Monday, March 31, 2008

A long season awaits

The good news to be taken from Barry Zito's start in Los Angeles today was that his curveball was working.  Really working.  The few he unleashed looked like those he used to throw five years ago when he was one of the best pitchers in baseball.  The bad news...Zito didn't hit 85 mph with any pitch.  On the other hand, Merkin Valdez who came in for Zito to start the sixth, threw a pitch that hit the screen behind home plate, bounced back, hit Russell Martin's helmet, then was clocked at 86.  So, you know.  

The Acceptable-

-Brian Bocock, in for an injured Omar Vizquel, looked like Omar Vizquel with a better arm.  At the plate he was 0-1 with 2 BB (more than acceptable), but took one huge log of a shit when he was picked off first late in the game.  Kids... 

The Unacceptable-

-Aaron Rowand overthrew two (fucking two!!) cutoff men in favor of plays that weren't very close at all, allowing runners to advance to second both times.  What did we all learn in Not Being A Douche 101?  Hit the fucking cutoff man. 
-After Dave Roberts started the Giants half of the first with a base hit, Bochy put on the hit-and-run, putting Brad Penny back in the windup, killing any positive vibe, and severely hampering any shot at a rally.
-4,000 fans showed up at AT&T Park to watch the game on the HD scoreboard.  Comcast SportsNet, what with being the new broadcast partner for the Giants, unveiled their new sign, simultaneously unleashing a shitload of red, white and blue balloons to celebrate, endearing the Comcast brand forever to the super-environmentalist San Francisco populace.  

Pelosi cluelessness: Example #278

House Majority Leader and California Democrat Nancy Pelosi, on the idea of GWB boycotting the Olympics opening ceremony:

"I think the president might want to rethink this later, depending on what other heads of state do," (emphasis mine). 

Leadership, people.


Saturday, March 29, 2008

Jesus, Dick Enberg and Jay Bilas are giving Tyler Hanbrough a verbal blowjob at the end of the NC/Louisville game.  It's nauseating.  Hansbrough 83 - Louisville 73, it seems.  

[update]: does anyone else play for this team? "The Heels were pushed, and pushed hard, by Louisville.  Then Tyler Hansbrough pushed back."

I get it, he's good.  But fucking gag.  "Wills?" 

My 2008 NL Preview

It's probably been written by a lot of people, but your 2008 San Francisco Giants, for the first time in the, probably, last...six or seven years(?) can be rooted for.  

The past such-and-such number of seasons have seen Giants fans, myself included, admit their Bay Area fandom with a throat-clear and wink and a nod and a "Fuck you!  I come to the park to be entertained!" and all the innocence of answering the door with a giant spooge hanging off your ear a la Ben Stiller in "There's Something About Mary."  We had become more defiant over the past couple of seasons though, feeling our boy was bearing an inordinate amount of the juicing focus and punishment.  We shouted back accusations of racism and hypocrisy (remember the '93 Phillies, Phillie fans?  Remember Mark McGwire, everyone else?), re-embraced the chase and didn't care about the spooge on our ear.  We knew it was there.  We were the guy with fucking spooge on our ear.  Like when you see that guy at the bar with the dreads who you've only seen on the street like twenty times as you're driving by and now you are standing three feet away at "Mother's" and he drinks Guinness too and maybe you say a couple things to him and you're going to tell all your friends you saw the guy with dreads at the bar and he wasn't all that bad except he's a giant douche for walking around with dreads and kind of stinks but in your heart, you know, he's more of a fucking stud than you'll ever be because he knows he stinks and is the star of the show anyway and puts up with your little bitch-ass running home to your faggot backwards-hat wearing fraternity wannabe friends to ridicule him and you wish you had the balls to be dreads guy.  We were the dreads guy.  It wasn't always easy.  There was that in-between phase when we just looked kind of stupid and wanted to wash our hair, but goddammit if it didn't make us love our dreads all the more in the end.  The transition from "I need to see proof to believe Bonds did it," to "Yeah, he fucking did it and I don't give a shit," was hard, but made us hard.  We put up with the eye rolls and the condescension, and the douchy self-righteous faggot backwards-hat fraternity wannabe Cub or Red Sox fan, knowing the vitriol, the show of disgust, the national media polls that demonstrated Bonds didn't belong in the Hall or there should be an asterisk on 756, was bullshit, and we laughed at you.  We knew those polls were shit.  We knew if Bonds had done that stuff for your team in your town, you'd be voting to protect what he'd done, that you'd actually explore the whole issue.  We knew the Bonds-hate that overtook the sports nation was an easy, bandwagon-jumping, abandonment of intellectual integrity, and we laughed at you.  We gained respect for the Giants for sticking with their guy; the guy who'd built their park; the guy who'd brought in money and fans and fans and more fans.  In the end, we were the guy in movies that, when coming to the fork in the road, took the one with dead and snarled trees and howling wolves.  You took the other one.  The one with green grass and bunnies.  We've become Tom Berrenger in "Platoon."  You are Jon Cusack in "Serendipity."     

Now the Giants and their fans find themselves changed.  Bonds, of course, is the only big departure, but this is a new team playing in a new era with names like Ortmeier, Bocock, Rowand and Velez.  Introducing Randy Winn as Jeff Kent and Bengie Molina as Bonds.  Columnists, bloggers and anyone else a media organization has subjectively dubbed, "expert," have picked the Giants to finish last in the NL West.  They've thrown insults at the team, hardly batting an eye, writing things about Omar losing a step, or Zito's huge contract.  One blogger, of whom I generally find myself a fan, called predicting a last-place finish, the, "Easiest pick in all of baseball."  The New York Times' Tyler Kepner writes, "If the hitting coach Carney Lansford coaxes runs from this bunch, he's a genius," even managing to sneak in a big Giants nut-kick with the Braves snippet.  We're still laughing.  That anyone at the Times would ever think Kepner's piece knowledgeable is hifuckinglarious.  Nothing about two of the best young pitchers in baseball?  That anyone feels turning a Major League Baseball team full of professionals into a punchline from afar is acceptable is, quite frankly, really, really, super douchy.  But we laugh at the way your articles or posts or snarky little digs trick our minds into thinking we're smelling Massengill emanating from the computer.  Will your 2008 San Francisco Giants finish anywhere in the top half of the NL?  Most assuredly, no.  It's unlikely an offense, built around three 6 or 7 hitters is going to put up runs with any consistency.  Yeah, the Giants are going to lose, but they are going to strike out fourteen of your guys each night doing it, with Lincecum, Cain and Correia.  And we're going to think it all the sweeter when our Giants who were weren't supposed to do shit take two of three from your Cubs or Phillies or Mets and Brian Wilson saves those games and you ask yourself, "Who the fuck is Brian Wilson," and you won't be alone because you and the rest of the baseball world thought all the 2008 San Francisco Giants deserved was a punchline. 

