The Mind of Kings Fans

The following is an email exchange between two die-hard Sacramento Kings fans -- myself (SonDog -- living in Vail) and Aaron (OZ -- living in Sacramento) --

SonDog -- Did you watch last night? Pretty good show, considering it was Utah's Junior Varsity squad.

OZ -- Speaking of JV, the Kings bench would get cut from the frosh team at this point (wow, one sentence and I've already beaten that analogy to death). You know what's sad, Miller looks more like a point guard than Bibby. Flat out. Bibby is not a good point guard. After the first quarter Miller had 4 assists and Mike had 1. Bonzi and Miller look good though. They play up on the post well and both are threats to drive. It seems to be clicking for them.

SonDog -- I agree, the chemistry between Miller and Wells last night was solid. They have a nice two-man game going. Reef still needs to pass a bit more in this offense. I thought KT played well when he was in with the starters, but other than that the bench was putrid. I'm not keen on Jason Hart. He seems ill-suited to run this offense. Skinner has looked helpless. Again, I hate to say this, but this is the best I've seen Peja play since before Webb came back. He just seems to actually care all of a sudden. I agree with your Bibby analysis. What's the feeling around town this morning? Milwaukee is coming in on Friday, and that will be the real test.

At least Bonzi is on the Varsity squad...

OZ -- Injured and hesitant. The pride has fallen very low and a win against Utah's WNBA team doesn't really say much, particularly when Utah made a go of it in the 2nd. I blame Rick Adelman exclusively for his inability to get this TALENTED bench going. And yes, Peja is playing well......it's a contract year after all.

SonDog -- I can't believe how many rumors there are about Peja going to Chicago when he's a free agent. The Bulls have a ton of young talent to trade back, so I don't think that would necessarily be the end of the world. One of these days, Adelman will be fired. I see ownership giving him 15 games to right this ship. We're 8 in, 7 to go.

OZ -- As I aid early in the season, I can stomach a horrid start this year if it means they get a new coach. I don't think Rick is a bad coach, I just don't think he can coach this team effectively any longer.

SonDog -- Did you know Peja is shooting better from 3pt range than he is from 2pt range? He's averaging 7 attempted threes per game. Good lord. As long as he keeps making 45%, I'm fine with that. Also, did you notice Bibby making a concerted effort to get Peja the ball a couple of times last night?

OZ -- I saw Bibby making a concerted effort to not suck and he was only moderately successful. If you look at his game in three parts, last night was not good.

1) Offense. Got his shot going yesterday. Good for him. Doesn't prove a thing.
2) Defense. Wait....what?
3) Point. He did not run the point yesterday, Brad did or it was a pass around. I fear he lacks this ability.

Given the above, Bibbs just might be a one dimensional player, which is OK, but a ball handling 2 guard will always be needed for this team to be successful.

SonDog -- Again, sharp analysis. What have you done with OZ? Where is he? Do I even know you any more?

Bibby is great... I repeat, GREAT, in a high-pick-n-roll offense with a big man who draws a double-team (See: Webber, Chris). The problem is the Kings no longer have a big man who commands a double. Thus, Bibby's lack of quickness kills him as he can't seem to get open from aggressive man on man defense.

Defensively... wait... what?

He's still one of the best mid-range shooters in the game, but he's turning into a bit of a streak shooter, which is scary, and not in a good way.

The bench couldn't beat the Monarchs. I'm not even close to kidding.

OZ -- The fact that the bench could get schooled by "The World Champion Monarchs," as they are known in Sac, should strike Geoff as strange. Hart is a future Kevin Willis journeyman but he is not without skill. Kevin Martin is still young but also not without skill. KT is flat out a scoring threat and if he wasn't so busy pouting about not starting (see Philly last year, this concerns me) he could be getting great numbers off the bench. Skinner is apparently a "game altering presence," which is absurd and could only have come from the mouth of the worst Kings coach in franchise history, but Skinner is a blocking threat and can throw down some offensive boards. Corliss who? Is he still on the team?

