Sunday, April 29, 2007

Yeah, ESPN, buzz off!! In the strongest of terms!!

It seems the guys over at the San Francisco Chronicle and the Sacramento Bee might find themselves on ESPN's shit list (along with such notables as the guys at Deadspin and Jason Whitlock). From Kevin Lynch of San Francisco Chronicle's Niners Turf Blog:

The 49ers public relations staff got Willis on a conference call about five minutes after his selection. About three questions in, a producer from ESPN broke into the call, saying they wanted to take Willis away for an interview. He encountered an angry group of reporters who wanted to finish the conference call, before bowing to all-mighty ESPN. The media was backed up by the P.R. staff.

When the (ESPN) producer persisted, a 49ers staffer told him to buzz off in the strongest of terms.

Booyeah!! That's right ESPN, Buzz Off!! We're first!! Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your powerful sports words will never hurt me!!

The story was corroborated by the Sacramento Bee's Matt Barrows:

The local media was three questions into their conference call with Patrick Willis when an obviously distracted Willis said he had to go because ESPN wanted to interview him.

To his credit, the 49ers’ PR staffer who was present politely asked Willis to tell ESPN to wait and to finish the interview with the local writers. At this point, an ESPN producer got on the phone and said that Willis had to hang up.

It should be noted that there is no love loss between local media outlets and ESPN. We see them as the bullies on the block who like to throw their weight around, and who often poach stories from the smaller outlets and pawn them off as their own.

So when the ESPN producer cut into the interview, he was shouted down by the dozen or so of us on the other end. The most vociferous was the 49ers’ web director who tore into the guy from ESPN like a bulldog on a steak, explaining to him in plain terms that ESPN would get to interview Willis when his current interview was over. It was great.

So the interview continued uninterrupted for five minutes or so until everyone here had asked their question. ESPN was forced to wait patiently – just as they should have in the first place.

It's nice to hear that Northern California sportswriters are mad as hell, and they're just not taking it anymore. Although, I have to wonder, who will ESPN steal the BALCO stories from now?

Oh, I'm not the only one wondering

From the San Francisco Chronicle:

The huge questions hovering over the 49ers entire draft is - why would the Seahawks deal arguably their best wide receiver to a division rival?

If I say that "Jackson" sucks, will my son cry?

It's official, the Niners acquired Seattle WR Darrell Jackson for a fourth round pick (Joe Schmoe of Buttfucking Egypt University).

While I'm excited as all get-out over the trade (seriously, I couldn't wrap my mind around the concept of "go-to guy" and "Ashlie Lelie."), I can't help but wonder why Seattle, a division rival, would trade a top receiver to an up-and-coming division opponent that needed... a top receiver? Either Seattle is remarkably dumb, or they have absolutely no faith that Alex Smith will develop into anything more than Jim Druckenmiller. I'm betting on remarkably dumb.

Regardless, the trade caps what has to be referred to as a very successful draft weekend for the Niners. They picked up the top linebacker in the draft (Patrick Willis), an offensive tackle to replace the utterly inept Kwame Harris, a first-round pick in 2008 (although they traded their own 2008 first rounder), Jackson, and some quality backups in rounds 3 through 6.

This off-season as a whole is exciting the piss out of me. It would appear that the Niners have now picked up a total of 7 new starters, mostly on defense:

Nate Clements CB
Michael Lewis S
Tully Banta-Cain LB
Patrick Willis LB
Aubrayo Franklin DT
Darrell Jackson WR
Joe Staley RT (possibly)

Coach and Organizational Czar, Mike Nolan, is giving Niner fans something to be excited about. Anything short of the playoffs in 2007 will be a disappointment.

Tom Brady Should Throw for One Billion Yards

Good God.

Guess we won't be hearing any "Brady has no wide-outs to throw to" whining this season.

After acquiring some dude named Randy Moss in exchange for an extra day-2 pick in this year's draft, here's what the New England Patriots WR depth chart looks like:

Donte Stallworth, Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Kelley Washington, Headlights Caldwell, Chad Jackson.

Brady could not be reached for comment, as he is believed to be in a hysterical frenzy. His neighbors report hearing only "Dr. Evil-esque laughter" and nothing else since the news came out about the Moss trade.

Positive Vibration

The Titans are obviously going for the vibe.

I like it.

Say you just can't live that negative way. You know what I mean? Make way for the positive day. 'Cause it's a new day, new time, new feelin' yeah. Say it's a new sign, Oh what a new day.

Vibes. Got to have a good vibe.

Irie ites!

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Knee Jerk Part II - Titans #19 Overall

After almost getting lucky and landing Michigan CB Leon Hall, the Tennessee Titans select Michael Griffen, Safety from the University of Texas.


Just kidding, he's good. Another Longhorn couldn't hurt.

