Start the Campaign

Sept 6, 2008 is "Who Gives a Shit Saturday" in college football.

Today is "Gut Check Saturday," according to ESPN, ESPN News, ESPN Radio and ABC. When did this start happening? You know, the naming each weekend in college football thing? Last weekend it was "Trap Door Saturday." ??? I remember "Rivalry Weekend" being pretty much it until a few years ago. Now, it seems every weekend has a name. Come on. Seriously. Can't we just know that Oklahoma and Texas are going to play? LSU and Florida isn't appealing? Why the name? Gut Check? Can't the games be enough without the douchewads at the Worldwide Leader calling a brainstorming session to discuss what to name each weekend?

Douche 1: "How about 'Acid Reflux Saturday?' You know, since it's so stressful."

Head Douche: writing on the butcher paper draped over the easel
"...cid reflux...L-U-X...okay, but that seems a little technical for the Corso crowd."

Douche 2: "Yeah, we need something that says 'I'm going to deep fry some crawdads in the back of the truck, then tell the Gators to go to hell all day. Like 'Gut-Bomb' or 'Hip Check."

Douche 1: "I got it"
Miming an imaginary banner over his head
"Gut Check Saturday. You feel me?"

So September 6th of '08 needs to be,

BH: Miming an imaginary banner over his head
"Who Gives a Shit Saturday."

You know, when the games consist of out-of-conference teams facing each other. Virginia Tech against Ohio. Stanford vs. San Jose St. Baylor and Texas St. Those games in which only alumni really care. When the casual college fan doesn't...give...a...shit?

Ah, bugger!

Did you know the Yankees lost last night becasue of bugs? You probably haven't heard about it yet. And the really wierd part is that it was only the Yanks who were affected. Crazy. My favorite quote in an ESPN.com story is,

With bugs sticking to his muscular, sweaty neck, Chamberlain threw a wild pitch in the eighth that gave Cleveland the tying run. Three innings later, the Indians won it.

Muscular, sweaty neck? You sir, just won the 'Gayest Thing Written' award. And who thinks any part of Joba Chamberlain is muscular? He looks like a tub of, well, not muscles. At least he's sporting a sane outlook on the whole thing.

They were in front of my face, but I wasn't the only one who had to deal with it. They didn't show up just for me. You can look at it a million ways, but when you come down to it, we were in the loss column. And it's because I didn't do my job.

I thouroughly enjoyed watching the Yankees make a production of the whole thing. Jeter waving his hat in front of his face was delightful. 'The Captain' would have been smart to avoid adding fuel to the clearly rattled Chamberlain's fire, but instead acted like a ten year-old on a camping trip.

Thankfully, it's not really the Yankees who are making excuses. It's really been media types. Yes, it was bad. For both teams. Fausto Carmona threw nine innings of three hit ball, the last two innings being just as buggy as they were for New York. Not really mentioned in most articles though.

Chip Caray is a gold mine!

I mean, he totally sucks, but God it's good listening if you like to blog about stupidity and overall crapiness. Caray really likes to dramatize things. He's like the annoying girlfriend who likes to stir things up even though she's really stupid and hasn't got a clue about anything but is sure she does of play-by-play guys. Last night, he wondered out loud if the Yankees had made a mistake by not having Jeter lay down a sac bunt. The Indians won 12-3. Tonight he reminded viewers that if Jorge Posada had handled a Reviera strikeout of Grady Sizemore, the Yanks would have been out of the inning. Not really though. That would have been the second out, and the rest is theoretical. And the Yankees escaped the inning. I think it's a technique hackish play-by-play guys employ so they can sound smarter later. Like some way to cover your bases. A whole outlook of 20-20 hindsight. If you raise the idea of whether a manager has made the right move or not, you get the kudos when the moves blows up. I wonder if Caray does that at home.

"Honey? One wonders if you shouldn't have fed the dog Pedigree, when there's a can of Iams in the pantry."

