Saturday, May 05, 2007

Are we at a point where the words "Arrest" and "Artest" are synonymous?

As you have certainly heard by now, Ron Arrest received his sentence this week in a Placer County courtroom. Arrest, who's favorite pastime is general acts of chaotic douchbaggery (like, say, getting in trouble for hating his dogs), pleaded no contest in a domestic violence charge stemming from an early-March "incident" at his Loomis mansion.

The following is the leaked sealed testimony of the Arrest courtroom drama, as reported by the experts when it comes to reporting such news: the guys who wrote Game of Shadow: The story of us screwing with Barry Bonds:. Here's an excerpt from the newest new Game of Shadows:

As Barry Bonds hit another home run in San Francisco, millions of children across the world die another slow death. My son, Nosteroids, asked me recently, "Daddy, is Barry Bonds going to hell?" I had to reply with a sad, exasperated, "Yes, son. Yes he is. And he's sending all of us there as well." With each upcoming homerun, I fear my son will lose much of his childish innocence.

This point was hammered home in a a Placer County courtroom in late April as Sacramento Kings' star, Ron Artest, was sentenced for taking steroids (cleverly disguised as "domestic violence"). The cross-examination by the prosecution was compelling, to say the least.

Placer County District Attorney: "Mr. Artest, it is widely known that fits of rage are a common side effect of steroids. It's pretty well established that this is why you beat your wife, er, excuse me, "allegedly" beat your wife. So, did you get your steroids from Mr. Barry Lamar Bonds?

Artest: No. I pretty much beat her. Guilty as charged. What the hell else are you sayin'?

DA: Please answer the question Mr. Artest.

Artest: What? Didn't I just admit to being guilty of what you're charging me with, holmes?

Did you get the steroids from Mr. Bonds, sir?!

Artest: I hit my wife. Bitch wouldn't feed my dog. I don't know what the hell else you're babbling about, man.

DA: (turning to the judge) Your honor, will you please direct the witness to answer the question.

Judge: Please answer the question, Mr. Artest.

Artest: What... Fucking... What? No, I didn't get no steroids from Bonds. I don't even know the dude.

DA: Mr. Artest, may I remind you that you're under oath.

Artest: Listen, dickweed. I aint snitchin' on nobody. I didn't get no steroids from Bonds.

DA: You know that's a double negative? So, you do admit to using steroids then with Bonds?

Artest: Wwwhat?

DA: Did you deliver steroids to Mr. Bonds, Mr. Artest?

Artest: Damn foo. And people says that I'm crazy?

DA: How do you explain the $700 you made in 2006 that was not part of your NBA contract?

Artest: I sold a few LP's. About 50 of 'em. Iz about to blow up big though, yo.

DA: Mr. Artest, do you really expect this courtroom to believe you can rap?

Artest: Man, I'm bout to kick yo ass.


Artest: I'm surous man.

DA: Mr. Artest. Did you or did you not supply illicit performance enhancing drugs to Mr. Bonds.

Artest: (sits in stunned silence)

DA: Your honor, I would like the court to hold this man in contempt for not answering the question.

Artest: I didn't give Bonds no drugs man.

DA: But you're admitting that somebody gave Bonds drugs then?

Artest: I ain't no snitch, bitch.

Da: Will you at least admit that you think Bonds probably maybe certainly used drugs?

Artest: I thought this was about me?

DA: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I think that answers your question. Barry should not be allowed to break the homerun record.

Artest: What the fuck just happened here?

In the days the followed, Barry Bonds would continue to crush homers, despite the controversy that surrounded him in the Ron Artest case. With each day, America wept for it's children and turned away from the pure evil that was sure to pass Hank Aaron in the record books.

1 comment:

the butler said...

Because of Bonds, I've decided to not even try to bring children into this world. 'Twould be cruel.