Monday, November 14, 2005

Weekend Madness

by SonDog, who is still in a horrible mood

After spending 2+ days holding the couch and my bed to the floor due to the Mother of All Food Poisoning Episodes, I'm finally able to be upright and somewhat clever. I'm very thankful that BH was able to post numerous rants on the blog, because the only thing I was able to do well on Friday, Saturday or Sunday was vomit while simultaneously defecating (mental image... DELETED!!!). I assure you, this is no easy feat. Remember the Oops, I Crapped My Pants skit from SNL? "Now, imagine this gallon of iced tea is really a gallon of your fec....." I digress.

Anywho, the weekend gave me ample topics to rant/bitch/ramble about. Heeeeere goes...

1) My heater broke on Saturday. I live in Colorado. There is a blizzard outside as we speak. Spoke to a heating technician today who told me that the heating coil needing to be replaced is, how shall I say, archaic, and no longer in production. Super. To the a-holes who decided that it was about time to stop producing the critical element in said heating unit, even though I surely do not have the only one left in existence... I plan on spending the rest of my life hunting you down like a little, scared bunny rabbit, so I can pounce on you like a, like a bear (yes, I watched Swingers). Currently, the trek from my living room to bathroom has all the excitement of a cross-country hike through Siberia.

2) My satellite has a tendency to go out every time a snow storm comes through. Let me repeat something I said in topic 1: "I live in Colorado." To the DirecTV technician who installed my dish... may you burn in hell.

3) In between trips to the bathroom, I actually watched 10 minutes of this movie: 10 Things I Hate About You. In 10 minutes of viewing, I decided I hate Heath Ledger and I hate Julia Stiles. That's 2 things. Therefore, I'm 8 things short of 10 things I hated about that movie. And I absolutely hate that fact. So, I guess, that's three things I hate about that movie.

4) After losing roughly 131 pounds in nearly 72 hours, El Monterey bean burritos and chimichangas never, ever have tasted, looked or smelled so good. However, they should come with a warning label that advises you to not get anywhere near one when your body is in defcon 2.

5) Due to lack of heat, I took two baths this weekend simply to warm up. Let me tell you something (and I have absolutely no insecurities about my manhood as I say this), a bath is the most underrated activity known to man. The best part of my house very well could be my Jacuzzi tub. I will never own another house that does not have a Jacuzzi tub. I love my Jacuzzi tub.

SonDog this weekend, sans the beer, Santa hat, hairy chest, and cheery disposition

6) You know how "throwback" jerseys are so popular these days? Well, whatever happened to the throwback Gatorade flavors, huh? I tasted every flavor of Gatorade this weekend, and the X-factor flavors leave a lot to be desired. Whatever happened to the original Fruit Punch, Orange, and Lemon Lime? They're harder to find than a Republican who hasn't been indicted by a grand jury.

7) I watched Anchorman for the 23rd time on Saturday. While I didn't watch the movie until it came out on DVD, I have to say that it is one of the most absurd comedies I have ever seen... in my life. It's just science. I love Jacuzzi tub.

8) My Ron Burgundy, "Let me start over again and if you don't like what I'm about to say, just, just throw it right back, right back at me.... I, I want to be on you" moment of the weekend came after I watched a TiVo'd episode of Law and Order: SVU, then later watched a "behind the scenes of a Redbook photo shoot" of Mariska Hargitay on EXTRA! (I cannot even come close to making something like that up). Without a doubt, she is the hottest 41-year-old woman on the planet.

Mariska, you have an amazing heini. I want to be friends with it.

9) Keith Jackson simply must retire from College Football on ABC. I'm not even convinced he's alive anymore. Really, don't you get the feeling there is a guy holding him up with a stick like Weekend at Bernie's? If you stuck Keith Jackson in a booth with Pat Summeral, it would be the equivalent of viewing a joint-open casket at a wake.

10) And finally, speaking of dead things, SNL is no longer funny. I gave it a chance on Saturday night (gotta love the early east-coast feed) because Jason Lee (Mallrats, Dogma, My Name is Earl) hosted the episode. Even with one of the silliest guys around, the writers could not make me laugh once. Lorne Michaels, it's time for you to either a) retire; b) fire all of your writers and hire some with talent; c) fire all of your actors and hire some with talent; or d) find a way to give me that 30 minutes of my life back. I mean, that was quality bath time I wasted.


bh said...

Seriously dude, it's Keith Jackson. And some Republican idictments are different than others. You can't compare my public urination to Tom Delay's trouble. I hope you're feeling better.

SonDog said...

Noted, and change made. I blame dehydration. I hope you didn't have to go in front of a grand jury for your public urination charge. That would suck.

Anonymous said...

Ok, Julia Stiles is possibly the worst actress ever...but 10 Things is such a great film. Clearly you missed that it's actually an early 2000 version of Taming of the Shrew.

Anonymous said...

How could someone pick that up in ten minutes of viewing, and holy crap is that giving the lame writers of a cheesy teeny movie too much credit.