Wednesday, December 27, 2006

More Ron-Ron

by SonDog

This entire post is from Mark Stein's blog on ESPN Insider:

"I think Ron Artest, deep down, would be thrilled with a trade to the Clippers.

I'm even more convinced that the Kings have realized, rather suddenly, that they better trade Artest as soon as possible if they hope to get back something of value. To L.A. or wherever. I'm not quite sure why the Clips believe their honeymoon with Artest would last any longer than it did for Sacramento, but they're apparently giving serious consideration
to reviving the deal that was nearly consummated with Indiana in January 2005: Corey Maggette for Artest.

Artest has heard all of the above and more. He's well aware that skepticism about his conduct with the Kings and his relationship with the point guard is growing. Yet he insists that No. 1 on my list -- the only one of those three items Artest can address directly -- is a skewed view.

"I want to finish my career here in Sac with Mike Bibby," Artest stressed in a series of e-mails we exchanged. Artest also disputes the widespread notion that he and Bibby are wrestling for control of the team, insisting that he's "looking forward to buying a big mansion here [in Sacramento] next summer."

The irony, of course, is that Artest signed a six-month lease on a rental property in Clipperland about this time a year ago, before the Clips consummated anything. The Pacers wound up aborting that Maggette-for-Artest trade over concerns about Maggette's recovery from knee surgery. Now? The Clips are sorting through their own reservations. There's no question they need a shakeup, especially defensively. It's also true that they can get Artest without Sacramento even bringing up Shaun Livingston, whom L.A. refused to part with during the Allen Iverson Sweepstakes.

However . . . The root of the Kings' newfound tension, by all accounts, is Artest's Whose Team Is It? tangle with Bibby. With the Clips, you could make the case that Artest wouldn't be higher in their pecking order than No. 3 or 4, with Elton Brand, Sam Cassell and Livingston on the same roster.

You suspect he'd have to be really geeked about the Hollywood music scene, and what it can do for his rap career, to be OK with that status. The Kings' position is easier to figure. Even though co-owner Joe Maloof branded Artest as their "face of the franchise" over the summer -- and even though Gavin Maloof said late last season that he and his gambling brother hoped to keep Artest in Kings robes "forever" -- recent events pretty much forced an about-face. If Artest isn't traded soon and more chaos ensues, his limited trade market shrinks further.

He's not Allen Iverson, remember. With Iverson, interested teams fretted about AI's willingness to share the ball and his well-chronicled aversion to practice, but no one doubts his readiness to play or ability to sell tickets. The list of concerns is a lot longer with Artest. A chronic lack of dependability got him exiled from Chicago and Indiana and the Kings are starting to know the feeling. We covered a bunch of it in
the Weekend Dime. In Monday's Sacramento Bee, my colleague Sam Amick reported that Artest "has been acting very emotional and unpredictable for some time, including . . . one stretch in which he 'didn't talk to (his teammates) for four days.'"

"Just false reports," Artest counters. "I'm happy here and want to be a part of the new Sacramento Kings. We are so competitive that, when we lose, it's not something we [can] get used to. Most teams lose and you won't hear a thing the whole season. On this team, Mike will blame himself and I will blame myself. But we are playing better and Brad Miller is back, so people should expect wins."

As for Bibby, who can opt of his contract at season's end to enter free agency, Artest added: "We talked [at Sunday's practice] and we talk every day. We have to get used to playing with each other. But we both plan to stay in Sac."

A cynic might say that Artest is saying all the right things to convince the Clips to ignore any reservations they might have and go through with the deal.

Me? I have to think Artest, deep down, knows staying or going won't be his call at all."

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Snubbings

by the butler

I know the Pro Bowl doesn't matter. Pretty sure I've never actually watched it. However, it's nice to see the right players being selected, you know, "for the principality of the matter".

Plenty of arguments can be made for and against a number of players, but a few selections jumped out at me. First and foremost, Tony "why should this guy get to bang Jessica Simpson?" Romo. Sure he looks good, but Pro Bowl caliber? If Romo makes it, I say Damon Huard should make it. Whatever. Chalk this one up to slim pickings in the NFC this year, with Hasselbeck, Eli Manning, and Delhomme having crappy seasons. Add McNabb's injury and there you have it -Marc "only real homos spell it with a c" Bulger and Romo are Pro Bowlers (remember last year, when Steve McNair made it because of injuries to Carson Palmer, Brady, Brees, Jake Plummer, and Gus Frerotte?) Wait...isn't Michael "I got snubbed for a guy whose name rhymes with Homo?" Vick in the NFC?

(I can picture Sexy Rexy Grossman in a circle of his buddies, "I definitely had it...if only I hadn't blown it in weeks 6, 9, 12, and 13...)

I like Anquan Boldin. He's a beast. I bet cornerbacks hate to be matched up with him. But how do you not make the Pro Bowl last year (102 rec. 1402yds, 7TD), then have a significantly worse season the following year (79 rec. 1091yds, 4TD) and end up as a starter? A make-up for last year's snubbing, maybe?

(Anyone else notice that the AFC's four WR's could have easily been Harrison, Wayne, Chad Johnson, and Houshamazilly?)

Couple others of note: Jeremy "I think I'm a rock star" Shockey getting in over the slightly less glamorous Chris Cooley, and Philip "my whole team made the Pro Bowl" Rivers over Brady.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

by SonDog

Merry Christmas to everybody and best wishes for a great 2007. I'm not great at sending out Christmas cards, so consider this post and picture my Christmas greeting to you...

Jackson on opening night of the 2006/2007 Sacramento Kings season


-- Looks like things are falling apart in Sacramento. Could it be that my #93 Kings jersey will soon be a throwback? Since it hasn't even been a full season, can I get my money back?

-- I'll write more about this soon, but I plan on picking up a Denver/Iverson jersey as soon as I can. The more I think about it, the more I'm excited about the possibilities in Denver. And yes, that is a 180 degree turn from what I wrote a week ago. As you know, I'm a numbnuts.

-- Kobe Bryant is an idiot and his comments about Gilbert Arenas' 60 point night simply add to my hatred of the Mamba. (This link doesn't really do his comments justice, but I'm in a hurry.)

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Mind of Kings Fans

by SonDog

That's right. BH's favorite post is back. The long-overdue email conversation between two die-hard Sacramento Kings fans is back. The Kings... are not back. The following is a two-day email thread between OZ and myself, touching on the Kings, the Mamba, Isiah Thomas, Denver, and the All-Hate Team.

SonDog: So, do we blow this team up, or is there still a chance at the playoffs?

OZ: Nobody can have a definitive answer to that 23 games into the season. It sure isn't looking good though. The scary part about this skid is they are progressively playing worse and worse. Their defense is as non-existent as ever and the lack of an offensive flow is actually getting frustrating, albeit not as frustrating as listening to Jerry Reynolds whine about it.

SonDog: If I hear Jerry Reynolds bitch about the offense one more time, I may throw Porter through my tv. (He's a tough dog and would thoroughly enjoy it.) There seems to be no chemistry whatsoever right now. Brad Miller is lost on both ends of the court, Bibby is shooting them out of games, and Artest is struggling to guard everybody on the court. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but this is a train-wreck of nuclear disaster proportions. I find them at times utterly unwatchable and Coach Musselman's crippling lack of height is killing me.

OZ: Verbatim from my wife, "Is he old enough to coach a team?"

At times, Muss looks like he's maybe old enough to drive, but just barely. Rick Barry had some interesting comments regarding Muss' "Defensive coach" status saying that Muss was an offensive coach his whole life until a few years ago, and that he ha not had much success being a defensive coach. Ouch. That hurts coming from a legend.

On that note, what happened to J. Barry?

SonDog: JB is doing color commentary for ESPN and he is fantastic. When he pairs with Bill "This third quarter is an absolute disgrace for all of humanity" Walton, it's a real treat.

Clearly, Muss isn't old enough to drive sober. (ba-dum, ching!) Seriously, his defensive schemes have not impressed me as an observer. I think he had a phenomenal interview with the Maloofs (he has a reputation for being great in interviews), but that's about it. It's funny how Rick Adelman is starting to look better and better. They just don't have the personnel to be a good defensive team, and they don't have a scheme to be a good offensive team. Bad Defense + Bad Offense = 2006/2007 Sacramento Kings.

OZ: I heard Bill Walton doing an interview with the moron twins, which was really the only chance I've had to turn the channel off of every horrid announcer I despise with one click of the button. It was beautiful. Long live Bob Costas!!

Your equation is genius. Seriously. Nobel prize winning stuff there. You should sell it to Isaiah Thomas.

SonDog: My favorite Isiah Thomas line from the "brawl," "We had surrendered and they were trying to pour it on." Really? You surrendered in front of your home crowd? Where was your white flag? To quote George Karl, "He's an asshole." I loath Isiah Thomas.

Iverson + Melo = Western Conference Elite OR Chemistry experiment doomed for failure?