Most thought the Titans would take either a WR, CB, or DE with this pick. With Johnson and Ginn the only wideouts off the board so far, the Titans surely assume they will able to grab a quality WR in a later round.

Let's hope Griffen provides an upgrade over Lamont Thompson, pairing with Chris Hope to solidify the safety position.

Knee-jerk Reaction: 49ers 1st Round Pick

Parick Willis: LB/Mississippi

Strengths: Steve Young says he's good. Mel Kiper says he has "good diagnostic ability." Um, what the fuck is that?

Weaknesses: Don't really know anything about him. Can't say I've watched many Ole' Miss games in the last year.

Projection: Starting ILB. Best ILB in the history of the game. Okay, maybe not. But the defense is starting to come together with two pro-bowl corners (Walt Harris and Nate Clements), two first-round linebackers (Manny Lawson and Willis) with tons of speed, and some depth on the defensive line. I like this pick. And I'm still laughing about Brady Quinn.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Thou Shalt Not Leaketh

Upon completing James Dobson's course on Holy and Righteous Discipline, His Highness the Douche King Roger Goodell has another message for his lowly minions.

Following the not-so-shocking news that a few NFL prospects like to smoke a little sticky-icky (which is not even a drug) while they are playing Wii Tiger Woods, Goodell could not help but make a threat.

"In the memo, Goodell wrote that leaking such information would be considered "conduct detrimental to the game" and that violators would be subject to unspecified discipline."

And we all know what "unspecified discipline" means.

Ladies and Gentlemen, today we have something special for you readers out there. After Frou Goodell felled mighty Pacman with his sword of justice, I took it upon myself to formulate a conspiracy theory. Call me crazy, but here it is:

Roger Goodell is part of a world-wide Illuminati conspiracy. The goal of this evil plan is to desensitize the American people, to make them accustomed to and "comfortable with" totalitarian governmental decisions. Our current administration has been accused of utilizing these same devious methods in order to prepare our country for martial law.

Let's take a look at the facts: Commish Goodell's father was both a US Representative and Senator from New York, "notable for coming into both offices under special circumstances following the deaths of his predecessors." Sound familiar? He also went to Yale. Sound familiar?

Goodell's shady father and his bio SCREAM conspiracy:

"On September 10, 1968, he was appointed by the governor of New York, Nelson Rockefeller, as a Republican to the United States Senate to fill the unexpired term of the assassinated Senator Robert F. Kennedy..."

So you've got a Kennedy assassination, followed by a Rockefeller appointment...HELLO!!!!!

If that's not enough...Goodell's gay brother, Michael, is the partner (not sure if he's the butch or the femme) of TV writer Jack Kenny, who recently created the highly controversial show, The Book of Daniel, in which the TV family was actually based on the Goodell family.


We've all heard about this "new conduct policy" right? But can anyone send us a copy of it? Maybe a link to a page where we all could look at it? You know, so we can look at what specific rules and restrictions are in there? I mean, is it even an actual document, or something similar to Midrash?

I found this article, which originally spawned my conspiracy theory. The language of this new Midrashish policy leaves the term "conduct detrimental" to opinion. Who's opinion? Goodell's? How are players supposed to know what they can and can't do? According to this article the local cops are going to tell them. That makes us feel much better.

"We hold ourselves to higher standards of responsible conduct because of what it means to be part of the National Football League. We have long had policies and programs designed to encourage responsible behavior, and this policy is a further step in ensuring that everyone who is part of the NFL meets that standard. We will continue to review the policy and modify it as warranted."

What policy? Can I see it? You know, because "responsible behavior" is somewhat speculative...

And what the hell does that mean, "we will continue to review the policy and modify it as warrented..."? Hell, Bush's Iraq War Exit Plan is clearer than that.

"He did not say how he would punish those teams, although stripping them of draft choices is considered one of the most effective ways to do so."

Wha? Are you serious? Stripping of draft choices? David Stern is such a pussy compared to you. Hell, Stalin is starting to look like a pussy next to you.

"It is not enough to simply avoid being found guilty of a crime," the new policy says. "Instead, as an employee of the are held to a higher standard and expected to conduct yourself in a way that is responsible, promotes the values upon which the league is based, and is lawful."

So yeah, if you could go ahead and forward me those "values" and "standards" you so frequently speak of, we'll get right on that.

"Persons who fail to live up to this standard of conduct are guilty of conduct detrimental and subject to discipline, even where the conduct itself does not result in conviction of a crime."

Yeah- so let me see if I have this right:

The "new policy" is all in Goodell's little head, subject to change, not really specific concerning any certain behaviors other than being arrested (wrongly or otherwise), can be modified to fit whatever fleeting emotion Goodell experiences, is completely contradictory to our actual established United States Judicial system and its values (which state a man is innocent until proven guilty).