If the dog yarfs up the Pedigree, Caray looks brilliant. If not, no one's really going to remember since he says a lot of stupid shit anyway.

And Now, to Denver...

...and the worst baseball experience in the game.

After the Rocks twice whapped the Phillies in Philly, the series is headed to Coors. I was last there on September 5th. The Rockies were already in the midst of a pennant race and my Giants were in town. An hour before game time, my brother and I bought seats 10 rows up on the first base line. Sweet. The stadium, despite the race and baseball's home run king being in town, was 43% full. Bonds yoked a 1st inning bomb, and the Giants won 5-3. No one gave me shit about my SF hat. No one told me to sit down when I stood for every Bonds at-bat.

I've been going to games at Candlestick and Pac-Bell my whole life. The Candlestick crowd knew baseball. Like, really knew baseball. Pac-Bell fans, not as much. They are still knowledgeable, but no one could represent like fans in the days of the 'Stick. The ballpark was there to be a ballpark. I went to a night game in '97 against the Giants and Dodgers. San Fran was down 2 games and needed to sweep the series with LA to tie. Through the entire game, every single pitched drew a reaction from the crowd. No one sat. There was nothing like loud Candlestick. I went to game 4 of the 2002 NLCS between St. Louis and the Giants at Pac-Bell. It was dead compared to that '97 game. Oh, fans cheered but, it lacked the same passion. Pac Bell is more about the amusement park, as are most of the new fields in baseball. You get more people at games who know little about the game. Us veterans are the educators. Coors fans make Pac-Bell fans look like a collective group of baseball Einsteins. I've never seen so much random standing during play. Not like 'Matt Holiday is stud and I'm cheering' standing. Regular, 'I feel like standing even though fans behind me can't see' standing. Some fans stood the whole game. Peolpe were up and down during the inning, off to find food or take dumps or see how fast they could throw a ball. It sucked. I ordered a foot-long dog, and the fucking bun fell apart. By the time I was halfway done, I was holding a link in my hand and eating the bun, onions, relish and mustard with a fork. Clueless all the way around. And now that the Rocks are into the postseason, it's getting worse.

Yay! We started liking the Rockies last week!!

The bandwagon is overflowing, but accepting more riders. Denver was oblivious until the end of September. An LA series the Rockies swept from the 18th through the 20 - their next-to-last home series of the year - failed to draw 30,000 for any game. What a joke. I'm sorry, true Rockies fans out there. You are being innundated with goo that's taken the shape of people. I guess the good news is, playoff baseball will earn the otherwise clueless a little more baseball knowledge. Hopefully. Maybe fans in Denver will start asking for a decent dog.

Stuff I now know about baseball, thanks to TBS

Kenny Lofton still plays? For Cleveland?!

Postseason baseball is not for baseball fans. Well, kind of it is, but not. Color guys talk like they're teaching a third grade class. Play-by-play guys talk like they are intuitive. It's mute time. Wait...there are graphics? Oh God, there are graphics!! The leadoff stripe? Huh? Huh?! 9 feet? My coaches never told me about 9 feet.

I can win 2008 World Series tickets by being the sexiest fan in baseball. Sweet. Easy. I wonder what kind of sexy picture I can put together. Maybe I'll squeeze a ball between my cheeks. Yeah. Can someone find me a Speedo with baseball stitches?

There is a "typical Yankee at-bat," I guess. I mean, according to Chip Caray. It consists of seeing a lot of pitches. I don't know if there's a typical Indian at-bat, since Caray didn't mention it, but I know Chien-Ming Wang threw almost as many pitches as CC Sabathia in 1/3 fewer innings. Maybe his voice was tired from calling Cleveland home runs.

Bob Brenley says A-Rod put up "video game numbers." Pssh. I don't know about that. .314, 54, 156, .422, .645? I once had myself hit 145 bombs with a .435 batting average in MLB '05. Eat that!

Ron Darling doesn't actually watch the game he's calling.