OZ: I have to say Western Conference Elite until proved otherwise. They are effectively in the SA "Are you kidding me with this roster" category. I would be shocked if they don't make a run for the championship. The possibilities were just too big to "pass" up. Get it? Ball-hog puns
are great!

SonDog: If King George can throw a lineup out of AI at the point, JR Smith at the 2, Melo at 3, WhoCares at the 4, and Camby at the 5, there isn't a more potent lineup in the league. The challenge will be, will there be enough shots to go around? It has the potential to challenge the best in the West, that's for sure.

OZ: If only K-Mart were still there. What a five that would have been. Something I heard a player say once was that as long as the team is winning, nobody complains about getting their shots or whatever. I think Denver will be fine as long as they win consistently........cause that's really easy to do. Speaking of shots, did you hear the absolute insanity that was the Mamba criticizing Arenas' performance saying he shot too much? Seriously Mamba? Seriously?

SonDog: No, I didn't hear that, but it doesn't surprise me in the least that he would criticize Gilbert right after #0 dropped 60 in the Mamba's face. He shot too much? Well, Washington won, right? Kobe, didn't you say that it doesn't matter how much you shoot if you win?

He's the starting 2-guard on my All-Hate team, with Isiah running the point.

OZ: Walton at Center. Jerry Reynolds coaching.

SonDog: Rick Fox at Small Forward

OZ: Ooooooh, good one. Is Webb the PF? Id there any other PF we dislike more? I'm not a Webb fan but I certainly wouldn't put him in the same category as these other guys. Maybe we can play small and throw Stephen Jackson into the 4. Malone? I know you're thinking Barkley and I'm nixing that one right away. He was an awesome player.

SonDog: How can you say Webber?! How dare you?!

At the 4... I think Robert Horry. Because, as Wes Mantooth says to Ron Burgandy at the end of Anchorman, "Deep down in my stomach, with every inch of me, I pure, straight, hate you... But goddamnit do I respect you."

OZ: I've loved Horry since his Portland days. Sure he shoved the largest knife in Kings history into our throats, but you can't blame him for making the last minute shot. That's what he does. I blame Vlade for tipping it straight to him. Or better yet, I blame Webber for being on the court and teaching Peja how to not get a rebound. Horry is nowhere near that list for me. You would put Horry in over Malone?

SonDog: Horry never played in Texas you numbnuts. I'm going to assume you meant Houston.

And with that insult, I'm out, and this is way too long.

OZ: Portland is in Oregon dumbass. By a map.

SonDog: Buy a map... Buy a dictionary

OZ: Ah Dammit!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

AI in Denver

by SonDog

Somehow, this is all Isiah Thomas's fault and it makes me hate him even more.

I still don't understand exactly how Iverson is supposed to fit into this group when Melo and JR Smith come back. The move effectively puts Denver $1 billion trillion kajilion over the salary cap.

.260/2/26

posted by BH

Ryan Klesko? Way to plug some holes, Sabes.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

On Second Thought

by SonDog

Maybe Melo will be able to torpedo his own career. Every time I think Melo is turning the corner and realizing that his behavior is as important as his scoring, I'm proven dead wrong.

Last night's "brawl" in New York was the latest, "Melo?! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!" moment. His sucker-punch on Mardy Collins was not only unnecessary, but utterly cowardly given that Collins wasn't looking and Melo backpedaled the other way quicker than he ever has gotten back on defense. I think I heard a report after the game that Conlin directed the following words to Anthony: "Let's dance, dickweed!" But maybe I made that up.

The "brawl" and my imagination of the post-game conversation in the locker room reminds me of this classic moment in fighting history.

Anyways, the media is all over Anthony in Denver and from watching ESPN, you would think somebody was killed. "Oh my God! This heinous act took place at the Garden!"

By the way, if Isiah Thomas truly ordered the foul, he needs to be punished severely.

Friday, December 15, 2006

The Craziness Factor

by SonDog

I love watching Allen Iverson. I really do. He's got the determination on the court of a pit bull and it's not a stretch to say he is pound-for-pound the toughest player in the NBA.

It would be a mistake to bring him to Denver.

According to Mark Stein, Denver is believed to be the leader in the clubhouse to land Iverson, assuming somebody is foolish enough to take Nene and his 6 year, $60 million contract (what, have they not called Isiah Thomas?).

Carmelo Anthoney has taken a huge leap this year and is a legit MVP candidate at the moment. His game is light-years ahead of where it was last season and he is the undisputed leader of a Nugget team that is clawing at the heals of Utah in the Midwest. There are so many unknowns with Iverson (I'm speaking of how he would effect a team, not his sanity level), that you have to wonder why George Karl would even consider making this move.

For Carmelo's sake and for the Nuggets' sake, I hope this move doesn't happen. Based on no factual knowledge and little if any expert analysis, it could torpedo the development of a kid who is sure to be a top-5 player for years to come.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

From the Meaningless Apology Dept.

posted by BH

Thank you Joey Porter.

"I didn't mean to offend anybody but Kellen Winslow," Porter told reporters after Steelers practice Tuesday.

"I would just like to say it was a poor choice of words in the comment I made toward Winslow. If I offended anybody, I apologize for that," Porter said.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Worth It?

by the butler


Stop me if you've already heard this one...What does Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka have in common with the (alleged) Britney Spears sex tape? Apparently they are each worth over ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS! So I'm in the wrong business here. Why am I not selling Japanese sports stars and sex tapes?

My problem with that price tag is this: Paying $100 million (over 5 years) for D-Mat would place him in the top 3 highest-paid players in baseball category with Jeter and A-Rod. But hey, if they're already calling him D-Mat, he must be worth it, right? Pujols has made $32 million in his past three combined seasons in St. Louis.

And what about K-Fed's sorry ass? Granted, a few actors (Keanu w/ the Matrix, Bruce Willis with the Sixth Sense, and Tommy Cruise w/ War of the Worlds, if you were wondering) have made $100 million plus on a movie, but only recently since they figured out that a small percentage of the gross of a blockbuster movie turns out to be a lot of stinking dough. And now the talented Mr. Federline has a chance to join that very small list of $100 million "actors". Just doesn't seem right or fair.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Um, wait...

by SonDog

If I'm Geoff Petrie right now, my response to Gavin and Joe Maloof's desire to bring Allen Iverson to Sacramento would be, "Um, wait... you want to do what? Ok... so who do you want to package along with Artest in the trade? Wait... you mean you want to bring him in to play WITH Artest? Oh Sweet Jesus. I quit."

I must admit, I'm equal parts intrigued and horrified. Curious and scared shitless.

I wrote almost exactly the same thing a little less than a year ago when the Kings made the decision to trade for Ron Artest, who backed out at the last minute, only to accept it after deciding it would be best to not suicide his career. While it turned out great last year, the proverbial writing is on the proverbial wall for a blowup this year. According to a published report in a major New York paper (article by Mitch Lawrence who, ahem, always tells the truth), teammates questioned the severity of Artest's back injury last week and were quoted as saying, "Nobody has any idea what he is going to do from one day to the next." Well... yeah. Anyways, we already know Artest is psycho. Which, of course begs the question: How many psychos does one team need?

So, why bring in Iverson? The "The Maloof's are gamblers, and this is a big gamble!" angle is about as stupid as the "We're fighting the war on terror in Iraq so we don't have to fight it here!" angle. To quote Sean Connery in The Rock, "This isn't patriotism. It's an act of lunacy. Personally, I think you're a fucking idiot."

Would it be fun to watch these two play together for a couple of games? Sure. Would it combust quicker than the Hindenburg? Absolutely. Hopefully Petrie can talk some sense into the Maloofs before it is too late.

Then again, I said the same thing last year about Artest coming aboard. I was so sure that he would fail in his promise to take the Kings to the playoffs that I said I would buy an Artest jersey if he actually succeeded.

In a related story, there is a Ron Artest #93 jersey in my closet right now.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Kings Weekend of SaoTSARBe

by SonDog

As promised, the Texas two-step through Dallas and San Antonio provided an ideal sample to calculate the Sacramento Kings' 2006/2007 early-season SaoTSARB results. The following loss to Orlando and the Hindenburg disaster that was the Phoenix debacle only served to confirm the results from the original Texas case study.

Remember, as I wrote in my original SaoTSARBoE post, the theory is that the most efficient player would have a low score (probably 1.3 to 3.2 for a guy like LeBron -- or, amount per 48 minutes that you will either swear at particular player or throw shit across the room because of said player), while a frustrating and inefficient player would have a high score (around 57.5 to 61.2 - see Kings results below for more on this type of player)."

