It's just science. Indy wins big.

Philly @ Kansas City (-2.5): Will Kansas City rebound from its Monday Night debacle? Will they finally use Priest Holmes as an every-down back, rather than alternate with Larry "On the floor biatch!" Johnson? (Please, for the love of God, Vermeil, please use him every down, I'm begging you) Will Donovan McNabb and T.O. brush aside their petty differences and publicly display their love for one another by doing the nasty on the sidelines? So many questions, so much drama. Prediction: Vermiel cries at some point; Donovan and T.O. have another fight and bitch-slap each other, and the entire game is syndicated by CBS and turned into a new afternoon soap. Fascinating stuff. And Philly will win.

St. Louis @ NY Giants (-3): Little known fact found in the biography of Albert Einstein. After calculating the speed of light, he made this incredible discovery: Mike Martz = Worst. Coach. Ever. Soon, I'm writing 3,000 words on why this is the scientific data. But, for now you just have to believe me. Example 1: Martz challenged THE OPENING KICKOFF IN WEEK 1... AND LOST!!! The word "Douchebag" applies mightily as the force is strong with this one. If you remember one thing from this (write this down), never, ever, under any circumstances, bet on Mike Martz. Trust me on this one. Giants win and cover the spread.

Minnesota @ Atlanta (-6): I have no idea what to think of this Vikings team. There was a Daunte Culpepper sighting last week, saving Mike Tice's job for one more game, and keeping legions of fantasy owners from jumping off the Metrodome roof. Do they miss Randy Moss this bad? In Atlanta, every week without a Mike Vick injury is a small victory for the Falcons. Seriously, when will Jim Mora Jr. kill this ridiculous experiment and put Vick at halfback? Just do it already. I think (really, this is difficult) this game (still thinking) will be tighter (?) than the spread indicates (if you're betting on this, don't), but Atlanta will prevail on a late field goal (sounds about right).

Dallas @ Oakland (-3.5): Drew Bledsoe was DYING to throw an interception or fumble in the fourth quarter last week in SF. You could feel it. As a 49er fan, you were just waiting for it... wondering who would get the INT. Alas, Bledsoe, Keyshaun, Tuna, and Terry Glenn prevailed, providing all with an undeserving sense of accomplishment. In Oakland, the Raiders are 0-3 after their opening schedule from hell (@ New England, Kansas City, @ Philly -- honestly, do you think Paul Tagliabue is still laughing?), and they're due for a victory. Randy Moss and Kerry Collins will light it up in the jungle, and 314 fans will be arrested after the game, just because.

Coming Saturday, breakdown of a game only a mother (or a fan) could love: San Francisco vs. Arizona in Mexico City.

The Houston Texans' offense in 2005...  Posted by Picasa

Thursday, September 29, 2005

The Games I Will Not be Watching on Sunday

Houston @ Cincinnati (-10): While it's not just a rumor that this game will not be in my NFL Ticket rotation on Sunday, this is a pretty intriguing matchup between a team that is flailing like a hooked salmon, and a team that is crawling out from the dust of 16 years of misery. Houston came into the season looking like a team that was ready to make the playoffs. They have a quarterback primed to make "The Leap," a running back who seemed destined to be one of the top-5 fantasy backs in football (DAMNED YOU FANTASY FOOTBALL GUIDE!! DAMNED YOU!!!!), and a wide receiver who looked primed for a T.O.-type breakout (without the drama, headaches, PMSing, et. al.). That being said, Houston's offense has been an absolute train-wreck through its first two games. In fact, the Texans hit the panic button after week two and fired their offensive coordinator. On the other side of the ball, the Bungals (sorry, force of habit) have looked like one of the best teams in the NFL. No, really, I'm serious. I know, I can hardly believe it myself, but I'm serious. So, what we have here is a team that is rolling (Bungles... Damnit!), and a team that is trying desperately just to move the ball past mid-field. In addition, the boys in Vegas have the Bengals as a ten-point favorite. Add that up, and the sum equals an incredibly obvious upset. Houston covers the spread, but Cincy wins the game.

