by SonDog
Not to sound like Charles Barkley, but first of all, I've decided that I want theme music playing when I walk into the office in the morning. You know how a ball park will play music of a player's choice when he strides to home plate? Yeah. Well, first of all, I've decided that I want Linkin Park playing when I walk into my office in the morning because, first of all, it really gets my day going. First of all.
Here's my unscientific review/preview of the 12 teams left that have a viable shot or a guaranteed lock for a Western Conference Playoff spot (And John, sorry about Houston):
(12) Minnesota Timberwolves -- Before the season, I couldn't realistically predict that KG would allow Minny to slip again. The guy is just too damned good. However, in the games that I've seen Minny play this year, something stands out about Garnett. It's as if the losing has sucked the life out of him. While he's still putting up great numbers, he just seems to be going through the motions.
It's kind of like Robert DeNiro since his epic year of 1995 (Heat and Casino). Since then, he annualy has an All-Star movie (Jackie Brown in 1997, Ronin in '98, Meet the Parents in 2000, etc.), but every year he is surrounded by so much other crap (Analyze This, Analyze That, Flawless, The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle -- which draws undeniable parallels to KG's Adventures of Spree and Cassell -- 15 Minutes, Showtime, and on and on.) that it is impossible for him to get back to that next level until he decides to sack up, only accept a starring role in a sure-fire Oscar film, and focus all his will and energy into earning Oscars for him and his co-stars in every category. Like Bob, KG needs a reason to be motivated again. I don't see that happening this year. They will make a run at the playoffs, but they won't get there.
(11) Golden State Warriors -- They're almost as dead as my prediction that they would be the sixth seed in the West. What a terrible, terrible tragedy. I feel so sorry for every die-hard Warriors fan about this. I really thought this was the year they would get back to the playoffs. I don't know if GM Chris Mullin started drinking again, but he probably should.
(10) Sacramento Kings -- Ron Artest has transformed this team. With each game, I feel more and more confident that they are going to make the playoffs at the expense of either LA, NO or Memphis. But I've already talked about that. In fact, I talk about them all the time, so let me change the subject for a minute...
Between the San Francisco Giants, San Francisco 49ers and Sacramento Kings (Oakland A's, Oakland Raiders, Warriors as well), Northern California sports fans have had a rough go of it over the last year or so. In fact, the last NorCal team to make the playoffs was the Kings from last year. That Kings team A) Wasn't very good and B) doesn't remotely resemble the team on the floor today. Anyways, I have high hopes for the Giants this year, and I see promise with the 49ers, but damnit I need a team to do some damage in the playoffs and soon! If the Kings don't help me out here, I may spiral into one of the greatest sports depressions of my life. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
(9) Utah Jazz -- Carlos Boozer is back. Which means... so are the jokes about him stabbing a blind Cavs owner in the back when he bailed on a handshake agreement two years ago! Wow, those jokes just never get old! I still feel sorry for Cleveland in that one. I mean, it's sad that Gordon Gund couldn't see right through Boozer. (laugh track) He was just blind-sided by it. (laugh track) I don't know, I guess you have to believe that Gordon Gund just never saw that coming. (laugh track). He just lacked the ability to foresee Boozer's betrayal. (laugh track)
Side note: Most of those come directly from an email exchange between OZ and I right after Boozer showed to the world that he doesn't like handicapped people. I would like to thank OZ for somehow remembering the jokes of ill-taste. And I would also like to tell him that it was a great move to go home and say to the wife, "SonDog and I ripped on a blind man all day." Which led to the inevitable response of, "You guys are disgusting."
For the Jazz, well, they lost to Boston last night... by 20... at home. The Kings are only 1/2 game behind them at the moment. They can be had.
(8) Los Angeles Mambas -- Hey, have you heard that nobody in the NBA was affected more from Hurricane Katrina than the Mamba? Really, it's true. I saw it on TNT, then I read about it here, and in my favorite newspaper, the San Francisco Chronicle, here.. and I even found it in Spanish! He even mentions it in his own words, here! Wow, what a guy. I gotta tell ya, what a guy. He in no way suffers from a crippling lack of sincerity or utter lack of believability. In no way do the stories seem calculated or generated from the Mamba's PR machine.