And yes, I'm incredibly bitter after witnessing a four-game losing streak that has catapulted my state-of-mind towards a full-on Northern Californian sports depression. Seriously, I need to be medicated, and Jameson is just not cutting it. Anyways, on to the rankings, in order of efficiency:
1) Kevin Martin- (3.4 SaoTSARBoE): It's been well chronicled, but this is a career-year for the svelte shooting guard from Western Carolina. (By the way, you could play a sweet drinking game with your buddies during a nationally televised Kings game by doing the following: Everytime an announcer says anything remotely close to "This has been a breakout season for the svelte shooting guard from Western Carolina," take a shot. I promise you will be hammered by the end of the first quarter. And if you play that game by yourself, it is in no way sad.) Martin ranks among the league leaders in not just scoring and shooting percentage, but also SaoTSARBoE. That being said, the most frustrating sub-plot of this early season is the Kings' inability (or refusal) to get Martin the ball. Through the first six quarters in Dallas and San Antonio, Martin took 10 shots. 10. As in, t-e-n. True, Martin entered the Dallas game averaging 23.9 points per game, but I guess the team figured that shots from players other than Kevin Martin were the primary reason behind Kevin Martin's scoring average. Basically, the only time Martin's name is mentioned while I'm swearing at the tv or shit is flying across the room is when someone is NOT passing him the ball. For example, "BIBBY?! What are you doing?! Will you pass the fucking ball to Martin?! Please?! DAMNIT!!" (Dog toy flies across the room)

2) John Salmons (7.1 SaoTSARBoE): Salmons has truly been a pleasant surprise this season. He's a mini-stat stuffer who is the team's best perimeter defender. If Salmons is guilty of anything, it is being a ball-stopper on offense. However, considering that the guy played in the same backcourt as Allen Iverson for the past two seasons, I cut him a little slack. You have to figure that when he gets his hands on the basketball, it's like Christmas day. I've noticed his facial expressions on a couple of occasions after receiving passes from Bibby. It's as if Ed McMahon showed up on his doorstep and handed him a Publisher's Clearinghouse check for $7 million.

3) Ron Artest (inc.): Ron-Ron has been out the last three games with a bad back. I would do an SaoTSARBoE analysis on him, but he's been on such good behavior since coming to Sacramento that I don't want to say anything about his game that may send him into a psychotic rage. His rap album, however, simply shattered all pre-existing ceilings on the Crappiness Scale.

4) Brad Miller (10.5 SaoTSARBoE): It's great having Miller back on the floor as he was sorely missed while recovering from a foot injury. It would be even better if Coach Musselman had the slightest clue on how to effectively utilize him. There's really not much new I can say about Miller, so I'll re-post what I said about him last year: "The 7-ft center from Purdue is somewhat of an anomaly. While he is unbelievably efficient when it comes to his fundamental skill set (jump shots, passing, etc.), Miller gets cursed at most often for something he simply can't control... his unbelievable lack of athleticism. Miller's poor rebounding is directly tied to the fact that he couldn't jump over the Christmas tree extension cord. Due to this, Miller's lack of athleticism was cussed on 7 different occasions while he was being outrebounded by guys like 6'1" Carlos Arroyo. The remote control was thrown twice from failed drives to the hoop (I think Miller is even slower than most people realize), and the plush Santa-doll that Rocky chews was hucked against the front door three times as Miller was standing still at the high-post with his feet in cement after a spin-move and dunk by Rasheed Wallace. Again, these flaws are not due to effort, so Miller has a lot to overcome on SaoTSARBoE by nature."

5) Kenny Thomas (14.7 SaoTSARBoE): Remember when Kenny Thomas could shoot? Did he sell his jump shot on eBay or something? What happened to it? He's shooting free throws about as effectively as Pedro Feliz uses the opposite field. Then again, he's the teams best rebounder and post defender, so you need him on the floor. Just keep him as far away from the ball on offense as is humanly possible.

6) Francisco Garcia (18.9 SaoTSARBoE): Gets cursed at most often for being the 6'7" walking definition of a spaz. Believe it or not, that is a drastic improvement over last season.

7) Mike Bibby (25.3 SaoTSARBoE): It's been a mighty poor year for Bibby across the board. I've seemingly thrown more objects across the room this year due to Mike Bibby than I have in his entire career as a King. I'm still a big Bibby fan, but his game has slipped this season. Yes, I know he's injured. So, with that in mind... BIBBY?!?! STOP SHOOTING!!!! JEEEEEEEEEEEESUS!!!!! PASS THE FUCKING BALL, WILL YOU?!?!

8) Ronnie Price (27.4 SaoTSARBoE): OZ can tell you that I was a huge Gerald Wallace fan when he was first drafted by the Kings. I thought it was a mistake to give him up in the expansion draft and I still think the Kings regret giving him away when it was obvious to everybody that he was about to breakout. Anyways, I've felt that way about Price since pre-season of last year. He's not ready yet to log 20 minutes a night, but he will really energize the team from time to time. (Honestly, if you haven't seen the throwdown he had over Carlos Boozer, click on this link. It's truly remarkable. It makes up for the Anna Kournokova-like frequency of unforced errors.

9) Corliss Williamson(34.7 SaoTSARBoE): Whatever.

10) Shareef Abdur-Rahim (57.0 SaoTSARBoE): SAR changes ends of the floor slower than my son, and he can't even crawl yet. The primary reason for this is his slow-motion crow-hop that he takes... every...single... time... he... has... to... change.... ends.... of... the... court. Seriously, look for it. Once you see it, it will drive you crazy every time you watch him play. He is the last guy down the court 102 times out of 100. I've hucked more shit across the room because of that guy this year than a monkey at a zoo. The critical down fall of his season was when Miller got hurt. In short, it forced him to play extended minutes. As Stapes recommended last year with Garcia, SAR receives bonus points for the cursing out of Musselman every time he plays him. I have nothing good to say about SAR this year. Once again, the most common saying heard in my house is, "For God's sake, Shareef?! Grab a fucking rebound!!!"

Dick

posted by BH

First, Judas kissed Jesus. Now this. Reports are that former Giant Jason Schmidt has signed a three-year deal with the Dodgers. We all knew the Dodgers were going to be players in the Schmidtstakes, but I had hoped, as I think all Giant fans did, that he would end up in Seattle or anywhere else outside the NL and definitely not with the fucking rivals.

Monday, December 04, 2006

We Still Need a Play-Off

by the butler

So the Gators are in.

On the one hand, it's going to be nice to experience a year (actually the second year in a row) in college football where no team is bitching and moaning about how it should have been them in the National Championship game. Not one player or coach on that Michigan team will argue that they should be playing for the trophy instead of Florida. Both coaches talked about it endlessly before the Ohio St. Michigan game- each agreed that they needed to win in order to have a chance at #1.

Still, MSN.com's sports site is already dubbing the Rose Bowl match-up between USC and Michigan as "arguably the best bowl game of the season..." Immediately following with this sentence - "USC, helped by brand name recognition more than anything else, was pushed into the number two spot after Michigan lost to Ohio State, but failed to play up to that level in the loss to the Bruins."

Hmmmm. So it's not really the best bowl game, then?

As much pain as it might cause me to hear my Gator buddy calling me up, "hey man let's go down to Glendale, man...them Gator boys are hot!", in a way it's satisfying to see justice finally done. If USC hadn't choked Saturday, they would have been facing Ohio St. for the title. And it would have been WRONG! It would have been the third season out of four that an SEC team was snubbed in the BCS (LSU in '03, Auburn in '04).

For those who will inevitably arise and claim Michigan was snubbed this year-
(from my aforementioned Gator buddy)
1) FLA beat 9 teams projected to play in a bowl game, MICH beat 6.
2) FLA's 12 opponents had a combined record of 89-57. MICH's 12 had a record of 84-61.
3) Gators are 3-1 against ranked teams, beating then- No. 13 Tennessee, No. 9 LSU, and No. 8 Arkansas and losing at No. 11 Auburn. MICH went 1-1 against ranked opponents, beating then- No. 2 Notre Dame, and losing to Ohio St.
4) Since Michigan last played and lost at OSU, Florida has won at Florida State and against Arkansas in the SEC championship.
5) Michigan finished second in a tough Big Ten conference. Florida won a very tough SEC. Does anyone really want to see a team who finished second in their conference playing for the National Championship? What if Michigan won the game? Then they would technically be tied with OSU, needing a re-rematch, right?

Teams from conferences other than the SEC have been snubbed in the recent past as well (Kansas State in '99-'00, Colorado in '01 was possibly the worst snubbing in history). Oh yeah, and Boise State* (I can't bring myself to classify a Wiggity-Wiggity-WAC team as a legitimate case for a National Championship snubbing, sorry Broncs.)

So why can't THEY figure out a decent play-off system? I'm sure money and TV contracts and all that are the main reasons. Even if a play-off were implemented, I'm sure folks would find a way to bitch and moan about it, too. I can already hear it, "We were robbed of the two seed..."

So how cool would it be to watch a top 8 playoff? Since we can't, I'm going to pretend to predict a pretend play-off scenario -
I think a good pretend rule would be for the crappy conferences (WAC, Pac-2, Independant) to have to play against the good ones (Big Ten, SEC) in the first round. And I don't think Wisconsin, even though they are ranked #6, should be in my pretend play-off because they didn't beat a single ranked team all year.