So here are my 2008 NL predictions:

Fuck off.

Friday, March 28, 2008

My new favorite quote

Apparently MMA is reaching young age-groups, namely the 8-and-under crowd. Sane parents everywhere, recognize the issues, yet Tommy Bloomer, father of two little scrappers is unconcerned...

"We're not training them for dogfighting. As a parent, I'd much rather have my kids here learning how to defend themselves and getting positive reinforcement than out on the streets."

Did I miss the Apocalypse, then subsequent fallout in which all of society's differences are settled inside Thunderdome? And your options are your kids fighting in your garage for your pleasure or being out on the streets? It cracks me up that the advocates cited in this piece are quick to to throw the "the kids are learning to defend themselves," argument, but also just as quick to point out that there are very strict rules that need to be followed, and the kids "wear protective headgear, shin guards, groin protection and martial-arts gloves. They fight quick, two-minute bouts. Rules also prohibit any elbow blows and blows to the head when an opponent is on the ground." The last time I was in a fight I was, I think, 11, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't worried about violating the other kid's rules.

You give, you get

The worst part about Tennessee's tournament departure?  My bracket, already on life-support, took a hit.  The best part?  No more pictures of Bruce Pearl acting like a fucking clown.  Pearl has become the favorite of all.  Partly because he's okay being the coach not worried about looking too much like the coach, partly because he is very, let's say accommodating, and partly because he's touched and texted Erin Andrews.  And it all really only amounts to Pearl being a flavor of the month.  He's Jamal Anderson, or Anna Kournikova, or Turk Wendell, or any number of douchy highlight attractions whose act got tired when it was slowly recognized that the results did not match the acclaim.  And now, it all just looks silly.             

Thursday, March 27, 2008

No 'Lost' tonight

Psshaw. Fuck, I guess I'll watch basketball. In all seriousness, actually watching sports on television, aside from baseball, has become kind of tedious. I'm way more entertained by box scores and fantasy sports. It's something I've worried about, basically all my life, as being less interested in watching sports on television than dissecting information from the game is a clear indication that I'm nearing the dreaded "Ascetic, chai tea-drinking, flower-tending, teetotalling, closet-gay monk," phase of my life. I like watching games live still. Fuck, I'll watch the Chico Outlaws play an intra-squad game. But on television? Meh.

To recap:

Baseball, and maybe college football, on television? Yes.

Anything else? Nah to meh.

Anything live? Yes.
[update]: then it turns out WVU/Xavier is the best game of the tournament.

Fact-checking and the death of us all

Supervisors in Kern County, California have okayed the construction of a corn-powered ethanol plant that should generate a shitload of the fuel each year.  There were, rightly, environmental concerns raised, including questions about the amount of nitrous oxide released by the plant, which will not be within the San Juaquin Valley's air quality limits, though the company running the plant has and will purchase offsets.  I'm still confused about how offsets actually remove polluting substances from the air above the polluted region.  Similarly, I wonder how the offsets help dissipate the super-stink created by ethanol plants.  None of that addresses the main problem with ethanol, which is that treating it as the American fuel-need answer is a fucking joke. "I haven't been as excited about any project since I got on this commission," said Commissioner Wendy Wayne."  Oh god.  

And the Los Angeles Times looks like a joke right now.  The piece they ran first on March 17th, in which Sean Combs was cited as being behind Tupac's shooting, was quickly torn to shreds by  The craziest thing about the Times' ineptitude seems to be how fallible the sources used so obviously appear.  I mean, fuck dude.   

Hello, omen...

I don't remember what year it was, 1997 or '98 or something close.  The Detroit Tigers held an exhibition against its triple-A affiliate - it seems like it happened during the season - and got waxed.  The score was like 18-3.  I'm not going to look it up.  I was so bad, the score made the Sportscenter scores, back when they actually showed something resembling in-depth highlights and box scores.  Well your 2008 San Francisco Giants last night fell to your 2008 Giants affiliate Fresno Grizzlies, 4-3.  Of course, it wasn't as bad as that Tiger game, and anything can happen on any given Wednesday night in baseball.  But.  Really, it says something about the team the Grizzlies are putting on the field this season.  The bus between San Francisco and Fresno will be mighty busy, not solely because of injuries, but because many of the players in Fresno are AAAA players, ready to replace many of the Giants' AAAA regulars.  

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Revisiting an old, failed idea

Readers might recall my once mentioning my old blog, 'Stop the Fistpump,' which later became 'Now I'm Divorced,' which later became non-existent when I scrapped the whole thing in the name of redevelopment (laziness).  Well, 'Now I'm Divorced' has returned, actually, like two weeks ago, to universal acclaim. called it, "A scary yet riveting peek at the world from your mother's basement." called the site, "A scary reality check for basement-dwellers who had, until now, thought about women."  Rolling Stone called it, "The best (or worst) thing to happen to the internet since free porn and iTunes."  Finally, MHR's own Sondog found it, "Like Seinfled, only written by a 13 year-old retard."  Hey man, if I'm getting Seinfeld comparisons, I must be doing something right.