Yet, you put it all together and they go 0 for 7 from the floor in over six minutes of play. Are you kidding me?! This does not add up.

SonDog -- Do people actually realize that the Monarchs won the WNBA championship this year? Really, I need to know this. I think ESPN forgot about it because they were too busy talking about the Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb divorce.

One bright spot on the bench is going to be Francisco Garcia. While I'm secretly hoping that he starts dating Paris Hilton so they can form the skinniest celebrity couple in the history of Western Civilization, I don't think he is without skill. If he starts letting the game come to him... If he stops jacking up 3's at every opportunity... If Adelman has trust to actually play him... If he can avoid injury, he will be a good player in this league. For a small forward, he has great court vision. He reminds me a lot of Hedo Turkoglu when he first came to Sac (and wouldn't they love to have him back right about now).

What's scary is the rest of the Pacific Division. Phoenix and Golden State (I can't believe just said that) look very good. But, the Clippers... wait... what? Did you see what they did to a solid Milwaukee squad last night?

OZ -- Two words: Donald. Sterling. The Clippers are doomed to always be failures. They are the Omega to the Lakers Alpha. Look for them to fall like Cassell and Maggette's ability to stay healthy.

Is it true that Baron hasn't missed a game yet? Is that possible? This has got to be some kind of a record for him. Maybe he'll actually make it to double digits in games played consecutively. I wonder if that stat would be shown under him in pre-game warmup like it's an accomplishment. Can you see the banner swing in on the TV screen with the announcer's voice in the background, "And making his TENTH start in row is Baron Davis today. Way to go buddy."

Garcia is still in the air with me. That guy has traces of an old J-Dub's unpredictability in that at any point he could throw up an off-balance, double-teamed fade-away from 10-feet behind the 3-point line, and that's not really desirable (but boy are those a lot of hyphens). But he has potential, it'll just be interesting to see if it unfolds. He might be the type of player that needs to be in the right place and the right situation (see: Jermaine O'Neil trade from Portland to Indy).

SonDog -- Actually, Davis missed a game when you and I were watching the W's play the Jazz in California. Remember that? It was only two weeks ago. Are you high?

I see what you mean about Garcia. He does need to tone down his obsession for the incredible. There's an old saying that goes something like, "Great players make spectacular plays. You're not great, so don't try to make a spectacular play." This fits for Garcia.

Have Kevin Martin and Garcia been excluded from the employee cafeteria or something? Sweet Jesus, it looks like those guys have been stranded in Somalia for four years.

OZ -- Okay, on that note, I have to work now.

SonDog -- Unacceptable.

Weekend Madness

by SonDog, who is still in a horrible mood

After spending 2+ days holding the couch and my bed to the floor due to the Mother of All Food Poisoning Episodes, I'm finally able to be upright and somewhat clever. I'm very thankful that BH was able to post numerous rants on the blog, because the only thing I was able to do well on Friday, Saturday or Sunday was vomit while simultaneously defecating (mental image... DELETED!!!). I assure you, this is no easy feat. Remember the Oops, I Crapped My Pants skit from SNL? "Now, imagine this gallon of iced tea is really a gallon of your fec....." I digress.

Anywho, the weekend gave me ample topics to rant/bitch/ramble about. Heeeeere goes...

1) My heater broke on Saturday. I live in Colorado. There is a blizzard outside as we speak. Spoke to a heating technician today who told me that the heating coil needing to be replaced is, how shall I say, archaic, and no longer in production. Super. To the a-holes who decided that it was about time to stop producing the critical element in said heating unit, even though I surely do not have the only one left in existence... I plan on spending the rest of my life hunting you down like a little, scared bunny rabbit, so I can pounce on you like a, like a bear (yes, I watched Swingers). Currently, the trek from my living room to bathroom has all the excitement of a cross-country hike through Siberia.

2) My satellite has a tendency to go out every time a snow storm comes through. Let me repeat something I said in topic 1: "I live in Colorado." To the DirecTV technician who installed my dish... may you burn in hell.

