Friday, September 30, 2005

The Games I Will be Watching on Sunday

San Diego @ New England (-5.5): A lot of the so-called "experts" have picked San Diego to come in and steal a game in Boston. True, New England lost its best tackle and secondary player for the season. But, knowing Bill Belichick, one can surmise that Tom Brady will fill the roll of Rodney Harrison admirably, while Kevin Faulk will seamlessly slide into the tackle position. In fact, I read somewhere that The Coach plans on using his dog, Cannibal, on third-down situations. I can see Boston's utter lack of concern from here. New England wins this game and easily covers the spread.

New England's new third-down back, Cannibal


Denver @ Jacksonville (-4): Classic, classic case of Monday Night hangover for Denver this week. Three things are going against them: 1) They dominated Kansas City in every aspect of the game on Monday, giving them an undeserved sense of accomplishment, 2) Their coach is still Mike Shannahan, which essentially is the equivalent of Denver spotting the Jags 10 points, 3) their quarterback is still Jake Plummer, who was THRILLED that he didn't turn the ball over on Monday. Hey, Jake, THAT'S YOUR JOB! In Jacksonville, Byron Leftwich is quickly gaining the reputation as the toughest QB in the game. Have you seen some of the hits this guy takes? It's been posted here before, but I can see him losing his arm in a game, and writing it off as a mere flesh-wound. Remember the scene at the end of Platoon where William DaFoe is running from the entire Viet Cong as his unit watches from a helicopter above? He continually gets riddled with bullets, but somehow he keeps running? I thought this scenario was pure fiction until I watched Leftwich in the Indianapolis game. I would not be surprised to see him lose his left foot on a wicked sack, yet somehow hop around on one leg like a pogo-stick for the remainder of the game, refusing to let his team lose. Anything can happen with this guy. Jacksonville takes this one.

Still photo of Byron Leftwich against Indianapolis


Indianapolis (-7) @ Tennessee: One question: What the hell happened to Indy's offense? What used to be the fastest show no turf has been slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Yet, they are undefeated because of their defense. Wait, on second thought, another question: Indy has a defense? When did this happen? Indy will bust out offensively like Anna Nicole Smith in a push-up bra this weekend, coinciding with the rotation of the earth returning to normal. It's the only reason I can think for their early offensive deficiencies. It's just science. Indy wins big.

Philly @ Kansas City (-2.5): Will Kansas City rebound from its Monday Night debacle? Will they finally use Priest Holmes as an every-down back, rather than alternate with Larry "On the floor biatch!" Johnson? (Please, for the love of God, Vermeil, please use him every down, I'm begging you) Will Donovan McNabb and T.O. brush aside their petty differences and publicly display their love for one another by doing the nasty on the sidelines? So many questions, so much drama. Prediction: Vermiel cries at some point; Donovan and T.O. have another fight and bitch-slap each other, and the entire game is syndicated by CBS and turned into a new afternoon soap. Fascinating stuff. And Philly will win.

St. Louis @ NY Giants (-3): Little known fact found in the biography of Albert Einstein. After calculating the speed of light, he made this incredible discovery: Mike Martz = Worst. Coach. Ever. Soon, I'm writing 3,000 words on why this is the scientific data. But, for now you just have to believe me. Example 1: Martz challenged THE OPENING KICKOFF IN WEEK 1... AND LOST!!! The word "Douchebag" applies mightily as the force is strong with this one. If you remember one thing from this (write this down), never, ever, under any circumstances, bet on Mike Martz. Trust me on this one. Giants win and cover the spread.

Minnesota @ Atlanta (-6): I have no idea what to think of this Vikings team. There was a Daunte Culpepper sighting last week, saving Mike Tice's job for one more game, and keeping legions of fantasy owners from jumping off the Metrodome roof. Do they miss Randy Moss this bad? In Atlanta, every week without a Mike Vick injury is a small victory for the Falcons. Seriously, when will Jim Mora Jr. kill this ridiculous experiment and put Vick at halfback? Just do it already. I think (really, this is difficult) this game (still thinking) will be tighter (?) than the spread indicates (if you're betting on this, don't), but Atlanta will prevail on a late field goal (sounds about right).

Dallas @ Oakland (-3.5): Drew Bledsoe was DYING to throw an interception or fumble in the fourth quarter last week in SF. You could feel it. As a 49er fan, you were just waiting for it... wondering who would get the INT. Alas, Bledsoe, Keyshaun, Tuna, and Terry Glenn prevailed, providing all with an undeserving sense of accomplishment. In Oakland, the Raiders are 0-3 after their opening schedule from hell (@ New England, Kansas City, @ Philly -- honestly, do you think Paul Tagliabue is still laughing?), and they're due for a victory. Randy Moss and Kerry Collins will light it up in the jungle, and 314 fans will be arrested after the game, just because.

Coming Saturday, breakdown of a game only a mother (or a fan) could love: San Francisco vs. Arizona in Mexico City.

1 comment:

bh said...

I think the NFL put SF and AZ in MC because they wanted to make sure that the rest of the western hemisphere was actually not caring. I think there's a sinster plot in the works. I don't know what it is. Come on though. San Fran and Arizona in Mexico City? At least it's a Cardinal home game.