Wednesday's Political Fodder

Let me tell you what I can't stand about Anderson Cooper, if you have a moment... the guy looks like he wants to kick the camera's ass everytime he sends the audience to a commercial break. Seriously, he looks like he wants to fight.

Also, he's a bit of a boob. His tagline on his blog states, "Be honest about what you see, get out of the way and let the story reveal itself... AND LOOK AT MY HUGE FACE THAT WANTS TO FIGHT YOU!!" Or something like that.

Anyways, I enjoyed the Carl Bernstein contribution this morning on Cooper's LOOK AT MEEEEEE blog. It somewhat describes my feelings towards the Hill-Dog. She just doesn't seem to confront the truth very well, and I'm a little tired of the Presidential habit of "don't worry about the truth. It doesn't really matter" philosophy over the last, oh, 16 years or so. That's not to say that I think Obama and McCain are the most honorable and cripplingly honest people in the country, but I just can't trust the words that are coming out of Clinton's mouth like I can the ones coming out of Obama and McCain's mouths. Particularly Obama because, you know, his words are prettier.

I didn't see that coming.

Disappointing.  The Chris Webber experiment is over in Oakland.  W's fans had high hopes for the rebirth of the Webber era, but it became clear early on that the signing didn't really help the team very much.  So GS has Andris Biedrins and Al Harrington, as they had prior to the Webber signing and have since the Webber injury.  Few W's fans were looking forward to Webber's re-re-return, but I don't think anyone wanted to see the guy retire because of injury.      

Awful Announcing is on it this morning.  Look at this link, then this.  I had honestly never heard of Joey Gathright, but now he's my favorite baseball player.  I'm way more impressed by jumping over the pitcher's head, than the car, though.  That, my friends, is athleticism. And Gary Thorne, is a boob.  He obviously had no real knowledge of the book, but had been encouraged to talk about it by his producers.  Thank you ESPN, and thank you Gary Thorne for proving the old adage, "Gary Thorne is a fucking moron dick fart and hearing him announce a game that doesn't have a black puck makes my stomach hurt."      

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The Worldwide Leader in Insults

Maybe I get a wee bit too protective of the young Giants' farmhands (And by young, in the Brian Sabean era, I mean guys who are almost 30). But this particular analysis of Nate Schierholtz seems a bit rough. In fact, I doubt Keith Law has ever seen Schierholtz play in person, let alone evaluate his strike zone judgement. Sounds to me like he pulled it directly from the pages of the Baseball America Prospect Handbook (and I've read Schierholtz's bio in there -- he's the #1 ranked position prospect in the system):

Daniel (Stockton, CA): If Nate Schierholtz suddenly realizes that taking pitches and working the count are helpful and not scary, will he be a solid, above-average everyday player?

Keith Law: (12:28 PM ET ) If he suddenly draws 50 walks this year, he's an above-average player. I like his swing and he has some serious juice in his bat. But his plate discipline is atrocious. He might swing at a pickoff throw.

HAAHAHAHAHAH!! Hooo man! Keith, you're hillarious!! HAHAHA!! Really, I can't stop laughing, you're a riot! You wild and crazy guy, you!

I hate what ESPN has done to sports.

I've got allergies

Really, all that means is I'm worn out all the time.  It's gotten progressively worse every year and this spring is no exception.  Last year was brutal, and I ended up getting a shot in the booty to stem the tide of crumminess.  The allergies were so bad that my skin hurt to touch.  It spells bad news for me.  I'm perpetually getting ready for the San Francisco Marathon, so this gets in the way, and it's effort to do anything.  Dammit I sound like a little wiener, but oh, fucking, well.  Assholes.  

You'd think a blog called Mile High Ramblings would have something to say about Brandon Marshall's television fight, but we, at least I, don't.  Except to say, damn, that's a crazy story but I believe it.

I'm glad I wasn't on this flight.  I was on runway at SFO once when the engines died or lost electricity.  That was an uneasy feeling.  

New Features at MHR

We've expanded the sphere of influence here at Mile High Ramblings.  Now found on the right side of this page are links to our movie, book and television reviews, as well as whatever else we feel like reviewing, without soiling the overall tone of outrage of the mother site.  That's not to say reviews won't be angry when the need arises, but the heart of MHR is sports (and sometimes politics).   

Monday, March 24, 2008

When it rains, it tsunamis... or something like that

Can the 49ers do anything right? Jeeeeeezus. Captain Douchebag Nolan at your service, sports fans. I'm beginning to think Little Hitler is an absolute waste of a nice suit. All talk, no substance. Kind of like Eric Mussleman, only with more charisma.

Expect a post shortly (I've been talking about this for over a year) about the great Northern California sports depression that we are wading through like a pig in shit. I feel downright depressed about the state of my sports union.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Pageturd and Juan Pierre's dirty balls

Ahhh, there you go, all clean.

There's defiance in the house.

"If people really think the reason we lost last year was because my arm wasn't strong enough, or because I didn't get on base enough, hey, that's cool, I'll be the man, I'll take it," says Pierre.

Well, no one really thinks Pierre was the sole reason the Dodgers lost last year, but he  was a pretty significant contributor.  He OBP'd .331, which is not too hot for a major league leadoff hitter.  He wasn't really on base for the guys behind him all that often.

And complaining about getting shit from fans, then saying you'll be the man about it, isn't really being the man about it.

Fans don't appreciate him. Statisticians can't calculate him. Bloggers downright brutalize him.

Fans don't think he helps the team.  The statistics support the idea that he doesn't help the team.  And the overarching gelatinous blob of a whole that is "bloggers" don't like him.  Pageturd, you're borderline Peter Griffin retarded.  That you're even writing a column taking an admittedly counter-intuitive view against an admittedly accepted universal view of Juan Pierre sort of kind of totally demonstrates you know the deal here.  

Now that the Dodgers have added Rafael Furcal's health and Andruw Jones' pop, I think Juan Pierre's presence at the top of the lineup will be as oversized as his cap.  