3) In between trips to the bathroom, I actually watched 10 minutes of this movie: 10 Things I Hate About You. In 10 minutes of viewing, I decided I hate Heath Ledger and I hate Julia Stiles. That's 2 things. Therefore, I'm 8 things short of 10 things I hated about that movie. And I absolutely hate that fact. So, I guess, that's three things I hate about that movie.

4) After losing roughly 131 pounds in nearly 72 hours, El Monterey bean burritos and chimichangas never, ever have tasted, looked or smelled so good. However, they should come with a warning label that advises you to not get anywhere near one when your body is in defcon 2.

5) Due to lack of heat, I took two baths this weekend simply to warm up. Let me tell you something (and I have absolutely no insecurities about my manhood as I say this), a bath is the most underrated activity known to man. The best part of my house very well could be my Jacuzzi tub. I will never own another house that does not have a Jacuzzi tub. I love my Jacuzzi tub.

SonDog this weekend, sans the beer, Santa hat, hairy chest, and cheery disposition

6) You know how "throwback" jerseys are so popular these days? Well, whatever happened to the throwback Gatorade flavors, huh? I tasted every flavor of Gatorade this weekend, and the X-factor flavors leave a lot to be desired. Whatever happened to the original Fruit Punch, Orange, and Lemon Lime? They're harder to find than a Republican who hasn't been indicted by a grand jury.

7) I watched Anchorman for the 23rd time on Saturday. While I didn't watch the movie until it came out on DVD, I have to say that it is one of the most absurd comedies I have ever seen... in my life. It's just science. I love Jacuzzi tub.

8) My Ron Burgundy, "Let me start over again and if you don't like what I'm about to say, just, just throw it right back, right back at me.... I, I want to be on you" moment of the weekend came after I watched a TiVo'd episode of Law and Order: SVU, then later watched a "behind the scenes of a Redbook photo shoot" of Mariska Hargitay on EXTRA! (I cannot even come close to making something like that up). Without a doubt, she is the hottest 41-year-old woman on the planet.

Mariska, you have an amazing heini. I want to be friends with it.

9) Keith Jackson simply must retire from College Football on ABC. I'm not even convinced he's alive anymore. Really, don't you get the feeling there is a guy holding him up with a stick like Weekend at Bernie's? If you stuck Keith Jackson in a booth with Pat Summeral, it would be the equivalent of viewing a joint-open casket at a wake.

10) And finally, speaking of dead things, SNL is no longer funny. I gave it a chance on Saturday night (gotta love the early east-coast feed) because Jason Lee (Mallrats, Dogma, My Name is Earl) hosted the episode. Even with one of the silliest guys around, the writers could not make me laugh once. Lorne Michaels, it's time for you to either a) retire; b) fire all of your writers and hire some with talent; c) fire all of your actors and hire some with talent; or d) find a way to give me that 30 minutes of my life back. I mean, that was quality bath time I wasted.

Erik Kuselias: Mr. ESPN Radio

by BH

Long ago, I made it one of my personal missions in life to make fun of all those in the national media who dabble in hyperbole, yet don't get that what they are saying is an exaggeration. Over the past two seasons, we have heard that the Forty-Niners just don't have the talent to compete in the NFL. It's been sort of an annoyance, yet this morning, Erik Kuselias of The NFL on ESPNRadio , while introducing the Niner/Bears game, said the Niners were, "devoid of talent."

