The Life of a Fan

Somewhere around 10:45 on Monday night, many residents of River Oaks awoke to the sounds of utter euphoria. The San Francisco Giants entered a four-game series with the division leading San Diego Padres only four games behind, with seven games to play. The ONLY way the Giants would have a chance to win the division would be to sweep all four games in San Diego. With two outs in the top of the ninth inning on Monday night, it looked like the Giants' season was coming to an anticlimactic end. The Giants were down 2-1, and hall-of-famer-to-be Trevor Hoffman was on the mound for the Padres. The exuberant cheers from my house came when Randy Winn hit an improbable triple off the glove of an outstretched Brian Giles, to score the tying run (Winn ultimately scored the winning run). During the game-winning rally, I was possessed by the ghost of 1980 Miracle on Ice announcer Al Michaels, as I ran around the house screaming, "DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! YES!!!" For one night, I believed (for the 423rd time this year), that the Giants' could indeed win the putrid National League West. Thus, to keep myself from going into an anxiety-induced panic attack during Tuesday's game, I decided to keep a running diary of events. The following is a recap of the exact events as they transpired:

8:05 PM Randy Winn steps in for the first pitch. Just read that Winn is leading the league in batting avg. and slugging percentage in the month of September. With his torrid two-month stint in SF (after coming over in a deadline deal with Seattle), Winn has cemented his spot as the best mid-season pickup since Leonardo DiCaprio joined the cast of Growing Pains during season five. As if on cue, Winn hits a dead quail that falls between SS and CF. At exactly the same time, Kirk Cameron's star is seen plummeting to the earth.

8:15 PM Barry Bonds steps to the plate with runners on first and third. Bonds went 0 for 5 last night, and if you have watched Bonds through the years, you know he's going to hit one out here. Giants' announcer Mike Krukow mentions that Bonds had a great batting practice session, hitting balls with authority to the opposite field.

8:16 PM Bonds hits a three-run homerun to the opposite field. 3-0 Gigantes. There is no way they are going to lose this game.

8:17 PM Just learned from Krukow that Bonds was playing chess before the game with third-base coach Gene Glynn. Congress is now investigating whether or not Bonds' rook and queen were taking Human Growth Hormone or anabolic steroids. Bonds loses the match, and blames the media. Congress blames Bonds for the dwindling popularity of chess.

8:20 PM The footsteps that San Diego is hearing just increased in volume by 300%. Padres Manager Bruce Bochy is seen borrowing Rafael Palmeiro's earplugs.

8:21 PM Bochy just realized Bret Tomko was pitching for the Giants. He exhales and starts preparing for the post-season.

8:34 PM Tomko gives up three runs as the Padres tie the game in the bottom of the first 3-3. I can't make this stuff up. Giants GM Brian Sabean is seen purchasing a one-way ticket on Orbitz to Bolivia for a passenger (last name) Tomko, (first name) Bret.

8:55 PM Moises Alou hits a run-scoring triple to give the Giants a 5-3 lead. Tomko, who has blamed his teammates all season for his struggles, appears to be gaining confidence as he pitched a shutout inning in the bottom of the second. San Diego is backed into a corner. The animal known as Momentum is in the Giants' dugout, and it just seems like his girlfriend Fate is there as well.

9:12 PM Tomko, during warm-ups, pukes on himself from nerves. It's apparent at this point that Tomko is going to turn this into one of his infamous crapfests.

9:13 PM Krukow mentions for the 37th time that Padres' catcher Ramon Hernandez has killed the Giants all year. Tomko would be wise to avoid him in this at bat, despite two-runners being on base. Tomko proceeds to give up a two-run triple to Hernandez. The catcher now has three RBI on the night. Manager Felipe Alou decides to stick with Tomko after Bret finds a way to blame the Giants' PR staff for his struggles on this evening. Game tied at 5. If you will excuse me, I'm going to go poke my eyes out with a pair of chopsticks.

9:23 PM Winn leads off the top of the fourth by singling to center for his third hit of the game. In the series, Winn is 7 for 7, with a triple and two doubles. Bochy is seen calling in the San Diego S.W.A.T. to set up sniper positions over the center field wall. Winn is simply refusing to let Tomko screw this up.

