If Only I Were A D-Backs Fan

Prior to tonight's game five of the NLCS between the Cardinals and Astros, I decided to keep a record of all the retarded things said by FOX broadcasters Thom Brenneman and Steve Lyons. It is now the top of the fourth, and I have a full page. Brenneman and Lyons are so bad, that I have turned the sound off on my television. I feel kind of bad, because tonight they have teamed up in the booth with ex-Giant Bob Brenley. Alas, Brenley cannot make up for the jackasses who insist on screwing up an important and otherwise enjoyable game. Some of the nuggets from Brenneman and Lyons follow. Keep in mind, this is a small sample and only covers 1 inning.

Bottom 2: After Chris Carpenter allows 1 run despite being in trouble early in the inning, Brenneman tells us that Carpenter did a great job getting out of the jam having allowed only the one run. Two things are wrong with this. He didn't actually get out of the jam. That would suggest that he hadn't given up a run. Secondly, I SAW THE FUCKING THING!! Why does this ass hole feel the need to tell viewers what we should feel about what happens on the field?

Bottom 2: After Yadier Molina tags a runner coming home from third on a sweet tag, all three of our beloved broadcasters go nuts over the way Molina made the play. Lyons weasels in the fact that Molina's brothers are both catchers (really, because I haven't heard that in every broadcast so far), and tells us that Molina knew he was going to get hit in the face by the runner. Really though, Steve doesn't know. it sounds good, and makes Molina look tougher, but Steve doesn't know. This is the guy that used to confuse Robb Nen's slider with a splitter.

Top 3: Brenneman tells us that the D-Backs/Yankees series of 2001, was one of the greatest series in the history of baseball. Yes Thom, it was a great series and I enjoyed watching it, but it was not one of the greatest in history. It went seven games, and it was won in a last at-bat. Few however are going to call it one of the greatest series in history, unless by "one of" you mean one of twenty.

Top 3: After taking a strike after showing bunt, Jim Edmonds turns around to talk to the home plate umpire. Brenneman, the diplomat, tells the fans that Edmonds is probably asking if it was a called strike, or if the pitch had been offered at. Really Thom, you don't know what the hell Edmonds is saying. You don't know what any major leaguer is saying when he turns around. You know as much as I do when I see Edmonds turn around.

Top 3: Steve Lyons calls Albert Pujols the best hitter in the game. Um, I don't know. There's this Bonds guy in San Francisco who can hit allright. I know he missed most of the season, but you know Steve, he was still pretty good when he came back. There's also this Rodriguez guy in New York. I guess one could argue this point with you Steve, but since you've got a mike, well...hmmm.

Top 3: Brenneman is back at it again, telling viewers that the ALCS was, "very very, VERY impressive for the White Sox." I know Thom. I SAW THE FUCKING THING!! Thanks though.

Top 3 (seriously, still top of the 3rd): After Larry Walker takes a base on balls, Brenneman says, "What an at-bat by Larry Walker. A professional at-bat there by Larry Walker." In the professional at-bat by Walker, he looked terrible on two swing through strikes, and watched four balls go by that were not close. I guess he's a professional, and was at-bat. So I guess taht's not a completely erroneous statement.

Seriously, these guys suck.