Now, Kuselias is on ESPNRadio, where guys are rewarded for saying stupid, inflammatory crap, but I felt as though his statement needed a little investigation. With a little word replacement, Kuselias said that the Niners are "completely without talent" (I think he actually said "completely devoid of talent," which would have made his statement even more ridiculous, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt). That's an interesting thing when you think about the number of guys in the NFL and those who would like to be in the league. I would wager, and I have no real way to measure this or back it up, that the talent pool in the NFL looks something like 5/85/10. That is, 5% of the players in the NFL are awesome, being legitimately better than the rest of the league. These would be your Ed Reeds and Peyton Mannings and Ladanian Tomlinsons. 85% of the league are good players that aren't really stars. They'll put up numbers, and maybe make a Pro Bowl, but aren't on the same level as the 5% These are guys like Tony Parrish and Trent Dilfer. Then there are the 10%. This number may be a little high, but these are the guys who are kind of lucky to be on a team, but are still good players. They just aren't the 5 or 85%. These are guys like third tight ends and special teamers. They'd probably still be the best players to have gone to your high school. Now, to make things clear, they are all more talented than me on a football field, and they are a hell of a lot more talented than Erik Kuselias. I mean, they're in the NFL.

So let's look at his statement that the Niners are devoid of talent. There's Bryant Young, a twelve-year vet who, going into Sunday, was tied for the league lead in sacks. There's Julian Peterson, who's gone to a couple of Pro Bowls. It was pretty unanimous that Alex Smith was talented when he was chosen by the Niners in the draft. I guess there are some other guys who have done some good stuff, and have, despite Kuselias' assertion, some talent. Undoubtedly the Niners have more of the 10% variety than most teams, but come on Erik, they still play in the NFL. I guess you focused on the fourth-string QB starting for the Niners, or the two converted QB wide receivers on the roster. Those guys are probably of the 10% type, and don't look good when compared to Ray Lewis or Steve Smith or Tom Brady. But don't let your easy seat at the self-proclaimed "worldwide leader" lull you into thinking that you actually have any real ability to judge or evaluate the level of talent possessed by individual players or teams. Use your brain before you start to talk.

The Boy Has Become A Man

by BH

I didn't get to watch much of the piece, so in a perfect world I would probably reserve judgement. However, on Sunday NFL Countdown on ESPN, a preview for an upcoming segment had to do with Jeremy Shockey being less of a party guy than he had been. Something about staying home at night rather than going out to party. They even had an amazed Michael Strahan telling viewers how wierd an occurence he thought it to be the first time he noticed Shockey stay home. Seriously? You guys did a whole piece on this? Wow, I'm so happy for Shockey. Is ESPN so into giving hand jobs to the NFL that they'll spend ten minutes demonstrating how a one-time party guy is beginning to mellow? I'm a little confused. Maybe the show should be renamed, "Stupid Crap That Has Nothing To Do with Football."

FOX Continues To Suck

by BH

For those of you who are fans and haven’t yet heard, FOX pulled the plug on Arrested Development on Friday. Those of us who enjoy clever, thoughtful, funny television are left with a diminishing landscape.

After last season, hacks at FOX decided that the best way to get the Emmy nominated and award winning Arrested the viewer support it needed was to put it up against Monday Night Football. This, as any fourth grader will tell you, was not a good idea, and ultimately proved so. On Monday, Arrested returned to its Monday spot after taking almost a month off for the baseball postseason, airing two, back-to-back half-hour episodes. The episodes averaged 4 million viewers, which put FOX in fifth place in the 8 p.m. hour. What the hell did FOX expect to happen? They change the show’s usual broadcast night, and put the show on break for a length of time, in essence forcing casual viewers, and to some extent, die-hards, to change habits.

What brilliant programming can we expect from FOX that may replace Arrested? Over the past two years the list of shows cancelled by FOX includes, among others: The Inside, Johnny Zero, Life on a Stick, Method & Red, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, North Shore, Point Pleasant, Tru Calling, The Mountain, Still Life, The Jury, Cracking Up, Wonderfalls, Love Again, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Wanda At Large, Skin, and Luis. Some of these are good, some not so good. The point here is that FOX has, more than any other network, put out a lot of shit over the course of its existence, and would rather take a chance continuing to be the network that broadcasts shit instead of maybe broadcasting something smart. In Arrested Development the network had found an intelligent, funny show, which garnered numerous awards and a respectable audience. What FOX may be telling us at this point is that they’d rather appeal to the lowest common denominator with shows such as The Simple Life and Nanny 911. Screw FOX. Let’s hope Arrested is picked up by another network.