Sound familiar?

Monday, April 23, 2007

To hell and... um, still there

Left to right, the Maloof Family: Joe, Gavin, Mama, Fagatini, Assmonkey. Known to those around them as, "Sexy Bitches."

As the resident Sacramento Kings "expert" of MHR, I planned on doing a season recap of what has been a dreadfully boring and lost season for Kings Nation (yes, there is a Kings Nation. It consists of OZ, myself, some guy named "Chaz," and these guys.). I planned on starting with Eric "Crazy Drunkard" Musselman's arrest for Driving While Short (and drunk), but then I decided to completely make up a conversation that took place last week at Kings' headquarters. Here's the text:


GM Geoff Petrie walks into the office of Gavin and Joe Maloof (note: like conjoined twins, the Maloof's do everything together, including meet with their GM)

Gavin Maloof: Thanks for coming today Geoff.

Geoff Petrie: No problem. It's nice to see you guys in Sacramento again. What's it been, 3 months?

Joe Maloof: (chuckling uncomfortably) We've been a little tied up lately in Vegas, Geoff. Busy as all get-out at the Palms. I'm sure you understand, even if the SacBee doesn't. So, let's get right into it. Why don't you give us your honest evaluation of the season?

Geoff Petire: Well, I know you guys were the ones responsible for firing Rick Adelman, hiring Eric Musselman, and trading for Artest... all against my wishes... so I say this with all due respect, but the season was a train wreck.

Gavin Maloof: (nodding in agreement) Geoff, we know we fucked up with hiring Musslehead. (Joe laughs in background as if it's the first time he's heard that joke) So, what I'm about to say must stay in this room... The truth is, Mussleman is dead to me.

Geoff Petrie: Well, I mean, nobody would argue that he did a shitty job but he has some good qualities as a human being and...

Gavin Maloof: (interrupting) No, no seriously. Seriously. He's dead to me. I know this guy in Loomis who, for no more than $3,000, says he'll do it in a heartbeat. His name is "Ron." Says he's a "Hitman Tru Warrior" or something.

Joe Maloof: (interrupting) GAVIN!?!

(Petrie sits in stunned silence as Joe looks dumbfoundedly across the room at Gavin.)

Gavin Maloof: (incredulous) What?

Petrie: Um... you know... you know that's... that's our "Ron?" Ron Artest?

Gavin Maloof: Wait... what?

Joe Maloof: Gavin, you didn't...

Gavin Maloof: You mean... I... Wait... Holy hell... Oh shit.

(The three men sit in uncomfortable silence.

Hitman Tru Warrior

Joe Maloof: What if we just fired Musslehead instead?

Geoff Petrie: I think, um, that would be a, um, better choice.

Gavin Maloof: (speechless, with mouth wide open) I..... ah... um... I...

Joe Maloof: (paging secretary, talking into phone) Dorris, get Ron Artest on the phone, immediately!

Gavin Maloof: (speechless, with mouth wide open) I..... ah... um... I...
(A full minute goes by without any man saying a word)

Joe Maloof: (chuckling uncomfortably, trying to change the subject) So, Geoff, what do you think we need heading into this off-season.

Geoff Petrie: I think we need you guys to stop making basketball-related decisions, first and...

Gavin Maloof: (cutting Petrie off, mid-sentence) DONE!! DONE!! DONE!! WHATEVER YOU WANT! Yup, here and now we'll stop making basketball-related decisions. Does that work for you, Geoff? This conversation stays in this room, right, Geoff? Please?

Geoff Petrie: Um, sure. So you guys will stay out of my business this off-season? Because, by my calculations, my teams made eight straight playoffs, whereas your team made zero.

Gavin Maloof: DONE!! DONE!!

Joe Maloof: Sure Geoff. This off-season is your call. So, what do you think we need?

