Thursday, October 04, 2007

Stuff I now know about baseball, thanks to TBS

Kenny Lofton still plays? For Cleveland?!

Postseason baseball is not for baseball fans. Well, kind of it is, but not. Color guys talk like they're teaching a third grade class. Play-by-play guys talk like they are intuitive. It's mute time. Wait...there are graphics? Oh God, there are graphics!! The leadoff stripe? Huh? Huh?! 9 feet? My coaches never told me about 9 feet.

I can win 2008 World Series tickets by being the sexiest fan in baseball. Sweet. Easy. I wonder what kind of sexy picture I can put together. Maybe I'll squeeze a ball between my cheeks. Yeah. Can someone find me a Speedo with baseball stitches?

There is a "typical Yankee at-bat," I guess. I mean, according to Chip Caray. It consists of seeing a lot of pitches. I don't know if there's a typical Indian at-bat, since Caray didn't mention it, but I know Chien-Ming Wang threw almost as many pitches as CC Sabathia in 1/3 fewer innings. Maybe his voice was tired from calling Cleveland home runs.

Bob Brenley says A-Rod put up "video game numbers." Pssh. I don't know about that. .314, 54, 156, .422, .645? I once had myself hit 145 bombs with a .435 batting average in MLB '05. Eat that!

Ron Darling doesn't actually watch the game he's calling.

Some guy named "The Captain" plays for New York? Is that his first name? Who are they talking about?

Derek Jeter has dirty balls, and Caray wants to wash them on the air.

'Frank TV' will "literally change the face of television." Okay. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but it will be literal.

Shelley Duncan's body has four motors, each of which is connected to an appendage and moves at a different rate from the others. He runs like Goofy. Only wierder.

Jorge Posada was the steak to A-Rod's sizzle, or at least Caray says so. Cool. Cool. He was the real meat of the Yankees. I get it. Chip says Jorge's one of the Yankees most clutch hitters. Oooohhh. Except he just struck out with the bases loaded after being ahead 3-0, with less than two outs.

Caray says the Indians had a "coming out party tonight." Awesome. I watch Indians baseball for 162 games, and only now find out there all gay? Those bastards.

Chevy's motto is 110%. Right on, but why stop there? As long as your trying extra hard, why don't you try extra, extra hard? If I'm going to pay $35,000 for a car, I want one made by a bunch of people giving 111%, at least.


SonDog said...

You know who else sucks? Joe Buck. Thom Brennaman does too. Actually, the entire baseball play-calling universe is pretty abhorrent. With the exception of Kruk and Kuip (even though they are ridiculous homers).

bh said...

I think Kruk and Kuip don't take themselves seriously, which totally seems to help.

Have I ever posted about Brennaman or Buck here?

SonDog said...

I can't wait for Fox to take back over the playoffs just so I can mute the tv and turn on a good iTunes playlist.