Stuff I was thinking about

by BH

Ah the pleasure derived from debate surrounding postseason awards. Today, Chris Carpenter was awarded the NL Cy Young award over second place Dontrelle Willis and third place Roger Clemens. Now, I have no problem with Carpenter edging out Willis, but the gap in points between Carpenter and Willis, and Clemens is mind-boggling. While most people, and certainly voters, undoubtedly looked at Clemens’ number of wins versus those of Carpenter and Willis, his ERA was a ridiculously low 1.87. That is almost a run per nine innings better than Carpenter (2.83) and Willis (2.63). Clemens allowed a .189 batting average against, compared to .231 for Carpenter and .243 for Willis. And it’s not as though voters weren’t aware of the Astros inability to score runs this season when Clemens was on the mound. I heard a stat in which the Astros were shut out like seven times in Clemens starts. I understand the reasoning behind Willis and Carpenter receiving so much support, for the number of wins a starter receives is important. ERA seems like a far more reasonable means by which to compare pitchers though. I’m having a hard time understanding the reasoning employed by those who had Clemens down the list.

Brian Dawkins has got to be the dirtiest player in the NFL. Every time I watch an Eagles game, which lately seems to be every weekend, he seems to be the guy giving a little extra shot to a guy at the end of a play. It’s like every other play, Dawkins comes in just after the tackle has been made, and does just enough to get a player in the back or helmet with his knee or something like that. I honestly can’t stand to watch the guy play.

While we’re on the subject of asshole Eagles players, ESPNnews spent roughly 46% of its ½ hour broadcast the other night on Terrell Owens, his apology, and other T.O. related garbage. Yay ESPN! Hooray for your undeniable ability to beat a story, or non-story into the ground. He’s an idiot that says stupid stuff. A lot. It’s seriously become like if you were to spend all day making fun of Kevin Federline or Vanilla Ice. It’s no longer clever, funny, or provocative. And good job breaking the story about Sheryl Swoopes being gay. I thought it was "ESPNnews," having to do with sports, not "ESPNstuffthatdoesn'tmatterwhenwatchinghighlights."

That Silly Mamba

by SonDog, who lives in Eagle County, Colorado

From my friend, Kari, in Sacramento:

Great…he’s continuing to pro-create. According to Page 6:

Controversial basketball star Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa are expecting their second child in May. The couple already have 3-year-old daughter Natalia. A spokesperson for the couple says, "In addition to their excitement, Kobe and Vanessa have been sharing a lot of laughs because, after hitting game winning shots for the Los Angeles Lakers, Kobe has been making late night food runs for his wife's pregnancy cravings only to get home with the food and find out that her craving has changed."

Bryant was last year cleared of raping a 19-year-old hotel worker in Colorado. He claimed the sex was consensual.

------------------------

According to other outlets, Brant "claimed" that the sex with his wife was consensual as well. I would be happy for Bryant if not for his utter lack of believability.

And, while I'm on the subject, why does he feel the need to wear a leotard this year under his uniform? Has anybody else noticed this? It's INSANE!! The "Mamba" moniker still hasn't quite gained traction, but the hilarity sure has. To paraphrase Bill Simmons from ESPN.com, "The absolute absurdity of a man once charged in Colorado with sexual assault wanting people to refer to him as a 13-ft, deadly serpent is why I still enjoy writing this column." I couldn't agree more.

Ballerina Bryant in his black tights

Links of the Day

It is common knowledge that the best basketball movie ever made was none other than... (insert drumroll here)... Teen Wolf. What? You thought I was going to say Hoosiers? In this link, one man (who has waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on his hands) provides a scouting report on the legendary Teen Wolf Beavers.

Next time I hear Enrique Iglesias sing "I can be your hero," I'm going to bust out in hysterics.