Geoff Petrie: We need to call Danny Ferry again and see if Cleveland will take Bibby.
Joe Maloof: I hear he played like shit this year?
Geoff Petrie: Like a steaming pile of shit, to be more precise.
Joe Maloof: Okay. I think the fans would probably agree. What else?
Geoff Petrie: I think it goes without saying that we need to get rid of Artest, and I don't care what we get back in return.
Joe Maloof: Gavin! For the last time, shut your pie-hole!
Gavin Maloof: (goes back to chugging a martini - Gavin always carries a martini with him in his Kings' Nalgene bottle)
Joe Maloof: What about the draft, Geoff? Let's draft that Oden guy... or even that Durant fella! Yeah, let's draft Durant!
Gavin Maloof: OH! OH! I'M A GENIUS!! LET'S DRAFT BOTH!!!
Geoff Petrie: Guys, do you know what a lottery is?
Joe Maloof: Isn't that some game that poor people play if they want to become rich like Gavin and I?
(Gavin laughs uncomfortably while drinking his martini)
Geoff Petrie: Yes, yes it is. But in this case, our team is the "poor people" and Phoenix is the "rich people."
Joe Maloof: Right. Okay. So we can't draft those guys just because we want to?
Geoff Petrie: No.
Gavin Maloof: But we're rich? Can't we just pay somebody off?
Geoff Petrie: No.
Gavin Maloof: Wait... I don't get it?
Geoff Petrie: Tell you what guys, I gotta get going. I got an 11am tee time with Adelman over at the Castle Pines Country Club, then I gotta get on a jet and head for Europe to do some scouting for the draft.
Gavin Maloof: Eur-ope? Is that somewhere between here and Vegas? Maybe we can stop in and finish of this discussion then?
Geoff Petrie: Um, no. I'll call you guys in a couple of weeks. Have fun this weekend at the Palms.
Joe Maloof: We will, Geoff. You sure you don't want to come with us? Do some "scouting" there, if ya'knowwhudImean, hu, hu, hu?! (Gavin and Joe both start laughing like Steve Martin in The Jerk)
Geoff Petrie: Alright, I'm outa here. Later fellas.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Awww, Pac...You Had Me at "What Up"

"What's wrong witcha boy, dem 'roids slowin' yo ass down?"

When I first heard of Supreme Court Justice Roger Goodell's sentence of Pacman Jones, I was pretty pissed. If he didn't play for my team, I wouldn't have been as fired up, but I still wouldn't have agreed with the harshness.

To Pacman's credit, he's actually handeled everything well so far. While Pac said pubically that he didn't agree with the suspension, he also played the part of repentant wrongdoer and vowed to do all the things that he should vow to do in order to "get his priorities straight".

Since the fiasco in Vegas (which, by the way, there are a hundred different versions of this story out there - check this one (PLEASE!) out for all you who are so quick to slap that guilty label on a brotha) most people have come to view Pacman as a criminal, even though he has never been convicted (yet) of any of the way-too-many charges he has faced. Like the Duke Lacrosse players and their rape trial, most of America will associate Pacman with that shooting no matter what the verdict. (cough*Damn strippers*cough)

This morning (4/20 of all mornings, heh) Pacman personally ran a full-page ad in Nashville's paper, The Tennessean. Click on the PDF link on the right hand side of that page to view the actual ad. Nice gesture, but at this point most Nashvillians are ready to see him walk the walk before they hear any more promises.

Could this be one of those situations where dysfunction builds character? Like when your crazy uncle robs a liquor store to supply his meth habit, then the family has an intervention and everyone cries and ends up more closely knit than before?

I say yes.

"We live in a cynical world. A cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors. I love you. You... "
"Anyone else would have left you by now, but I'm sticking with you. And if I have to ride your ass like Zorro, you're gonna show me the money. "

Thursday, April 19, 2007


No, it can’t be true. I just heard that Mitch Freaking Mustain will next year wear the red and gold of the USC Trojans. I’m ill. Vomit in my trashcan kind of ill. Salt in the wound. Kick me while I’m down.

How is it that Arkansas (athleticus suckitus) has lost 2 Freshmen football players to USC (pigskin dominatus) this year? Better yet, if they were USC caliber players, how the hell did the Razorbacks get them in the first place?

Good luck to Mitch at USC. Take your year off for transferring while John David Booty (haha, booty) finishes up his career and then have a blast fighting for the starting position with Mark Sanchez, home-grown boy who has been learning the system for 2 years. You lost your starting QB position to Casey Dick with the Arkansas Razorbacks…you really think you’ll play at USC? And to quote my mother, “I hope that douchebag cry-baby never sees a minute of playing time.” Ah, don’t worry ma, he won’t.

I have officially been "Mitch Slapped".

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Madden Curse: You Are Going DOWN!

Mr. Curse, you done picked the wrong man. Need I remind you of the last time you tried to jinx a Tennessee Titan with that voo-doo witch magik? And don't even try to say you got him. The "WWL" had a wee chat with last season's Rookie of the Year just a few hours ago. Too bad you have to pay to read it, all the while clicking the "X" button to get rid of all those damn pop-ups.

Vince Young is going to absolutely crush that curse with his pimpness. After giving due props to his favorite QB to watch as a child, Steve McNair, a guy named Zach (probably Schrutebag in disguise) brings up the curse.

Zach (now that I think of it, it could be this guy...): "Vince, sorry to bring this up, but if you do make the cover are you nervous about the cover curse?"

Mr. Big Pimp Daddy Vince Young: "No not at all, because I am on the cover, and I am not worried about the curse! I am not nervous at all."

