Saturday, March 03, 2007

San Francisco Sports Owners Wipe Their Asses with $100 Bills

by SonDog

Maybe they have to overpay due to the over-priced cost of living?

First, the San Francisco Giants award lefty Barry Zito the most lucrative contract in history for a pitcher (7-years, $126 million). Are Giants fans thrilled to have Zito? Absolutely. Will this contract be an albatros if Zito underperforms or, worst case scenario, gets injured? Absolutely. Am I asking myself questions again, sounding more and more like Donald Rumsfeld with each post? Damnit. There's nothing really left to be said about this contract.

Not to be outdone, John York (the San Francisco 49ers numbnuts owner) decided on Saturday to make it rain on cornerback Nate Clements with an 8-year, $80 million contract, the richest in history for a defensive player.

On a side note: The phrase "Making it Rain" is officially up there with "foshizzle" for "Ghetto slang that is remarkably acceptable for white people to incorporate into everyday venacular." What that means for "Making it Rain" is that it will sadly be grossly over-used by sports writers, bloggers, Bill Simmons, et. al. over the course of the next three weeks. Mark my words. That being said, if Peter Gammons uses that phrase in any way, it most certainly would be a sign of the apocolypse.

Karl Ravich: "Peter, what are your thoughts on the Yankees trade for Johan Santana?"

Gammons: "Look, this shouldn't surprise anybody that George Steinbrenner went out and traded for the best pitcher in baseball. What would be surprising is if Steinbrenner chooses not to make it rain on Santana this winter when he's up for arbitration. I have a feeling...

Karl Ravich: "Wait... what in the hell did you just say?"

Gammons: "He's going to make it rain all over Santana, like Pacman in a nudie bar."

Karl Ravich: "Um... yeah."

Anyways, back to the Niners: The team announced the deal with Clements at a Saturday press conference. In said press conference, Clements was quoted as saying, "I really didn't expect to become the highest paid defensive player in the history of the game when I entered the free agent period, but... um... yeah... I'm happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm a Pro Bowl corner... but sweet Jesus. If I was playing GM mode in Madden 07, there's no way I would have made that deal. If I could describe how I was feeling right now in one word: Orgasm."

Okay, seriously, here's what Coach Nolan had to say about Clements:

I don't think of this in a money sense. I think of this as a good player.

Good for Nolan. And hopefully good for the Niners. Clements is a damn good cornerback, but he's no Champ Baily, which makes the value of the contract so surprising. However, after years of living through Salary Cap Hell and putting up with an owner that spends money like an 85-year-old in a nursing home, I am absolutely thrilled with the team's "Make it Rain" philosophy with regards to this year's free agent period.


the butler said...
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the butler said...

I don't know man...all these crazy contracts seem weird. Like stars out of line weird.

1) The Patriots are making the most moves?

2)Three linemen get $50 million, and wasn't Leonard Davis considered a bust for Arizona?

3)The Vikings signed a back-up tight end from the Giants to a 5-year $18 million deal?

4)Falcons pay fullback Ovie Mughelli $18 for six years?

It's like all the teams think they're Richard Pryor's character from Brewster's Millions.

Congrats on Clements, I'm jealous. All the Titans have done is re-sign Kerry Colling to be our back-up QB. Sweet.

Leonard Peltier said...

A) Ovie Mughelli deserves way more than eighteen dollars.
B) Brewster's Millions is a great movie.
C) Is Shane Boyd on the Titans' roster?

the butler said...

yeah, dude MUST fire his agent.


Shane Boyd was on the Titans' roster for a second, but I don't think he suits up anymore. At least I hope not.

Runs With Two Horses said...

What bothers me the most about the free agency deals so far is that New England got the best player in free agency and somehow signed him at about half his value. Does Belicheck threaten to put hits out on players' families?

What's the over-under on how many gays Joey Porter will beat up in Miami?

Runs With Two Horses said...
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Natty Bumpo said...

In the most recent Madden Franchise that I participated in, a friend of mine, who had the Falcons, traded Michael Vick and Warrick Dunn for Willis McGahee and Nate Clements. There is no point to this comment, I just thought everyone would like to know this.