Early Returns

by SonDog, who couldn't jump over a credit card:

Some incredibly early observations from the young NBA season:

1) San Antonio is going to win the whole thing. It's over. Don't even bother watching anymore. That being said, can there be a MORE boring team in the NBA? No, wait. Can there be a MORE boring superstar than Tim Duncan? Good Lord. These guys make an AA support meeting seem like a fraternity party in comparison. Duncan makes a James Lipton interview look like an interview with Richard Simmons. And, with that, I'm officially out of analogies.

Tim Duncan, in his most recent interview

2) Remember the Jeopardy skit on Saturday Night Live where Sean Connery gets to select an answer from Alex Trabek, and the category is "Therapists?" If I were to guard Kobe Bryant in a game, I would say to him, in my best Sean Connery voice, exactly what Sean said during that skit: "I'll take 'The Rapists' for $500, Alex." Seriously, if you want to know all you will ever want to know about Kobe Bryant, read this month's article in ESPN The Magazine (or Bill Simmons' NBA preview on ESPN.com) regarding Kobe and Phil Jackson and the Lakers. Kobe wants people to start calling him The Mamba. Do yourself a favor and read it. While I'm on the subject, if you Google "Mamba," result #2, Mambaonline, claims to be "South Africa's most stylish gay lifestyle portal." I can't make this stuff up. Coincidence?

3) Teams that need time to come together, but will be tough to beat come March:
a) Miami Heat -- The Shaq injury hurts their progress (not to mention KILLS my fantasy team).

b) Sacramento Kings -- Okay, so I didn't get a chance to do my preview on them before the season started. My bad. At any rate, once the bench learns how to play together, and once they learn to play a little defense, and once they learn to get the ball in Brad Miller's hands on every possession, they'll be fine. Granted, that's a lot to ask of this team, especially the "defense" department.

c) Milwaukee Bucks -- My pick for the team that NOBODY will want to play in the playoffs. The addition of Jamal Magloire two weeks ago solidifies their frontline and puts them as the early favorite for the 4-seed in the East. I'm going to admit this right now (and these are words I never thought I would say in a sentence): I'm on the Milwaukee Bucks bandwagon.

4) Best Nightly Highlight Reel Team: New Jersey Nets. Okay, the jumping abilities of Vince Carter and Richard Jefferson are just ridiculous to begin with, but then you add Jason Kidd throwing perfect alley-oops from all over the court? Seriously, I want to see Kidd throw one from an opposite-court inbound pass this year. No, really, I do. These guys make three or four plays on a nightly basis that require immediate 8-second rewind on TiVo.

Nightly, on SportsCenter, you can find this man...

5) Larry Brown will have Stephon Marbury traded by Christmas. Write it down. Place a bet on it. I'm telling you, this is not even a question.

6) The Eastern Conference is quickly catching up with the Western Conference in terms of talented teams. The way I see it, the East has three legitimate title contenders in Detroit, Indiana, and Miami. They also have three teams that are one piece away from making the leap into upper-echelon status in Milwaukee, New Jersey, and Washington.

7) I can't believe I just said that.

8) Out West, I really only see one title contender right now, and that's San Antonio. Granted, my eyesight isn't the best, and I don't think I'm a basketball expert. So, let me rephrase: Out West, San Antonio is the only team I would bet money on right now if I were in Vegas. Dallas, Houston, and Denver all have potential, but all have glaring weaknesses at this point.

The Deer Hunter

My gun and I, having a moment with one another

Good Times in Cali

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I have no idea who "they" are, but this picture tells about three thousand words. Nonetheless, I'm happy "they" came up with that saying, because I couldn't have said it better myself.

Deer HuntED

by SonDog

"You called down the thunder and now you got it!! Now run, you kur!!! You tell them the law is coming!! You tell them that I'm coming!! AND HELL IS COMING WITH ME, YOU HEAR!?!? HELL'S COMING WITH ME!!!!!"

Indeed, the black-tail deer population of the eastern foothills of Northern California had to be quaking with fear. This, after all, is my one time out of the year where I can feel the awesome power of a 30.06 rifle between my otherwise weaponless businessman hands. It's the one time where I can see a defenseless and altogether helpless animal through the crosshairs of my powerful scope, and tell him to say his prayers before picking it off with a twitch of my finger. If that sounds gruesome and wholly unnecessary, well, in truth, it is. But, that should take nothing away from how fun it is to participate in this annual, family festival.