Guh.  The Dodgers went after Jones because, in part, Pierre is a shitty centerfielder and borderline shitty baseball player.  Pierre is going to be the Dodgers' starting LF, taking time away from a much better player.  Is Pierre going to be on-base more for the Dodgers because Furcal and Jones are in the lineup?  Doubtful.

Pierre adds an irreplaceable speed component to the top of the Dodgers order.
And, in left field, what Pierre lacks in arm, he can overcome with that speed.

One has to be on base for his speed to matter.  I'm not sure if Pageturd is saying Pierre's crappy defense is made up for by his speed on the basepaths, or if his crappy arm is made up for because he's fast in the outfield.  Either way, I'm confused.

Pierre also brings something that, during last season's doldrums, everyone seemed to forget.

You can find it in a locked box in his Fort Lauderdale home.

He's one of only three Dodgers with a World Series ring.




No one can ever question anything about anyone who's ever been on a team that won the World Series.  

You know who else has a WS ring?  

Doug Mirabelli.  

He has two?  Deify him Pageturd.     

I don't want him as the starting catcher for the 2008 San Francisco Giants.

This was also the first time Pierre had been criticized for his arm.

Wrong.  He's been criticized for his noodle for a long time.

"I've had the same arm my whole life and I'd never been criticized like this," he says. "I couldn't understand it. It's never been an issue before."

Yes, it has.

Placing Pierre's weak arm under the spotlight -- and, in fact, putting his whole game at risk -- was the injury to Furcal.

The Dodgers shortstop couldn't reach many shallow center-field balls that shortstops usually reach. He also couldn't move Pierre along the bases as a good No. 2 hitter should do.

Two things.  1)Pierre has to be on base to be moved along.  Plus, your unique-ish Pageturd premise is that Pierre's speed should provide advantages for the whole team, especially those hitting behind him.  So shouldn't Furcal's failings been lessened by the mythical Pierre speed?  2)What the fuck does Pierre's weak arm have to do with Furcal and getting to shallow centerfield balls?

Without a rangy shortstop, Pierre was playing a center field that was twice as big. Without a productive No. 2 hitter, Pierre was a sports car stuck on a pot-holed road.

But he's fast, right?

By the end of the season, he was listed as a Ned Colletti mistake the size of Jason Schmidt.

It was pretty universally accepted Pierre's contract was a mistake prior to the 2007 season.  

By the end the season, he was also gone. He flew home to Fort Lauderdale, and was the only regular not to spend one winter moment in Los Angeles.

He said he wasn't avoiding the fans, he was staying away from the uncertainty.

"I just didn't know the situation out here, I didn't know where I fit in, it was easier to get my work done and stay out of it," he says.

But  he'll "be the man."  He'll "take it."  Right?

The situation is, he's nothing like the Jason Schmidt mistake.

The truth is, the idea of Juan Pierre was a good one, and still is.

That's two Schmidt mistake references.  It's hard to compare a guy who just totally sucked with a multiple-times All-Star and Cy Young contender who was injured throughout the year.  

The truth is, the idea of Juan Pierre being a good MLB player, is just an idea.  

Not reality.  

My tourney abortion

I'm sucking in the one pool in which I'm entered.  Of twenty people, I was 18th after the first round.  After yesterday, I'm tied for ninth, thanks to the brilliance of my sticking with MSU, WSU, and Stanford.  I and one other guy were the only ones to pick 'Nova to get to the Sweet 16, so hopefully I'll be a little higher after today.  

The Budweiser "Dude" commercials have to stop.  Dude.  I mean, fucking dude.  Shit.  Yeah, we say "dude" a lot.  I get it.  Am I going to buy your fucking beer because you've got Joe Buck saying "dude?!"  No!  It doesn't change the fact (FACT!!) that your beer tastes like one of your clydesdales pissed in a bottle and somehow gives me huge beer farts within forty seconds of drinking it!  DUDE! 


Friday, March 21, 2008

Worst Popular Movies of all time

Reading KSK's movie endings mock draft reminded me how much I hate 'A Few Good Men,' which got me thinking about movies I can't stand but remain, mystifyingly, popular. Or at least, not unpopular and riduculed, which is what they truly deserve.  

10. The Sixth Sense (1999)- There's no way Bruce Willis didn't figure out he was a ghost before that. I mean, his marriage is so bad that his wife wouldn't talk to him that whole time? And it's annoying when people think kids are good actors just because they're kids acting (ie., anything with Dakota Fanning).  

9. Pulp Fiction (1994)- "Royale, with cheese?"  Are you kidding me with this shit?  

Douche 1: "Oh, look how cool John Travolta is.  Wooooah.  Oh man, he was in 'Look Who's Talking' and now he's a hitman.  That's some fuckin' range, dude."

Douche 2: "Man, and Tarrentino is a fucking artist, man.  'You shot Marvin in the face.'  Shit, dude."      

The whole thing is sound and fury signifying nothing.       

8. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003)- A very good movie for the first two and a half hours. Yeah, fucking Sauron got his ass fucking kicked! Then Peter Jackson decides the film needs to devolve into some nonsensical shit in which sap and mush and turd is thrown in your face. Eowyn to the Witch-king, "I am no man," right before she kills him? Dumb.  Dude, Frodo awakens to have most of the fellowship file into his room in order of story significance?  Dumb.  I can't even watch the last hour. Spluh. Schluck. The worst of the trilogy, yet the only one to win "Best Picture."

7. War of the Worlds (2005)- Steven Spielberg is amazingly innovative as far as shot-making and techniques in directing, but holy crap he seems clueless about actual good story-making. Remember when Tom Cruise's kid dies because he's a stupid shit and follows the military trucks into battle?  But we find out he didn't really die because when Cruise and the aforementioned Fanning show up at Cruise's ex-wife's house the son comes out even though every single person in the audience had written him off as dead and wasn't too busted up about it. Dude, why not let the kid just be dead?  That is both bad writing and not giving the audience any credit.  Speaking of the trucks heading into battle, why do they come back over the hill, on fire, in unison?  Of course it's meant to be some powerful, awe-inspiring scene, but comes off as just, kind of, stupid.  

