DJ Gallo's Rocky Top Critique: Oh, the Irony.

by the butler


I try to exercise caution when calling into question the general intelligence of a given social population. Being from Tennessee, I've heard plenty of "wise" cracks aimed at my Southern brethren and our supposed lack of learning ability. Most times I just smile and let ignorance continue. Catch 'em off guard later kind of thing, I guess.

The truth is, I've met idiots all over the world. They're everywhere. Maybe the Southern U.S. has a higher concentration...I've never counted. In my opinion Southerners are penalized for their accent more than they deserve. For some reason people from other parts of the U.S. think they sound like damn geniuses.

Okay, so DJ Gallo from ESPN.com did a little piece on "Rocky Top" after Pat Summitt's cheerleading escapade last week. Apparently Deej never payed any attention to the words of the song until Pat captured his eye with her hot little skirt.

"But it wasn't until Tuesday night when I heard Pat Summitt sing a few bars of "Rocky Top" ...that I really listened to the words for the first time. And I have to say -- it left me with lots and lots of questions."

Here we go again. Southerners are dumb. Never heard this before, you un-original bastard. He then goes on to say,

"And, please, if any Tennessee fans can clear up my confusion on all of this, I'd be much obliged. Seriously."

I'll clear up your dumb-ass confusion, Deej.

After pointing out himself that the song was WRITTEN IN 1967, Gallo offers this morsel of brilliant commentary on the verse which reads "ain't no telephone bills"-

"Wait … what? No telephone bills? Is the cost of phone service a huge problem in Tennessee or something?... just cancel your land line and use your cell phone for all of your calls. That's what I would do."

C'mon, dumb Southern folk, why don't you use your cell phones in 1967?

Gallo's next pearl of wisdom is given regarding the line, "Once I had a girl on Rocky Top, Half bear, the other half cat;" (obviously referring to the girl's personality, Deej, did you fail 9th grade Literature or what?) -

"Again, I'm confused. Honestly. So a dude's "girlfriend" was apparently some sort of soulless bear-cat hybrid?"

Again, Deej, you're a retard. It's what we in the literary world call "figurative language". Even dumb Southerners know how to incorporate it into songs and writing and stuff.

At this point in the article I find my favorite little nugget. 'Ol Deej, with the help of Wikipedia I'm sure (way to dig deep with your research), actually correctly interprets the whole prohibition/moonshine reference. No way Deej figured that out by himself.

And now for the Grand Finale of Dumb-

Deej's take on the verse "I've had years of cramped-up city life,Trapped like a duck in a pen...All I know is it's a pity life can't be simple again" -

"Yes, it sure is a "pity life" living in a city, what with reasonable phone bills, no access to frisky bear-cats, laws against killing federal officers and a dearth of corn-based alcohol. I mean, who wouldn't want to live on Rocky Top?"

No, Deej...no, no, NO! It's not a "pity life" living in a city...you have to read the next line, "it's a pity life can't be simple again."

I can see this jack-ass Deej right now, the guy who always claps on the up-beat when you should really clap on the down-beat...the guy who always sings the words wrong to your favorite song.

Ass.