You see, for one weekend, I (Bob III) can mosey around the cabin and wander the vast expanse of our ranch with my dad (Bob Jr.) and grandpa (you guessed it, Bob Sr.). Additional family members and close friends participate, but it is the weekend of bonding with my dad and grandpa that I look forward to most. The actual "hunting" is truly just a small part of the enjoyment. Sure, I love to hike around trying in vain to provide feed for my family, but it is the conversations, mentoring and debates with my dad and grandpa that make the trip great.

Bob, Bob, and Bob

That being said, Friday morning began in usual fashion. My dad and I decided to do our typical quarter-section hunt as it has always been the most rewarding. Being the young buck (no pun intended), I drew the longest, most difficult part of the hike. You see, SonDog actually has a different meaning for my family. It means that I get to scour the bottom of the canyon, plowing my way through miles of juniper and manzaneta thickets in order to kick out as many deer as possible. Basically, you play the role of a dog. You're probably not going to shoot anything (let alone SEE anything) but at least you can kick the trophy bucks up to someone else in your hunting platoon. Sounds fun, huh? Some day, my son will play the same role. Until that time, I am Son the Dog, born to disturb peaceful insect and wildlife habitats.

About an hour into our hunt, my sense of invincibility and empowerment vanished. The hackles on my neck stood up straight. My courage took the fetal position faster than anything imaginable. After breaking through what felt like a two-mile jungle of juniper brush, I stumbled upon a vast connection of natural lava caves and rain-sheltered dens. It was at this time that I was overcome with the frightening feeling that I was being watched. Sure, my rifle was loaded and my buck knife was drawn (insert mental-picture here), but I've learned in my time that it is awfully hard to shoot what you can't see. It appeared obvious to every sense in my body (other than my eyes) that no longer was I the hunter. Rather, I was now the prey.

Class exercise: Take a common, household table in your hands. Pretend the table is SonDog's invincibility. Now, as quick as you can, turn that table around. See how quickly invincibility becomes ytilibicnivni (Latin for "paralyzed with fear")?

Before expanding on what exactly caused my sudden change in mood, I feel I should provide some background. For years, as legend has it, a giant black bear (who I will henceforth refer to as, Dr. Death), has roamed the mountains of eastern Tehama County. It's worth noting that the black bear population of the eastern foothills is exactly, one (as in... 1). Nevertheless, Dr. Death has terrorized a plethora of hunting camps, cattle ranches and oak trees in his day.

So why was I overcome with fear on this peaceful morning? Well, as I burst through the thicket, I stumbled upon/into/in the middle of... Dr. Death's home. The funny thing about a bear's den is that they refuse to clean up after themselves, and they don't think they need to use an out-house.

My first indication that I was in unfriendly territory was the 47 piles of bear crap that I nearly fell into. Obviously, I was in a bad spot. In fact, after quickly adding a bit of my own to the bear's excrement pile, I looked for an exit. While my curiosity was getting the better of me, I knew that I needed to escape. He was around, and he was watching me, I could feel it. For what seemed like an eternity, I hiked out of his home with my head on a swivel. I must have looked like the little girl in The Exorcist as I huffed it out of the den. I don't know how long he watched me, but I knew he was there.

None of those red piles are from me, rather, it's the mark of Dr. Death

This story dominated the porch discussions for the remainder of the weekend. I found Dr. Death's home, and I lived to tell about it. And while I came home from the trip empty-handed (fired a couple of shots, missed badly), I have a story that will last a lifetime.

The beautiful thing about hunting trips is that as years go by, the stories grow. You hear the same stories every year, only they get bigger and better annually. Someday when I'm telling my son and grandson about Dr. Death, his home may be the size of three football fields. Maybe I will remember outrunning him through the canyon. Doesn’t really matter. For now, I just can't wait for next year.