Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Kings Weekend of SaoTSARBe

by SonDog

As promised, the Texas two-step through Dallas and San Antonio provided an ideal sample to calculate the Sacramento Kings' 2006/2007 early-season SaoTSARB results. The following loss to Orlando and the Hindenburg disaster that was the Phoenix debacle only served to confirm the results from the original Texas case study.

Remember, as I wrote in my original SaoTSARBoE post, the theory is that the most efficient player would have a low score (probably 1.3 to 3.2 for a guy like LeBron -- or, amount per 48 minutes that you will either swear at particular player or throw shit across the room because of said player), while a frustrating and inefficient player would have a high score (around 57.5 to 61.2 - see Kings results below for more on this type of player)."

And yes, I'm incredibly bitter after witnessing a four-game losing streak that has catapulted my state-of-mind towards a full-on Northern Californian sports depression. Seriously, I need to be medicated, and Jameson is just not cutting it. Anyways, on to the rankings, in order of efficiency:
1) Kevin Martin- (3.4 SaoTSARBoE): It's been well chronicled, but this is a career-year for the svelte shooting guard from Western Carolina. (By the way, you could play a sweet drinking game with your buddies during a nationally televised Kings game by doing the following: Everytime an announcer says anything remotely close to "This has been a breakout season for the svelte shooting guard from Western Carolina," take a shot. I promise you will be hammered by the end of the first quarter. And if you play that game by yourself, it is in no way sad.) Martin ranks among the league leaders in not just scoring and shooting percentage, but also SaoTSARBoE. That being said, the most frustrating sub-plot of this early season is the Kings' inability (or refusal) to get Martin the ball. Through the first six quarters in Dallas and San Antonio, Martin took 10 shots. 10. As in, t-e-n. True, Martin entered the Dallas game averaging 23.9 points per game, but I guess the team figured that shots from players other than Kevin Martin were the primary reason behind Kevin Martin's scoring average. Basically, the only time Martin's name is mentioned while I'm swearing at the tv or shit is flying across the room is when someone is NOT passing him the ball. For example, "BIBBY?! What are you doing?! Will you pass the fucking ball to Martin?! Please?! DAMNIT!!" (Dog toy flies across the room)

2) John Salmons (7.1 SaoTSARBoE): Salmons has truly been a pleasant surprise this season. He's a mini-stat stuffer who is the team's best perimeter defender. If Salmons is guilty of anything, it is being a ball-stopper on offense. However, considering that the guy played in the same backcourt as Allen Iverson for the past two seasons, I cut him a little slack. You have to figure that when he gets his hands on the basketball, it's like Christmas day. I've noticed his facial expressions on a couple of occasions after receiving passes from Bibby. It's as if Ed McMahon showed up on his doorstep and handed him a Publisher's Clearinghouse check for $7 million.

3) Ron Artest (inc.): Ron-Ron has been out the last three games with a bad back. I would do an SaoTSARBoE analysis on him, but he's been on such good behavior since coming to Sacramento that I don't want to say anything about his game that may send him into a psychotic rage. His rap album, however, simply shattered all pre-existing ceilings on the Crappiness Scale.

4) Brad Miller (10.5 SaoTSARBoE): It's great having Miller back on the floor as he was sorely missed while recovering from a foot injury. It would be even better if Coach Musselman had the slightest clue on how to effectively utilize him. There's really not much new I can say about Miller, so I'll re-post what I said about him last year: "The 7-ft center from Purdue is somewhat of an anomaly. While he is unbelievably efficient when it comes to his fundamental skill set (jump shots, passing, etc.), Miller gets cursed at most often for something he simply can't control... his unbelievable lack of athleticism. Miller's poor rebounding is directly tied to the fact that he couldn't jump over the Christmas tree extension cord. Due to this, Miller's lack of athleticism was cussed on 7 different occasions while he was being outrebounded by guys like 6'1" Carlos Arroyo. The remote control was thrown twice from failed drives to the hoop (I think Miller is even slower than most people realize), and the plush Santa-doll that Rocky chews was hucked against the front door three times as Miller was standing still at the high-post with his feet in cement after a spin-move and dunk by Rasheed Wallace. Again, these flaws are not due to effort, so Miller has a lot to overcome on SaoTSARBoE by nature."

5) Kenny Thomas (14.7 SaoTSARBoE): Remember when Kenny Thomas could shoot? Did he sell his jump shot on eBay or something? What happened to it? He's shooting free throws about as effectively as Pedro Feliz uses the opposite field. Then again, he's the teams best rebounder and post defender, so you need him on the floor. Just keep him as far away from the ball on offense as is humanly possible.

6) Francisco Garcia (18.9 SaoTSARBoE): Gets cursed at most often for being the 6'7" walking definition of a spaz. Believe it or not, that is a drastic improvement over last season.