6. Top Gun (1986)- Another Cruise movie? Yes. Awful. Is it still popular? Beats me, really. But it at least was popular for a long time. Dude, awful. "Talk to me, Goose. I'm a brooding, humorless, 4'7" pilot that doesn't play by the Navy's rules.  I play volleyball in my jeans and ride a motorcycle and my girlfriend/instructor and we make out on it."    

5. Cast Away (2000)- I really wanted to like this movie.  I guess I did, for the most part.  Tom Hanks is good.  No, great.  Helen Hunt ruins it though.  It's at the point that I can't watch the parts in which she's on screen.     

4. The American President (1995) - Come, on.  While Michael Douglas is busy saving the free world as the presidential ideal, Republicans are in a back room plotting his demise by stooping to traditionally Republican lows?  It's Rob Reiner's attempt, with a gigantic assist from Aaron Sorkin, at propoganda disguised as art.  Ultimately it just looks naive and short-sided.  And really, the whole thing is not compelling at all.        

3. The Rock (1996)- Sean Connery is rad. Ed Harris is rad, but less so in this.  Nicholas Cage sucks, Michael Bay sucks, Jerry Bruckheimer sucks, and 'The Rock' sucks. "C'mon, General. Let's be all we can be." But you're Marines, not Army.  That car chase scene when William Forsythe holds the CB in front of his face and Bay shakes the camera to make everything seem so intense is brutal.  Bru. tal.  From wikipedia,

"It was Nicolas Cage's idea that his character wouldn't swear; his euphemisms include 'gee whiz' for Jesus Christ; 'A-hole' for asshole; and 'Zeus's butthole'. Cage had to fight the producers and director to keep the butthole line, but he agreed to deliver the lines "Do you know how this shit works!" and "Eat that, you fuck!" as swearing is a staple of the action genre, and to show how the mission had changed Goodspeed."

Brilliant.  Subtle.  These guys are totally genius.  God, this is like movie making for 3 year-olds. 

-I'd put Pearl Harbor on here, but I don't think it's very popular. Most people know that, you know, kids weren't playing Little League games that early in the morning when then Japanese attacked.  I'd probably put almost every Bay movie on here, because he sucks, but they are all the same and thus, one should do it.

2. Titanic (1997)- Overacted and shittily acted. How many times does Leonardo DiCaprio say, no, scream, Rose's name at the end of a sentence throughout the movie? 2,435 by my count.

1. A Few Good Men (1992)- Overacted and shittily acted. Reiner is such a crappy director at times.  How does he make "The Princess Bride," or "Stand by Me," or "The Jerk," or "Misery," but make this other shit?  There is barely an overarching tone for the entire movie, there is no subtlety anywhere, characters' actions are inconceivable, and and truth regarding the Navy and its conduct is coincidental. And at the end, there's a huge, ginormous "The End" written out across the screen, as though we've just finished watching a 1940's love story. Fuck, what an awful abortion of a vomit.

Chris Parnell kills...

...on 'Miss Guided.' That show before 'Lost,' that I stumbled across last night. The show itself? Meh to bluh. Nice little guest spot with Zoey 101, who makes out with her boyfriend in the episode (brilliant). The show tries to be a little 'Arrested Development,' part '30 Rock,' but Parnell saves it, or at least is himself good.

The only. ONLY. shitty part about watching 'Lost,' is the fucking ABC promos. Whether it's the giant douche jumping around for 'Extreme Makeover' or whatever it's called, the Oprah shit, or the super dramatic everything that accompanies every ad for the network, it's fucking nauseating. And 'Lost' was kind of a let down last night. Michael's story was the same story we've been hearing all season, and all series, really. The island has power, the 'Others' can get to you whenever they want, Ben can't necessarily be trusted, those on the boat can't be trusted. It's a big question, ooooohh. Rousseau dying in such a boring way was lame. And what of the promise that the whole season was going to be broadcast in concurrent weeks? April 24th? April 2fucking4th?!

Speaking of killing, 'I Am Legend' was I am fucking awesome...first Steve Irwin, now this? It's the attack of the sting rays...and my picks sucked on the first day of the tournament. 11 of 16. Easily my worst first-day showing of the, well, ever. The worst hit was the USC loss, as I had them in the Elite Eight. Am I supposed to capitalize 'Elite?' Do I spell out 'eight,' or write the number? Fuck it all, anyway. UCLA is fast.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Borderline aggravating

California Assemblyman Charles Calderon has introduced a bill in which those downloading items from iTunes would have to pay a tax, something that currently does not happen in the state but does happen in other states. According to the Orange County Register's Brian Joseph,

California law explicitly restricts sales tax to "tangible" goods – i.e. products that can be "seen, weighed, measured, felt or touched." New taxes require a 2/3rd vote of the Legislature, meaning some anti-tax Republicans would have to sign onto the proposal, but Calderon got creative. Instead of proposing a new tax, AB 1956 simply requires the Board of Equalization to amend the definition of "tangible personal property" to include "digital property." That needs only a majority vote, meaning no Republicans necessary. Voila! A new tax – without a 2/3rds vote

It seems that, until relatively recently, the tax that could be gained has represented a low mark on a politician's reward scale. But add to the fact that download sites have become so prevalent and popular that now movies are more readily available from these sites as well as studios, politicians see a huge potential source of revenue. It is, it seems, a classic example of the dichotomy that exists between fiscal conservatives and liberals. Rather than recognizing and accepting the idea of the trickle-down, to whatever degree it exists and flourishes around and under the digital download market, liberal lawmakers see the innovation and effectiveness of an (any) industry as an exploitable means by which to maintain and bolster an already excessively bloated centralized government.

Obama and some across the country love

From The Big Lead, Barack Obama likes UCLA, North Carolina, Kansas, and Stanford to get to the Final Four. Dude, this guy is totally knowledgeable about everything.