9:25 PM Winn scores on a sacrifice fly by J.T. Snow. As he is running back to the dugout, Winn grabs Snow's bat, and pulls a Nancy Kerrigan on Tomko. As is the norm for the journeyman pitcher, Tomko is on the ground shouting, "WHY ME? DEAR GOD, WHY ME???"

9:26 PM For the second time tonight, Bonds walks as new pitcher Clay Hensley simply underhands each pitch to the catcher. As he's trotting to first, three Congressmen blame Bonds for the missing WMD's.

9:30 PM Just found out from a commercial that Viagra is sponsoring the Comeback Player of the Year. What the hell is that statue going to look like? Do we really need Viagra to sponsor an award? I mean, this is the same company that has Rafael Palmeiro as a sponsor. Really, if the best person you can find for your spokesperson has a porn-star mustache, you're in trouble. And they're sponsoring the Comeback Player of the Year? Seriously? Speaking of Viagra (to borrow a line that I heard on Comedy Central), if I have an erection that lasts longer than three hours, I'm not just contacting my doctor; I'm calling EVERYBODY I KNOW.

9:35 PM Alou wakes up from his mid-game nap and replaces Tomko with 57-year-old Jeff Fassero. On his way to the locker room, Tomko decides to blame his teammates' diverted attention towards Hurricane Rita for his poor performance. Fassero hands his walker to Alou and begins warming up.

9:47 PM With two-outs in the bottom of the fourth, J.T. Snow makes an uncharacteristic error to allow San Diego to load the bases for the aforementioned Ramon Hernandez. It didn't help that Fassero had walked two runners as well. Giants Nation has seen this before, as Momentum and Fate spring from the Giants' dugout and dive into the Padres' dugout. For the 121st time, Krukow mentions that Hernandez has KILLED the Giants this year.

9:48 PM Tough spot for Fassero here. He can't give anything good to hit to Hernandez, but he can't just walk him with the bases full. This at bat very well could determine the season.

9:49 PM Grand Slam by Hernandez. I can't believe this. 9-6 Padres. I'm speechless. In related news, 53 people just jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. If you will excuse me, I'm going to go spray mace in my eyes, cover my body in glue, and roll around in a room full of razor blades.

10:10 PM The proverbial wind is slowing to a creep behind the Giants' proverbial sail. Winn leads off the top of the sixth by grounding out to first base. The Grim Reaper is seen standing behind Felipe Alou, but there is no word as to whether it is for the team or for the 104-year-old manager.

10:24 PM At this point, with such an utter sense of hopelessness, I'm trying in vain to find something to entertain me. Suddenly, the Geico commercial with Tony Little comes on. I would have loved to hear that initial conversation after some Geico exec said, "Hey, let's contact Tony Little!"

Geico: "So, um, Tony, um, how would you like to make an absolute douchebag out of yourself for a commercial?"
Tony: "Sounds great! Tell me more!
Geico: "Basically, we want you to mock your entire career."
Tony: "Do I get to wear spandex and have my hair in a ginormous pony tail?"
Geico: "You can dooooo it!!"

10:25 PM I can't think of a more uninspiring phrase than, "Now pitching for the Giants, Brian Cooper." It's worth noting that Cooper pitched in Japan last year. It's also worth noting that had he had success in Japan, Cooper probably would still be pitching in Japan.

10:45 PM Winn strikes out swinging with one out in the top of the 8th. A snowball just darted through hell.

10:50 PM J.T. Snow grounds out to end a two-out threat. With the Giants down three runs, and Trevor Hoffman coming in with a three-run cushion in the ninth, this game is all but over. The Giants need another miracle. Al Michaels, we need you.

10:55 PM Latroy Hawkins pitches a 1-2-3 bottom of the 8th for what seems like the first time in his career. What a quick inning. It's worth noting that the Giants gave up two young prospects for Hawkins. The words "monumental" and "bust" are often seen in print next to Hawkins' name in Chicago and San Francisco. No, I'm not bitter at this point.

10:59 PM Bonds flies out to center field to lead off the 9th. President Bush makes a surprise appearance to blame Bonds for the slow recovery effort in New Orleans.

11:05 PM Giants lose 9-6. They no longer control their own destiny as San Diego's magic number stands at 2. San Francisco is 4 games back with 5 left to play. Miracle doesn't begin to describe what now needs to happen.

11:20 PM I'm going to go cry myself to sleep on the couch while trying to figure out if there is anything more important to life than baseball. At this point, I'm having a hard time coming up with anything.