Round 1

Ohio St. over Boise St.

Florida over Louisville

Michigan over Oklahoma

LSU over USC (don't even trip and say you would bet your own actual money on USC here)

Then Round 2 would match up:

Ohio St. vs. LSU

Florida vs. Michigan

Then OSU vs. Florida, right? Maybe, but it might just as easily end up LSU vs. Michigan. That's the point- We have no idea how Ohio State would do vs. LSU or how Florida would do vs. Michigan. Or if USC maybe was good enough to rebound from an embarassing loss to the boys in baby blue to make a play-off run?

You can also see that if my pretend 8-team play-off was reality, even more teams might have the right to cry "snub". What about Arkansas, a legit top-8 team until losing to Florida in the SEC title game? What about Auburn, if LSU and Oklahoma also have 2 L's, why don't they make the final 8? Notre Dame? Wisconsin? If we're allowing two-loss teams into our pretend play-off, then why not West Virginia, Va. Tech, Wake Forest, or even Rutgers?

Whatever, there must be some way for everyone to make all their money and still crown a TRUE National Champion. Every single year. Kum -bah -friggin'- yah.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Return of SaoTSARBoE

by SonDog

Last December I wrote a story titled, "New Statistic - SaoTSARBoE - A Fan's Guide to Efficiency." In it, I basically morphed into a balder version of John Hollinger - a man capable of creating his own basketball statistics that seemingly reasonable people use as a guide to player efficiency.

Let me emphasize one thing here with the help of ctrl + b, ctrl + i and !: The man is creating his own statistics - even naming them after himself!! Does anybody else find this a little, I dunno... retarded? Not only that, but for the second year in a row, Allen Iverson is leading NBA point guards in Hollinger's efficiency rating. Allen Iverson?! Right here, right now, I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me that this is not the most ridiculous thing you've heard that does not involve Isiah Thomas swinging a trade.

Seriously.

With a straight face.

After not much thought, I've determined that Hollinger is the coach of the There are lies, there are damned lies, and there are statistics team. In fact, coming into this season, Hollinger filled every roster spot on that squad.

Don't look now, Johnny, but you have a possible competitor who is slowly making a name for himself. So much so that we don't even know his name. Yes, that's right, there is a new, anonymous version of John Hollinger out there lurking in the dark under-belly of www.nba.com. Indeed, some anonymous mad scientist has created his own revolutionary stat while undoubtedly praying at the alter of John Hollinger's Stats Page.

Ladies and Gentleman, I introduce to you THE LENOVO STAT!

(Wait for it...)

(Wait...)

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

To quote NBA.com, "The Lenovo Stat shows the power of teamwork. It's a way of showing the best-engineered/best combination of players on the court. The Lenovo Stat is a plus/minus statistic that looks at the point differential when players are both in and out of the game, to see how the team performs with various combinations. The Lenovo Stat can look at a variety of combinations – including the best two-player, three-player and even five-player combinations for each game." In fact, the Lenovo Stat even works for single players. Which, of course, tells us nothing about the power of teamwork. From what I can tell, the Lenovo Stat was created by a Dave McMenamin, which makes about as much sense as the stat itself.

True, the Lenovo Stat doesn't factor in the many variables that come along with players sharing time on the court, rather it just keeps track of the scoreboard, but at least it makes guys like Chuck Hayes seem important. True, Chuck Hayes spends an awful lot of time alongside the best center in the NBA (Yao Ming) and one of the best off-guards in the NBA (Tracy McGrady), but why split hairs.

The new statistic hasn't exactly captivated the minds of NBA front-office types. In fact, it's so un-revolutionary that the head coach of the Seattle Supersonics, Bob Hill was quoted as saying, "I don't even know what it is." I can't make that up.

So with this in mind, I've decided to bring back SaoTSARBoE. It's truly the best player-efficiency measure for a fan. (For those of you who don't remember, the SaoTSARBoE acronym stands for, "Swear at or Throw Shit Across the Room Because of Efficiency." To calculate, all you do is calculate the average total per 48 minutes a die-hard fan both A) Swears at a player for any reason (SaP x 48minutes/player's minute per game average), and B) Throws any type of object through the living room in disgust (be it a tv remote, couch pillow or even a plush dog toy) due to a mistake by said player (TSARBo x 48minutes/player's minute per game average). A + B = SaoTSARBo Efficiency. It is imperative that the die-hard fan is watching his or her beloved team in the comfort of his or her own living room, with full concentration on the game.

New for 2007 - Baby rattles, used diapers and binkies are multiplied by two when calculating the amount of shit thrown across the room.

The beauty of this stat is that it is not limited to basketball. It's a chamelion. The Bo Jackson of statistics, if you will. You can use it in baseball, football, soccer, whatever. Before its premature death, you could have used it for hockey efficiency as well. I can't wait for BH to try it during the Olympics.

This weekend will provide a perfect opportunity to measure the current SaoTSARBo Efficiency levels of the 2006/2007 Sacramento Kings. Sac travels to San Antonio on Friday night and Dallas on Saturday. An SaoTSARBo recap will soon follow. If all goes well, I'll present my statistic to FoxSports.com (since ESPN and NBA.com are both taken) late next week and I'll be joining the Hollinger-Lenovo fraternity in no time.

Cold Potato, Cold Potato

posted by BH

There is news this morning out of Australia that the Wiggles are going to announce the departure of lead singer Greg Page.

These are sad, sad times for little boys and girls.

Seriously though, they sang the least obnoxious, most clever, enjoyable kids songs I can remember from a kids' group.

Sorry. No pantless Greg pics.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

A Vast Expanse (or two)

by SonDog

May I be the first (on this site) to welcome Britney Spears back to Slutville. Brit, we missed you.
Since dumping K-Fed, she's not only hanging out with Paris Hilton, but she's also taking her pants off in public... with Paris Hilton. Somehow, this makes all the sense in the world. Everything is right again with all that is holy... and unholy... and big-holey. How long is it going to be before they have an official "Whore-off" competition (thank you South Park) on the dance floor at Ghost Bar in Vegas. I'm putting the over/under at 7 days. Bets?

The co-mayors of Slutville

At some point in the last two weeks, Spears reached the proverbial, "Fuck it. I'm going to slut myself out like the good old days" stage. Not only that, but Spears and Hilton are suddenly inseperable (On second thought, I guess that makes perfect sense). In fact, they are so close that Hilton even provides a helping hand with Spears's kids.

Personally, I wouldn't let Hilton within 25 feet of my son. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase, "I wouldn't touch her with your peeder." What you may not know is that the aforementioned phrase originated during a conversation about Paris Hilton between two dudes drinking beer. At any rate, there is a strong chance that Sean Preston Spears now has crabs.

Run child! Ruuuuun!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Really?

posted by BH

This afternoon on NFL Rewind on Sirius NFL Radio, Jack Arute said

The New York Giants literally came apart in the fourth quater.

Sweet. I've never seen a football team literally come together, so I'm looking forward to seeing highlights.

NFL Uniform Rankings

posted by BH

Well, the title says it all. I'm bored this morning, so I thought I'd rank NFL uniforms from worst to best, in that order. My main limitation or guideline was that I ranked 1st through 4th in each division, then arranged each division rank in order. For example, I ranked all the 1's as 1-8, all the 2's as 9-16, and so on. This means a team might have the second best uniform, but can only rise as high as #9 because it has the second best uni in its division. The other thing is, I can take road, home, or alternate jerseys into account. Also, this is totally subjective. So...

32. Green Bay Packers- Boring. Not only that, they're ugly. I know there's a lot of tradition there, but come on. You could make the stripes on the arm a little smaller, or you could use a little less obnoxious shade of yellow on the pants. Anything. Seriously, rub it with dog crap and it will look better. The worst is the white-top concoction. Hideous.

31. Tennesee Titans- Again, boring. I don't know. I don't really have too much against this jersey, except that it happens to be in the #2 division on the BH Division Jersey Ranking Index (BDJRI) and they've got some powder blue. Tough break. No. What am I saying? It's not a tough break. The thing is ugly as hell.

30. Carolina Panthers- Lots of that yucky powder blue. Some teams can pull off the blue, like Jacksonville and San Diego, but not Carolina. The white pants don't do anyone any favors here either. I'm not against the white pants on principle or anything. They just don't work here. The whole getup makes the players look like pussies, which, I should have mentioned in the beginning, figures into these rankings and will from here on be called the Toughness Quotient (TQ).

29. Miami Dolphins- Another team suffering from the mild blue monster. To make matters worse, they thought the best idea was to augment that blue with orange. Good call. Is there a rule that states teams in a warm-weather climate have to employ jerseys with soft colors to play football?

28. Cincinnati Bengals- Too busy. I get it. You've got stripes. They come miraculously close to making this work, especially in the all black jerseys. The whites are terrible though.

27. Philadelphia Eagles- Sort of in the same boat as Green Bay here. Out-dated, boring, ugly jersey that makes the players look fat and slow, weakening their TQ (-13). Again, the white pants don't help at all.

