Saturday, May 12, 2007

Ranking the NBA playoff matchups: Semifinal edition

1. Golden State vs. Utah -- Just an entertaining series all around. I mean, is there a better mascot in the NBA right now than Baron Davis' beard? I think not. The Beard's posterization of AK-47 last night is the signature moment of the 2007 tournament and Golden State's run has been nothing short of incredible. However, if TNT sends Dick Stockton to call another Warriors/Jazz game, I'm going to take a lesson from Mike Vick and punch my dog in the face. Stockton is hoooooorible. I would rather listen to my son cry for 48 minutes that listen to Stockton absolutely butcher players names in specific and the English language in general (I mean, c'mon, Stephen Davis plays football, Dick!). He's starting to sound like a 90-year-old dementia patient after four or five shots of codeine. Here's a sampling from Stockton, "Utah Warriors coach, Jerry Nelson, said that Monte Pietktkluskosis needs to step it up. He also pointed out said that Bendrijsis needs to have a big night against Mehmet Boozer if the Mavs are going to have a shot of taking this back to Milwaukee."

2. Phoenix vs. San Antonio -- It's official, Bruce Bowen is a Grade-A Ass. He clearly tried to take out Amare Stoudemire's achillis the other night, as broken down beautifully by some random dudes who posted the replay on YouTube. Which gets me to my next point: We've reached an era in technology where you can't fart in public without the free-world knowing about it. I mean, when a couple of random dudes can TiVo a game and instantly post on a website a super slo-mo replay of Bruce Bowen pulling a Kill Bill maneuver on Amare's achillis, leading to millions of bloggers picking it up and running with it, all before ESPN can even think about writing that it was an "overreaction" by Stoudemire, you know we're in the midst of world-changing revolution. Then again, maybe I'm just way too into the book, The World is Flat by Thomas L. Friedman. (Great, great book. Can't say enough about it.)

Anyways, thoroughly entertaining series. If this one doesn't go 7, it'll be a crime. In fact, I'm positive that David Stern will have a ref killed if it doesn't go 7.

3. New Jersey vs. Cleveland -- If there is any justice in the world, Vince Carter will break his foot before the end of this series, leading to a brutal staff infection, which will require an amputation at the knee by month's end. If this dude gets a max-contract from any GM in the league, said GM will need to be drug out to the street and shot. I'm not even close to joking. I'm surprised a crazed Raptor fan didn't take him out in the Toronto series. Carter is one of the worst human beings in the history of America. I'm not even trying to use hyperbole here.

4. Chicago vs. Detroit -- So, yeah, maybe Chicago should have made a harder run at Pau Gasol. I watched a few moments of this game the other night bla bla bla bla bla. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.


the butler said...

That Baron Davis dunk made me piss my pants. Literally.

I started to do a photoshop tribute of some sort right after it happened...but was a couple Jameson's too deep to really focus.

Runs With Two Horses said...

I think Boozer, Williams, and Millsap have turned the Jazz into the meatiest team in the league. Those guys love mashing bodies on the court. For some reason I thought the old Stockton-Malone teams were boring, but I love this Jazz team. I honestly think they have enough big men to play with the Spurs, and if they can run with Golden State, I don't see why they can't keep pace with the Suns. Should be a surprisingly good Western Conference Finals.