According to OZ: "When we have to refer to Charles Barkley as, "The voice of reason", there are some major issues that need to be addressed. His actions as a poser and apparent absence of anything remotely resembling remorse have escalated my general feeling of him to complete revulsion. Pretending he cares about the victims of Katrina is a crime against humanity. Would he have done a single thing if the cameras weren't there or if nobody wrote about it? Hell no. Why do you think the cameras were there in the first place? Somebody who is really affected by such a tragedy doesn't take the time to organize a camera crew."
(7) Memphis Grizzlies -- Whatever. They're not going past the first round.
(6) New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets -- Look, they started a guy by the name of Vrohman last night, and he's not even European. I mean, that should tell you something. I don't know what, exactly. But something. The guy's from Laguna Beach.
On another note, Byron Scott and Chris Paul have done amazing jobs this year. Nobody, and I mean nobody, could honestly sit here today and say they predicted the Hornets to play this well and be in the driver's seat for the playoffs with 30 games left. That being said, Paul is due to hit a rookie wall (I also said he would suck, so what the hell do I know), and when he does, the Hornets will slide. They will be lucky to hold on to the number 8 seed.
(5) Los Angeles Clippers -- Los Angeles just signed Vin Baker, and I didn't just pull that out of my ass. Wait... seriously, Vin Baker?
Isn't this the sports equivalent of Lost hiring Gary Busey for a supporting role? Or the CBS Nightly News deciding to go with Pat O'Brien? What's next, the Jets hiring Joe Namath to be their quarterbacks coach? Why don't the Clippers just hire comedian Ron White to be their lead announcer while they're at it? Is Baker even allowed to converse in any way with 19-year-old Shaun Livingston at this point, without adult supervision? Did Elgin Baylor check to see if Baker was even sober? So many questions.
This is the type of mid-season signing that makes me feel like I could succeed as an NBA GM. You're telling me that there is such a dearth of big-men available, that the team with the fifth best record in the West has to resort to signing a guy who hasn't been sober since Bill Clinton's first term? Christ. If insobriety is a qualification for this team, then there's a strong chance that DMo and I will be manning the backcourt for the Clippers' summer-league team in August.
Soon to join the cast of Lost, no doubt.
The Clips are playing remarkably well this year, and as long as Cuttino Mobley and Sam Cassell stay healthy (and realize that their best chance of winning is to get the ball in Elton Brand's hands), they could be a force in the playoffs. That is, unless Baker decides to install his own keg in his locker.
(4) San Antonio Spurs -- Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, Tony Parker and Eva Longoria make a formidable Fab Four to rival Detroit. Duncan's health is the key. This team hasn't clicked on all cylinders yet, but I believe they're still the best team in the West. The only question will be about health.
Speaking of Duncan, if San Antonio wins the championship this year, it will mark Duncan's fourth ring. That is exactly one more than Shaq or Kobe. Tim Duncan could go down as the most underrated player of all-time who was the best player in the league for a substantial period of time. That sentence was horribly composed, but you get the point. Absolutely nobody discusses this guy, and like Ed Harris in Enemy at the Gates, he's just a silent and deadly assassin.
(3) Denver Nuggets -- It appears certain that Earl Watson and Nene are on their way to Portland... I mean New York... I mean Atlanta... I mean Philly... I mean Sacramento... I mean Memphis... I mean Botswana. K-Mart is on his way out too. As is Voshon Lenard. Andre Miller has been rumored to be traded as well. Other than that, everything is just peachy in Denver. Just about the only guys safe are the ball-boy and Carmelo Anthony.
By the way, how could Anthony not make the All-Star team after carrying the Nuggs on his shoulders through the first half? Even with the hype, I think he's one of the most underrated players in the West at the moment. Nuggets fans are thrilled however, after his proclamation in the Denver Post of, "I'm a Nugget for life."