BOO YAA! Let me translate that for ya, Zachary:

"You see, son, when you're a big huge pimp daddy, you ain't gotsta be worried about some little punk as voo-doo demon witch magik bull shit."

Quite a bit has been written over the past couple of days about this cover. A campaign to rescue precious nickname-stealing LT (not the original), along with this guy who thinks Peyton should be put on there to break it. As if Peyton could possibly go two straight seasons without choking. Right.

All y'all just sit back and relax. Don't worry your pretty little heads. Bring on the Madden cover. DO YOUR WORST, FAT MAN! Just don't put Pacman in the background anywhere.

86 Won't Cut It

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha! Aaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Jason Schmidt's velocity is down.


Saturday, April 14, 2007

Greg Oden's father doesn't care about his son's education

In what comes as the least shocking news in the history of Western Civilization, Greg Oden's father is about to cash in his retirement plan.

From the Indianapolis Star:

"Why not, as long as he finishes school in the offseason?" the elder Oden said.
"He's the kind of kid that, even though he'll have a lot of money, he needs to do more than just basketball.They had an exciting season, but why take the chance on him getting hurt?"
Oden coming out was a no-brainer. Had I been in his size 37 shoes, I would enter the draft too. But it's pretty tacky for his father to steal the show by leaking the news . He should of just finished that last sentence with, "... getting hurt, before he can make me rich beyond my wildest dreams?"

And by the way, the whole "as long as he finishes school in the offseason" crap is tough to swallow. There isn't an "off-season" in the NBA, especially if you are about to be the face of a franchise. We've all heard that Oden is a scholar of sorts, and he may genuinely want to get his degree. I'd just rather hear it from Oden (or Chad Ford), not his pops. Can you imagine how that conversation went between Oden and his dad?

Oden Jr.: "But, I kind of want to be a teacher eventually, dad. I'm thinking about staying in school."

Oden Sr.: "No you're not, boy. You go declare for the draft right now! This is the moment I've been working all my life for!"

Oden Jr.: "Wait... what?"

Greg Oden, celebrating the fact that he's about to be one insanely rich man

Oh, and I will not care about this one bit if the Kings win the lottery and Oden is in Sacramento next year. If Stern can rig one for Sac (rather than The Butler's choice of Memphis), I guarantee the fans will approve a new arena. Do it, Sterny!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Biggest Draft Since Vietnam

June 28, 2007. I'm a little more exited about that date than most folks, 'cause my team is even worse than the Celtics this year. And the Celtics are bad. Barring a horrible slip of a ping-pong ball (PLEASE, GOD!) the woeful Memphis Grizzlies should be at the top of the board when we arrive at Madison Square Garden.

Come on Stern...rig one for the Logo.

When browsing through a few early projections and mock drafts, most will see that this year could very well come to be known as "The Year of the Big Man". Of course the Madness just ended, so most players have not declared their intent at this time. Assuming everyone declares who's expected to- potentially one third of the 60 players selected could be listed at 6'10" or taller. As we all know, just because a man is tall does not mean he will ball. Yeah, Luke Schenscher, I'm talking about you.

Could this be the best draft class in history? Probably not. Stern seems to think so. General consensus seems to suggest that three drafts (1984, 1996, and 2003) could all lay claim to that title.

So let's take a look, shall we? If we could form a starting five plus three bench players from each draft class since 1984...who would be the best team? Not who would win a game (way too speculative), but which set of five (C, F, F, G, G - unless it's just impossible NOT to put four guards in the top in 1996) plus three best players (still speculative as hell, but whatever). Oh yeah, undrafted players count as well. Because I want to use Ben Wallace for 1996. So there.

C- Hakeem Olajuwon
F- Otis Thorpe
F- Charles Barkley
G- Michael Jordan
G- John Stockton
Bn- Kevin Willis
Bn- Alvin Robertson
Bn- Sam Perkins
C- Ben Wallace
G- Ray Allen
G- Kobe Bryant
G- Allen Iverson
G- Steve Nash
Bn- Jermaine O'Neal
Bn- Marcus Camby
Bn- Stephon Marbury
C- Chris Bosh
F- Lebron James
F- Carmelo Anthony
G- Josh Howard
G- Dwyane Wade
Bn- Leandro Barbosa
Bn- David West
Bn- Kurt Hinrich

That's some stacked classes right there. Looking past these 8 players in each
respective class, I would have to say '03 and '96 are stronger than '84. Also to be considered is the large amount of basketball yet to be played by many on this list...especially Kevin Willis.

Can any draft class since 1984 hang with the three above? Here's my next three...

