Like an Inmate at Alcatraz

by SonDog

While trying to keep my very loud son entertained until 1 in the morning last night, I decided to throw in one of my all-time favorite DVD's, The Rock. I figured, what better way to entertain him than to play a movie where guys are swearing and blowing stuff up? True, since he's only been outside of the womb for a month, he cannot truly comprehend anything around him other than boobs, poop and pee, however I somehow rationalized that Connery's voice may be soothing on his nerves.

With this in mind, I thought I would take some of the movie's most memorable quotes and dedicate them to many of the participants of the San Francisco Giants 2006 season.

(Editors Note: Seriously, this team still has a chance to win the NL West? Seriously? To use one of my favorite BH lines, I don't think I've ever been more uninspired by a team that's had a chance to win a division. With the exception of last year maybe. This is getting old. No pun intended.)

General Hummell: "Ladies and gentlemen, you're being detained against your will, and for that I apologize. It is not our intention in any way to harm you, you will not be detained one minute longer than is necessary for us to complete our mission."

To the Giants public relations staff. This is what they should have said to the Giants beat writers before the season started, shortly after two San Francisco Chronicle writers lambaste the franchise and the franchise player in a tell-all book. So, combine the book, the daily task of trying to decipher exactly what the hell Felipe Alou is trying to say and trying to come up with creative ways to use the words "failure" and "Armando Benitez" in the same sentence, this must be a hellacious season for the guys who cover the team. Inmates, all of them.

"What do you know about V.X. gas?"
Dr. Stanley Goodspeed: "Liquid; failed pesticide; discovered by mistake in 1952. Uhh, actually, it's kind of like champagne that way. The Franciscan monks thought they were making white wine. Somehow the bottle carbonated. Voila, champagne, and uhh, then the whole thing..."
FBI Director Womack: "The gas, Dr. Goodspeed."
Dr. Stanley Goodspeed: "It's very, very horrible sir. It's one of those things we wish we could disinvent. This isn't a training exercise, is it?"

To the Jamey Wright-experience. Wright started the season great. In fact, he was the team's second best starter for the first six weeks or so. It was happy-go-lucky-joke time. Folks around the team were talking about how Wright was the next great Sabean gem, almost found by accident. Well, turns out, once Wright figured out that the team actually needed to count on him, he crapped the bed. Brad Hennessey should have been the fifth starter all along.

Stanley Goodspeed: "Look, I'm just a biochemist. Most of the time, I work in a little glass jar and lead a very uneventful life. I drive a Volvo, a beige one. But what I'm dealing with here is one of the most deadly substances the earth has ever known, so what say you cut me some FRIGGIN' SLACK?"

To the baseball writers who have criticized Matt Cain for being inconsistent. HE'S 21 YEARS OLD! He kind of gets a pass for that. I can't wait to watch Cain as his career develops. I'll deal with his inconsistency this year because, you know, that's kind of what you get from young players. In fairness, the Giants haven't developed young players in a while (unless you count 31-year-old Pedro Feliz), so maybe the media just isn't used to it.

Stanley Goodspeed: "You've been around a lot of corpses. Is that normal?"
John Mason: "What, the feet thing?"
Stanley Goodspeed: "Yeah, the feet thing."
John Mason: "Yeah, it happens."
Stanley Goodspeed: "Yeah, well I'm having a hard time concentrating. Can you do something about it? "
John Mason: "Like what, kill him again?"

One of my favorite exchanges in the movie is dedicated to Moises Alou. His feet may still move from time to time, but for all intents and purposes, his career is dead. The words "healthy" and "Moises Alou" go together like the words "oil" and "water." While Alou can still rake when he's in the lineup, he can pull a calf just walking to the urinal.

John Mason: "This is more enjoyable than my average day... reading philosophy, avoiding gang rape in the washrooms... though, it's less of a problem these days... maybe I'm losing my sex appeal."

To Felipe Alou. When Alou was in Montreal, he was widely credited as being one of the best managers in baseball and a legend when it came to grooming young players. Then, Jeffrey "Hi, I'm an idiot" Loria fired him for something stupid, and he was off fishing and reading philosophy for a few years. Suddenly, the Giants bring him back to manage the team after Dusty Baker is dismissed, and as Giants fans, we rejoice. Four years later, by all accounts, Alou hasn't spoken to anybody on the roster since he was introduced at his initial press conference. He hasn't really groomed any young players aside from Cain and Noah Lowry. And now, most Giants fans believe it's a foregone conclusion that Alou will retire after the season as he seems more washed up than clothing at a thrift store. I don't have a terrible problem with Alou, but I don't think your manager should be older than the ball dudes.

Stanley Goodspeed: How, in the name of Zeus's butthole, did you get out of your cell?

To Eliezar Alfonzo. After spending 10 years in the minors, Alfonzo was called up when Mike Matheney went on the disabled list. He's been a life-saver for this team. Strangely, Alfonzo was demoted from AAA-Fresno to AA-Connecticut early this season. Next thing you know, he's getting game-winning hits three times a week. Mike Krukow's "Runaway beer truck" description of Alfonzo is priceless.

Cable car conductor: "Damn, this sucks. Where's that son of a bitch? I'm going to hunt him down. That motherfucker ain't safe nowhere."

To Giants fans. If I'm Armando Benitez, I don't show my face anywhere around San Francisco (or Baltimore, or New York, or Seattle). Just the sight of Benitez in the dugout causes most rational fans to spontaneously erupt into a chorus of boos. I can't remember another player in Giants history who was booed as much as Benitez while still wearing the San Francisco uniform. And I love every second of it.

John Mason: "Who's Carla? And why don't you want her to come to San Francisco?"

To Brian Sabean. "Carla" is any player older than 30. And we don't want them coming to San Francisco next year because we're tired of watching guys pull muscles while putting in their dentures. Sabean promised in an online chat on Friday that the team would get younger next season. That said, I don't think it would be possible not to get younger, considering this is the oldest team ever constructed. Sabes, you got one more chance in my book. Make it happen.

[reading Hummel's file] Chief of Staff Hayden Sinclair: "Three tours in Vietnam, Panama, Grenada, Desert Storm; three Purple Hearts, two Silver Stars and the Congressional Medal of - Jesus. This man is a hero."
General Al Kramer: "Well, I think "legend" might be a better description, Mr. Sinclair."
Chief of Staff Hayden Sinclair: "Well, now we can add kidnapping and extortion to his list of accolades."

Um. To Barry Bonds.