26. Kansas City- Tough break here. I'd have probably put KC's uni at 16, or at least somewhere higher, but they are in the #1 BDJRI division, the AFC West. The red tops look good, even with the white bottoms. The all-white look severely pussifies this team, a fact not helped by Trent Green, which knocks it to 4th in the division.

25. St. Louis Rams- The early-00's upgrade of this jersey helped it up the list a little. The gold all over the uniform is a huge improvement over the standard yellow they used to use. This jersey could have been higher, but the Rams are last in the #5 BDJRI division.

24. Minnesota Vikings- I would have made them #31, but that violates the rules here. Stupid, ugly, crap-fest. This season, the team took steps to dewimpify their look, to no avail.

23. Washington Redskins- They've got the tradition thing going on, which is nice, but ugly traditon only gets you so far.

22. Arizona- With the red tops, they look presentable. I probably could have switched the Rams and Cards, but whatever. I'm doing this on a a whim on Sunday morning, and recognizing this was a serious undertaking. The uni's not really offensive to my retinas in any way, so there you go.

21. Atlanta Falcons- Jerry Glanville was a jackass, but introducing the black unis was the best decision he ever made for this team. They have a high TQ(+11), which helps a lot.

20. Buffalo Bills- The all-blues look cool, and even with the white pants this uniform doesn't make me want to wretch. The red/blue color scheme works somehow. This is another team that should be higher, but they are in the #3 BDJRI division in football.

19. Oakland Raiders- Silver and black looks stupid. The Raiders are stupid. Pirates were after gold you fucking idiots. What do they find in chests during every pirate movie ever made? I'll give you a hint, it's not silver. Come to think of it, this team should have been #31 (nothing should ever be ranked worse off than Green Bay). Your whole uniform is based on a bad history report or something.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers- There's some tradition to this look, but not enough to put it higher. The black tops with yellow bottoms is a good look, but I'm just not feeling it here. There's a reason teams sort of tweak their look every few years. It's called the Pittsburgh Steelers.

17. Jacksonville Jaguars- Dude, I can't explain why I like this uniform. The black bottoms and the blue top shouldn't work, but it does, probably because the players wearing it look terrifying in it (+17 TQ).

16. New England Patriots- The all-blues look pretty good, and the white tops don't look horrid. Seriously, a team with dark pants can do a lot to overcome a weak top, and the Patriots' white tops aren't that weak.

15. Seattle Seahaks- They've looked way better with the dark blues. They are sort of in the same boat as the Patriots. Dark blue is a scary color when it's running at you in the form of 6-5, 275 pounds.


Scary, huh?


14. Houston Texans- Again, the blues. The red socks could hit the laundry machine, but there's probably some meaning there I don't get. Like maybe the red is meant to signify the blood spilled at the Alamo, or astronauts who have died, or...maybe they think red looks good with blue. I don't.

13. Detroit Lions- Somehow, they overcome the curse of tradition and manage to look good. The silver pants help the light blue tops. I don't know how the hell they got silver and blue from a lion, but they did. Shouldn't the uniform be the color of blood and gazelle fur?

12. Dallas Cowboys- You're from Texas. I get it. Thanks for the huge star. This uni should be #30. What's wrong with me?

The thing they wore on Thanksgiving is way better than the thing they usually wear. In a crazy twist of creation, the dark blue tops actually look worse than the white tops.

11. New Orleans- The gold pants with the black tops is a good look. Yes, gold in the jersey. I like it. Pay attention to the foreshadowing.

10. Baltimore Ravens- As I've pointed out, looking tough is important, so my love of the Ravens' uniform might be scewed by Ray Lewis playing for this team. The all-whites are tough to handle, but they still look tough in them.

Scary, huh?

(note to Mr. Lewis: if for some crazy reason you ever see this, I'm scared as hell to use your mugshot as a joke. I'm a little pussy schoolteacher in a little hick town in, uh, North Dakota. Yes, that's it. I really mean you no harm, and I think you're a great player. In fact, I tried to get you as my defensive player on my fantasy team, but I ended up wasting my time with Bart Scott. Anyway, it would be really easy for you to beat me up, and you wouldn't feel a sense of accomplishment, so you probably shouldn't.)


(note to Mr. Scott: I don't really think you wasted my time. You had some good games for me. I was just trying to make Mr. Lewis feel better.)

9. San Diego Chargers- The dark blue is cool. The light blue throwbacks are cool. They've got a lightning bolt on their uniform, as if to say, "Don't fuck with us, we've got a lightning bolt on our uniform." TQ of +13.

8. Denver Broncos- So now we're in the top 8, which means these are the best of each division. The late-90's redesign totally helped this team's look. They would probably be higher if not for the Nike connection. Even in the all-whites this team looks good.

Still better than Oakland's

7. New York Giants- I just like the gray pants/blue tops look, okay! Shut up! I hate you!

Okay, I'm sorry. I was feeling defensive. This looks like an old-school uniform, which of course, is a look I like. I like the lower-case letters on the helmet too. It's just a nice look.

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- At least these pirates were finding pewter, which is closer to gold than silver. The dark tops with the dark pants is a menacing look, kind of like seeing a pirate ship emerge from the fog with it's cannons pointed at your simple, unarmed, immigrant-carrying ship. This uniform might do the most for any team as far as making players look scary (+23 TQ).

5. New York Jets- Like the Giants, the Jets went for the extra-mile seeking traditional look. And I like it. The green-heavy jersey with black shoes makes this team look like they should be playing on old, scratchy film.

4. Cleveland Browns- They're really hanging in there with the brown. I think it looks awesome. Well, with the brown tops that is. The white looks like shit.

3. Chicago Bears- You've probably noticed I'm a fan of tradition. Some uniforms need little upgrades (see Green Bay and Philadelphia). The Bears look pretty much the same as they did 50 years ago, and they're awesome. This is probably the jersey second most responsible for improving a player's studliness with a TQ of +22.

2. San Francisco 49ers- "By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work, but not before creating the 49ers uniform. And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested and watched the 49ers play in the beauty he had made (Gen 2:2-3. NIV)"

It's biblical, folks. My hands are tied.

Amen.

1. Indianapolis Colts- The most classy, clean, smart look in the NFL. Pretty anti-climactic, huh?

Friday, November 24, 2006

The Rise of the Hornets

by SonDog

As I said yesterday, NBA League Pass is the greatest invention since the automobile.

Despite the ridiculous yellow uniforms they often wear (which combines for a horrifying effect on your retinas when paired with Peja Stojakovic and his laser-hair removed skin), the Hornets have become one of the scariest teams in the Western Conference.

Wait... One more thing about the uniforms. In Phoenix the other night, New Orleans broke out the egg-yolk yellow jerseys against the Suns. I don't know if they were just trying to scare the fans, but the combination of the yellow, plus the Suns' orange, plus Steve Nash and Peja made for something out of a kindergartener's water-color painting. I've had binge-drinking purges that have had a better mix of colors. I have no factual evidence on this, but I believe that over 37 fans were struck down by seizures at US Airways arena. It was simply wrong, on so many levels.

Anyways, the most obvious reason for the Hornets' early-season success is the brilliance of point guard Chris Paul. As I've said before, I have never been so wrong about a player as I was about Paul. In other words, I was Billy King and the Atlanta Hawks. When Paul was at Wake Forest, I thought he was too much of a shoot-first point guard in the mold of Steve Francis or Stephon Marbury. In the NBA, Paul has rapidly become the undisputed floor leader and best player on one of the NBA's most exciting teams. Without question, Paul is one of my top-5 favorite NBA players to watch.


Chris Paul has been great. The uniforms... not so much.

Paul is the biggest reason for the Hornets' improvement this season. That being said, there are other factors that have contributed to the team's success as well. Primarily, NOK leads the NBA in offensive rebounding thanks to Tyson Chandler and his mutant-like wingspan. Chandler is fifth in the league in total rebounds per game (11.9 heading into Friday night), leads the league in rebounds per 48 minutes (18.8) and is second in offensive rebounds per game (4.3). Not to sound like John Hollinger here, but Chandler's efficiency when it comes to rebounding is fantastic. Surely, Hollinger has a statistic somewhere to show, mathematically, how important this is to the Hornets' winning ways.

As much as it pains me to say this, Peja has played a large role in the Hornets' success as well. He's playing with more energy than at any time since 2003. His shot looks confident and he's playing like the dead-eye marksman that he was just a couple of years ago. You can credit Paul here too as the two have formed a nice chemistry early this season. He's having a Vlade Divac-like effect on Peja's game. Basically, Peja looks like he's having fun again, and when Peja is on, he's deadly. Especially if it is the first quarter.

The Hornets' best pure scorer is probably David West. The Xavier product has been injured recently with a strained forearm, but he's deadly and clutch when he's on the floor. Desmond Mason (who shoots jumpers about as well as the fans who have the opportunity to win an SUV at halftime), Bobby Jackson, Jannero Pargo, rookie Cedric Simmons and Marc Jackson have all contributed as well.