"I just think it's hard to win the tournament when your best player's a point guard, you know."

"You know, Reggie (Love), he's picking Duke the whole way, which, you know makes no sense...I mean, I love Duke, but let's face it, you know, they don't got the horses this year."

This is no John Kerry walking out with a Red Sox hat after the 2004 series, yes mispronouncing Manny and Ortiz's names.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Don't let seventh-grade interns write under your pictures

Under's picture of Tyler Hansbrough and Kevin Love,

March Madness brings an entire nation together. Not metaphorically, but literally (around the office copy machines and TV screens). It can also divide husbands and wives.

My God, I'm getting so tired. Get ready to be literally brought together, America. However that will work.

Red Sox = Douchesoaked

The Red Sox are headed to Japan as a compensated whole. Yay! I mean, go fuck yourselves! Wouldn't it have been more courageous and meaningful had the players unanimously voted to forfeit their compensation for the staff that would be accompanying them, rather than unanimously voting to boycott today's game and the team's trip to Japan had the staff gone unpaid for the trip? Was it just the principle of having something apparently agreed upon between the Red Sox and MLB unfulfilled?

Mike Lowell: ''When we voted to go to Japan, that was not a unanimous vote, but we did what our team wanted us to do for Major League Baseball. They promised us the moon and the stars, and then when we committed, they started pulling back. It's not just the coaches, it's the staff, the trainers, a lot of people are affected by this. I'm so super proud of this team. When we put it to a vote it was unanimous, we're all in agreement that we're not going to put up with this.''

Yes, you and you team have been totally treated unfairly. Thank God for the Boston Red Sox standing up for the little guy. Fuck, dude. The moon and the stars is getting to play baseball in Japan for free, or better yet, some pay. Is it a hardship?

Curt Schilling: "In October when we were on the phone call, they wanted this trip to happen so badly, and now they've fallen by the wayside time and time again. The things we were adamant about at the time we reiterated time and time again, and it was never an issue."

What things?

"Different personal things that were supposed to happen from an accommodations standpoint. Little things that tend to make trips like this easier. It's been more than one thing. Hopefully, it's just miscommunication, and it will be fixed," Schilling said.

Just little things like making sure the M&Ms have "M"'s on them instead of Japanese characters, and toilets sing the Star Spangled Banner. Toothpaste not made out of seaweed. Stuff like that? You're full of shit, Blowhardy. You are so fucking full of shit. Little things that tend to make trips like this easier? Guh. You and your team appear nothing more than an entitled group of self-righteous prima donnas.

One mission per war, please

Hilldog, as reported in a speech to veterans in Pennsilvania:

Questioned politely about her plans to begin withdrawing troops within 60 days after taking office, the former first lady also said U.S. forces already have fulfilled the mission they were assigned.

Rad, since wars and the goals specific to them are totally static throughout.

Man, Woody Paige is crazy

I seriously don't get this guy's style, aside from crazy. Crazy capitalizations, crazy word replacement, crazy threories. Paige's revolutionary recipe for Rockies' success this season? Aaron Cook must win games and pitch a lot of innings. The number two starter for the defending NL champs must win games.

On Cook's last Cactus League start:

His heavy sinker was sinking and confusing.

"It felt really good . . . I felt on top of my pitches . . . My arm felt perfect."

In conclusion, he felt it.

The fabled, "it." Cook didn't describe in an adequate manner how he felt. Paige knows. Cook felt "it." Baseball writers know what "it" is.

On Cook's contribution to last year's team:

Cook missed the entire incredible late-season run and the playoffs until Game 4 of the World Series, when he pitched an efficient six innings. But history says the Rox lost.

I don't get it. Couldn't you have just written, "But the Rockies lost in four games?" Wouldn't it then at least seem like you weren't trying to seem more, I don't know, less like some Hemingway wannabe? But history says the Rox lost, and the sun also rises.

On Cook's history as a Rockie:

He's actually had only one full season in the rotation. In 2006 Cook started 32 games but won only nine. In 2004 blot clots were discovered in both of Cook's lungs, and, after surgery, he went almost a year between major-league starts.

It is time for the 29-year-old right-hander to be somebody.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

It's over, I think

If you were fortunate enough to hear Barack Obama's speech this morning - which was heavily promoted and assigned a great deal of significance by the main stream media - you probably recognize that the race for the democratic nomination is over. Obama was given a degree of attention not often afforded a mere candidate, and that the speech focuses on probably the most transcendent, controversial issue in American history allowed him the opportunity to either shine or thud.

I'm all about Hilldog, but she can't compete with the scope on which Obama is allowed to run a campaign. The main stream media's efforts at viewership and readership encourage them to controversialize and overstate the racial currents present throughout this election. The Obama camp knows the inclusion of race means good things for their candidate. While Geraldine Ferraro's comments were a tad nutty, mainly because she suggested Obama's candidacy is so overtly bolstered by his being black, she stumbled unknowingly on some truth. When race is mentioned, traditional media pounces, and Obama is afforded an unrivaled forum in which he excels like few others ever have. Race, it seems, is winning the race for Barack Obama.

Monday, March 17, 2008


The top story on's headlines? "Dodgertown farewell gets to Lasorda."


(runs to toilet)

(throws up)

Okay, I'm ready. Really, the Dodgers could be back for one more season in Florida, but it's unlikely. Though blamed on the possibility that the team could return, the way it's presented in the Times - tickets available before the game - it could be seen as really no big deal to most fans, save the nostalgic memories of people who saw the team come south from Brooklyn every spring. The AP story running on called it an "overflow crowd." Huh. Maybe they all showed up late? Perhaps, it's really just all bullshit.

Seem honest...act like a robot

Lie-dating is a huge problem in America today. Or date-lying. Right? Well, at least now we can battle the liars by acting like CIA body-language analysts. Who the fuck is dating people that require these techniques? In my entire life, I've been on one date with a person I've seen in another setting less than five times. But in case you frequent the online dating services, let your ass friends play set-up, or are retarded, I guess you can employ these 5 signs your date is lying. The unfortunate downside is that after reading it, you yourself will become either a motionless, featureless drone or psychotic-seeming nut, making you much less appealing to the person who may or may not be lying. Good luck.