C- Dirk Nowitzki
F- Antawn Jamison
F- Rashard Lewis
G- Paul Pierce
G- Vince Carter
Bn- Mike Bibby
Bn- Ricky Davis
Bn- Earl Boykins
C- Elton Brand
F- Lamar Odom
F- Shawn Marion
G- Rip Hamilton
G- Baron Davis
Bn- Ron Artest
Bn- Jason Terry
Bn- Manu Ginobli
C- Pau Gasol
F- Gerald Wallace
F- Jason Richardson
G- Gilbert Arenas
G- Tony Parker
Bn- Joe Johnson
Bn- Mehmet Okur
Bn- Shane Battier

Past these players, I'd say '98 and '99 are deeper than '01.

2004 is making incredible amounts of noise this season...
C- Chukwuemeka (why in hell would you abbreviate that?) Okafor
F- Dwight Howard
F- Luol Deng
G- Andre Iguodala
G- Kevin Martin
Bn- Josh Smith
Bn- Ben Gordon
Bn- Andris Biedrins

The list this year looks damn good...(assuming everyone declares).

C- Greg Oden
F- Kevin Durant
F- Brandan Wright
G- Corey Brewer
G- Arron Afflalo
Bn- Julian Wright
Bn- Jeff Green
Bn- Acie Law

*This isn't even taking foreign players into consideration.

With (hopefully) a top 2 pick and maybe some free agency dabbling (Rashard Lewis, please), the Grizzlies will not only return to the play-offs for the fourth season in five years, they'll manage to achieve their first post season victory!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

People's United Front Against Roger Goodell

I do not like this man. If I saw him in person right now, I would most certainly back-hand him. I normally don't use a whole lot of profane language when I post (my demographic consists of nuns, Mormons, and 8-11 year olds), but today that's about all that's going through my inner dialogue.

"I won't lump all of these incidents into a bowl and deal with it," Goodell said Wednesday. "I'm not trying to send a signal here and make examples of people. We'll do what we need to protect the integrity of the NFL. That's our objective."

Who does this asshole think he is, Jerry fucking Falwell?

Roger Goodell, you are one hypocritical piece of schrute. All of a sudden we're supposed to buy your horse shit statement about "protecting integrity"? What are we, a bunch of ADD little fuck kids that can't remember the past decade?

The "integrity" was fine after Ray Lewis wiggled out of murder charges.

How many games did the entire Minnesota Vikings team miss after their little Love Boat incident?

If Pacman and Henry are suspended for that long, what will happen with the rest of the players who have been arrested in the past year?

Whatever happened to "innocent until proven guilty", HUH? Pacman's trial for the Vegas thing HASN'T EVEN STARTED!

Mr. Goodell, I plead with you on behalf of every NFL fan, on behalf of our wonderful (non-dictatorship) nation, please stop concerning your piece-of-shit self with "the integrity of the league", and go jump off the nearest 10-story building.

Monday, April 09, 2007

The Return of the King

Well, it's not that big...I guess. I've been on the DL for three months with what doctors have been calling, "Wifekickedmeoutofthehouse-Henderson" disease, or WKOHH, and it laid me up pretty good. I'm happy to say though, I am back in the mood for writing.
One of the unfortunate side effects of WKOHH is that my old Boofy Award is still saved on my old computer's desktop. Crud. I had to find a new trophy, but it's not as good. It's actually what I'm most broken up about following my fight with WKOHH. Oh well. Here goes...

The New Boofy

So, the first recipient of the new Boofy has to be none other than LA Angels closer Francisco Rodriguez. If you've been with us for awhile you know I can't stand the exuberant celebrations that go on in football, and are now starting to show up on the baseball diamond. It's mostly been relegated to closers, with the chest thump and the yelling, and the occasional Yankee or Met batter that hits a walk-off shot and rounds first with his right arm raised in that classless New York way, but Rodriguez has been the worst.

Shit! A spider!!!

He blew a save on Thursday night and had the mope going big time. He rebounded to get the save Friday night, jumping and hollering like he'd been stung by a bee fresh from the jackass hives located in Eric Byrnes' back yard. Fuck dude, just once I'd like to see a guy blow a save and say, "My bad," just clearly enough so us at home could read his lips. Do Mariano Riviera, Trevor Hoffman, or Joe Nathan scream coming off the mound? Of course not. That's why, this week, you douchebag cheating fucktard K-Rod, you have earned the Boofy.

It's nice to be back.

Somebody please put LaTroy Hawkins out of his misery

Thoughts from the Opening Week that was in baseball:

1) San Francisco started the season with a whimper, at least offensively. Not that it's time to panic, ahem, Bruce Jenkins of the SF Chronicle, ahem. After the opening homestand (1-5) the Giants offense looks to be as explosive as a bag of corn. Through the first week, SF is last in the NL in runs, last in extra-base hits, last in homers and last in generating any sort of excitement sans Barry Bonds. OH MY GOD, THE SEASON IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!