Buffalo @ New Orleans (in San Antonio): True quote from J.P. Losman earlier this year after spending a day with Bret Favre, "He invited me into the house for a little bit. There he was with his tight little shorts, no shirt and his little red hat. He was doing some farming or something. He was covered in dirt. It was awesome." Wha? I couldn't make that up if I tried. I would love to speak more about this game, but it is written in scripture that you should never, ever, under any circumstances, bet on a team that is from a city recovering from a catastrophic natural disaster. Really, you can look it up. In fact, if I speak any more on this game, I fear I will be struck down by lightning.

NY Jets @ Baltimore (-7.5): Remember that scene in Major League where the construction worker (who is now the janitor in Scrubs) picks up the newspaper to see who made the Cleveland Indians roster? He turns to his buddy and says, "Who are these fu**ing guys?" Well, that was Ravens' coach Brian Billick this week during practice, but he was speaking of his own offense. Can you name three Ravens not named Lewis? Neither can he. Yet, somehow, they're favored by a touchdown to win this game. Could be from the fact that the Jets are starting a quarterback that has a PERFECT name for a porno. Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce, Brooks Bollinger! Prediction: The Jets easily cover the spread, win the game, and I will be wishing I was Brooks Bollinger on Sunday evening.

Detroit @ Tampa Bay (-6.5): While Jeff Garcia gets nursed back to health by his Playmate of the Year girlfriend, Joey Harrington continues to struggle. Dude, you have the Holy Trinity of young wide receivers at your disposal, and a back that is just begging to have a breakout year (at least that's what I was anticipating when I took him in the third round of my draft). If Joey doesn't do something soon, I have a feeling that Matt Millen is going to go all Al Pacino in Scarface on him. In Tampa, after setting the record for most rushing yards for a rookie after two weeks in week 2, Cadillac Williams went out and set the record for most rushing yards for a rookie after three weeks in week 3. (Note to all NFL pre-game show producers: If you tell your anchors to bring this fact up one more friggin' time, somebody is going to be drug out to the street and shot like a racehorse with a broken ankle. I'm not joking anymore.) Tampa covers the spread and wins this game as Millen gives Harrington a Jon Gruden-type stank-eye through the entire game.

Seattle @ Washington (-2): I read this week that Shaun Alexander has "literally been carrying Seattle on his back in the early-season." Really? Literally? Wow, that must be heavy. I don't want to go off on a rant here, but the word "literally" is not only the most over-used word in our lexicon, but it is also the most misused word. I literally crap my pants when I see it in the wrong context. Seriously, it causes a literal shit-storm in my mind as to how people don't understand when it is appropriate to use the word "literally." My brain literally oozes out of my ear with frustration. Anyways, I see Seattle literally running all over Washington as they are literally carried around by the literal giant that is Alexander. Joe Gibbs will literally have a brain aneurysm from watching his offense literally do nothing.

"Why, yes, I literally crapped my underpants from laughter."

Links of the Day

You gotz to gives it to Kanye West. One "little" ad-lib, and now he's got a new single...

And all because of this nonsensical babbling. The look of utter confusion on the face of Mike Myers is absolutely priceless...

Also, Chad Johnson breaks out what could be the best endzone celebration of all-time. If you can come correct with the Riverdance, you're a-okay in my book

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Running away from something? These guys can help! Call 1-800-douchebags. Posted by Picasa

What's on the Magic Picture Box?

The following is one man's opinion of a few shows on the NBC and FX Fall lineup:

My Name is Earl: Earl is a refreshing comedy that most of us can relate to. It's brilliantly produced and immediately leaves you wanting more. Wow, did that sound like something straight from TVGuide? Entertainment Weekly? Thought so. I don't know why that would be. It's not like this was THE most hyped show of the season in print, radio, and TV advertising or anything. It's not like I heard these ads in my sleep. Point is, it's the best new comedy of the season... Jason Lee nails it with this immediate classic... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP!!!

The Office: So painful to watch, you just can't pull away. It has this sadomasochistic hold on me... hang on, did I just say that out loud? Somehow, since his days on The Daily Show, Steve Carril actually became funny. I know, I'm as shocked as you are, but it's true. It's true. There are too many parallels between this show and real-life cubicle land to turn away. It's very much like watching a bad car accident. You know you should turn away. Lord knows you shouldn't be laughing either. But, as is the case in life, you just can't help but stare and chuckle at someone else's misery.