Some guy named "The Captain" plays for New York? Is that his first name? Who are they talking about?

Derek Jeter has dirty balls, and Caray wants to wash them on the air.

'Frank TV' will "literally change the face of television." Okay. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but it will be literal.

Shelley Duncan's body has four motors, each of which is connected to an appendage and moves at a different rate from the others. He runs like Goofy. Only wierder.

Jorge Posada was the steak to A-Rod's sizzle, or at least Caray says so. Cool. Cool. He was the real meat of the Yankees. I get it. Chip says Jorge's one of the Yankees most clutch hitters. Oooohhh. Except he just struck out with the bases loaded after being ahead 3-0, with less than two outs.

Caray says the Indians had a "coming out party tonight." Awesome. I watch Indians baseball for 162 games, and only now find out there all gay? Those bastards.

Chevy's motto is 110%. Right on, but why stop there? As long as your trying extra hard, why don't you try extra, extra hard? If I'm going to pay $35,000 for a car, I want one made by a bunch of people giving 111%, at least.

So here's what I know

The Niners' offense sucks butt. I was at my first game since 1991, ready for an Alex Smith aerial (cough) show, when he left after the game's third play. In comes the NFL's premier game manager, Trent Dilfer. "This isn't so bad," I thought. "Maybe this is what the team needs to get the offense really running well." Turns out Dilfer lead the Niners to the worst performance of the Mike Nolan era. They looked unorganized and confused, as though Dennis Erickson were still patrolling the sideline. The offensive line, a huge, if not the main, strength last season, was terrible. It was so bad, Niner fans started bragging to Hawk fans about their five Super Bowl rings in the middle of the third quarter. Guh. The nice thing was Patrick Willis and the defense. They were on the field so often that we were able to watch the best young linebacker in football do his thing, along with Nate Clements. Defense is not the problem. It's calling out-route after out-route when Dilfer can't get the ball there on time. Frank Gore is not the problem. Anyone at the game, Niner or Hawk fan, could tell why Gore is the best running back in the NFC. He is playing behind a shitty o-line, but finishes every play. Shaun Alexander prances out of bounds, while Gore knocks the crap out of defenders. The offensive play calling and blocking schemes are the real problems. Oh God! Where is Norv Turner?! Oh, right. Woops.

Despite the hyperbolic, 'THIS IS THE GREATEST COLLAPSE EVER!!' from national media wonks, the Mets' fall from 7 up with 17 to play is totally enjoyable. Even more exciting is that the anti-Mets, your Colorado Rockies are still alive. What? They still play in Denver? I thought baseball only existed in the east. There's an NL West now? Two NL West teams are going to be in? What?!

Aaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha! Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha!!

So, the Amazins are out, which means Jose Reyes is out. A-fucking-men. Thank God we are saved from the uber-hyper Reyes' antics throughout the postseason. The high-stepping, the fist-pumps, the pointing at the sky after every, single, anything...

I get it. You play in New York where they think it's charming to be obnoxious and flamboyant. Unless you lose. Don't you feel silly now for all the things you do that show up other players? Hopefully. That would be awesome. Thankfully we don't have to watch the cutaways of rehearsed handshakes from Pedro and some flavor-of-the-month. Thankfully, we get to watch a group of guys who play ball like it was meant to be played, like gentlemen. Either the Rocks or the Pads. See, out here we, fans and players - aside from one huge guy in SF, and one blue team in LA - recognize that the game is bigger than we are. We're embarassed when one of our pitchers does something silly after a save or a strikeout which, aside from sucking, is why we didn't really like Armando. We don't go for the fist-pumps. We go for handshakes.

