Saturday, October 01, 2005

Muy comico! Dios freakin' mio!

I can tell you one thing for certain, my Spanish is horrible. Es no muy bueno, for suro. Four years of high-school classes taught me the Spanish vocabulary of a two-year-old with speaking difficulties.

That being said, I can't wait until Sunday evening to watch a battle of two juggernauts when the San Francisco 49ers visit the Arizona Cardinals. Now, when I say "visit," I mean this in the most relative term of all. This game is taking place in Mexico City, Mexico (as opposed to Mexico City, Croatia). Reports have indicated that residents of Mexico City are absolutely ecstatic to see a regular-season NFL game in their own backyard. In fact, this is the first ever international regular season NFL game. It's not confirmed yet, but various reports have indicated that the NFL is also thrilled to have the 49ers and Cardinals out of the states for a week.

During the 2004 season, the Pinto that was the 49ers team won a total of two games. Those two games were both against the Unicycle that was the Arizona Cardinals. As much as it pains me to say this as a die-hard 49er fan, this game has all the appeal of the Neiman Marcus 89-year-old "I'm Going to Slip into Something More Comfortable" collection.

How does one say "Ginormous Crapfest" in Spanish?

So, there are a couple of things in particular that I'm going to keep a keen eye on during this game:

1) How many politically incorrect one-liners will Paul Maguire and Joe Theisman come up with during the game? Really, I'm ready for just about anything with these two douchebags. I have a difficult time listening to them under normal circumstances. Now, you're going to pump them full of Tequila for a game between the doormats of the NFL, all while announcing the game in another country? I'm guessing that less than 20 minutes into the game, Maguire will turn to Theisman and say, "Joe, kindly shut your damn FLAN HOLE!! Seriously, anything is possible with this situation.

2) Will Jamie Winborn pull a Billy Cole? After his post-game meltdown with reporters last week (in which Niners coach Mike Nolan said, and I'm paraphrasing here, "I'm gonna fire everybody who doesn't kiss my ass!"), Nolan told Jamie Winborn thanks, but no thanks. Take a hike, meat. Winborn, who was regarded as one of the Niners ten best players (by everybody but Nolan, that is), is now sitting at home waiting for a trade. Billy Cole, of course, was the running back in The Last Boyscout. I really hope that at this point you get where I'm going with this.

3) How many enchiladas and tacos will Denny Green consume on the sidelines during this game? Wow, has Dennis Green put on some pounds. Granted, his weight has nothing to do with his ability to coach. Unless, that is, his weight causes him to sustain a massive heart attack during the third quarter. This, of course, would indeed limit his ability to coach. You could almost replace Chris Farley with Dennis Green at this point and nobody would notice.

4) That being said, "Hola ninos! Me llamo Matt Foley! Y yo soy un motivational speaker! Yo tengo treceta y cinco anos, yoy soy tres divorciano, y yo vivo en "VAN" CERCA DE UN RIO!! " Seriously, this HAS to be one of the top-5 SNL skits of all-time. At some point, it needs to be mentioned during this game.

5) What's the over/under on Mike Patrick asking the following question during the third quarter, "Josh McCown dropping back to pass, looking to his... okay, seriously, is anybody even watching this game? No? Joe, dame un favor, y callate su grande YAPPER! Al y Joe, yo comprendo que ustedes beben Tequila, Whoo! fumen marijuana, y bailan el flamenco! Pronto, ustedes flamenco en un "VAN" CERCA DE UN RIO!"

6) I'm looking forward to learning what the equivalent of the SAP button is on DirecTV Mexico. Really, I've lied awake at night thinking about this.

7) How many incredibly stupid things will the editors at ESPN make Chris Berman say during his halftime show? I'm guessing somewhere in the vicinity of 43.

Does a negative plus a negative equal a positive? Absolutely. And the positive to this game is that it is a certainty that I will be in a drunken fog by halftime. I don't know about you, but I can't wait. I fully intend to come up with at least 4 new drinking games during the telecast. That, in itself, will make it worth my three-hours of time.

These guys do realize that they're getting the Niners vs. Cardinals, right?

Predicting the outcome of this game is a challenge. The Niners have looked fantastic for all of four quarters this year (first-half versus Rams, and first-half versus Cowboys), and they have been an absolute eye-sore during the other eight. Nobody really knows what to expect from them. Arizona has had just about the same pattern, plus, they get the shaft of playing a "home" game at Estadio Azteca. That being said, I'm expecting the Niners to salir victorioso. Gracias para ustedes tiempo.


The Cavalier said...

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bh said...

What's the over/under on sappy, feel good moments in which we are shown Mexican fans that are just so darned excited to have an NFL game being played in their country? Mike Patrick will certainly tell us that we are to feel some level of emotion twoard these NFL starved fans.