Please insert liquor

Oh, the joys afforded one by this fabled internet thing. I finally, (finally!) have access at the new house. Amen, to that I say. I've just got so many people to thank for getting me through the down time somewhat unscathed, not the least of which are the teeny people inside my iphone who worked overtime, all hours of the day and night, running on teeny hamster wheels, working newfangled contraptions and exercizing any strange magic available to get me connected at a speed reminiscent of 1996 dial-up.

Kevin Hench at deserves all the ridicule message board contributors can muster. Read this, especially this:

Rocco Baldelli is a five-tool player: and those tools are scalpel, knee brace, cane, sling and Ace bandage.

Baldelli has appeared in 127 of a possible 486 games the last three seasons. And — surprise! — he will begin this season on the disabled list. His latest DL-inducing "injury" is exhaustion. Who does he think he is, Mariah Carey? And what is he exhausted from, the off-season?

Baldelli's career mirrors the sad history of the Rays. Just one downer after another. He may be only 26, but after four seasons he has proven two things definitely: he can't stay healthy and he doesn't know the strike zone. He has a career .324 OBP and strikes out four times as much as he walks. In 1,656 career at bats he has drawn only 83 walks. He's exhausted, and he's exhausted the patience of Rays fans, tired of watching him strike out on balls in the dirt.

Ahahaha. You're a giant douche, Mr. Douchy Douche Hench Douchyson. Turns out Baldelli suffers from a combination of metabolic and mitochrondrial abnormalities, which prevent the muscle in his legs from working and recovering properly. That's not just pussy talk for tired.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The best thing that could have happened

The Warriors are way, way better without Chris Webber in the lineup. Okay, they may not be way better, but they are better. C-Webb doesn't add enough to get the minutes he gets. I've got no evidence.

Tim Lincecum yesterday continued the collapse of the Giants starting rotation. Of course it's too early to get concerned, and Giants starters blow every spring. But if somehow the starters continue to approach pitching as though they were gas cans pouring unleaded on dry leaves, it's going to be tough watching for us fans. I'm seriously not interested in watching Dave Roberts in left during the seventh inning of a 15-3 game. I'm not interested in seeing him out there at all, but if the team is going to stink, let's see young-uns play.

Shelley Duncan is a tit. And not a good looking tit. He's a Mrs. Garrison tit. Not only did he slide into second base spikes-up, but has no comprehension of why it was a problem. Titty-tit-tit. "I just play the game hard." Guh. So does everyone else in baseball, you douche. Not everyone else slides in with their spikes up. Yeah, dumbfuck, everyone else has the problem wondering why you took a dirty slide, not you.

The guy who hit the first triple in AT&T Park history was released by the Red Sox.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Irresponsible, defined

One of our buddies, a big SoCal hater (UCLA, USC, Dodgers, etc.) sent an email to LA Times writer Bill Dwyre after Dwyre's piece in this morning's Times regarding last night's UCLA/Stanford game included no mention of the crazy foul call against the Cardinal. I'm pretty sure Stapes copy and pasted both his email and Dwyre's response, so the typos are legit.

From: Stapes
Sent: Fri 3/7/2008 7:19 AM
>Subject: UCLA Game

> > > Bill,

> > So you write a column about the game last night but don't even mention that foul call at the end of the game that robbed Stanford? Isn't that doing a disservice to your readers to not explain how they were very lucky to win the game? Every national columnist is leading with a "terrible" call helps UCLA.

> > Your column is irresponsible and misleading and makes it appear as if you are in bed with UCLA.

> > -Stapes

> From:
> Subject: RE: UCLA Game
> Date: Fri, 7 Mar 2008 11:46:09 -0800
> To:
> > The game ended at 10:17, Stapes. My deadline was 10:30. I saw the call, wondered about it, but do not have the replay TVs that the guy at home (you?) has. and I refuse to second-guess some referee, on a hunch, from 25 rows above the court. The "national" columnists did what you did. watched it on TV and then wrote for their web sites, which have no deadlines, just whenever they finish. The other Times writer at the gamne, diane pucin, had an entirely different story for a later editioin that included much information about the play, inclduing the stanford kid not whining and saying that Collison still had to make the free throws and when he did, he earned what he got.
> > I may be many things, but I am not irresponsible. I was as responsible as I could be in 13 minutes of writing time.
> > tnanks for your note.
> > bill dwyre
> > ________________________________
> >

In a follow-up email, Dwyre added:

I im nut irespinsible. But i dont proofread the emails i send ro people.

Kudos to Dwyre for responding. I don't know how many writers do that, but it's respectable. But dude, seriously dude, don't blame the deadline. That is irresponsibility. The deadline dictates what you write and how you write it? The idea that a major moment in the game doesn't get a mention because of a looming deadline is crazy infinite batshit light years beyond crazy. The paper, believe it or not, is not the goal. The story is the goal. What if the game had gone into double OT? What the fuck then? And your moral code, in which you refuse to second-guess an official, had you wondering about the call? Which you refuse to do?

And. AND! You start the whole abortion with some 'Team of Destiny' talk, which is usually only reserved for those wins that come via some crazy hand of God moment. What would that have been last night?

Your MHR 'Lost' update

What? You don't watch it? Psh. GFY.

Last week's episode was probably in the top 5 of the series. Desmond episodes are rad. Of course this week was going to represent a little drop, but overall I'll give it 3 stars out of 4. A lot of issues were raised, which is nice.

Ben's spy on the boat has to be Micheal. Could be Walt. But I think it's Micheal.