Not really. As BH alluded to in his post yesterday, the starting rotation looks very strong and at this point is more promising than any in the last 15 years. It has more potential than any rotation since the Livan Hernandez, Woody Rueter, ShawnEstes, Russ Ortiz, Joe Nathan starting five earlier this decade. If the Giants can manage 4 runs a game, they can compete in the NL West.

2) Hey, have you heard about this Dice-K guy in Boston? Did you know he throws 41 different pitches? Did you see ESPN get down on its proverbial knees and salivate over his first start?

Funny thing is, the most dominating start of opening week didn't come from Dice-K. It came from King Felix Hernandez up in that little town called Seattle. Seattle is a city that rests about five billion miles away from the heart of the baseball universe -- New York, Boston, New York, Boston, New York, Boston, New York, Boston, New York, Boston -- so I understand if East Coast fans are surprised that there is a team up there.

The 21-year-old's opening day line against Oakland: 8 innings, 12 K's, 3 hits, 2 walks. He became only the third pitcher in baseball history to record as many as 12 strikeouts on opening day, and he was only 20 at the time (Hernandez turned 21 last Friday). Yes, that was a meaningless statistic.

Best. Young. Pitcher. In. Baseball.

King Felix: Nastiness, personified

3) Rich Harden of Oakland looked sharp too. No truth to the rumor that he tore his labrum making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich after the game though. The oft-injured A's righthander had the following line in his debut: 7 innings, 7 K's, 3 hits, 2 walks.

Best. Injury-prone. Young. Pitcher. In. Baseball.

4) The Rockies rewarded manager Clint Hurdle with a two-year contract extension right before the first pitch on opening day. Hurdle was in such a state of shock during the game, considering the Rockies have been one of the shitiest teams in baseball during his tenure as manager, that he actually called on LaTroy Hawkins to protect a one-run lead over the Diamondbacks in the eighth inning.

As any baseball fan knows, the words "LaTroy Hawkins" and "eighth inning lead" go together like a match and a can of gasoline. Yes, LaTroy Hawkins literally translates in Japanese to Texaco Conoco Exxon Phillips 66.

The result? Hawkins blew the game, naturally. Hawkins lost another game yesterday, this time in San Diego, by allowing a run in the tenth.

Please refrain from smoking while this guy is on the mound. Do the Rockies even watch baseball?

5) The Giants AAA team, the Fresno Tim Lincicums, got off to a great start. The guy they picked up in the Jason Ellison trade (Travis Blackley) had a great start as well. For the first time in what seems like ever, the crop of talent at Fresno actually excites me.

6) After watching Joe Buck and Tim McCarver talk for 30 seconds on the FOX game of the week, I had an epileptic seizure and my son shit himself. Horrible combination.

7) Is Roger Clemens going to pitch this year? Why isn't the baseball world talking about this? Wait...

8) Something I actually heard Keith Hernandez (a New York mets broadcaster) say during the Phillies/Mets broadcast this morning: In discussing Jimmy Rollins' proclamation in Spring Training that the Phills were the team to beat in the NL East, Hernandez said (and I paraphrase), "You know, it's just best if you shut your mouth. Do your talking on the field."

Um, Keith? Heed your own advice. As we all know, New Yorkers, especially Hernandez, ALWAYS know when to shut their mouth. The irony, which ran freely on so many levels, was clearly lost on Hernandez's colleague.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

It's OmbudsMAN, not OmbudsLADY!

It's really getting messy now.

It appears that the outrage shown by bloggers worldwide found its way to the official ESPN ombudsman's email box. Yup, on Sunday night, ESPN's new ombudsman, Le Anne Schreiber ("The public's representative to ESPN,") posted a scathing critique of Schrutebag of ESPN Radio, making it crystal clear that... well, nothing really.

However, rumor has it that she really gave it to Schrutebag with the following exchange in a back hallway somewhere in Bristol, CT:

(Le Ann Schreiber): All right, Cowherd... you called down the
thunder, well now you've got it!

You see that? (Points to her business card) It says ESPN ombudsman!

(Schrutebag):[terrified, pleading] Le Ann, please, I...

(LeAnn Schreiber): [referring to Jason Whitlock, lying dead] Take a good look at him, Colin... 'cause that's how you're gonna end up! [shoves Schrutebag down roughly with her boot]

(LeAnn Schreiber):Your days of plagiarizing blogs and calling on your listeners to shut down random sites are finished, you understand?! I see an arrogant grin, I kill the man wearin' it! [lets Schrutebag up to run for his life]

(LeAnn Schreiber): So run, you cur... RUN! Tell all the other curs the law's comin'! [shouting]

You tell 'em I'M coming... and hell's coming with me, you hear?... [louder]

Hell's coming with me!!!!