Chemistry, or lack thereof from non-stop trade rumors, will be their downfall. I see them losing in the first-round unless Anthony and Mr. Glass (Marcus Camby) go nuts for four games.
(2) Phoenix Suns -- I have tickets to see the Nuggets and the Suns in Phoenix in late March. I'll give a full report on them at that time. For now, I don't know how far they can go without a healthy Amare. And they're on crack if they think he's going to be healthy for this year's playoffs.
That being said, I had no idea Steve Nash would become Pete Havlicek-incarnate. He's hands-down the best point guard in the NBA, and should be a lock for his second consecutive MVP. Plus, at a Nuggs/Suns game in Denver last year, I watched as he gave one of the best ignoring jobs to a heckler I've ever seen.
Last April, LeseDog and I received a pair of tickets from one of my clients. The seats were four rows behind the Suns' bench. Just incredible. However, for the greater part of three quarters, some numbnuts behind us kept yelling, "Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve!! Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve!!," every time Nash came near the aforementioned Suns bench. (In the fist quarter, it was kind of comical. By the third quarter, I wanted to shove my 32 oz. Coors Light down this guy's throat, which I probably would have done had my ears not been bleeding.) At any rate, there was no way Nash could not hear this. Members of the Suns' bench kept looking up at this guy, in hopes that a simple acknowledgement by a pro player would shut him the hell up. It didn't, and he didn't. Kind of a pointless story, but it just gave me one more reason to like Nashty.
(1) Dallas Mavericks-- While they sit in first as of today, I'm not sold on Dallas. They need to prove to people that they can play defense in the playoffs, and they're going to have to go through San Antonio in the second-round to do it. Frankly, my dog Rocky has about as much of a chance of stopping Tim Duncan in a seven-game series as DeSagana Diop.
That being said, I love Dirk... He doesn't seem to take himself too seriously, and that is a quality that is rare in the NBA. A couple of years ago, a buddy sent me two pictures that I posted below. I have no idea who the guy in the front of the picture is (a friend of the friend who sent these picts), but the two clowns in the back are clearly Dirk and Steve Nash during a night at the bars. The bottom picture is Dirk doing his best imitation of Vin Baker. I find it hard not to root for Dirk.
This man (not the dude in the front) will try to lead Dallas to the championship.
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6 comments:
You'r enot giving the guy in the front enough credit. When was the last time you saw such candid shots of pro athletes off their butts? He was probably offered a job a the Enquirer.
I'd like to say you're way off on Minn, but even I am faultering.
I've heard some Bonzi for Earl Watson rumors. Can you guys use your inside sources and let me know if this has any chance of happening and if I should be excited or worried about it?
My sources are telling me that that trade won't happen. Seriously, why would that even be rumored? Would Petrie even consider that deal for two seconds? Watson is better than Jason Fart, that's for sure, but that contract is more bloated than my pregnant wife.
In other news, Stapes, it looks like Isiah made another ridiculous trade today. At this rate, NY may be under the cap by 2031. Steve Francis and Steph Marbury in the same backcourt? What... the fuck... is Isiah thinking? Or is he even thinking at all? Did he just use that trade generator on ESPN.com to figure that one out or something?
Sweet. Do they serve drinks in the backcourt? I'll take a saphire and tonic witha lemon twist. And Damnit Cassell, stop looking at me! You're freaking me out man!!
Isiah is like everyone else's safety net - if screw something up really bad - he'll bail you out and you can get a first round pick too.
I'm sure you already have checked out Bill Simmons report from the all-star game. Some classic stuff in there about the ridiculousness of the NBA.
The MJ part was classic, as was the Isiah joke about not agreeing to a settlement in the sexual harassment case unless it was for 5 years and $60 million. 99% of what I write for basketball is derived from something that he said. I won't deny that. The guy's writing style is fucking hillarious.
DMo, that summer league is in Vegas. I think we have a shot. If Baker can make it, we can. Hell, we're about the same size as the Knicks new backcourt. Granted we can't run and jump like them, but we're much cheaper. Jamo please!
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