7) Mike Bibby (25.3 SaoTSARBoE): It's been a mighty poor year for Bibby across the board. I've seemingly thrown more objects across the room this year due to Mike Bibby than I have in his entire career as a King. I'm still a big Bibby fan, but his game has slipped this season. Yes, I know he's injured. So, with that in mind... BIBBY?!?! STOP SHOOTING!!!! JEEEEEEEEEEEESUS!!!!! PASS THE FUCKING BALL, WILL YOU?!?!

8) Ronnie Price (27.4 SaoTSARBoE): OZ can tell you that I was a huge Gerald Wallace fan when he was first drafted by the Kings. I thought it was a mistake to give him up in the expansion draft and I still think the Kings regret giving him away when it was obvious to everybody that he was about to breakout. Anyways, I've felt that way about Price since pre-season of last year. He's not ready yet to log 20 minutes a night, but he will really energize the team from time to time. (Honestly, if you haven't seen the throwdown he had over Carlos Boozer, click on this link. It's truly remarkable. It makes up for the Anna Kournokova-like frequency of unforced errors.

9) Corliss Williamson(34.7 SaoTSARBoE): Whatever.

10) Shareef Abdur-Rahim (57.0 SaoTSARBoE): SAR changes ends of the floor slower than my son, and he can't even crawl yet. The primary reason for this is his slow-motion crow-hop that he takes... every...single... time... he... has... to... change.... ends.... of... the... court. Seriously, look for it. Once you see it, it will drive you crazy every time you watch him play. He is the last guy down the court 102 times out of 100. I've hucked more shit across the room because of that guy this year than a monkey at a zoo. The critical down fall of his season was when Miller got hurt. In short, it forced him to play extended minutes. As Stapes recommended last year with Garcia, SAR receives bonus points for the cursing out of Musselman every time he plays him. I have nothing good to say about SAR this year. Once again, the most common saying heard in my house is, "For God's sake, Shareef?! Grab a fucking rebound!!!"

5 comments:

C-lo said...

My boy Corliss sucks that bad? My apologies.

the butler said...

dude at least you're not a Grizzlies fan this year...
all your windows would be busted out from all the shit you'd be throwing. Consider my top "10 reasons to be thankful you're not a Grizzlies fan this year", then pretend you're a fan and try to imagine holding any hopes whatsoever about this season, save the fact that you'll get a great draft pick next year:

1)Scoring leader- Hakim Warrick (15.7)
2)Rebound leader - Mike "Scott Pollard with a bad dye job" Miller with a whopping 6.4 per game.
3)Assist leader - ahem. Mike Miller again with 4.1 - what an unselfish guy.
4)Eddie Jones has dropped off the face of the planet.
5)Mighty Mouse was somehow hand-cuffed to Eddie Jones, so he fell off Earth as well.
6)Jake Tsakalidis actually gets minutes. He's even started 4 games.
7)The new prospective owner, former Dookie Brian Davis (the guy who was always accused of being Laettner's gay lover), is refusing to name his financial investors (I bet it's the Illuminati), causing all sorts of shady vibes and great press.
8)We're talking about trading Gasol, our only good player. Granted, he might not shoulder a team to a title by himself, but in a day and time like today, you gotta hang on to your big men who give you 21/9 with 2.5 blks a night. And he's 26 years old, fresh off his MVP performance this past summer in the FIBA World Championships. Last year he was the Grizzlies' first All-Star ever.
9) We're last in the West.
10) I miss Battier, (although Rudy Gay I likes). Battier might be in competition for the lowest and best SaoTSARBe rating ever. Maybe the most fundamentally correct player I've ever watched. He played hard every second. He took nine charges a game.

And that's only 10 reasons.

OZ said...

I’m trying to give Muss the benefit of a little time here, but he’s heading to a bad area. I hated Adelman for his absolute and unwavering drive to never play defense and never change the rotation. Muss came into the year with a plan, but it seems that plan was based on Artest entirely because the defense is horrid and you know he’s not even trying when he starts 5 guys under 6’10” and 3 of them are barely over 6’. His SaoTSARBe is starting to climb.

SonDog said...

c-lo: Corliss isn't that bad, he's just not that good either. Hence: Whatever. Have you found that jersey yet?

Butler: I was a Kings fan when the frontline was Lionel Simmons, Waymon Tisdale and Duane Causwell. If you are asking yourself, "Who?" Exactly.

Oz: Musslehead is overmatched. I think he brown-nosed his way through his interview with the Maloof's, preaching defense, only to find out that Rick Adelman was right and they don't have the personell to be a defensive juggernaut.

OZ said...

After last night, all I have to add is DAMMIT. I think this team is shooting about 13.5% from the field this year. No defense can help you if you only score every 9th time down the court.