LeAnn Schreiber... Bitch on wheels

Okay, so that was straight from one of the best movies on the planet (courtesy But that's how I envisioned it goin' down.

Really, all Schreiber did was report that ESPN now has a 'no tolerance' policy regarding such matters, meaning Schrutebag isn't really going to be punished at all. Damn shame. I was hoping for a gunfight.


Yes, I know. The Giants, as of Sunday morning, are 1-4. They haven't exactly been tearing up the NL West on their way to the first 150-win season in MLB history, instead filling the toilet of baseball in the Sondog wing of the anti-hall of fame.

What's crazy is that I am totally excited about this start. It is the least worried about a 1-4 start I have ever seen. When I watch the 2007 version of the San Francisco Giants, I am watching a team that, including Barry Bonds, is easy to root for. They are, excluding Bonds, generally good guys. They play the game, excluding Bonds, fast. Well, excluding Bonds, Molina, Feliz and Aurillia, but they are much faster than they've been in a while. Dave Roberts is as fun to watch now as he was annoying when he played for the Padres and Dodgers. I still think Omar is the best player I have ever seen. Bonds is a fucking stud and, by the way to all the size matters steroid patrollers, bigger than he was in 2001. Ray Durham has transformed himself into a, well not a cleanup guy, but an effective middle-of-the-order hitter. Aurillia being back is great, even if he is five years removed from being good. When they score a run on offense, it is because someone has been blowing around the bases. I love seeing bombs, but watching a triple develop from your seat is the most exciting thing in sports.

The starters are amazing. Matt Cain is in the top three young pitchers in the game, and Russ Ortiz is back throwing in the low to mid '90s. The bullpen stinks, and along with a powerless offense will be the downfall of this team.

They may go 12-150. Right now, I don't feel like this teeam has found its voice yet. When it does, well, who knows what they hell will happen. At least it's entertaining.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Who's a Coward?

Pretty much the entire blogging world has already written about this. I first saw it on Deadspin.

I hope dude ends up here.

Of course no one had ever heard of this guy before. But now he's getting body-slammed all over the internet. As he should. Because he's a Schrutebag.

After a Google Image Search, I am extremely confused....

When did the Half Baked Guy get his own ESPN radio show?

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

YDB Award: Premature Eja... Celebration

by SonDog

There were many nominees for this week's You Dumb Bastard award. There were so many, in fact, that I was actually up for the award. Why, you ask? Because I am supposed to be in Europe right now... but I'm not... because I lost my fucking passport.

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

That's right, I'm a dumb bastard.

That being said, this week's award goes to the Washington Wizards' Michael Ruffin. For those of you who don't know Michael Ruffin, he's a seldom-used big man who spends most of his time buried on the Wiz's bench, trying to avoid the collateral damage from the daily fights between Brendan Heywood and Etan Thomas. He also tries, unsuccessfully, to not look like a freak-show attraction.

Hi, I'm Michael Ruffin. I'm a relative of Willie McGee and Calvin Booth. And I'm a Dumb Bastard.

Ruffin wins this week's award because of his premature celebration attempt in last week's game against the Toronto Raptors. With the Wiz up by three with two seconds left, Ruffin... well, just watch this clip...

On a side note, I think that spastic announcer for Toronto said, "Onions! Baby, Onions!" at one point. Which begs the question, "Um, what?"

At any rate, that clip is one of the many reasons that Michael Ruffin spends most of his time buried on the Wizards' bench. It's worth noting that these two teams are battling for playoff position and that Toronto WON this game in overtime. I heard that Gilbert Arenas was quoted as saying, "I want Michael Ruffin dead. Seriously, somebody murder him. I'll pay you to do it." But maybe I just made that up. Why he was in the game in the closing minutes is a question that only Washington coach Eddie Jordan can answer.

So, cheers to you, scary-looking Michael Ruffin. Cheers, You Dumb Bastard.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Let! Them! Play!

Fans were robbed last night.

"Greatest Big-Man Battle Since Ewing vs. Hakeem..." No one will ever know. Impressive as it was to watch Ohio State play so well without him (Ewing/Oden Theory?), I couldn't help but feel a bit deflated. Like when Tyson knocked Spinks out in a minute and a half.

Those damn Zebras had been letting most teams duke it out in classic March Madness fashion up until this game...and when they called that completely obvious make-up foul on Hibbert to give him his second, I felt like ironing pants for the rest of the first half.

Could have been a GREAT game.

Then Afflalo...

COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!! Two fouls in the first two #$%!& *#$% minutes!!!!!

No way UCLA had a chance without their first team All-American. Josh Shipp played a hell of a game, but alas, not enough. I didn't even care who won, and I actually felt genuinely sorry for the Bruins. Afflalo comes in and scores all of his 17 points in the last 7 minutes of the game.

And we're all left wondering how great those two games might have been.