Over There: Incredibly gripping drama about a make-believe war in a place far, far away. I mean, could you imagine if people were actually going through this stuff? The place where it's filmed looks like a third-world coun.... wait a minute... you mean, it is actually happening?!?! Wow. You know, that's really something, because I would have felt so much better about myself and my military if it wasn't true. Seriously, while viewing, I firmly believe that it is critical to keep telling yourself, "You are not being desensitized. You are not being desensitized. You are not being desensitized."

Law & Order, SVU: I'm waiting for the episode where Benson and Stabler just get it over with and rip each other's clothes off. Seriously, the sexual tension is tighter than Meryl Streep's face. I want this to happen. This... Must... Happen. I fully realize the show is about sex crimes, but what could be more criminal than these two not hooking up? District Attorney Novak should prosecute both to the full extent of the law if this doesn't happen before week 5. Either that, or Ice-T can pull out his nine and busta' cap.

LasVegas: I've always said that Nikki Cox had incredible, er... acting skills? Vanessa Marcil, Molly Sims, Rachael Leigh Cook, and Marsha Thomason are all part of the eye-candy as well. Word has it that they've added a topless bathing pool. 15-year-old boys around the country can be found in their bathrooms from 9:00-10:00 PM every Monday night. From what I understand, the plot surrounds some fictional casino, but I haven't quite understood that part yet. The only downfall I can find is that this season, the skeleton formerly known as Lara Flynn Boyle joined the cast (Okay, seriously, you're telling me she's GAINED WEIGHT?!?! How thin was this woman before? Could you actually see her internal organs at one time?). The only thing missing is more pool scenes. Bummer of it is that the air-time totally conflicts with Monday Night Football. And this is why, on the eighth day, God invented TiVo. And we all ate, and drank, and danced, and everything was good.

Scrubs: The... Funniest... Show... On... TV.

Nip/Tuck: Very bizarre plot, but its best aspect is that this show has nudity. I've seen more three-ways in the first two episodes than at a (expletive/deleted/not suitable for print). Did I mention that this show has nudity? It's really incredible, because it has all kinds of nudity.

The Apprentice, Martha Stewart: I caught 10 minutes of this show tonight. I will never have those 10 minutes of my life back, and I didn't even get to learn how to make a freakin' throw-pillow. Damn you Martha!!

Will & Grace: Wait a minute... this show is still on?

E-Ring: Hey, Dennis Hopper... The cast of Hoosiers called, and they want you back. Something about being "non-convincing," whatever that means.

Medium: So, let me get this straight... Patricia Arquette wins an Emmy for playing the same character that Haley Joel Osmont played in The Sixth Sense? Where's Bruce Willis when you need him? Hey, Patricia, we all get it. You see dead people. That's fantastic.

Rescue Me: Some people swear by this show. Personally, if I'm going to watch 60 minutes of Dennis Leary, I want to see him chain-smoking, dropping f-bombs, and insulting any and everybody in a stand-up act.

It's Always Funny in Philadelphia: Apparently, it's not.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

The Life of a Fan

Somewhere around 10:45 on Monday night, many residents of River Oaks awoke to the sounds of utter euphoria. The San Francisco Giants entered a four-game series with the division leading San Diego Padres only four games behind, with seven games to play. The ONLY way the Giants would have a chance to win the division would be to sweep all four games in San Diego. With two outs in the top of the ninth inning on Monday night, it looked like the Giants' season was coming to an anticlimactic end. The Giants were down 2-1, and hall-of-famer-to-be Trevor Hoffman was on the mound for the Padres. The exuberant cheers from my house came when Randy Winn hit an improbable triple off the glove of an outstretched Brian Giles, to score the tying run (Winn ultimately scored the winning run). During the game-winning rally, I was possessed by the ghost of 1980 Miracle on Ice announcer Al Michaels, as I ran around the house screaming, "DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! YES!!!" For one night, I believed (for the 423rd time this year), that the Giants' could indeed win the putrid National League West. Thus, to keep myself from going into an anxiety-induced panic attack during Tuesday's game, I decided to keep a running diary of events. The following is a recap of the exact events as they transpired:

8:05 PM Randy Winn steps in for the first pitch. Just read that Winn is leading the league in batting avg. and slugging percentage in the month of September. With his torrid two-month stint in SF (after coming over in a deadline deal with Seattle), Winn has cemented his spot as the best mid-season pickup since Leonardo DiCaprio joined the cast of Growing Pains during season five. As if on cue, Winn hits a dead quail that falls between SS and CF. At exactly the same time, Kirk Cameron's star is seen plummeting to the earth.

8:15 PM Barry Bonds steps to the plate with runners on first and third. Bonds went 0 for 5 last night, and if you have watched Bonds through the years, you know he's going to hit one out here. Giants' announcer Mike Krukow mentions that Bonds had a great batting practice session, hitting balls with authority to the opposite field.

8:16 PM Bonds hits a three-run homerun to the opposite field. 3-0 Gigantes. There is no way they are going to lose this game.

8:17 PM Just learned from Krukow that Bonds was playing chess before the game with third-base coach Gene Glynn. Congress is now investigating whether or not Bonds' rook and queen were taking Human Growth Hormone or anabolic steroids. Bonds loses the match, and blames the media. Congress blames Bonds for the dwindling popularity of chess.

8:20 PM The footsteps that San Diego is hearing just increased in volume by 300%. Padres Manager Bruce Bochy is seen borrowing Rafael Palmeiro's earplugs.

8:21 PM Bochy just realized Bret Tomko was pitching for the Giants. He exhales and starts preparing for the post-season.

8:34 PM Tomko gives up three runs as the Padres tie the game in the bottom of the first 3-3. I can't make this stuff up. Giants GM Brian Sabean is seen purchasing a one-way ticket on Orbitz to Bolivia for a passenger (last name) Tomko, (first name) Bret.

8:55 PM Moises Alou hits a run-scoring triple to give the Giants a 5-3 lead. Tomko, who has blamed his teammates all season for his struggles, appears to be gaining confidence as he pitched a shutout inning in the bottom of the second. San Diego is backed into a corner. The animal known as Momentum is in the Giants' dugout, and it just seems like his girlfriend Fate is there as well.

9:12 PM Tomko, during warm-ups, pukes on himself from nerves. It's apparent at this point that Tomko is going to turn this into one of his infamous crapfests.

9:13 PM Krukow mentions for the 37th time that Padres' catcher Ramon Hernandez has killed the Giants all year. Tomko would be wise to avoid him in this at bat, despite two-runners being on base. Tomko proceeds to give up a two-run triple to Hernandez. The catcher now has three RBI on the night. Manager Felipe Alou decides to stick with Tomko after Bret finds a way to blame the Giants' PR staff for his struggles on this evening. Game tied at 5. If you will excuse me, I'm going to go poke my eyes out with a pair of chopsticks.

9:23 PM Winn leads off the top of the fourth by singling to center for his third hit of the game. In the series, Winn is 7 for 7, with a triple and two doubles. Bochy is seen calling in the San Diego S.W.A.T. to set up sniper positions over the center field wall. Winn is simply refusing to let Tomko screw this up.

9:25 PM Winn scores on a sacrifice fly by J.T. Snow. As he is running back to the dugout, Winn grabs Snow's bat, and pulls a Nancy Kerrigan on Tomko. As is the norm for the journeyman pitcher, Tomko is on the ground shouting, "WHY ME? DEAR GOD, WHY ME???"

9:26 PM For the second time tonight, Bonds walks as new pitcher Clay Hensley simply underhands each pitch to the catcher. As he's trotting to first, three Congressmen blame Bonds for the missing WMD's.

9:30 PM Just found out from a commercial that Viagra is sponsoring the Comeback Player of the Year. What the hell is that statue going to look like? Do we really need Viagra to sponsor an award? I mean, this is the same company that has Rafael Palmeiro as a sponsor. Really, if the best person you can find for your spokesperson has a porn-star mustache, you're in trouble. And they're sponsoring the Comeback Player of the Year? Seriously? Speaking of Viagra (to borrow a line that I heard on Comedy Central), if I have an erection that lasts longer than three hours, I'm not just contacting my doctor; I'm calling EVERYBODY I KNOW.