It will be interesting to watch this team the rest of the year. If they can stay healthy (see: Stojakovic, Peja and Chandler, Tyson), they can be a force throughout the season.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

More quality journalism from the worldwide leader

posted by BH

From ESPN.com (surprise!). It's about an incident that happened two months ago that no one outside of Norman thinks about. It is about nothing.

OKLAHOMA CITY -- The replay official for the Oklahoma-Oregon football game says he knew that Oklahoma recovered a pivotal onside kickoff late in the game.

Really? Then why didn't he make the right call?

But Gordon Riese told The Oklahoman that replay rules prevented him from correcting on-field officials who made the wrong call and awarded possession to Oregon, even though it was clear to Riese that Oklahoma's Allen Patrick had recovered the ball.

What? Isn't replay in place so that officals who make incorrect on-field calls can be corrected? This seems like sort of irresponsible reporting maybe. What rules, exactly?

Riese also said that if he had seen the correct angle of the replay, it would have been easy to reverse the result of the call and give possession to Oklahoma, which could have run out the clock. But that didn't happen, he said, and Oregon took advantage of the officiating blunder, scoring a last-minute touchdown to win 34-33.

That's weird, because I was watching the game, and saw replay after replay that showed conclusively that an Oregon player had touched the ball before it had reached the 45 yard line. Don't officals in the replay booth use replays provided by networks?

"This was the easiest call to make, if I'd gotten the [correct] replay," Riese said. "It would have been the right call. It would have been the correct call. The Oregon kid touched the ball at the 44-yard line."

If it was so easy, why didn't you make the right call? You did have the correct replay, by the way. It was the network replay the rest of us saw. I just told you that.

Riese said the only replay angle he saw on the play came from Oklahoma's end zone, which he said prevented him from making the correct call. But he did see something else.

Lie. The only camera in the stadium you had access to was in the Oklahoma endzone?

"I saw the ball laying on the ground, the Oklahoma kid picks up the ball with his knee on the ground," he said. "I knew it was Oklahoma ball."

Then give the ball to Oklahoma. I'm pretty sure you wanted to make sure you did the right thing.

But, Riese said, he chose to follow the rules of the replay system, which meant he couldn't tell the on-field Pacific-10 Conference officials of their error -- even though the referee asked him which team had recovered.

So rules state that a replay official is not allowed to correct errors on the field? I'm confused.

"I can't let it go," he said. "It's something we officials have just been schooled with -- to get the call right -- and I didn't do it that day."

Yeah, you're either a chicken shit or stupid. Either way, you blew it that day.

"I worry about the screwup we did in the Oklahoma game," he said. "It's inexcusable."

Except you're making excuses.

This piece is a combination of poor journalism and a crappy person trying to save his ass. What were the rules that completely contradicted replay rules the rest of us have heard of? He didn't have the guts to do the right thing at the time, but now he's blaming others for it. Did I mention this happened two months ago? It doesn't matter.

The Best Team in the West

by SonDog

Not to sound like Charles Barkley, but first of all, NBA League Pass is the best thing in the history of satellite television. It really is.

And first of all, it's taken a couple of weeks, but the Western Conference is starting to take shape.

But first of all, it's early, but Utah has a legitimate chance to make it to the Western Conference Finals this year.

Okay, enough Chuckster first of all's. Let's discuss the Utah Jazz. First of all, the Jazz roster reminds me of the Sacramento Kings in their heyday. This was reinforced by watching a few Jazz games this year (including a "wow, that a great blow job" win over a Phoenix team that choked and swallowed a couple of nights ago) and watching game 3 of the 2003 first-round playoff matchup (Malone vs. Webber/Stockton vs. Bibby) that I TiVo'd the other night (Hardwood Classics on NBATV).

The parallels are undeniable:
- Crafty outside shooting Center (Vlade Divac and Memo Okur)
- Injury-prone Power Forward that can take over a game (Chris Webber and Carlos Boozer)
- Injury-prone Small Forward that can change a game with his defense (Peja Stojakovic and AK47) (just kidding... but they are both European)
- Young, clutch Point Guard with big-time college experience who is trying to make a name for himself in the Association (Mike Bibby and Deron Williams)
- Do-it-all 2/3 shooter off the bench (Hedo Turkoglu and Gordon Giricek)
- Shoot-first backup point guard who can score in bunches (Bobby Jackson and Derek Fisher)
- Backup big man that does the dirty work (Scott Pollard and Paul Milsap)
- Bruising veteran reserve Small Forward who brings 6 fouls a night, along with a strong mid-range game (Jimmy Jackson and Matt Harpring)

As of now, they are the number 1 team in the league in scoring and rebounding differential. Deron Williams looks light-years ahead of where he was at this time last year, and Carlos Boozer looks healthy and energized after basically taking last year off. Couple Utah's young, impressionable, talented roster with the legend that is Jerry Sloan, and this team has an opportunity to make some noise in the playoffs.

Oh no

posted by BH

Worst. Halftime. Show. Ever.

Bad sound. Piped-in audience noise. John Fogerty singing old songs. United Way flags unfurling. The most anti-climactic fireworks usage ever. Guh. I like that they get fourteen people to stand right in front of the stage to act like it's a great show. It's even better when they show the fans in the stands, there to watch the game, doing nothing. CBS cameras found one lady rocking out in the stands, surrounded by nothing but bored people sitting on their hands.

Is there a special class in cameraman school in which students are taught to create the feeling chaos by zooming in and out real fast, shaking the camera, or tilting it at weird angles?

Wireless Kills!!

posted by BH

Uh-oh

It is the hi-tech tool that has revolutionised home and office alike - but a growing band of campaigners claim wi-fi is a major threat to health.

Crap.

Sufferers say the electro-magnetic waves emitted by wireless computer networks - wi-fi - leave them feeling exhausted, nauseous and sleepless.

Exercizing little and walking up stairs leave you feeling exhausted and nauseous. You're sleepless because you're paranoid.

Author Kate Figes, spent hundreds of pounds installing wireless internet in her Stoke Newington home, then found it made her so ill she had to scrap it.

She didn't find that it made her ill, she guessed, as you will discover later in the piece.

Ms Figes, 49, claims she is so sensitive to wi-fi's electro-magnetic waves she can instantly tell whether it is installed in a particular room.

She walks in to every room now, thinking people are going to have wi-fi or some kind of wireless device. If she says something and is right, there was probably already a 70% chance she was going to be right.

This comes days after campaigners called for parents to remove the system from their homes to prevent harming their children's health.

Campaigners? Like Ms. Figes?

Ms Figes said: "The day we installed wi-fi two years ago was the day I started to feel ill.

Really? That same day? You remember? Did you associate the two as being connected to each other right away?

At first I could not work out what the problem was.

Oh.

I had no idea why I felt so sick and run-down. But I knew that when I walked through the front door it felt like walking into a cloud of poison.

Real reason: you eat like shit and don't exercize. Also, your cat shits all over the house and you don't clean it up. That might account for the cloud of poison thing.

"Imagine being prodded all over your body by 1,000 fingers. That is what I felt when I walked into the house...

If it felt like 1,000 fingers were prodding me, I'd just lay on my couch all day getting stoned.

Then I started to think it might be the wi-fi, so we scrapped it - and I felt better."

You scrapped it? You started to think it was the wi-fi, so you looked back in time and realized that on the exact day that you had wi-fi installed at your house, you started feeling sick, thereby recognizing that there was direct causation?

She added: "Most people I've spoken [sic] are really dismissive...

because my idea is crazy?

but I don't think they've considered the long-term impact of this technology."

Dude. I'll totally trade not being sick for fast internet.

Long-term impact: nuts make loud noises for the long term.

The mother-of-two is just one of many people who contacted campaigning group ElectroSensitivityUK about their fears over the harmful effects of wi-fi.

One of many = seven

A spokesman for the group said: "We've been inundated by calls from people who know this is affecting them, but in many cases are wary of speaking out. The telecommunications companies pour scorn, but none of them has been able to prove wi-fi is safe."

None of you have been able to prove it's unsafe.

Inundated = one phone line + four calls per day

But Chris Guy, head of Reading University's School of Systems Engineering said: "The amount of power emitted by wi-fi devices is about a tenth of that given out by mobile phones. It is very, very unlikely that it is harmful because the power levels are so low. I just do not believe wi-fi is damaging people's health."

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

This Isn't News!!

posted by BH

The following comes from ESPN.com. Seriously, it does. And I didn't cut the story down or anything. This is the whole thing. I mean this is the full extent of the piece that popped up when I clicked on something that said "McNabb won't get a card from T.O." in the "ESPNEWS Headlines" section of the front page. Seriously. I'm not joking. Seriously. ESPN is now run by 14 year-old girls who like like to run across campus to tell one friend that the other friend was talking shit.