Goodwin's wife/Juliet's psychologist wasn't really there, but she was. Yes, Jack and Juliet both saw her, but one thing we've learned from the island is that different dimensions are at work. People aren't dead in the way we think of dead. Jack's Dad was really there, but not. Walt talked to Locke after Locke had been shot by Ben, but Walt was and wasn't there. That's why they disappear so quickly and easily. Ben, somehow, is able to communicate with both sides or multiple sides or whatever the hell is going on, and uses that to his advantage. I may be talking out of my ass. It seems reasonable though that people on the island don't exist in the way we think of existense, and therefore, don't live and die in the way we expect.

As I texted to a buddy this morning, Claire is either about to die or is about to become important. Both would be a first. When she was talking to Locke about talking to Miles, I realized that she's been little more than a Charlie vehicle since the end of the first season. Claire obviously doesn't make it back since Aaron is with Kate, but does she die now? Later? Never, instead staying on the island? Fuck, it's about time she does something.

What a letdown to see that next week is a Jin/Sun episode. I don't see them furthering the story since they've been seemingly superfluous this season anyway.

Yeah, no. Really, I just write whatever...

The people who rented my house had dogs, apparently. I think one was big and one was small. Both seemingly trailed piss all over the house. Seriously, there were fucking trails of piss throughout the house. Who lives like that? So $500 worth of carpet cleaning and my frequent use of that carpet powder shit later, the house smells good. The dogs also tore the shit out of the screen door in back. Yesterday I decided to decided to fix it. I went to Home Depot, bought a new screen, that rubber strip that fits into the door, hopefully making the screen snug, and the little tool that stuffs the rubber thingy into the little nook or track or whatever so the screen can be snug. What a fucking nightmare that turned out to be. What. A. Fucking. Nightmare. I think I got 1/3 of the way through the first side of the door, which took an hour, before I decided to say "Fuck it," and called my dad for help. So now I've got a screen door frame, some of which has a screen over it, some torn parts of the screen, plastic a shit laying around in a mess, and BH fix-it confidence index suffering a downward trend.

Infrequent check-in time

I haven't had cable or satellite or internet or running water or anything since moving in to my new/old place. Okay, I've had running water, but I haven't been getting any live sports aside from Fox's Sunday NASCAR coverage. Guh. My kid's birthday party is tomorrow, so I'm at my parents' house making a cake. They, fortunately, have cable. I, fortunately, get to watch today's Mets/Indians game with Ravi and (sigh) Krukie. I'm so happy to be watching baseball, I'll tolerate the greenie-taking, steroid-abusing, nonsense-talking stupid dumbshit.

Oh it was nice to see Hilldog get some wins this week. Some voters recognize Obama's campaign consists of little more than saying he opposed the war and rich whites feeling less guilty. I kid, sort of (winks at Sondog). Has anyone noticed how many articles mention Obama's oratory skills? Translation: black guy who talks like a white guy. It's funny how some white people to think racism only involves burning crosses.

Sondog was right on about Noah Lowry. Giants beat writers jumping on the 'this is the new Rick Ankiel' bandwagon were, in a word, 'tarded. Turns out his arm is fucked up and he couldn't hold the ball. The idea that writers float the dreaded "Ankiel" every time a ball hits the backstop is kind of fun. I once heard Norman Mailor say in an interview, "The mark of mediocrity is the search for precedent," in regards to writers.

Green and yellow Jesus retired? What? I hadn't heard.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Panic! at Lowry's disco

To paraphrase Giants beat writers from every major Northern California paper, Noah Lowry is the new Rick Ankiel.

Lowry's line from yesterday's spring training game: 1 inning, 0 hits 9 WALKS, 4 runs.

Is it time to panic? Of course not. Remember that, Chris Haft and Henry Shulman and Bruce Jenkins and Andrew Baggarly (By the way, I am convinced that Haft and Shulman are the same guy. Honestly. If you read and the San Francisco Chronicle every day, you will notice that the profile and notes stories are EXACTLY THE SAME. Almost verbatim. Either these guys get together each morning and decide what they are going to write, or they are the same dude. I'm betting on the later. Or maybe they are Siamese twins. I've noticed this since Haft took over beat writing last year. But I digress.)

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Living in the dark ages

The only internet access I get at the new house is through my iphone, so there has been no posting for BH lately. Hopefully I'll be back on the horse soon. Without my traditional outlet for dispensing profundity, I feel I should be like the April Fool on "Fairly Oddparents" - which, yes, I like to watch, even way back before the kid was born - who explodes if he can't get to a punchline. In reality, I think I'm experiencing something I've heard of once, called tranquillity or something like that. No, tranquillity is too much, but I'm not going nuts. I'll be back on the regular post wagon soon enough.

Speaking of my iphone, the once-every-couple-months update from Apple is something I look forward to like it were my birthday.

Speaking of watching cartoons, how many animated voices is Patrick Warburton doing these days, you ask? Off the top of my head, I know he's Brock Sampson on The Venture Bros., Kronk on The Emperor's New School, Joe on Family Guy, Lok on Tak and the Power of Juju, and probably has done a bunch of movies recently (I know he was in Bee Movie, but I don't know what part he played).
Speaking of Family Guy, I think I've laughed out loud at that show twice in the last seven years. And it's not like I watch it infrequently. I watch it all the time. Not only is it unbelievably stupid, it tries to pretend it's not. The writers or Seth MacFarlane or someone tries to go the South Park route, providing social commentary - usually from the supposedly smart dog or Peter's buffoonery - that is so short-sided and thoughtless that my four year-old could unravel the logic. It's not clever. You mean like that time I farted the Pledge of Allegiance while sitting on top of a windmill? And the fucking chicken Peter fights every fifth episode? Like it's some great treat to the fans that Peter and the chicken beat the shit out of each other for five goddamn minutes? I mean, what the fuck is this shit?

Sondog and I are split on Obama and Hilldog. I'm all about Hillary and Sondog's experiencing audacity of some sort (probably bullshit). Maybe we'll post a 'Mind of Voter' or some self-righteous horse crap. Probably not. But, this has been a very interesting race. Sondog is a Pelosi-worshipping, Howard Dean-loving, follow the voting advice of the DNC, sheep, so our political conversations are interesting.