Oh, and LSU jumping USC in the AP poll is a joke. Never has it been so evident that voters are boobs, mostly looking at scores rather than content. Les Miles, alluding to voters' dumbassity, said, "They kind of slept in and got kind of caught up on the score later in the day." Nope, Washington isn't ranked, and USC was supposed to blow out the Huskies in Seattle. But UW beat Boise State and hung tough with Ohio State, before losing to UCLA. They are a good team. LSU sleepwalked through the first half of the Tulane game, even though the final score looked good. LSU didn't do anything that warranted taking the number one spot, especially against a team who's only win came against SE Louisianna St., and who's schedule includes blowout losses to Houston and Mississippi St. At least the Coaches Poll still has USC #1, by quite a bit actually. At least Cal is up to #3.

Meesta Ecko

I'm struggling to find the energy. Marc Ecko, the douche who bought Barry Bonds' 756th home run ball for $752,467, is going to put an asterisk on the ball before sending it to Cooperstown. "This is obviously something that struck a chord with fans," Ecko said. How many fans? Who knows, but 34% felt like the ball should go to the Hall without a mark, and 47% voted pro-ASSterisk. 19% said the ball should just go away. What I love about this whole idea is that I didn't know about it ahead of time. How many people did? I didn't vote. How many others who aren't retarded didn't know and therefore didn't vote? How many of us who realize that anything any player has ever done to prolong a career changes the measurement? Knee surgery? Asterisk. Better weight-lifting techniques? Asterisk. Creatine? Asterisk. Closer fences? Asterisk. Watered-down quality of players due to expansion? Asterisk.

Fuckface

So a collection of short-sided shitwads, the demographics of which we know little, have decided they know enough to pass ultimate judgement on a piece of history. They, including Ecko, fail to recognize that they are not important enough to decide it right now. They never will be. Legacies have to be determined over time by those who can remove themselves from an emotional reaction and the inluence of biases. We all know if Bonds played in New York, the ball would have sold for 14 billion dollars and there would have been a parade in Manhattan. But he doesn't play in New York, or Boston, or Philadelphia, where the fate of the ball, and Bonds' image could have been spared.

This is our problem, right Mr. Ecko? This belongs to those of us who rose to our feet each time Bonds stepped into the box. This is mine because I cheered when he hit a ball off Chuck Finley over my head and into the bay during game 4 of the 2002 NLCS. Shame on me for cheering for a cheater, right? Shame on me for wanting entertainment. It's easy when it's not your guy, I know. It's not just Bonds your fucking with. It's me. Like it or not, we put our hearts into our teams. It's silly, but we do. You're not putting an asterisk just on the Bonds ball. You're putting an asterisk on the buzz that went through the ballpark when Bonds came up with two on and the Giants down by two. You're putting an asterisk on an entire group of people, not one guy's accomplishment. It's easy, I know, to make a judgement from far away. When it's not your guy on your team, it's easy. You don't even have to think about it. There are good guys and there are bad guys. This is our bad guy, huh? You might profess an objective attitude, but it's not real. That you'd even conduct a vote shows it. You knew you wouldn't get a representative view. And you didn't. And you've got what you wanted. And the 34% of voters who recognize that the accomplishment is bigger than you, and us, are screwed.

You've watched from afar as Bonds has had the shit beat out of him by the media and you've never questioned it. You, like many others, forget to really examine the whole Bonds idea. It's easier that way. Bonds is bad. People tell us he is. The media rams it down our throat. But where are the questions, Mr. Ecko? Why don't you ask where the good guy stories are? Todd Benzinger wrote a letter to the editor to SI in 1993 in which he describes Bonds rolling and playing on the floor with Benzinger's two year-old daughter. That's not the Bonds you know? The point is, there is always more to the story than black and white, good or bad. We know the bad guy tales. He's a cheater, and a cheater, and a dick, and a bad teammate. But he's a nice guy, and a good dad, and a good teammate. If it's your guy, Mr. Ecko, are you going to simply take the easy road, suspending intellectual honesty? No, you won't. You're going to do what we all did with Mark McGwire. Or Roger Clemens. It's hard to ask questions, but if you're going to permanently, arbitrarily, decide history, don't you owe it to all of us, even the sheep, to ask the real questions? Don't you owe it to everyone in the baseball world to recognize that you are not big enough to pass final judgement?