IRVING, Texas -- Terrell Owens has his own message for injured Donovan McNabb.

Don't expect one.

Owens was asked Tuesday whether he'd send a "get well" text message to McNabb, who tore his ACL on Sunday and is out for the season. McNabb claims to have sent similar sentiments to Owens after his reported suicide attempt/accidental overdose earlier this year.

Owens' answer: "Absolutely not."

Owens claims he never received the original message from McNabb, his former teammate in Philadelphia. The relationship between two [sic] dissolved when Owens was hurt and eventually left the Eagles after last season.

Holy shit. Holy. Shit. This has to be a joke. Who, in the name of God, is worried about whether or not T.O. got a text from McNabb? Who is the douchebag that asked the question?

Douchebag, in bed with his wife in the morning: "Honey, I'm going to go to work today, and I'm going to ask Terrell Owens if he's thinking about sending a text message to Donovan McNabb. Do you think I'm a man? Do you think I should be able to sleep tonight? Do you think our children are proud to say I'm there Dad?"

I like the part at the end about, "The relationship between (the) two dissolved when Owens was hurt and eventually left the Eagles after last season." Well done, Mr. Intern in Bristol writing this. You have fulfilled your contractual duty, which is to give readers, um, I guess, a semi-accurate, somewhat vague and ambiguous backstory, probably. I mean, that the facts surrounding what you wrote being wrong is cool...and stuff. Anyway...

sport (spĂ´rt, sprt) n.
    1. Physical activity that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often engaged in competitively.
    2. A particular form of this activity.
  1. An activity involving physical exertion and skill that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often undertaken competitively.
news (nz, nyz) pl.n. (used with a sing. verb)
    1. Information about recent events or happenings, especially as reported by newspapers, periodicals, radio, or television.
    2. A presentation of such information, as in a newspaper or on a newscast.
Okay, so I guess it sort of technically qualifies, as sports news. Maybe. Sport? Well, I guess that it involves two guys that play a sport at a high level? Sports news? Tenuous justification at best.

Does anyone else out there recognize that ESPN is killing sports in America?

At Least you look cool

posted by BH

Future owner of the Niners, Jed York.


This guy should be the new picture of The Boofy.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

OK Champ, Why Don't You Just Stop Talking Now

by SonDog

By now, you've probably seen this Michael Richards (Aka, "Kramer" from Seinfeld) profanity laced tirade directed at a couple of black heckelers. Indeed, it was the ultimate, "Okay Champ, why don't you just stop talking for a while?" moment.

Richards tried to apologize on the Late Show with David Letterman last night, but frankly the apology made about as much sense as his racist comments just nights before. I mean, what in the hell does your tirade have to do with Hurricane Katrina. In other words, we have Mel Gibson Part II, as in "I'm not really a racist. I apologize." By the way, if you didn't see Family Guy on Sunday, you have to watch this Mel Gibson clip. A Michael Richards piece is sure to follow soon.

At any rate, I don't think I can be a fan of Richards anymore. I mean that sincerely. What came out of this guy's mouth was just inexcusable. It's equal parts shocking and appalling. I only wish a few of those fellas he was speaking about kicked his ass after the show. He deserves all of the bad press he is sure to receive.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Ok, I Admit It

by C-lo
I swore on everything holy that I would NEVER watch "Dancing with the Stars", but I have caved. Not only did I watch the final competition on Tuesday evening, I also voted 3 times for Mr. Emmitt Smith and partner. I guess it paid off as last night the 3-time Super Bowl Champion and once Super Bowl MVP Emmitt Smith was crowned "Dancing with the Stars" champion, complete with hidiously tacky disco ball trophy after defeating AC Slater, I mean, Mario Lopez. It truly was an amazing transformation. While I made fun of Emmitt for the past 12 weeks about taking part in this show, I now must respect the man for showing that he can still be a champion.

GET YOURS PLAYER!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Peja: Mr. Big Shot (according to Chris Paul)

by SonDog

-- If you got a chance to watch Peja Stojakovic rain three's from all over the building last night, you know it was a thing of beauty. Kings fans remember the days of Peja going unconscious for spells (not often enough, mind you), but last night was just insane. He scored the first 20 points of the game for Oklahoma City, was the undisputed leader of the team (for one night, mind you), and I found out that he still has a smoking hot wife.

Anways, it was just one game, and any Kings fan will tell you that Peja made it clear through his career that he's not capable of doing this on a nightly basis. That being said, the interview Chris Paul gave to the Charlotte Bobcats' sideline reporter after the game was priceless. It went something like this (loose paraphrase, but generally accurate).

Reporter: "Chris, you didn't score tonight (he actually had 2 points), but Peja really picked up the slack. What did you see?"

CP3: "Well, he was just draining shots. You know. He was hitting from everywhere." (Thanks for the keen observation.)

Reporter: "What else does Peja bring to the team, like in the lockerroom? What do fans not see?"

CP3: "I think just his confidence and composure. You know, Peja has been through and seen it all in the NBA, and he is a calming presence every night for us. He's just so clutch that he can step up and hit the big shot like it's nothing. He's done it his whole career."

Um, Chris? You might want to check the video archive. When exactly did you start watching Peja? I'm pretty sure you were still in high school when Peja famously airballed the game 7 trey against the Lakers, but I'm sure it's on tape somewhere. Do you not remember him shrinking away from any and all big shots in his years as a King?

By the way, did Peja and his arms/chest have a bad accident with a bottle of Nair? Have you seen this? It's both horrifying and comical. Kind of like Peja's game.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

"The Worldwide Leader"

posted by BH

The following is from ESPN.com's frontpage, under a picture of Bob Knight.

If you've seen "the slap," you've no doubt drawn your own conclusions. As for Bob Knight's feelings about his actions Monday night? He's clear about two things: He wasn't wrong ... and he'd do it again.

Seriously, is anyone calling this thing "the slap," um...especially when it wasn't a slap? The website ran a poll all day asking, "If it involved a coach other than Bob Knight, would last night's incident have been a big deal?" 79% of respondents said "no." Clearly, no one, including the player, his parents, Texas Tech and the school's AD, and Knight think the moment was an issue, yet ESPN can't stop talking about it. Is the goal of the network to report and reflect the nation's sports interests, or create and shape them?

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Wow, you're a douchebag

From an AP story following the 49ers 19-13 victory over the Lions this afternoon.

The Lions (2-7) had a chance to win consecutive games for the first time in nearly 26 months and the third time since 2001, when Matt Millen took control of the franchise. Despite the lack of success, some players were bold enough to talk about winning four in a row after beating Atlanta by 16 points last week.

"Yes, it is a setback," said wide receiver Roy Williams, who has confidently talked about putting together an extended winning streak. "I think we came out a little flat. I don't think we were into this ballgame.

"I don't know if it's because it was San Francisco, and not an Atlanta Falcons team."

Oh god you're dumb for so many reasons, not the least of which is that you totally just made it clear that you are a poor sport and a bad loser. If I'm your coach, you're getting a talking to about what a jackass moron you are. You play football to win, regardless of the opponent. Even if winning doesn't hold enough merit on its own, you get paid big bucks by the Detroit Lions to make sure you don't come out flat, no matter who the opponent might be.


Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Hope and Faith

posted by BH

I'm sure everybody's seen Faith Hill's shit fit by now, but it's still funny.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Two things become clear after watching this thing. 1) Faith had obviously been told before the envelope was opened that she was going to be the winner. She was too happy before and too pissed after to not have known the name in that envelope. 2) Her reaction was not a joke, as people like her publicist have suggested. If it were a joke, it would be a totally tasteless, classless thing to do, what with purposely attempting to take attention away from the winner and all.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Knee-Jerk Reaction: First Week

by SonDog

-- The TNT studio crew of Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, Charles Barkley and Magic Johnson is quite simply the best four-man studio crew in all of professional sports. They don't laugh constantly like a bunch of idiots (i.e. NFL studio hosts), babble incoherently (i.e., Steven A. Smith in the ESPN studio), sound like drunk old men (i.e. Lou Holtz) or change their hair styles every week (i.e. Jeanie Zelasko and Kevin Kennedy in the FOX baseball studio).

You know what else is great about that crew? Based on no factual data whatsoever, it is the first and only fully bald crew. There is not one hair follicle on any of those domes. And I dig that. Why? Because I'm bald. And bald is beautiful.

Think about this too: Ernie Johnson is tremendous, all while battling cancer. Magic Johnson is tremendous, all while... well, you know. Why does this matter? Because it means that they can do a better job WHILE battling life-threatening illness than anybody else can do in full health. And I'm pretty sure that's my train-whistle blowing, ready to take me straight to hell.

-- Amare Stoudemire needs some confidence. He just doesn't look ready. He also needs a steak. That dude has lost way too much weight. Seriously, he's three more bullemic episodes away from joining Kevin Martin, Quincy Douby and Francisco Garcia on the Kenyan Marathon squad.

-- Chris Paul is about a year away from becoming the best point guard in the NBA. All he needs is more experience.

