Baseball for Dummies

posted by BH

I don't know why, but Fox is clearly not interested in appealing to baseball fans when televising a game. They've decided that they are interested in attracting the little leaguer who's just learning about the game, and the little leaguer's 43 year-old dumbass SUV-mom. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT DAVID ECKSTEIN'S NICKNAME!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT KENNY ROGERS' FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW, AND I GET THAT HE HAS THE SAME NAME AS THE SINGER!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! When the hell did a Fox baseball broadcast turn in to Sports Illustrated for Kids? Do I really need a super slow motion shot of every single Rogers reaction to anything? Is Rogers the only guy playing for the Tigers as the game wears on, because that's all the Fox cameras were interested in showing. We know. He's pitching well. Do I really want to hear Tony LaRussa give non-answer after non-answer in the dugout between innings? What the hell do you think he wants to talk about, Joe Buck?! Pine tar on Rogers' hand?! Do I really need to be reminded 5, 438 times each game that Fox is involved in the broadcast and has lots of fun shows on after the series? Yeah, I get it. Prison Break is going to be back on soon. Woo! Thanks for showing me the obligatory star-in-the-stands shot. Oh...you say you've got the marine from "Fox's American Idol" singing "God Bless America," mister PA announcer? Really, each between-innings toilet flush is courtesy of Rupert Murdoch? Damn. Did Jesus come come to Earth, fill the body of Craig Monroe, and hit a home run in the first inning? You'd think so the way the camera's followed his every move throughout the rest of the inning. Hey Craig! You got pretty excited about that first inning, solo shot. Way to act like the game wasn't over yet. And the way you walked around the dugout acting as though you'd figured out Jeff Weaver was awesome. It was even more awesome when you struck out in your next at-bat. The douchebags calling the game were (cough) great, though it seems as though Tim McCarver has tuned down his act this year. Still, the duo of McCarver and Buck, with the fun inclusion of Ken Rosenthal, gives viewers some fun analysis.

Following a five pitch walk and a hit batter by Cards pitcher Josh Kinney, McCarver says,
Kinney is all over the place tonight.
Thanks. Way to pay attention.

After Ivan Rodriguez has grounded into a double play, McCarver says,
As a catcher, you don't mind that when you're catching a one-hitter.

Rosenthal broke into coverage in the 7th or 8th to tell viewers about Rogers' taking infield before the game, long before the rest of his teammates were on the field. Good job, Ken. That's what players do to get better. You are now the Jimmy Roberts of Fox baseball coverage, providing meaningless "insight." All you need now is a set with a fireplace and the soundtrack to "Chariots of Fire." I get it. Rogers is God and his penis shoots out angels. Grrrrrrrrr.