Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Return of SaoTSARBoE

by SonDog

Last December I wrote a story titled, "New Statistic - SaoTSARBoE - A Fan's Guide to Efficiency." In it, I basically morphed into a balder version of John Hollinger - a man capable of creating his own basketball statistics that seemingly reasonable people use as a guide to player efficiency.

Let me emphasize one thing here with the help of ctrl + b, ctrl + i and !: The man is creating his own statistics - even naming them after himself!! Does anybody else find this a little, I dunno... retarded? Not only that, but for the second year in a row, Allen Iverson is leading NBA point guards in Hollinger's efficiency rating. Allen Iverson?! Right here, right now, I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me that this is not the most ridiculous thing you've heard that does not involve Isiah Thomas swinging a trade.

Seriously.

With a straight face.

After not much thought, I've determined that Hollinger is the coach of the There are lies, there are damned lies, and there are statistics team. In fact, coming into this season, Hollinger filled every roster spot on that squad.

Don't look now, Johnny, but you have a possible competitor who is slowly making a name for himself. So much so that we don't even know his name. Yes, that's right, there is a new, anonymous version of John Hollinger out there lurking in the dark under-belly of www.nba.com. Indeed, some anonymous mad scientist has created his own revolutionary stat while undoubtedly praying at the alter of John Hollinger's Stats Page.

Ladies and Gentleman, I introduce to you THE LENOVO STAT!

(Wait for it...)

(Wait...)

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

To quote NBA.com, "The Lenovo Stat shows the power of teamwork. It's a way of showing the best-engineered/best combination of players on the court. The Lenovo Stat is a plus/minus statistic that looks at the point differential when players are both in and out of the game, to see how the team performs with various combinations. The Lenovo Stat can look at a variety of combinations – including the best two-player, three-player and even five-player combinations for each game." In fact, the Lenovo Stat even works for single players. Which, of course, tells us nothing about the power of teamwork. From what I can tell, the Lenovo Stat was created by a Dave McMenamin, which makes about as much sense as the stat itself.

True, the Lenovo Stat doesn't factor in the many variables that come along with players sharing time on the court, rather it just keeps track of the scoreboard, but at least it makes guys like Chuck Hayes seem important. True, Chuck Hayes spends an awful lot of time alongside the best center in the NBA (Yao Ming) and one of the best off-guards in the NBA (Tracy McGrady), but why split hairs.

The new statistic hasn't exactly captivated the minds of NBA front-office types. In fact, it's so un-revolutionary that the head coach of the Seattle Supersonics, Bob Hill was quoted as saying, "I don't even know what it is." I can't make that up.

So with this in mind, I've decided to bring back SaoTSARBoE. It's truly the best player-efficiency measure for a fan. (For those of you who don't remember, the SaoTSARBoE acronym stands for, "Swear at or Throw Shit Across the Room Because of Efficiency." To calculate, all you do is calculate the average total per 48 minutes a die-hard fan both A) Swears at a player for any reason (SaP x 48minutes/player's minute per game average), and B) Throws any type of object through the living room in disgust (be it a tv remote, couch pillow or even a plush dog toy) due to a mistake by said player (TSARBo x 48minutes/player's minute per game average). A + B = SaoTSARBo Efficiency. It is imperative that the die-hard fan is watching his or her beloved team in the comfort of his or her own living room, with full concentration on the game.

New for 2007 - Baby rattles, used diapers and binkies are multiplied by two when calculating the amount of shit thrown across the room.

The beauty of this stat is that it is not limited to basketball. It's a chamelion. The Bo Jackson of statistics, if you will. You can use it in baseball, football, soccer, whatever. Before its premature death, you could have used it for hockey efficiency as well. I can't wait for BH to try it during the Olympics.

This weekend will provide a perfect opportunity to measure the current SaoTSARBo Efficiency levels of the 2006/2007 Sacramento Kings. Sac travels to San Antonio on Friday night and Dallas on Saturday. An SaoTSARBo recap will soon follow. If all goes well, I'll present my statistic to FoxSports.com (since ESPN and NBA.com are both taken) late next week and I'll be joining the Hollinger-Lenovo fraternity in no time.

3 comments:

the butler said...

Are we sure Jay Leno didn't come up with that stat?

I bet Steve Kerr was the best Leno player on Earth during the mid-90's.

SonDog said...

Steve Kerr had the best Leno +/- stat of all-time. And what about Robert Horry?

OZ said...

What's worse is you know that guy has been explaining this statistic and arguing its merit for years with his buddies and co-workers. I wonder if he even realizes he's a farce.

And Horry has got to win this one out. Most games he only plays for the last 30 seconds anyway and he always scores about 40 points in that time frame.