Thursday, March 30, 2006

Thank God for David Stern

by SonDog

The NBA wants to get rid of the disease known as "man tights."

The most troubling aspect of this NBA season is the blatant middle finger that the players are sending to David Stern on a daily basis by wearing tights during games. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. I mean, tights?! C'mon guys... Tights?!?!

I once believed that it was a conspiracy concocted by the players union in response to the pre-game dress code that was implemented before the season. Then again, once Andrew Bogut was spotted wearing tights, that theory was shot to hell.

The "my legs hurt, so tights are the only solution" plague started with Kobe, spread to LeBron, was passed to D-Wade, reached a sponsorship level with Nike and ultimately reached its sorry pinnacle by claiming... wait for it... wait for it... Toni Kukoc. Um, Toni, if MJ and Scottie were there right now, they would bludgeon you to death with your own championship rings. I'm suprised Steve Kerr hasn't already done so during an NBAThursday Night TNT telecast of a Bucks game.

I think Mike Bibby wore a one-legged tight the other night, but I'm not positive. It could have been an extra-long knee brace. I know that I've seen Bonzi Wells sport the Capri-pant tight look from time to time. (Christ, my wife can get away with Capri pants at a push, but I really don't need to see Wells in such attire.) At this point, I'm waiting for Ron Artest to sport some arm-tights during a game, just to prove he's different.

Bonzi Wells sported Capri-man-tights for a while, which was quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever seen.

The most unbelievable pro-tight argument came from Milwaukee Buck forward Joe Smith who said, "It's something to keep you warm. It keeps my knee from swelling up, keeps some tightness around it so it won't blow up on me when I'm out there. It's meant a lot to me."

Smith added, "If my tights were a woman, I would treat them to dinner every night and show them the love that only a man on solid-knees can provide. Again, it's meant a lot to me. I would like to thank the good lord for man-tights. In no way do I feel like a complete and utter tool while wearing them."

Joe Smith wears tights so he doesn't blow up his knees. Without them, he may be forced to retire. Then again, most of the league thought he already did, so it's kind of irrelevant

Okay, so I made the last quote up. My point is, Joe, your career blew up after your first season with the Warriors when you were a flop as the #1 pick in the draft (KG was #5 that year). You don't need the tights buddy. I think Wilt Chamberlain, Karl Malone and Hakeem did just fine without the tights. (Then again, maybe the tights could have prolonged the career of Bill Walton and his rickety knees. The sight of the "Big Hyperbole" in tights would have been downright hysterical. NBA TV needs to jump on this opportunity before the leg wear is gone forever.)

Anyways, the NBA is seeking to ban such ballerina leg-wear and I have to say that I couldn't be happier. So long man-tights, we hardly knew ye.

7 comments:

OZ said...

That's funny stuff. I fell out of my chair reading it to the wife.

DMo said...

I see your point though I bet they would feel all cozy and nice. Hey, I've seen you with under armour, aka tights, showing under shorts and vests. Explain that.

sondog said...

I'm a hypocritical bastard, that's how I explain it. I only wear man-tights when I'm in a snowshoe race, like tomorrow. I agree that they're cozy and nice, but they have no place on a basketball court. I'm pushing it with the snowshoe race, but I would never wear them on a basketball court.

DMo said...

Maybe you'd be a decent basketball player if you wore tights. You ever think about that?

sondog said...

I can still kick your ass in one-on-one. Are you forgetting this? Nahaaat!

DMo said...

Yes, your gleaming white skills over power mine on the hard wood. Golf, Tennis, pool, you ready? Ahh, lets just drink till we drop, that's a mans game.

sondog said...

We're even in Tennis, unless my ridiculous temper sets in and I start hitting the ball towards Gypsum at every opportunity. That was fun. It's on like donkey kong this summer though.

Drinking games could be the best activities known to man.