Thursday, December 29, 2005

2006: The Year in Preview - Part 1

by SonDog

Don't you just love year-end retrospectives? You can't pick up a USA Today or an US Weekly without some pseudospert journalist telling you what the highlights and lowlights were during the past 12 months, with just a little bit more than a smidge of revisionist history included.

For example: The top story of 2005 in most pages is a close race between Nick Lachey-Jessica Simpson divorce and the Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie-Jennifer Aniston managetriangledesex. In several polls, these two stories were what Americans cared about the most last year. You might have heard about a gal named Katrina who had a bad case of PMS in the Gulf Coast, or a violent struggle between two teams in the American state of Iraq, but generally people feign interest in such stories just to make themselves feel better for caring so much about other peoples' divorces. And in no way am I unbelievably cynical about this.

Anyway, with that in mind, I've decided to compile a month-by-month 2006 Year in Preview for sports and pop-culture, since real news doesn't really matter anymore.

January: People magazine announces it will devote its entire January 7, 2006 issue to the 1-year anniversary of the Jennifer Aniston and Brat Pitt official separation announcement. Not to be outdone, US Weekly throws a large bash at the LA hot-spot, Circus de los Freak Show, to celebrate the date. Pitt, Aniston, Jolie, Vince Vaughn and many others attend the party. Days earlier Pitt tells Diane Sawyer in a Primetime Live interview, "It's just impossible to have a simple life and I'm awfully tired of it. I mean, I think these paparazzi are so immoral and I pray for their souls. If I can't secretly run around with one of the most beautiful and notoriously easy women in Hollywood behind my wife's back, then something is sick and wrong with our society."

In the sporting world, the NFL playoffs get off to a strong start when Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chad Johnson unveils his football-poop celebration dance after scoring, using the endzone pylon as mock toilet paper. CBS announcer Boomer Esiason jumps on his soapbox to explain why receivers like Johnson are all that is wrong with today's NFL. Co-host Dan Marino agrees, then reenacts the "Mark Duper-Mark Clayton the football is really a grenade that we'll drop and fall down around it" celebration with Shannon Sharpe. All the anchors laugh simultaneously while babbling incoherently for a solid 75 seconds.

In the Super Bowl, Carolina and Indianapolis square off in a hotly contested match where the main highlight, other than the 32 new commercials, is the Steve Smith dry-humping of DeShaun Foster touchdown celebration routine. Announcer Joe Buck climbs on his soapbox to say that the act is a "tragedy" and "reprehensible." FOX and ESPN replay the highlight 431 times over the next 24 hours to drive home the point of how awful the celebration was and how such acts should be outlawed. In related news, Smith receives a $23 million endorsement contract with Nike and guest appearances on every evening talk show on the planet Earth.

In NBA news, Kobe Bryant explains that the reason he shoots so much (taking a whopping 65% of his teams' shots per game) is that he is simply trying to help his teammates conserve arm energy for later in the year.

February -- Major League Baseball pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training in Arizona and Florida. Every branch of government in Washington, D.C. shuts down as nearly 95% of the Executive, Judicial and Congressional representatives focus on whether or not the new MLB steroid policy is working. ESPN reports from every camp, every day, to discuss which players "look smaller" and "lost weight" during the off-season. Congressional Republicans hold a press conference to say that the policy is working, and it is exactly what Jesus would want. When asked about the war in Iraq, the congressmen reply, "We're focusing on what's most important at the moment, and it should be clear to everyone that that is the Major League Baseball steroid abuse scandal. I mean, look what it's done to our children!"

In a non-related story, the NFL holds its annual Pro-Bowl in Oahu, HI where 6'8", 375 lb offensive linemen run 4.2 second, 40-yard-sprints. Congressional Democrats hold a press conference to congratulate these massive humans for achieving a superior level of fitness without the aide of illegal supplements. In the locker room, it becomes obvious that only players with natural back acne (or "bacne") and hyper-sensitive, violent fits of rage are good enough to make the Pro-Bowl. When asked about the war in Iraq, the congressmen reply with laughter and say, "C'mon! We're Democrats! What kind of influence do you think we actually have in those 'meetings'?

No, the NFL has never had a steroid problem. No sir-ie.

In celebrity news, Brad Pitt wins an award for "Absolute Craziest Shit You Would do for a Beautiful Woman Just to Get Laid," by officially co-adopting Angelina Jolie's seventh child. Pitt also won the award for sincerely acting like he was interested when he followed Jolie to the far corners of the earth (Kenya, Zambia, Dumbfuckistan) in 2005. When asked to comment, Pitt responded, "It's not in my nature to be mysterious, but I can't talk about it and I can't talk about why."

At what point will Brad's buddies pull him aside and say something to the effect of, "Okay, dude, seriously, knock it off."

In an attempt to gain publicity, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline "accidentally" release a sex-tape. "We honestly thought it was video footage of our child," the couple states. The tape is released just weeks before Federline is to release his new rap album titled, "My 15 minutes is Sure Lasting a lot Longer Than it Should Have." In related news, Federline, Spears and child agree to appear on the summer 2006 season of The Surreal Life.

March -- Kobe Bryant returns to Vail, CO to celebrate the anniversary of his sexual assault charge. He holds a press conference to once again apologize to his wife, but to also explain that his adulterant ways simply are a means to enhance his love for his wife.

Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan are reported to be in a bitter feud about who has actually eaten less over the last six months. Police are still looking for Lohan's breasts, which disappeared in early 2005, taking Lohan's popularity with them. Law enforcement is still searching for the reason as to why Richie is even relevant in the world. In related news, a tree fell in the forest, and nobody cared.

As you can clearly see in this police photo, Lohan indeed at one time had boobs. Police are still searching for the pair, as well as the rest of her figure.

Upon his arrival at Spring Training, slugger Sammy Sosa announces that he will not be playing for his native Dominican Republic in the World Baseball Classic. Dominican representative Felipe Alou states, "Did we even invite him to play?" Upon Sosa's arrival to the Colorado Rockies' spring training complex in Tucson, manager Clint Hurdle is overheard saying, "Wait... we didn't even sign him. Why is he here?"

Ppseudo-celebrety Nick Lachey, (still stinging from his divorce from Jessica Simpson's legs and heini) is announced as the co-anchor (along with Mario Lopez of Saved by the Bell fame) on ESPN's new 24-hour channel, ESPN Hollywood. Chad Johnson and Steve Smith will host a nightly End-Zone Dance Party. Joe Buck's head nearly explodes. Sports purists like Frank DeFord wonder why ESPN and Nick Lachey or Mario Lopez should ever be found in the same sentence.

Coming Soon: April - June

6 comments:

shadrach78 said...

March 23, 2006
Joe Buck is punched in the face while vacationing in hawaii by some punk ass broncos fan.

bh said...

Amen!!

Anonymous said...

This is a great rip at what has seems to be a declining interest in actual media events and increasing interest in trash journalism. Kudos.

I will say that for someone throwing darts at Hollywood journalism, you sure know an awful lot about it.

shadrach78 said...

Anonymous is punched in the face while vacationing in hawaii by some punk ass broncos fan.....

SonDog said...

I used US Weekly as a reference for the colum. I'm thinking of using In-Touch for part 2, and recording Access Hollywood for part 3.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, apparently anonymous doesn't read too intently. Just to clarify, he admitted to following that shit. Dumbass.

While vacationing in Vail, Anonymous is punched in the face by a crazed business man that mumbles something about the 49ers. OJ Simpson happens to witness the incident, slips and falls onto the icy street breaking his tailbone. What a shame.

DMo