Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Your favorite players were (are) on the juice too - NL Version



I don't apologize for being a Barry Bonds fan. In fact, I would love to have a debate about his Hall of Fame worthiness, whether or not he "deserves" to be the homerun champ, or even whether or not he deserves all of the ridiculous articles and columns written by self-righteous "journalists" who think they are saving humanity by comparing Bonds with some of the most horrific characters of the 20th AND 21st centuries. Ergo, when The Butler passed along a website dedicated to throwing ball 756 back on the field, simply because Barry Bonds is the anti-Christ, it was the proverbial Tipping Point in my life as a fan.

If you don't like Bonds because he allegedly did steroids* and you don't like the Giants because they have been the Pakistan to Bonds' bin Laden, then you, sir (or ma'am), are a friggin' idiot. Because you are a hypocrite. Your favorite players did steroids, and your favorite teams supported said players. It's time for you to accept this as a fact and stop the hypocritical diatribes about Barry Lamar Bonds.

Game of Shadows and Love Me, Hate Me exposed Bonds as a performance enhancing drug maniac-bastard-jerk-ass face. For San Francisco fans, The Onion's article said it best. Nobody was shocked. But given the tremendous scapegoating that is going on as Bonds approaches Hank Aaron's record, I feel compelled to ask the question about a plethora of baseball "stars." Because, you know, we haven't had the privilege of reading a book titled "Love Me, Hate Me: The Todd Hundley story" or "Game of Shadows: How Bret Boone became a homerun hitter." Remember, Todd Friggin' Hundley once held the record for most homeruns hit by a catcher in a season. Todd. Hundley.

With that in mind, I thought I would have a little fun by combining statistics with reckless steroid insinuations. Do I know if all of the players listed below did steroids? No. I base this list on no factual evidence whatsoever (unless you count Alex Sanchez and Guillermo Mota). In fact, I'm sure many of the players below only think of orange or apple when you say the word "juice" in their presence. But in an era where you can seemingly get HGH from a vending machine, I'm skeptical.

An exhausting 56 minutes were spent digging through 10 years of baseball statistics to compile the totally meaningless list below. Statistical spikes and/or brief periods of curious success (like, say, Adrian Beltre's 49 homer season before he hit free agency) guaranteed a player a spot on this list. Without further ado, here are some of your favorite players:


NL West Division:

San Diego Padres: Phil Nevin, Greg Vaughn, Kevin Brown, Ken Caminniti

Los Angeles Dodgers: Adrian Beltre, Eric Gagne, Mike Piazza, Kevin Brown

Arizona Diamondbacks: Luis Gonzalez, Steve Finley, Randy Johnson (oh yeah, I said it)

Colorado Rockies: Dante Bichette, Todd Helton, Vinny Castilla

San Francisco Giants: Benito Santiago, Barry Bonds, Jason Schmidt

NL Central Division:

Chicago Cubs: Sammy Sosa, Mark Prior, Mark Bellhorn (27 HR version), Kerry Wood

Cincinnati Reds: Scott Williamson, Bret Boone* (monster 1998 season which was likely first year he found the juice), Rob Dibble, Greg Vaughn

Houston Astros: Roger Clemens*, Roger Clemens*, Roger Clemens* (and Richard Hidalgo, circa 2000, Randy Johnson circa 2000 version that went 10-1 with a 1.28 ERA, leading Astros to the playoffs, and Jeff Bagwell)

Milwaukee Brewers: Jeremy Burnitz, Jose Hernandez, Alex Sanchez (ROY version)

St. Louis Cardinals: Mark McGwire (too easy), Albert Pujols (double too easy), Ron Gant, Fernando Tatis, Jim Edmonds, Scott Rolen

Pittsburgh Pirates: Kevin Young, Aramis Ramirez, Brian Giles, Francisco Cordova, Josias Manzanillo

NL East Division:

New York Mets: Apparanly, the entire team, but the New York media likes to overlook that when they are blowing smoke up this team's butt... including Todd Hundley (one-time MLB catcher record 41 homers in a season), Benny Agbayani, Turk Wendel, Josias Manzanillo*, Dennis Cook, Mike Piazza, Ricky Henderson (1999 version, Comeback Player of the Year), Melvin Mora, Mike Hampton

Atlanta Braves: Bret Boone* (WS edition), Marcus Giles, Javy Lopez, John Rocker, Kevin Milwood, Mike Remlinger

Philadelphia Phillies: Pat Burrell, Scott Rolen, Mike Lieberthal, Kent Bottenfield

Washington Nationals (Montreal Expos): Brad Fullmer, Henry Rodriguez, Mike Lansing, Jeff Juden

Florida Marlins: 1997 WS Champions... Kevin Brown, Darren Daulton, Gary Sheffield, Alex Fernandez... 2003 WS Champions... Pudge Rodriguez, Mike Lowell (32 HR version), Todd Hollandsworth, Carl Pavano, Ugeth Urbina

6 comments:

the butler said...

The Three AmiHGHos

My Hero Zero said...

Ken Caminniti was juicing? That makes sense..."the clear" can easily be confused with crack, I hear.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Josh Hamilton's place to smoke some whey.

SonDog said...

According to SI, Josh Hamilton has found God. No word on whether or not he has found sobriety.

Anonymous said...

No way Brett Boone was taking roids when playing with the Braves. His numbers sucked while in ATL. He didn't start juicing until he got to SEA.

FanProphet said...

Somebody finally stood up for Bonds and it's about time somebody told the truth.

I highly suggest people read up on the history of steroids and how long they have been around.

It really doesn't matter if Bonds used them or not. Like you've stated, it doesn't take away from his illustrious career.

Many Americans hate change (unless it benefits us of course) so instead of people enjoying this great accomplishment and embracing the fact that they have the opportunity to witness it, they would rather cry foul.

Excellent post!

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