Thursday, September 29, 2005

The Games I Will Not be Watching on Sunday

Houston @ Cincinnati (-10): While it's not just a rumor that this game will not be in my NFL Ticket rotation on Sunday, this is a pretty intriguing matchup between a team that is flailing like a hooked salmon, and a team that is crawling out from the dust of 16 years of misery. Houston came into the season looking like a team that was ready to make the playoffs. They have a quarterback primed to make "The Leap," a running back who seemed destined to be one of the top-5 fantasy backs in football (DAMNED YOU FANTASY FOOTBALL GUIDE!! DAMNED YOU!!!!), and a wide receiver who looked primed for a T.O.-type breakout (without the drama, headaches, PMSing, et. al.). That being said, Houston's offense has been an absolute train-wreck through its first two games. In fact, the Texans hit the panic button after week two and fired their offensive coordinator. On the other side of the ball, the Bungals (sorry, force of habit) have looked like one of the best teams in the NFL. No, really, I'm serious. I know, I can hardly believe it myself, but I'm serious. So, what we have here is a team that is rolling (Bungles... Damnit!), and a team that is trying desperately just to move the ball past mid-field. In addition, the boys in Vegas have the Bengals as a ten-point favorite. Add that up, and the sum equals an incredibly obvious upset. Houston covers the spread, but Cincy wins the game.

Buffalo @ New Orleans (in San Antonio): True quote from J.P. Losman earlier this year after spending a day with Bret Favre, "He invited me into the house for a little bit. There he was with his tight little shorts, no shirt and his little red hat. He was doing some farming or something. He was covered in dirt. It was awesome." Wha? I couldn't make that up if I tried. I would love to speak more about this game, but it is written in scripture that you should never, ever, under any circumstances, bet on a team that is from a city recovering from a catastrophic natural disaster. Really, you can look it up. In fact, if I speak any more on this game, I fear I will be struck down by lightning.

NY Jets @ Baltimore (-7.5): Remember that scene in Major League where the construction worker (who is now the janitor in Scrubs) picks up the newspaper to see who made the Cleveland Indians roster? He turns to his buddy and says, "Who are these fu**ing guys?" Well, that was Ravens' coach Brian Billick this week during practice, but he was speaking of his own offense. Can you name three Ravens not named Lewis? Neither can he. Yet, somehow, they're favored by a touchdown to win this game. Could be from the fact that the Jets are starting a quarterback that has a PERFECT name for a porno. Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce, Brooks Bollinger! Prediction: The Jets easily cover the spread, win the game, and I will be wishing I was Brooks Bollinger on Sunday evening.

Detroit @ Tampa Bay (-6.5): While Jeff Garcia gets nursed back to health by his Playmate of the Year girlfriend, Joey Harrington continues to struggle. Dude, you have the Holy Trinity of young wide receivers at your disposal, and a back that is just begging to have a breakout year (at least that's what I was anticipating when I took him in the third round of my draft). If Joey doesn't do something soon, I have a feeling that Matt Millen is going to go all Al Pacino in Scarface on him. In Tampa, after setting the record for most rushing yards for a rookie after two weeks in week 2, Cadillac Williams went out and set the record for most rushing yards for a rookie after three weeks in week 3. (Note to all NFL pre-game show producers: If you tell your anchors to bring this fact up one more friggin' time, somebody is going to be drug out to the street and shot like a racehorse with a broken ankle. I'm not joking anymore.) Tampa covers the spread and wins this game as Millen gives Harrington a Jon Gruden-type stank-eye through the entire game.

Seattle @ Washington (-2): I read this week that Shaun Alexander has "literally been carrying Seattle on his back in the early-season." Really? Literally? Wow, that must be heavy. I don't want to go off on a rant here, but the word "literally" is not only the most over-used word in our lexicon, but it is also the most misused word. I literally crap my pants when I see it in the wrong context. Seriously, it causes a literal shit-storm in my mind as to how people don't understand when it is appropriate to use the word "literally." My brain literally oozes out of my ear with frustration. Anyways, I see Seattle literally running all over Washington as they are literally carried around by the literal giant that is Alexander. Joe Gibbs will literally have a brain aneurysm from watching his offense literally do nothing.

"Why, yes, I literally crapped my underpants from laughter."

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