9:35 PM Alou wakes up from his mid-game nap and replaces Tomko with 57-year-old Jeff Fassero. On his way to the locker room, Tomko decides to blame his teammates' diverted attention towards Hurricane Rita for his poor performance. Fassero hands his walker to Alou and begins warming up.

9:47 PM With two-outs in the bottom of the fourth, J.T. Snow makes an uncharacteristic error to allow San Diego to load the bases for the aforementioned Ramon Hernandez. It didn't help that Fassero had walked two runners as well. Giants Nation has seen this before, as Momentum and Fate spring from the Giants' dugout and dive into the Padres' dugout. For the 121st time, Krukow mentions that Hernandez has KILLED the Giants this year.

9:48 PM Tough spot for Fassero here. He can't give anything good to hit to Hernandez, but he can't just walk him with the bases full. This at bat very well could determine the season.

9:49 PM Grand Slam by Hernandez. I can't believe this. 9-6 Padres. I'm speechless. In related news, 53 people just jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. If you will excuse me, I'm going to go spray mace in my eyes, cover my body in glue, and roll around in a room full of razor blades.

10:10 PM The proverbial wind is slowing to a creep behind the Giants' proverbial sail. Winn leads off the top of the sixth by grounding out to first base. The Grim Reaper is seen standing behind Felipe Alou, but there is no word as to whether it is for the team or for the 104-year-old manager.

10:24 PM At this point, with such an utter sense of hopelessness, I'm trying in vain to find something to entertain me. Suddenly, the Geico commercial with Tony Little comes on. I would have loved to hear that initial conversation after some Geico exec said, "Hey, let's contact Tony Little!"

Geico: "So, um, Tony, um, how would you like to make an absolute douchebag out of yourself for a commercial?"
Tony: "Sounds great! Tell me more!
Geico: "Basically, we want you to mock your entire career."
Tony: "Do I get to wear spandex and have my hair in a ginormous pony tail?"
Geico: "You can dooooo it!!"

10:25 PM I can't think of a more uninspiring phrase than, "Now pitching for the Giants, Brian Cooper." It's worth noting that Cooper pitched in Japan last year. It's also worth noting that had he had success in Japan, Cooper probably would still be pitching in Japan.

10:45 PM Winn strikes out swinging with one out in the top of the 8th. A snowball just darted through hell.

10:50 PM J.T. Snow grounds out to end a two-out threat. With the Giants down three runs, and Trevor Hoffman coming in with a three-run cushion in the ninth, this game is all but over. The Giants need another miracle. Al Michaels, we need you.

10:55 PM Latroy Hawkins pitches a 1-2-3 bottom of the 8th for what seems like the first time in his career. What a quick inning. It's worth noting that the Giants gave up two young prospects for Hawkins. The words "monumental" and "bust" are often seen in print next to Hawkins' name in Chicago and San Francisco. No, I'm not bitter at this point.

10:59 PM Bonds flies out to center field to lead off the 9th. President Bush makes a surprise appearance to blame Bonds for the slow recovery effort in New Orleans.

11:05 PM Giants lose 9-6. They no longer control their own destiny as San Diego's magic number stands at 2. San Francisco is 4 games back with 5 left to play. Miracle doesn't begin to describe what now needs to happen.

11:20 PM I'm going to go cry myself to sleep on the couch while trying to figure out if there is anything more important to life than baseball. At this point, I'm having a hard time coming up with anything.

If you get lost between the moon and New York city...

Welcome to a place where you can publish your thoughts on sports, music, sports, movies, sports, TV, all things pop-culture, and sports. I like to ramble and rant. In fact, I often spend hours out of my day ranting about trivial sports facts or mind-numbing television shows. Now, you might be wondering why I think I'm special enough to start a blog. The short answer is that, well, I'm not. I just like to comment about things that irritate, motivate, or fascinate. If you're reading this, I'm betting you do as well. If you don't, then go away.

The undeserving look of accomplishment Posted by Picasa