Worst. Call. Ever?

Niners ball on the Steelers' 32. 3rd and 13 in the 3rd quarter. Alex Smith hits Vernon Davis at the 10, seemingly giving the Niners a first and goal. But the ball pops free from Davis's grip as he hits the ground and the play is ruled a fumble. Mike Nolan correctly challenges the play, since replays clearly showed that Davis makes the catch, with the ball jarring free after his elbow has hit the ground. Easy. Simple. Fucked up by referee Jerry Austin, who in some weird exhibition of bullshit and double-talk ruled that because Davis had only gotten one toe on his second foot down, it was not a catch.

Austin's was a horrible call, primarily because of the simple fact that Davis maintained posession all the way to the ground. If nothing else, his elbow constituted that second foot. And he raises a new dilemma that is certain to plague the NFL throughout the rest of history: to which part of the body is the toe connected? Mike Nolan had gone to the challenge because of the fumble. In my recollection, the officials are only allowed to look at that specific aspect of the challenge, not some larger picture. If they ruled Davis had not made the catch, why not go all the way an rule it an interception rather than an incompletion? The ball clearly never hit the ground, and was caught in mid-air by a Pittsburgh DB.

It wasn't the only play the Niners needed. They didn't lose this game because of the pseudo reversal. It was wrong though, and took the Niners out of excellent position on a play in which they did everything right. It wasn't the worst call ever, which goes to the tuck-rule crew, but it was bad.

An Open Letter to Joe Buck

You are awful. Awful, awful, awful, awful, awful. Terrible. I'm watching the Redskins/Giants. You and Troy Aikman are calling the game. Troy, meh. Tollerable. Moderately insightful. You are awful. The Buck Standard Call, or BS Call, goes something like:

"(Insert QB name)...(insert RB/WR/TE name)...what a hit by (insert LB/FS name)."

The real test of a tele commentator is, if I've got my back to the television, can I still tell what's happening if I just listen. With you, no way.

"(QB) steps up...to (WR)...4th down."

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!! You add nothing. Your whole football modus operandi seems to consist of saying names. And adding unqualified color!

"What a throw by (QB)!"

Guh. Please get better. I know you're on FOX, and I know you guys think we are retarded, but please just get better. Don't think you can fool us by just talking.

Thanks, Joe. Now get back to baseball so I can mute you for the playoffs.

BH

You don't really have a point, so shut the...

I love the numbers in football. I don't really like watching games, mostly due to the after-play shenanigans. I'd rather watch the rotating scoreboard on NFL Network than a live game. Only a few teams play good football. While parity gives most teams a shot at the beginning of the year and shortens the shittiness cycle, it makes for some pretty crappy football. Among other reasons, guys are not with teams long enough to form real cohesiveness on offense, which makes for some boring shit more often than not. The Colts, Saints, Chargers, and Bengals are the obvious exceptions to this. The Niner-Cards game on Monday night was excruciating. The Bears-Bolts game was so bad, I left to go for a ride even though I had LT on my fantasy roster. The Cowboy-Giant game was the Jesus of the weekend, but even that game wasn't played particularly well.

Football is boring these days. I never used to listen to announcers. I used to watch the game. Madden and Summerall on Niner/Cowboy games were like some ambient glow rather than an intrusion. Michaels and Gifford were amazing, so much so that Dan Dierdorf's buffoonery was nothing more than a mosquito buzzing around your ear. Today, every tit with a microphone tries to be John Madden. Announcers tell you what to think about plays rather than describing them. The nice thing about Michaels and Summerall was that they'd let the viewer decide what they thought about a play. They left the color to the color guys, and even the color guys told you what happened, not what to think. Is it that football is so tough to watch that I can't help hearing crummy commentary? Or is it that crummy commentary is so bad that it's making football tough to watch. I don't know. I do know the experience that is football on television is almost unbearable. Thank God Madden and Michaels are together on Sunday night.