-- The Bulls are a trendy pick for the Eastern Conference Finals. But, where is Chicago's offense going to come from if they can't hit jumpers? Ben Wallace, PJ Brown and Tyrus Thomas make a formidible front-line, but they couldn't hit water if they were swimming in it. If that doesn't make sense, then it should make perfect sense to the point I'm trying to make.

-- Carmelo Anthony is primed for a huge year. He's going to come close to 30 points a night. He's not in the same all-around class as LeBron and DWade, but Melo is going to make The Leap this year to Superduperstar.

-- This "no arguing"nonsense is a little out of control. I hope the officials are just trying to make a point, because the leagues fans will not put up with having stars like Mike Bibby and Carmelo Anthony getting ejected on a nightly basis.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Worst. Intro. Ever.

posted by BH

I just saw the intro for Monday Night Football for the first time this season. Holy shit. I can't beleive how horrible the thing is. Worse than the ill-conceived idea that normal existence is miraculously turned into a football game is that the whole thing is a GMC commercial. You know what would make an awesome intro? One helmet dropping onto the screen, with Frank Gifford narrating something about one of the teams. That would be neat.

Mike Nolan Would be Great in the White House

by SonDog

Niner coach Mike Nolan is starting to scare me a bit. His team is coming off its third blowout loss of this young season and doesn't appear to be heading in any discernable direction. I'm fine with that, because it's about what I expected. However, what I'm not fine with are the quotes attributed to Nolan and Eric Johnson after yesterdays humiliating loss to the Chicago Bears. Here's what I'm referring to (courtesy San Francisco Chronicle):

Nolan: "I'm going to stay the course and work to get it done. I know the issues we have. I'm not going to quit on anybody. They're not going to lose me. They don't have a choice."

Johnson: "As he says, 'Stay the course,' " tight end Eric Johnson said. "That can get kind of old. But we have to. We have no other choice."

As was said in the article, "'Stay the course' could be perceived as a chilling statement for the 49ers in light of the futility shown by the club of late."

The whole "Stay the Course" nonsense is bothering me this morning. It's not only that we've heard that same saying for years regarding Iraq (although President Bushie did make a point recently to say he will stop saying the useless cliche with regards to the war), but now I have to hear Coach Hitler talk about Staying the Course with regards to a team that is 6-17 under his helm? C'mon. That's just stupid. Why stay the course on something that is failing miserably?

Nolan, if you're going to borrow buzz-phrases, make sure they are not from our current presidential administration. If I hear him refer to his defense as a group of left-wing liberals, I just may be forced to cut my ears off with a dull butter knife.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Football Quote of the Week


If you can't read that, it reads:
Virginia's Marquis Weeks caps off his 100-yard kickoff return for the touchdown. "That was just instinct. Kind of like running from the cops," said the senior tailback.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

McCarver update

posted by BH

A half inning after Ivan Rodriguez had tagged up on a fly hit to Jim Edmonds, advancing from first to second, Tim McCarver used a close-up of Edmonds to show him telling tonight's right fielder, Chris Duncan, to let him know when a guy is tagging from first. McCarver described the play as being caused by Duncan's inexperience. Now, there are three things wrong here. 1) McCarver doesn't know what the hell Edmonds said to Duncan. 2) If Edmonds was really telling Duncan to let him know that Pudge was tagging, he's a bigger buttfuck, buck-passing douchebag than I thought he was. 3) Inexperience, Tim? Duncan is 25 years old. My guess is he started playing ball when he was 6. 25-6=19. Your answer is that Duncan hasn't had enough experience to know what to do on an extremely routine play? YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON!!!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The Insanity of an Insane Man

by SonDog

This article is a few days old, but if you have any interest in horror stories... er, I mean, what Ron Artest brings to the Kings, it's a must read.

Here's my favorite part of the article:
"You can learn a lot about a fella by the way he deals with stress.

Me? I suck down a smoke -- and then cut and run. Not Ron Artest. No, when Ron's number is called, the Sacramento Kings forward goes to the hole. Literally.

"It happens whenever I get nervous," Artest admits.

This is a peculiar yet telling statement."

This, my friends, is a peculiar, yet telling statement.

Peculiar indeed. In fact, it's so peculiar that I don't have a fucking clue on what it is supposed to mean. What literal hole is this numbnuts talking about?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Mind of Kings Fans

by SonDog

The following is the first 2006/2007 NBA season email exchange between OZ and I, two die-hard Sacramento Kings fans. Some of you may remember the Mind of Kings Fans series from last season, which was turbulent to say the least. As the 2006/2007 season begins, the Sacramento situation is not exactly as calm as a Hindu cow. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

SonDog: So, multiple choice:

Eric Mussleman: 1) Silly drunkard? 2) Very bad luck? 3) As insane as Ron Artest?

OZ: He's a long way away from #3. Here's some things said during the exchange between Muss and the officer:

- "Adleman was the old coach. I'm the new coach, I swear!"

- "Yes I'm over 21."

- Ring....ring..."Uh, Geoff, can you come bail me out?"

- "I know my license says Oakland. I'm renting here."

- "I know some guys that get you a deal on a room in Vegas if you let me off."

SonDog: You forgot a couple:

- "Yes, that is my booster seat."

- "Don't let this effect your opinion on the arena vote, okay?"

- "Wait, you mean you were going to vote NO before this incident?"

- (Slurring) "Dude, you totally look like somebody I knew in high school. I love you man."

I thought it was interesting that the entire team stood on the podium with him. They all stand at least a foot higher than he, so it was not only interesting, but also comical.

OZ: The guy must be impressive in person because he had the same type of loyalty from his players in GS, just not from the front office.

Speaking of GS and drunks, what's the irony factor of a former Mullin employee picking up a DUI?

SonDog: I think Mullin's final interview question is, "So, how fast can you take down three beers in a beer bong?... Really?... Prove it."

Back to Sac, I like what I see from John Salmons. Granted, I think they waaaay overpaid for him, but he provides a nice spark off the bench with quality defense. Plus I think he's excited because he can actually shoot the basketball now that he's out of Philly.

OZ: Bibby's first pass to him hit him on the back of the head because he assumed it was a shot. Poor guy.

Since I brought up Bibby, supposedly Muss got all over him about his defense and he's actually been staying in front of people during practice. KM said it was the best defense he's ever seen Bibby play by far. I guess we can't call him the Matador anymore. Ole!

SonDog: That, and when Salmons saw Kenny Thomas move - anywhere - he said, "Jesus, I thought power forwards just stood at the elbow and shot jumpers?"

Well, now Bibby is the Mini-Matador. He lost 15 pounds in the off-season and he looks much quicker. That being said, I watched the Phoenix/Sac pre-season game last week and Nash still made Bibby look like a fencepost.

Francisco Garcia looks good, although I heard that Garcia, Kevin Martin, Quincy Douby and Loren Woods formed the "People's United Front for Tall People with Anorexic-Looking Bodies." When Petrie told them to "hit the gym" in the off-season, he didn't mean "run on the treadmill everyday until your muscle tissue cannibalizes itself and all you have left is bone-on-organ."

OZ: If Martin was as slow as your wit, I would have a problem with his lack of substance. But since he's the quickest guy on the court 3 out of 4 nights, he can build up or slim down however he feels necessary.

Garcia's not quite as quick, but he's no Chris Webber either. or Peja. or Vlade. See a trend? You've been griping about lack of athleticism for 8 years and now you're going to gripe about build? They're just fine the way they are.

SonDog: They're fine if they were playing for the Zambian National Team. I'm not griping about it. I just think it's comical. It will be interesting to see if they can stay health though. Garcia and Martin both are prone to miss significant time. Douby won't get hurt, but that's because he won't play. Woods is as good as cut already.

So, from what I can tell, the rotation looks like this:

Bibby
Martin
93
KT
Miller

SAR
Salmons
Garcia
Price
Taylor

Douby
Fart

OZ: With Bibby missing the first two weeks, I think Price is going to get his shot at backup point. I like the bench though, and I won't be remotely surprised to see SAR start.

SonDog: What? Bibby?

WHAT???

OZ: Apparently the defense was more than he could bear.

SonDog: Are you serious? Is he out? Did he get a DUI or something?

-- The following takes place this morning --

OZ: If by DUI you mean he's Defensively Utterly Incapable, yes. Aha.

SonDog: Now that was just stupid. No other way to put it.

I read about it this morning. You know what sucks more than anything? I have to watch Jason Fart play for two weeks. That's more discouraging than anything else.

OZ: I'm hoping Muss will experiment with KM at the point and Garcia playing the 2. I liked the defensive effort they were able to put on the ball even before mid-court with that squad last year. Their speed allows them to pressure very early and still get back to double on the low post if needed.

SonDog: Are you insane? Do you even watch basketball? Garcia can play the backup point and Martin plays the 2. Martin handles the rock as comfortably as a nudist at a ski resort.

And with that, I'm officially out of analogies.