The World is Coming to an End

by SonDog

Five signs that the end of days is near:

1) The lead story on CNN.com at exactly 7:00 PM on Thursday evening was: BREAKING NEWS: Affleck, Garner reportedly have first child.

Wait...

What?

Really? This is your lead story? YOU'RE THE LEADING NEWS AGENCY FOR MOST OF THE FREE WORLD AND THIS IS YOUR GOD DAMNED LEAD STORY?!?!?

In other news, there's a war going on somewhere over seas and this small town called Neworleans (or, something like that) that was effected by some hurricane apparantly "re-opened," whatever that means.

Who cares though, right? I mean, Bennifer pro-created!

I have no doubt that this baby will be one chain-smoking, ass-kicking machine.

2) Between the San Francisco 49ers, Oakland Raiders, Sacramento Kings, Golden State Warriors, San Francisco Giants, Oakland A's, and San Jose Sharks (they play some funny Canadian sport called "hockey"), the best team in Northern California at the moment is... The Golden State Warriors. I can't believe I just said that. If you were the GM of all of the other teams, wouldn't you be monumentally embarassed? Isn't this like Shaq getting out-rebounded by Earl Boykins? Isn't an automatic fine or suspension necessary when this happens?

There are a couple of things that are just inherently wrong with this scenario: 1) The Warriors haven't even made the playoffs since 1992, when Chris Webber was a rookie and Letrell Spreewell was not yet Defcon 4 crazy (not to mention current GM Chris Mullin was still playing). Even then, the 49ers and A's were superior teams. 2) I can't get over the fact that Mullin was once an alcoholic. This gives me hope in so many ways.

3) Can ESPN please stop with the "Reggie Bush is the best RB since Gale Sayers" discussion? Don't get me wrong, Bush is an amazing tailback. In fact, I would agree that he is the best college RB that I've seen on the evening highlights since Barry Sanders. However, I would also argue that if LaDanian Tomlinson played at USC rather than TCU, the same discussion would have taken place five years ago. That being said, I can't tell you how much I want the 49ers to lose the "ICan'tBelieveTwoFootballTeamsCanActuallyBeThisBad Bowl" between Houston and San Francisco in a couple of weeks just so they have a shot at the next Gale Sayers.

4) Jason Giambi clearly learned his lesson. That being said, you have to admire the audacity of him showing up at a party in Vegas with the shirt that you see below. I think I just heard Bud Selig spontaneously combust:

"No, really, I just want to apologize for something, but I can't say what. Okay, okay, okay... I farted."

5) And, finally, my dream of one day being friends with this woman's heini is officially over (given to me by Kari in Sacramento, with the subject line, "Is there something you need to tell me?"):

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" star Mariska Hargitay is celebrating after discovering she's pregnant with her first child. The 41-year-old actress and her actor husband, Peter Hermann, 38, have yet to announce when the bundle of joy will arrive.