I was driving home on Monday from Vail to NorCal, listening to the Bengals-Ravens game. Boomer Esiason was doing the color alongside some douche I'd never heard of. Over and over Boomer talked about momentum. The Bengals had the momentum, then it turned and the Ravens did, then the Bengals got it back after a fumble recovery, then the Ravens had the momentum. He kept talking about it. Boomer, I know you're a frequent MHR reader, so if you're reading this, let me tell you something everyone else already knows. Momentum in sports is not real. If momentum switches seemingly from play to play, there is none. Please stop talking about it. And if the point you're trying to make isn't really panning out, don't try to make it work. You just look, or sound, silly.

So the whole experience has become very ho-hum. DMo, Sondog, the Butler and myself were at Sondog's house Sunday morning, excited as all hell to watch the opening Sunday of football season. We were all pretty hung-over so it wasn't the most reliable case-study, but Sondog ended up asleep on the floor and the rest of us left before the second game was at the quarter. Elam's kick at the gun was nice, especially since it got me four points in our fantasy league, but the day was a tough watch.

So, Meh...

I started a blog called, 'stopthefistpump' some time ago, and realized there was nothing to write about other than the title's suggestion. I haven't written anything there for a few months. I've decided to get it going again, but it won't be limited to fisting pumps. I've got the same address but a different name, so check it out. I don't know what I'll write about, or why the hell you'll care to read it.

The Secret of My Success

Fuck, I know. Every self-righteous douche that watches an NFL game, blogs (a little), and believes in an East-Coast bias is writing about Bill Belichick this morning.

So it turns out Belichick is a cheater. And we're not talking, "The camera was pointed at the coaching staff all game, so...maybe" cheating. Belichick was caught walking out of the bathroom with a 16-inch syringe sticking out of his ass. It took Roger Goodell four days to administer punishment. Evidently it was so blatant, that IT ONLY TOOK FOUR DAYS!! There are no former congressmen heading farcical task forces. There is evidence and punishment. There are no questions.

Well, okay, I guess there is one. How long has Belichick been doing this? There has to be a huge shadow over every single Pats win since he's taken over. Hell, there have to be questions at all his stops. John Clayton wrote this morning, "Belichick means everything to this team. He's the best coach in football. He has the best schemes in the league." Uh, no John, we don't know that anymore. We sure as hell know he's not the best creator of spying techniques. Thank capial g God he's not running shit for us in South Korea. His poor camera man would look Brad Pitt in Spy Game fucked, rather than simply escorted to the gates at The Meadowlands. I don't know what kind of coach he is. I don't know what his schemes look like without the benefit of knowing what's coming. This raises questions about everything involved with this organization, since Belichick has his hands in everything. And let's not assume he is the only person who knows what is going on. He is simply the ring-leader, and I'm sure players know the deal. This is organizational corruption. We know teams worry about cheating and a few have been accused. But never has an offense been so cut and dry.

Everything the Pats have done in their run is tainted. Is Belichick a great coach? Hell, beats me. I'm not willing to simply say that he is, the way John Clayton does. I know he's a cheater. I don't know if the capital g Golden Boy is the great quarterback we all think he is. I don't know if anyone on that team will now actually be able to play the way we've seen in the past. And if they do? Are they cheating? Has the guy with the 'best schemes in football' come up with the newest, best scheme in cheatball? There will always be questions. Not suggestions and winks and 'fuck, it was like they knew what was coming out there''s. Real, validated questions. And to this point, real, validated answers. Is the Bradyfallocentric ESPN going to wonder? No. They will still compare him to Joe Montana, forever pretending this is a Belichick-only issue. Belichick will get litle more than a figurative slap-on-the-wrist from the talking heads at the worldwide leader. Will they ask questions about asterisks next to each Pats Super Bowl win? Of course not. This is their team, their chiseled All-American guy, their brilliant coach.