Sunday, May 18, 2008

This has to have been written by a high-schooler...

...because John Donovan's MLB Power Rankings at is awwwwwwful.  I can't tell if the whole thing is one guy's from-the-hip opinion, if there's any rhyme or reason to this picks, or if he just watches Sportscenter for his information.  Sightastic.  

Tampa Bay Rays - Are the Rays really the third-best team in baseball, you ask? Well, this week they are, I answer. After sweeping the Angels and beating the Yankees three out of four, everyone has to be impressed. Plus they're in first place in the most difficult division for a small-revenue team in baseball to win in, the American League East. Will they stay on top, you ask? Well, these aren't the All-Seeing PRs, I answer.

Wonderful, I sarcastically answer.  Jesus, talk about your qualifiers.  "Plus, they're in first place in the most difficult division for a small-revenue team in baseball to win in, the American League East."  

I'm not sure the Astros can stay here with that starting pitching -- in fact, I'm pretty sure they can't -- but give them credit for spunkiness. They've won six times when behind after eight innings. That?s spunky-riffic. Meanwhile, Lance Berkman continues to swing the bat like an MVP (his .391, 15 homers, 43 RBIs are only a few points on the batting average short of Triple Crown stuff), pushing the Astros to 11 wins in their last 13 games.

Houston has the 11th best record in baseball but is fourth on this list.  Clearly, the team's +513 spunkiness factor bumped them up the list.  The Astros are like the baseball version of a sophomore cheerleader.  Yahoo!  And parenthetically, Berkman's doing something good to help.  

More importantly, what are Donovan's criteria?  Clearly, he does not think the Astros are going to bee this good all year.  Is it about right now?  Or a team's actual perceived goodness on the Donovan-abortion-nothing-new-rip-off-of-every-other-power-rankings-scale?  Cripes.

Ex-ace John Lackey is back, and he looked pretty good Wednesday against the White Sox. Not good enough for the Halos to win, unfortunately, but good enough to give Angels' fans plenty to hope for in the next few months. This weekend, the Big A hosts the cross-sprawl Dodgers in the opening of interleague play. It's great when these two sets of rowdy fans start throwing California rolls and guacamole at each other.

I have two problems with this.  1) what is this condescending bullshit and 2) when was John Lackey an ace?  Do a team's fan's ferocity and narcissism regarding their teams have anything to do with the Angels' spot on the list.  Fuck, dude.  A joke about Californians eating sushi and avocados.  I think 1989 just winked at you.  Well done, doucheclown.  Fuck, Phillie fans eat boxes of rusty nails at the game.  You should be there to see the fans when The Cards and Royals hook up.  Two of the seven grains in their cereal are tornado dust and Mississippi silt.  

How can you not absolutely love Manny Ramirez? So he hangs his teammates out to dry once in a while, and his defense is not something he really bothers with most nights, and he sometimes looks as if he'd rather be anywhere than where he is. Sometimes, in fact, he looks like he is someplace else. Still, that catch the other day, where he high-fived the fan and then completed a double play? Priceless.

Aside from these eight reasons, how could you not love Manny?  Oh yeah, Manny being Manny means the Red Sox are #6 on the list.  

The Phillies are a little worried about Brett Myers, who is 0-3 with a 7.62 ERA in his last five starts. "It's almost a little bit of the Adam Eaton syndrome, where any time the ball was anywhere near the hitting zone, they killed it," catcher Chris Coste said. I don't know what the Eaton Syndrome is, exactly, but it sounds awfully scary. Hope Myers and ace Cole Hamels are on opposite sides of the clubhouse.

Hahaha.  You don't know what Adam Eato...oh he for you.  

The Marlins had it going on with a seven-game winning streak until they ran into -- the Reds? With three losses in Cincinnati (and a rainout Thursday), the Fish showed again that they can flop around with the best, and the worst, of them. Love the imminent signing of Hanley Ramirez. Still don't think that makes this a playoff team.

So a contract extension for a guy already playing for the Marlins might now transform them into a playoff team?  Analysis complete, and check cashed.    

Are we all psyched up about another Subway Series this weekend? It'll be the last, you might have heard, in the old Yankee Stadium. Unless, of course, the Yanks and Mets meet in the World Series again. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. I crack myself up. I better stop laughing. Billy Wagner is liable to bite my head off.

Why the Wagner-bash?  He was pissed because his teammates weren't talking to reporters.  
Hank's barking about wanting to be more like the Rays. If the seat of Brian Cashman's pants get any hotter, he's gonna earn his own MTV show. The lineup just hit .197 against Tampa Bay. Another week in paradise.         

I'll admit, I don't get the MTV joke.  Is it about hot girls with hot-pants.  Is there a new show called "The Hot Seat" I've never seen.  I haven't watched MTV in like 10 years, so I'm lost.  Speaking of Lost, my guess is that Jin, Desmond and Micheal are about to die on the boat.  Micheal's story has petered out, Desmond has had his reconnection with Penny, and Sun told the reporters that Jin had not died on the island.  Desmond is my - a lot of peoples, really -favorite character, but the writers have been known to fuck us before.  Hello, Mr. Eko. 
Ken Griffey Jr. told new GM Walt Jocketty, according to the Enquirer, that he wants to play in Cincy and win a championship there. Jocketty has had no trade discussions with anyone about Junior. Did I mention Griffey is hitting .250 with four homers?

I mean, isn't ripping on Griffey Jr. just stupid at this point?  And wouldn't it be more appropriate to rip on him if he were demanding a trade despite his BA and bombs?  The guy's not having the greatest year, but he's on base a lot (.335).

GM Brian Sabean told the Chronicle the other day that, "we've got to be considered one of the most improved teams in baseball." This is prime material for a wisecrack. But I am speechless. How about you, Giants' fans?

I know they've floundered a bit lately, but I totally agree that this is one of the most improved teams in baseball.  Considering the team was universally chosen to win seven games all year, a lot of young players are getting a chance to play, Brian Wilson is one of the best closers in baseball, and Tim Lincecum is a stud, yeah, I'd say they're much improved and their situation has improved since the beginning of the year.  

Interesting story in the Times the other day asking if the diverse M's, who have players from 10 different countries and territories, are suffering from a communications gap. The M's say no. Which leads us to conclude that they just stink.

MLB players are a bunch of ethnocentric fags. 

Jeebus, man, isn't the whole snarky power rankings thing a little played by now?

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